King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Regardless of how much of it he’s had in his lifetime, strange can sure make a good man do some odd things! Now clearly the word strange is a euphemism for something else, so if you don’t know what it is, feel free to go urban dictionary it. But just know that at one point strange had me eating beets and reading terrible Dan Brown novels, and at another point even had me flying halfway across the globe after it left me for another dude! Now that’s some true power right there! So it should come as no surprise that it can also kill a man’s career; just look at Guy Ritchie for example. When he first popped on the scene, he was making cool London based gangster films like Lock Stock and Snatch; but the second he met Madonna, it was all over for him! The next thing you know, he’s making one of the lowest rated films of all time while simultaneously convincing Jason Statham to put in hair extensions so that he could look like one of the rejects from Coldplay. Now that’s a clear sign that the Material Girl really knows how to work that gap in her teeth!

Well somehow, Ritchie caught lightning in a bottle when he made Sherlock Holmes and in the process revived his career, only to instantly ruin it again with Sherlock Holmes 2. But as is always the case in Hollywood, if you somehow stumble and bumble your way to a $300 million dollar film, they will constantly give you chance after chance to recreate that magic. Just look at Mel Gibson, the guy openly insulted every powerful man in Hollywood without ever apologizing for it, yet he somehow still makes films and gets to appear in front of a worldwide audience with his 23 year old hooker at the Oscars. Did you see the look on that poor girls face whenever the camera panned in on her? I swear you could see a thought bubble pop over her head with a caption that read "Man, I really hope my dealer Charlie picks up tonight! I don’t think two Xanax is going to cut it after all. Melly’s already on his second bottle and his third Viagra and it’s not even 9 o’clock yet!"

So in his latest effort to stay relevant, Ritchie decided to take his shot at telling the legendary tale of King Arthur. And in doing so, I guess he realized what I did when he first started the project; that remarkably, no one has ever been able to properly produce a decent Excalibur film even with all of the advanced technology we have available to us today. So what does he decide to do? Well he decides to try and turn it into a London based gangster film of course! But hey, you can’t knock a man for sticking to his guns.

Now I’m not going to insult your intelligence by summarizing the tale of King Arthur because even the dumbest hick out there knows that he was the only one who could pull the legendary sword out of the stone; making him the rightful ruler of Great Britain. But what makes this film so different is that it only briefly mentions Merlin the wizard and instead decides to put more of its focus on the other mystical creatures (Mages) and their powers; which could have led to some unbelievably fresh scenes but I’ll speak more about that here in a bit.

And while Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) has excellent fighting skills and a tough guy attitude, all of which he picked up from being raised in a brothel, which for some reason had its own version of Mr. Miyagi in it; he still must learn how to control the power of Excalibur if he is ever to overcome the rule of the evil and power hungry Vortigen (Jude Law).

So they ship the ornery Arthur off to the black island (or whatever they called it) to hone in his skills against some of the oddest and most aggressive creatures the world has ever known. And while there, you see him have to utilize every skill he’s ever learned just to simply survive the night. But what makes this portion of the film so unique is the fact that it seemed as though they took the darkest parts on The Neverending Story and The Princess Bride and somehow made them even creepier. Now what sucks about this is that it only lasted for about 5 minutes! Ritchie could have easily dedicated the entire second act to this storyline but instead chose to cut it short so he could dedicate even more time to his snappy and over stylized flashback and flash forward scenes; a staple of his really when you think about it.

Now I will give him credit for absolutely nailing the montage of Arthur’s upbringing as that may have been some of the coolest filmmaking I’ve ever seen him do, but just as he did in Holmes 2, he relied on it way too much and it became stale as the film wore on. And don’t even get me started on the lame CGI battle at the end.

Ritchie clearly has talent and it’s slowly starting to resurface, I would just simply suggest to him that he sticks to banging Dutch hookers over washed up superstars like Madonna like every other London bloke out there and he will once again be on top of the film making world. I give Arthur a rating of kind of WEAK.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

I am well aware of the fact that the older you get the more pathetic you look to women if you continue to show signs of having the now dreaded Peter Pan Syndrome. At a certain point they want a man who can provide them with some stability and doesn’t need more than one Viagra pill to get himself hard in the morning. And I totally get this, as rubbing one out before heading off to work would be a total pain in the ass if I had to reach over and find my pill box first. It’s hard enough for me to find my glasses and toothbrush before 8am, let alone having to hunt and peck for some little blue pill before getting my mind right for the day. But hey, I can’t help if I’m a 75 year old scrub who still rides a Huffy with training wheels and wears a backpack with my lunch in it everywhere I go! Some things in life are just too hard to let go of.

And I know that I’m not alone in my thinking because look at how many scrubs ran out to see the new sort of Harry Potter this weekend. You can’t tell me that cramming into a crowded movie theater on a Friday night to see a bunch on introverted wizards perform magic is the definition of adulting. I even know some teenagers that looked at me with the side eye and said "Fuck that shit!" when I asked them if they were going to see Fantastic Beasts this weekend. So please, the next time you see me attempting to breast feed at a bar, first think about calling the cops, and second, cut me some slack as I am clearly not the only one who has an issue with getting older.

Point and case, I had to shuffle my way through a host of scrubs just to sit next to my idiot friend for a late night showing of Beasts this past Thursday night. And even though I like to think of myself as an outsider in this oddly proud nerd group, I went into this experience with cautious excitement because J.K Rowling was finally giving us a wizard film that didn’t involve prepubescent teens riding around on brooms. This was supposed to have adults who have actually seen breasts before engaging in magical battles. Well thankfully Ms. Rowling delivered.

Beasts is the story of the Rain Man esque Newt (Eddie Redmayne) and his decision to bring a suitcase full of fantastic looking beasts to New York City with him. The town is on high alert as it is as there seems to be some rogue spirit on the loose that’s wreaking havoc in the streets of Manhattan. And the wizard police, led by head investigator Graves (the woefully underused Colin Farrell), seems to think that it’s one of these soon to be extinct beasts that’s causing all of trouble; so they are desperately doing everything in their power to track it down before they are exposed to the humans and an all-out war breaks out. Well once word gets out that Newt has brought his briefcase full of game (that’s both an E-40 and a hunting reference in case you missed it) to the city, he becomes public enemy number one. And the only question that remains is, will Newt get his mischievous beasts to safety in time or will they cause so much of a commotion that they both find themselves sentenced to an early death?

The story itself is just an ok one as it feels all too familiar when compared to its predecessors. But what makes this film stand out are the beasts that are so prominently advertised in the movie’s title. The CGI is top notch as it brings these amazing creatures to life and you are introduced to a whole new world in this hidden universe. I for one didn’t see it in IMAX but what I saw in 2D had me awe struck at times, so do yourself a favor and pay the extra money to get the full experience in. And it certainly helped that all of the beasts were funny, in particular the two that had a penchant for expensive jewelry and shiny coins. And no, it’s not like the racist Transformers where they speak Ebonics and play rap music everywhere they go; it’s actually good natured fun.

And it’s because this film is so fun that I believe it is easily the best of the Harry Potter series. I give this movie a rating of pretty FRESH and I suggest that you pop in.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

If it wasn’t for my idiot friend’s constant pestering, there’s no way I would have wasted a single penny on seeing Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Don’t get me wrong, I love weird moves about odd busty women and the children who love them more than I probably should, but with the exception of Sweeney Todd, it’s been decades since Tim Burton has made a decent movie. Ever since he left the crazy Lisa Marie for Helena Bonham Carter and those kinky blow jobs he was getting from her in her monkey suit (see Planet of the Apes), his career has taken a turn for the worst. I guess blow jobs from a hot girl in a vampire outfit wasn’t enough for him; he had to go the Furry route to find his true inner being. Well let this be a lesson for all of us sexually active weirdos out there, the second you trade in a pair of handcuffs for a rubber udder, just know that you are heading down the dirty path of degradation!

So naturally your next question should be, are there any life lessons we can take away from Burton’s Miss Peregrine? Well outside of us having a new goal in life, which is to find a hot Eva Green who has the ability to loop a 24 hour period of us having the best sex of our lives over and over again, the answer is no!

Peregrine is the story of Jake; a loner kid whose only real friend in life was his ‘peculiar’ grandfather Abe (Terrence Stamp). And from the very first time he was able to stand and walk, Abe has told Jake these wonderful stories of how he grew up in a home where all of his housemates had these odd characteristics that made them different from the rest of normal society. And by odd I don’t mean that they simply wore ascots in the middle of summer; I mean that they would have been burned at the stake in certain parts of the country had their talents ever been brought to light. There were kids who were so light that they had to wear weighted shoes to keep from floating away, a child who had the ability to bring inanimate objects to life with the use of his hands and his magic hearts, and of course there was a beautiful redhead who had the ability to set things on fire with her hands.

Now Jake loved these stories and he believed them so much that he told everyone he knew about them. But as you can imagine, the older he got, the more he seemed crazy for actually believing them. Well it isn’t until after his grandfather is seemingly killed by a monster that Jake sets off to Wales to find out if any of the stories were actually true. And it’s on this journey that he finally gets to meet all of the crazy characters his grandfather had been telling him about. They are all somehow still alive and the same age they were when Abe lived with them all those years ago. How is that possible you ask? Well I’ll let the movie explain that to you.

But as you can see the premise is actually pretty cool and of course a story with oddball children is right up Tim Burton’s alley. The problem however is, for whatever reason, Burton chooses to turn this film into an unintentionally comedy in the third act. Miss Peregrine and her children are all in danger as these evil mad scientists, that are being led by Samuel L. Jackson, are coming for them to eat their eyeballs for energy (yes it’s as weird and as gross as it sounds) and it’s up to Jake to discover what his peculiarity is so that he will be able to help save them from their disgusting fate.

Where the hilarity ensues is during the film’s climatic fight scene between the children and the monsters. For some odd reason Burton decides to put this rather lengthy scene in the middle of a rave at a carnival. Now I know on the surface it sounds like that cool opening scene from Blade, but trust me when I say it’s nowhere near as badass as that was. The monsters are slowed down by snowballs and cotton candy and all of the evil scientists have these giant shark teeth that make them look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

I wish I was a talented enough writer to accurately describe just how terrible the last 30 minutes of this movie was but alas I’m not. Just trust me when I say that you need to avoid this movie at all costs. I give Peregrine a rating of really WEAK.

 

Kubo and the Two Strings

Nothing says welcome back to school like seeing a depressing cartoon involving a kid who is forced to live a life of hiding in a cave on a secluded island after he has just lost his eye and basically both of his parents to his vengeful grandfather. But I guess after some parents unwittingly took their children to see Sausage Party, a story with a talking monkey and a half man/half beetle will at least start the road to recovery for these kids after they were exposed to a bagel licking the sacks of a pita in an all-out grocery store orgy.

Although looking back, I don’t know what’s more depressing, the fact that I may have learned a new move or two from that movie (Party) or the fact that I was surrounded by drunken college kids on a Sunday night to see a cartoon where the main hero is a kid. Keep in mind that I don’t have any children of my own to force me into seeing these types of movies, so this decision was totally voluntary. Oh well whatever, I live in a city where it’s perfectly acceptable to play on the swings of a playground at the age of 40 just as long as you’re not on one of those despicable lists that’s made available to all of the homeowners in that particular neighborhood.

So with that in mind, I was excited to finally see an animated film that didn’t have the name PIXAR attached to it. Now Kubo is pretty much the film I described in my opening but unlike my dark portrayal of it, there actually is some hope for our young hero. If Kubo is able to find the magical armor that his father once wore, he should be able to defeat the treacherous Moon King (his grandfather) and finally lead a fairly normal life outside of his depressing cave. But along the way he must avoid the evil twin daughters of his grandfather who have been hunting him down ever since he was a newborn. And the only help he has available to him comes in the form of a sassy and overly protective monkey and a former samurai turned half beetle who has lost his memory and for the most part all of his intelligence. So as you can see, the outlook for poor Kubo appears to be pretty grim.

But as we learn along the way, Kubo has a few magical powers of his own as he has the ability to make paper come to life with the use of his shamisen (guitar) and sometimes even his dreams. Now initially he only uses his powers during the only time that it’s safe for him to be outside (the day) and that’s only to entertain the locals and to provide money and food for him and his sick mother; but as he begins his journey, these magical creatures eventually become his guides as they help him in finding this magical armor. And as they get further into their journey, Kubo’s magical powers continue to grow stronger. But will he be able to fully develop them before the twins catch up to him?

Now I am by all accounts pretty much done wasting my money on 3D films but in hindsight I kind of wished I had shelled out the few extra bucks to experience this movie in 3D. Don’t get me wrong, it’s breathtaking at times even in 2D but seeing the opening scene in its originally filmed format could’ve been one of the best visual experiences I’ve had in a theater this year. The first few minutes alone immediately draw you in as you can’t help but feel that you are in for something special the second you see Kubo’s mother fighting off the gigantic waves with her shamisen in an attempt to protect her and her newborn child. And the fighting sequences that take place between the twins and the monkey rival some of the scenes I absolutely loved in one of my other favorite action cartoons, The Incredibles.

The beetle (voiced by Matthew McConaughey who was given you his best George Clooney impression) provides the majority of the film’s funniest moments. And Kubo with his cool hair and his mysterious eye patch is certain to be a Halloween favorite of quite a few kids this year; that is after all the Captain America and Ironman suits sell out.

Thankfully the writers caught on to the fact that a lot of the material was fairly dark and depressing, so they wrote in some uplifting themes involving redemption, the importance of family, and the power that exists in our memories to help lighten things up a bit. It’s just that you wish they had done their lines of coke BEFORE writing the first two acts of the film so we could smile just a little bit more earlier on in the story. I loved Kubo and I think that you will too. Although I would just be a bit careful when it comes to exposing some younger children to this as you don’t want to be the cause of any early cutter tendencies in your pre emo kids' lives. I give Kubo a rating of very FRESH!
 

Alice Through the Looking Glass

Let me first clear up what has apparently become an age old misconception about Black people and our interactions with the sun; yes we actually can get sunburned! I cannot tell you how many people look at me like I’m the Cheshire Cat whenever I reveal this obvious fact to them. "No way! You’re lying!" Nope, I hate to break it to you but Black people just so happen to share all of the normal characteristics every other human being does in the animal kingdom and that includes having an outer protective layer for our bodies called skin.

This is why you never see us "laying out", we’re already dark enough as it is; and the last time we went to the beach we ended up in America! I however am in the minority (which I guess makes me a double minority???) when it comes to this as I absolutely love going to the beach. Even when my body shape made me look like I was Tweedledee and Tweedledum, I was still out there for the simple fact that I love the ocean.

What fascinates me is when someone like the beautiful Anne Hathaway manages to stay as pale as she does given all of the time she’s had to have spent lying in the sun! Hasn’t she seen the movie Soul Man starring C. Thomas Howell? Can’t she just spray paint herself a little darker? Well in Alice Through the Looking Glass, they somehow managed to make her look even more pale than she already is. I honestly thought she was dead for most of the movie; that was until she started talking. And whenever she just so happened to walk into a white background, all I could see was this random set of lips moving. It was like they gave the Cheshire Cat a girlfriend!

Anyway, I remember loving Alice in Wonderland as a kid and even somewhat enjoying the new one with Johnny Depp when it came out a few years ago, but I also remember how forgettable of a film Through the Looking Glass was. Well suffice it to say that the new version is almost as bad.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually liked this movie but three months from now I will have forgotten that it was even made, much less be able to tell you anything that happened in it. There are a few cool moments when Alice (Mia Wasikowska) travels back in time in an attempt to help save The Mad Hatter’s (Depp) family. And along the way, you do get some interesting background information on the characters you’ve come to love or hate for years, but ultimately way too much time is spent on showing the actual act of time traveling itself. This could have been cool but sadly it just wound it being a CGI disaster as you really couldn’t tell what was going on while they were traveling and even a 5 year old child would’ve been able to break down the inconsistencies in the "technology" of it.

For whatever reason they tried to turn Alice into Jack Sparrow in the opening sequences and I guess the producers didn’t get the memo that Borat came out a long time ago. No one alive today still believes that Sasha Baron Cohen is actually funny. I don’t know, maybe the studios thought that they could at the very least break even on this film given the success of the first one, but if you going to bring back such a talented cast, shouldn’t you have given them a director that could help bring out their best and allow them to shine?

I rate this movie as kind of WEAK but it’s certainly worth a watch if you’re bored.

The Huntsman: WInter's War

When I woke up this morning, I found myself reading Maxim’s breakdown of the seven hottest women Prince "dated" during his illustrious time on this Earth. I got so into this wonderful article that the start to my day was delayed by about 30 minutes due to my creepy daydreaming but I do have to say that it was well worth every minute I spent as purple penetrator! And as I was drooling over the likes of Carmen Electra and Vanity, I started to go over my own top seven list of amazing hookups. It took me a bit of time to complete the list but in the end I was quite proud of the quality of women I had bagged over the years. But my time in total bliss came to a crashing halt when for some strange reason I also decided to compile a list of the bottom seven hookups during my lifetime and I quickly came to the sad realization that I was in fact no Prince!

If Prince had stepped anywhere near the set of The Huntsman: Winter’s War, he could’ve had Jessica Chastain, Emily Blunt, and Charlize Theron all in one night if he wanted to; and all three would’ve easily cracked his top seven! If I had walked on set, I would’ve been lucky to have even had the opportunity to steal a bagel from the dolly grip girl as I pinched her butt before security came and pummeled me to death!

Well I have to say that both of the scenarios that popped into my head this morning were far more entertaining than anything that actually happened during the plodding Winter’s War. I thought the first Snow White movie they made was awful simply because they tried to make us believe that an 80 lbs. pale faced emo scrub like Kristen Stewart could inspire a land full of warriors and dwarves to risk their lives for her "beauty". But apparently that wasn’t laughable enough to keep them from making a sequel. The first one made just enough money to where the studios thought that if they simply made a few tweaks to the original that a sequel could take off in the same way that Winters Soldier did for Captain America. That’s the only logical explanation I can think of for this movie’s ridiculous title and storyline. So there I was, wasting two hours of my life because I can’t keep myself from watching a train wreck.

Well they thankfully got rid of the sallow Stewart and chose to put their focus on Chris Hemsworth and Theron’s sister Emily Blunt (The Ice Queen). At the beginning of this movie we find out that Blunt is having the child of a man who is promised to another. And despite her sister’s warning that he will never stay with her, she decides to have the child anyway and hold onto the hope of true love. Well one day she is tricked into believing that the two of them will run away together only to return home to see that something awful has happened.

And it’s because of this terrible event that she finally discovers her own powers and decides to leave her sister’s kingdom to start one of her own. She now no longer believes in love and decides to go on the warpath to rid the world of it. So she steals the children of every kingdom she conquers and turns them into her own personal army of warriors or huntsmen. Two of those warriors just so happen to grow up to become Hemsworth and Chastain, who of course in spite of their icy surroundings, still find a way to fall in love. But once Blunt finds out about this she does everything she can to separate the two to help restore order in her world. Will the power of love prevail in the end just like it did in the movie Krull? These are the burning questions nerds everywhere will ask themselves as they watch this re-imagination of a classic fairytale.

Oh I almost forgot, Blunt is also on a quest to find the mirror that was the great source of power for her evil and twisted sister (yes I did that on purpose). Once she gets her hands on it, she will be unstoppable, so it’s up to Hemsworth and his dwarves to get to it before she does.

Now this is actually not a bad premise, it’s just that the execution of it is a bit off. The first 30 minutes are almost unwatchable as the director bores you to death with lame fight sequences and jokes that fall completely flat. But once the female dwarves show up the movie actually kicks up a notch. The jokes all of a sudden become funny, there are a few cool action sequences involving goblins and overzealous huntsmen, and the director provides you some pretty incredible shots to gawk at as he takes you deep into the CGI fairyland he’s created.

All of this gives you the false hope that this will eventually turn into a good movie but ultimately the film’s convoluted ending leaves you feeling a bit underwhelmed. Oh well, I wont complain too much; I did get to stare at my imaginary top three for two hours. But in the end this movie gets a rating of pretty WEAK! 

Gods of Egypt

Apparently in this black man’s household it’s all But all of the time. No, not that kind of butt, I’m talking about Gerard Butler. The amazing Butler has two hopeful blockbusters being released in back to back weeks in the forms of Gods of Egypt and London is Falling, but sadly by the looks of it, neither one will actually deliver in that regard.

Just think about how incredible that is for a quick second? A B list or lower A list actor getting back to back releases in this day and time? I sure wish that my dating life mirrored Butler’s acting career! That would be perfect for me if regardless of the number of disasterous relationships I’ve been apart of or how many ill-advised texts I’ve sent at 3:30 am, I’d still get dates with hot sorority girls every weekend. I mean, I love the Butler and all and I think that he’s great in everything he’s starred in but if you take a close look at his career, he’s really only had one movie that’s done well in the theater at that’s 300. And that was 10 years and 18 films ago.

Well Gods of Egypt seems to fall right in line with the rest of his work. In this film he just walks around being an impressive jerk for two hours while the rest of the presentation is simply an underwhelming mess. Now don’t get me wrong, Egypt is a fantastic crappy action/fantasy movie to giggle at and enjoy from your couch on a lazy Saturday afternoon, but by no means should you shell out $15 to see it in 3-D.

Alex Proyas (The Crow, I Robot) is one of my favorite directors in Hollywood as he is somehow able to consistently puts out quality work that typically tends to lean a bit towards the darker side of things. Now I am not saying that I like evil or anything but I do like for my movies to challenge me a bit as opposed to just always playing it safe. Well despite his being successful in making this film look cool with all of the towering gods that have to ability to change into whatever they want and the giant snake creatures that breathe fire, he still wasn’t able to save this cheesy tale of Egyptian mythology.

Egypt is the story of the love struck mortal Bek and his teaming up with the battered, bruised, and disgraced god Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). The two of them are on a mission to take down the evil ruler Set (Butler) after he stole the crown from his loving and generous brother on the day of his son’s coronation. Set is a blood thirsty and power hungry leader who will stop at nothing to get what he wants and that includes making everyone his slave and charging people for access into the afterlife.

He has stolen Horus’s true love Hathor, who is the goddess of love, after blinding and sending Horus off to live a life of exile in the desert. Well Bek knows that if he is somehow able to get Horus to regain his sight that he can help him destroy Set and possibly bring back the love of his life after she was killed in a daring attempt to escape the brutal hands of bondage.

There are quite a few plot holes, as you would normally expect from a story like this but that wasn’t my main issue with this movie. This film still could have been cool if the writers had just a shred of talent. There were a number of Neverending Story/Indiana Jones moments where the heroes had to overcome a series of obstacle course type situations to prove their worth but instead of putting their focus on writing detailed paths to the characters’ greatness, they simply glossed over these scenes and had them sort of wing it and luck their way through to the other side. It completely cheapened the experience and made you feel like you were watching an awful screen capture of someone playing The Legend of Zelda from the 80’s.

The only saving grace was how unintentionally funny Chadwick Boseman’s performance was. He was the god of wisdom and it honestly felt as though you were watching Denise Richards play a rocket scientist all over again. I think Boseman is cool but the last thing I’d mistake him for is being the world’s smartest man. So to help try and convey how smart he is, he makes up some weird pseudo British accent and raises his eyebrows every time someone questions him. It’s pure theatrical gold.

Again, for action nerds like me, you’ll get some enjoyment from watching this film but for normal mortals out there, I’d suggest finding entertainment elsewhere. I rate this movie as WEAK!

Goosebumps

Over the hill and past their prime actors should all eat an extra helping of food this Thanksgiving as they each have plenty to be thankful for this year. If it were for the fact that kids are easily entertained by these crappy Young Adult novels, they would all either be out of work flame outs fighting over screen time on Celebrity Rehab or hosting GAC’s (Good Ass Country) Top 100 hits in the 90’s.

But as it currently stands, people like Ashley Judd, Jack Black, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers all have major roles in movies where kids are constantly being trapped in mazes or love triangles with vampires that sparkle like diamonds because someone has to play the father figure or spiritual guide in these wastes of time and space. I won’t lie, some of them are actually mildly entertaining but for the most part I just find myself flipping through the Fappening hoping to find some dirty little photos of the young stars.

Thankfully Jack Black didn’t pop up on the Fappening but he does have a starring role in the latest Young Adult movie Goosebumps. I’m not his biggest fan of his but his personality is actually perfect for the reclusive oddball R.L. Stine.

Stine is the author behind all the ridiculously popular Goosebumps books and his work is widely considered to be some of the best in the industry. But what no one seems to know about him is that the all of the creepy characters he’s created over the years can actually come to life if you open up one of his original manuscripts. Well one day Stine’s new neighbor Zach (Dylan Minnette), finds out this dirty little secret of his after he decides to sneak into his home in an attempt to save his daughter Hannah from apparent harm. But as he does, he unwittingly opens up a book and unleashes the Abominable Snowman.

Once that happens, the book that contains Slappy is also opened and all hell breaks loose on the otherwise sleepy town of Madison, Delaware. Slappy has plans of unleashing all of Stine’s characters to not only terrorize the local community but to also punish Stine for locking them up for all of those years. So now Stine, Hannah, and Zach must come up with a plan to stop Slappy and get all of the evil characters back in their homes before they completely destroy the town.

The CGI actually looks pretty cool in this movie and that is something that had to be accomplished when you’re trying to bring the teenage Wolfman to life. If something like that is botched, then you’re basically looking at men walking around in cheap costumes and you have yourself a sequel to M. Night Shamamalan’s (purposely misspelled) Signs. I still can’t believe I sat through two hours of watching the dumbest aliens that were ever conceived by man! They go to a planet that’s made up of two-thirds of a material that will kill them? Really???

Anyway, they have enough cheesy one liners and awesomely lame jokes in this movie to keep both the adults and the kids entertained. And there are actually a few creepy moments in the movie to get you in the spirit of Halloween.

For the first time since maybe Hocus Pocus came out, there is actually a film in the theater that the whole family can enjoy before going out to trick or treat. I rate this movie as FRESH and I suggest you go see it!

On a personal note, I want to thank the director for giving us the new Mila Kunis as the 18 year old Odeye Rush is a knock out in the making. Can't wait for the Fappening Part 3 to see her entry.

The Last Witch Hunter

"Master explorer Dirk Pitt goes on the adventure of a lifetime of seeking out a lost Civil War battleship known as the "Ship of Death" in the deserts of West Africa while helping a WHO doctor being hounded by a ruthless dictator." I’m sorry but what??? How does any of that make sense? If you don’t know what I just quoted, that’s the synopsis of the Matthew McConaughey classic flop Sahara which was directed by Breck Eisner. Eisner also directed the latest Vin Diesel vehicle The Last Witch Hunter, and after producing such a timeless masterpiece, how could I say no to seeing him team up with the man that brought us "I live my life a quarter mile at a time"?

I think we can all agree that at age 48, Diesel looks great for his age but he is starting to get a gut and it’s just a matter of time before he becomes the latest version of Steven Seagal; a washed up actor who only does B action movies and never gets filmed doing anything from the waist down. Well I’m happy to report that he’s almost there after watching Witch Hunter.

Witch Hunter begins with a mid-evil Diesel and his local clan hunting down a witch who they believe is responsible for the Black Plague. When they find her, she confesses to being the power behind it and claims that humanity is too irresponsible to live. After a brief struggle, Diesel is able to destroy her but not before she puts the curse of immortality on him; a curse that will force him to see everyone he loves die before his eyes.

Well as time goes on, a Catholic group becomes aware of his ability and they team up with him to provide him everything he needs to help keep the remaining witches at bay. Diesel for the most part seems to have adjusted to his fate and his role in humanity but one day someone disturbs the peace by breaking out their dark magic on the world. He must find who is behind it and what their plan is before the world comes to an end.

Now let me just say that this is not a good movie by any means but it does happen to be entertaining as hell. It reminded me of John Wick but with witches and magic; pure mindless entertainment that actually has a pretty cool storyline. The acting in it is awful as you would expect but you do get to see Diesel talk trash to and punk witches with regularity.

The only question I have is, how did Elijah Wood go from being Frodo Baggins to the third lead in a B fantasy film? Hollywood is a weird place. I rate this movie as WEAK mainly because the general public wont appreciate it but I thought it was pretty fresh.

Tomorrowland

So a girl I’ve never met before randomly decides to come up and ask me this question the other day "So my boyfriend wants to watch me have sex with a strong black man. Are you ok with that? He wouldn’t play, he’d just watch us." Um…do you always start off conversations this way? And did you guys just decide this as you were standing in the middle of the frozen foods section while choosing between Popsicles and rocky road ice cream?

Is this the kind of world director Brad Bird was trying to prepare us for in Tomorrowland? A world where we’ve become so socially detached that this is actually considered normal behavior in a public setting?

I certainly hope not but maybe I have this creeper look to me that I am only now becoming aware of. Maybe this is the reason why I stopped getting invites to my friends’ birthday parties for their kids once they turned four. I always thought it was because that was the age the parties stopped being for the adults and it actually became more about the kids. But who knows, I could have that face that makes strippers put in a request that I put my hands behind my back before they actually agree to give me a lap dance.

Oh well, all I know is that I didn’t get instantly arrested upon my arrival to the theater to see the PG rated Tomorrowland and that the woman I mentioned earlier definitely left my place fully satisfied the other night; so I have that going for me. I’m so joking about the last part! I’m not creepy Rob Lowe, I have DirectTV!

Tomorrowland is the second live action film that director Brad Bird has made since he left the world of animation. He made some of Pixar’s best movies in The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and The Iron Giant (can’t remember if that’s Disney or not). So he was the perfect mind to reach out to when it came to making a film about a place that exists in another dimension where every inventor or positive thinker’s dreams can come true.

Tomorrowland is a place where robots, who were created by humans, recruit the world’s most mechanically inclined dreamers; people who actually use their mind to try and do good in the world. Well one day this teenage girl named Casey gets arrested for breaking into NASA in an attempt to save her creepy dad’s job. I say creepy because Tim McGraw plays her dad and for whatever reason, all Country music stars look like total molesters when they start acting; look at Dwight Yoakum.

Upon her release however, she is given this pin; and the second she touches it, she gets access to this futuristic world. It’s a world that’s full of jetpacks, hovercraft trains, rockets, and people who dress like a mix of Captain Neo and the people in Spike Jonze’s Her. Everyone is happy as they see their dreams coming true and everything truly does seem possible. But after a while, the pin’s magic goes away and this is where Casey goes on a mission to find its origin. Along the way she is introduced to violent robots, an old looking George Clooney (who is a former child genius himself), and an unexpected fate for the world. So overall, not a bad story.

Brad Bird does the best he can with Damon Lindelof’s script, one he co-wrote with him, but everyone should know from the Lost and the Leftovers series that Lindelof is great at coming up with ideas, he’s just has no idea how to execute them. The movie runs way too long and there are some really odd moments in the movie that just make you uncomfortable; such as the creepy relationship that exists between Clooney and his 12 year old recruiter. I wont ruin the movie for you by going into detail, you’ll just have to experience it on your own. The fights between with the robots are cool and every scene that takes place in Tomorrowland makes you wish that you were a kid again because it does look exactly how you imagined the future would look when you were a kid. So from perspective, kids will love this film as children are doing lots of cool stuff in it; like flying in jet packs or blowing up robots. But as an adult you just wonder why it’s taking so long to tell the story.

Tomorrowland isn’t a bad movie, it’s just that it falls well short of what it could have been. Plus Hugh Laurie gives this long, drawn out sermon at the end that sounds like it was written by an unfunny Bill Maher; this is where I make my joke about there not actually being a funny Bill Maher in existence. If you have kids and you want to get them out of the house, then I suggest you check this movie out; if you don’t, then you’ll probably want to pass. I rate this movie as kind of WEAK.

By the way, if you do wind up seeing the movie and you find yourself thinking that young Casey is actually pretty hot; it's ok, in real life she's actually 25 years old. Just saying.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

You can always tell when a movie studio is banking on a certain feature film to carry them through for that particular quarter of the year, especially if upon the final test screening they realize that the movie turned out to a complete disaster. They then go into panic mode and inundate you with trailer after trailer until it's almost programmed in your brain to go see it. It's similar to when Chris Tucker in Money Talks warns Charlie Sheen to watch his back "I'll find you in the shower! Eating at picnics..." they are everywhere!

The movie I'm talking about is Angelina Jolie's Unbroken; and every trailer has this stupid kid on a bike screaming motivational cliché's like "If you can take it, you can make it!" or "You keep going like you're going, you're gonna wind up on the streets!" or "Try harder than the man next to you!" I'm 100% certain that no one has ever actually said these things in real life, they've just heard them in movies and I'm also certain that only one of those ridiculous sayings will actually make the final cut of the movie. But they burn this nonsense in your head in a lame attempt to get you pumped up for the movie.

The point of this ridiculously long intro is that while the final Hobbit movie didn't put a million motivational speeches in their trailer, they still managed to include every one ever imagined into the actual movie; and not a single one didn't make the final cut. The first act of the movie is nothing but cheesy one liners that dwarves, elves, and men use to threaten one another before battle but nothing actually happens until the Orcs show up.

And the Orcs have easily the freshest army in the movie. They talk trash, are unapologetically evil, and have giant earthworms and bats that are bred for only one thing...wait for it...WAR!!! What sucks is that once the earthworms and bats show up, they don't actually do anything, so it kind of a wasted set up. But the problems don't just start there.

The movie starts off with Smaug (the dragon) wreaking havoc on the village and Bard (Luke Evans) trying his best to defeat him. What's funny about the opening is that you actually get to clearly see an angry Smaug talking trash as he's wrecking shop but even with all of today's technology he still looks like the flying dog/dragon in The Neverending Story when his mouth moves. So it turns what would normally be a thrilling scene into pure comedy; and sadly that's the theme of the entire movie.

Action scenes that could be cool are ruined by gymkata inspired action and long gazing stares that turn normal death scenes into seemingly never ending silent monologues.

Now I know that it feels like I didn't like this movie but in actuality I did; just not for the reasons you would think. This is not a good movie for traditional reasons but good in the sense that Van Helsing or Wanted are considered good, some of the scenes are so over the top or completely pointless that you find yourself laughing out loud. The only thing that was missing was when Thorin Oakenshield had his dwarves combing the gold field for a special jewel, was a black dwarf taking off his helmet and saying "We aint found shit!!!"

This movie is FRESH, go see it.
 

Dracula Untold

I have said this a million times on this site, so you are already aware of the fact that I love all things vampires. This means that I will see almost anything that doesn't involve the evil blood suckers sparkling like diamonds in the daylight. And I'm especially drawn to the films that have horrible slow covers of actual fresh songs in the previews. Speaking of, why is this such a trend now? I have heard terrible versions of Nirvana's Something in the Way and Tears for Fears' Everybody Wants to Rule the World in multiple trailers and I'm ashamed to admit that they're surprisingly effective on me! Seeing Dracula with his hair flowing in the wind with an acoustic version of Black Hole Sun blaring in the background had me pumping my fist with excitement! Sadly though, the only time I was pumping my fist during this movie was when I was shouting angrily at the screen like Beetle Bailey! "Why you!!!!"

Dracula is a short story about Vlad the Impaler, a fierce war hero who is played by The Fast and the Furious' Luke Evans. Vlad grew up in a time when the Turks were in control of most of the known world and they were notorious for ruling with an iron fist. They would routinely take the young boys of their conquered lands and brutally train them to become ruthless killers in their massive army. And during the process of their training some kids would die while others would become these cold hearted monsters. Vlad was unfortunately one of these children and he turned out to the most skilled of them all. As he grew into a man he was able to escape this lifestyle and he eventually grew into a family man who ruled his kingdom in peace.

That is until the Turks somehow lost a thousand of their men to something mysterious in the mountains. So in order to replenish what had they lost, the king of the Turks decides to come for Vlad's kingdom and his young. Knowing that his army is no match for the Turks', Vlad reaches out to the dark force in the mountains for help. And as it turns out that dark force just happened to be the one and only Dracula. Dracula decides to help Vlad by giving him a 3 day trial; during these 3 days Vlad will have all of the powers and strength of Dracula but he will also have his thirst for human blood. If he gives in to that thirst, he will then take over the curse of being Dracula for eternity. So it's up to Vlad to defeat his enemy and not give in to the thirst so that he can remain human and enjoy life with his family.

I wont lie, that's actually a pretty badass premise. The problem however lies not in the story but in the director's awful use of CGI. I was expecting to see Dracula running around biting people's heads off and ripping limbs to and fro. But no, instead you just see him turn into these bat looking creatures that just simply fly through people. And apparently the force of the bats hitting the enemy is enough to kill them. Pretty weak if I must say so myself. When one man takes on 1000 soldiers, there should be blood and Ice Cube playing in the background. Bow Down fools!!! It sucks they failed miserably on this because the entire movie depends on the freshness of these battle scenes and sadly none of them are even close to being fresh. So his extremely hot wife at least gets naked right? No! It's a stupid PG-13 vampire movie.

There were two unintentionally cool moments in the movie; one belonging to Vlad's random Igor/Gollum and the other going to the random hot wenches that he decides to turn into vampires because every Dracula needs hot wenches. That latter needs no further explanation but his Igor just pops up out of nowhere and immediately submits to him. He sounds just like Igor does and for whatever reason he worships him and offers him blood. He does however have a rather fresh and key moment later on in the movie.

In the end this movie is totally forgettable but I wouldn't be surprised if it came on USA a year from now and I watched it hung over simply to laugh at it. This movie is really WEAK!!!

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

It’s not often that I fall asleep during a movie, let alone three times during the same one; but that is exactly what happened when I saw the first Hobbit. There was one scene in particular where I believe it was Gandalf that was talking to Cate Blanchett the elf, that ran for so long that I fell asleep, woke myself up snoring, looked around and saw that they were STILL talking! And the sad thing is, its not just this movie but all of these fantasy movies that run way too long! Is it because these nerds don’t have as many opportunities as they did in the past to tell their stories of frolicking dwarfs, flying horses, and trolls that fall in love? I don’t remember Willow or Krull having to break their stories up into trilogies that lasted 15 hours a piece. Willow fell in love with Princess Elora within 5 minutes! And if these movies are supposed to be marketed for the whole family, how do they expect a kid to stay interested for 3 hours if I cant keep myself awake without having to fantasize about Elven porn just to mix things up.

This movie opens up with a 5 minute Quentin Tarantino style discussion that takes place between Gandalf and Thorin, and it is accompanied by soap opera music every time something profound is said. It’s a total rip off of Obi Wan meeting Han Solo in the alien bar from Star Wars but it just sets the table for what is to come later in the movie. Once you get past the silliness of it, it’s actually a cool little tie in into how they all came together in the first Hobbit and it also takes you right into the action. The plot is unbelievably simple, they need Bilbo the master thief to steal an arc stone from some giant mountain that is heavily guarded by the deadly dragon Smaug so that Thorin can then unite everyone against a great evil that is brewing in the world. I mean come on! Why not just call it what we all know you were using for inspiration when you wrote the story in the first place, THE NOTHING! Anyway, Peter Jackson (the director) takes you through a magical forest that is full of giant spiders and tricky elves while doing some cool things along the way with everyone’s favorite ring, the Precious. Also while on their journey, you meet humans and you see the dwarfs and Bilbo repeatedly trying to avoid the evil Orgs.

There is absolutely no reason why this story couldn’t be told in 2 hours or less; tell your story and fill it with plenty of short but effective action scenes, its really not that hard. No, not Peter Jackson; he feels the need to take a somewhat interesting story and stretch it out for as long as he possibly can. It’s like he watched way too many seasons of Mad Men and felt like their writers were challenging him. “Oh you think YOU can put people to sleep, just watch what I have in store for you!” I am an action junkie, so the more action the better is usually my take on a movie. But even I know that these scenes shouldn’t last for 40 minutes. In theory it sounds tight but in actual practice you end up with Steven Spielberg 2.0. You have characters running through de facto obstacle courses and ridiculous attempts at humor. So basically the scene loses its effect and you’re stuck thinking about elven porn again.

There is one scene that so blatantly steals from Temple of Doom that I was just waiting for one of the dwarfs to all of a sudden develop a Chinese accent and start yelling “Doctor Bilbo, Doctor Bilbo!! Ooooooh you cheat Doctor Bilbo! You cheat!!!” And while we’re at it, why not just offend everyone and have one of the dwarfs yell “Oh sexy girlfriend, you need to start yanking my wankie! The Donger need tang!” This is a reference to a weird love story that takes place between an elf and a dwarf.

I liked this movie but it runs way too long, just in case you haven’t picked up on that yet. I actually stayed awake the entire time and I loved the cliffhanger ending. It's yet another “ode” to Empire Strikes Back or even the Matrix Reloaded; but I can’t fault him for that. I rate this movie as barely FRESH but suggest that you watch it at home, so you can break it up over a few days.

The Hobbit

On my way to see The Hobbit on a Friday night alone, guess who’s not getting laid tonight… this guy! Unless I was able to convince some freak who’s dressed up like an elf that I’m Lando Williams from Star Wars. I was never a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, not because I don’t like fantasy movies but because I didn’t think they were all that great. Peter Jackson did a great a great job visually with them but in the end they were just three long long long looooooooong movies with a lot of walking and gazing into hobbit male eyes. I didn’t leave the theater quoting cool lines or reenacting action scenes from those movies like I did Star Wars or even Karate Kid. I pretended I was Luke Skywalker or did that Daniel Son crane kick for like 8 months after leaving the theater. Now  I am by no means saying that Karate Kid III holds up in comparison to the third Rings movie but I am saying that at least they gave Daniel a fat red head girlfriend. This is significant because they were preparing us for what’s to come later in life. If you don’t marry an Elizabeth Shue or a young hot Japanese girl when you have the chance, you’re going to be stuck old and chasing a homely out of shape girl with a weird dude rocking a pony tail trying to kill you. 

I say all of that to say this. Peter Jackson already had to the chance to teach us life lessons and failed; so now he feels the need to torture us with three more movies about hobbits. If you absolutely love the books then this movie was made specifically for you while ignoring most normal people in the world. The first 2 hours are unbelievably boring, so much so that it took all I had to stay awake. I barely remember anything when Gandalf was trying to talk to the elves. The only thing I remember was Cate Blanchett seemingly having some daddy issues because she kept touching Gandalf in weird and inappropriate ways. And for some reason I keep wanting to spell Gandalf Gandolph as in Dolph Lundren. Who knows, had Dolph actually being cast in that role it might have kept my attention.  There was far too much set up for this rather simple story when in reality it all could have been summed up in about 30 minutes. But Jackson spent too much time giving fans of the books little treats. 

Speaking of Jackson’s missteps. I read months ago in a rather lengthy article that Petey Jack decided to film The Hobbit at 48 frames per second instead of the typical 24 fps. Not to get too technical but it’s supposed to give you a more realistic feel but instead it feels like you’re watching a soap opera on tv just like the early reports had claimed. It looks super cheesy and when he pans from side to side its distractingly blurry. 

The movie isn’t all bad. The last 40 minutes or so once the Rock Giants, goblins, and Gollum show up; the movie stars starts to pick up steam. The action is pretty cool and you actually care about what’s happening on screen. The only problem is you have to make it to this point. There is a scene in particular with the trolls that feels like a Three Stooges rip off in a horrible attempt at comedy. 

Overall  I rate this movie as really WEAK but if you’re able to sneak in the last 40 minutes of it, do so.