Ant-Man and the Wasp

I love the band Radiohead! I mean, they have slowly drifted off into the land of dad rock these days but I really couldn’t care less as they still do hold a special place in my heart. To this day I still stalk every set list of every show they play and I also rush to the theater to see any film that Johnny Greenwood (guitarist) has scored, even if that means sitting through a three hour epic about a young British boy and his pet pig’s journey to freedom after his abusive uncle threatens to bang said pig on camera to save the princess’s life. I somehow combined The Butcher’s Boy with Black Mirror for that odd reference but you get my point. I’ll do anything to support their efforts.

But my friend Carole takes this stalking thing to another level. She is currently on a small Radiohead tour herself as she is seeing 5 of their shows over an eight day span. And on top of that, she also hangs out in the hotel bar where the lead singer Thom typically stays with the hopes of smelling and brushing his graying ponytail. Is she living out some twisted My Little Pony fantasy of hers or is she simply looking to create a spin-off of Love and Hip Hop called Love and Doctor’s Waiting Room Music: NYC 2018. I kid, I kid, I love their new albums.

I guess the one question I have is how far would she be willing to take it if she had access to the Ant-Man technology? And I’m not just talking the ability to shrink to an unnoticeable size but also the ability to reverse the aging process and see a younger Michael Douglas. Would she shrink just so she could sneak into the shower of 1996 Thom Yorke and claim that they actually bathed together? Or would she simply sleep on his pillow at night? I know these both sound rather disturbing but I’m certainly not above doing any of this myself. I would totally shrink myself just so I could have the ability to motorboat the 1970 version of the mom from Step Brothers! You know that she had to be super-hot back in the day! And the reason why I chose 70’s Step Brothers mom is because that was right before Burt Reynolds got to her. I don’t know for sure that they ever banged but it’s Burt Reynolds, I just assumed he banged everything that walked by him!

Oh well, until that technology is made available to everyone, we just have to live vicariously through Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) and Hope (Evangeline Lilly). If you were like me, you were wondering where Ant-Man was while Thanos was doing work on the other Avengers in Infinity War. Well this movie, in a way, addresses that. They basically spend two hours setting up what happened to Ant-Man while all that other craziness was going down. Now don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed this film but it really could have been reduced to a 20 minute short, especially after what you witness what happens in the after credits scene.

But hey, why not give us 100 extra minutes of explosions, gunfire, and Evangeline Lilly. After Captain America rescues everyone from prison, Ant-Man is apparently put on house arrest for two years. So he spends all of his time with his daughter and his best friend Luis as they try and set up a small security business together. Meanwhile, his now ex-girlfriend Hope and her father Hank Pym (Michael Douglass) are trying to find a way to get into the Quantum Realm with the hopes of finding her mother and his wife, Janet; played by Michelle Pfeiffer, another woman I’d shrink back in time for. When Scott survived the Realm in the first Ant-Man, this gave Hank hope that his wife could still be alive.

Well when Scott reaches out to Hank after a weird inexplicable connection between he and Janet occurs, they break him out of house arrest with the hopes that they can use that connection to find her. But word gets out about what they’re doing and a new adversary arises in Ghost, a beautiful British version of Meghan Markle who is looking to use his technology to survive.

The introduction of the Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) is certainly cool, especially when you first see her kicking the asses of black market dealers in a restaurant but the character that steals the show is Ghost. It’s not just that she’s beautiful but that her superpower is the coolest thing I’ve seen since the Albino twins in Matrix: Reloaded. They really should’ve given her some dreads and bad teeth. And it’s because she’s so cool that it’s hard to root against her. You just wish that they could resolve their differences so they could band together, go find Thanos, and bring the Black Panther back to life. Wakanda forever!

Oh well, the cool fighting that takes place helps you get past that and has you begging for more, especially when you see a 200 foot Ant-Man riding a scooter around downtown San Francisco. Well that and all of the humor that’s in this film. Rudd is his usual funny self and even Luis’s storytelling hasn’t lost its edge.

Clearly this film was made for the sol purposes of making money but even with that in mind, I walked away feeling as though it was money well spent. I give Ant-Man and the Wasp a rating of FRESH and I suggest that you pop in.
 

Avengers: Infinity War

Let me first start off by saying that I completely understand; the older you get and the more money you make, it’s hard for anyone to stay motivated. I don’t care if you’re Kanye West waking up to Kim Kardashian every morning or if simply you’re Fred Durst waking up to the stripper versions of Carmen Elektra after playing yet another theme park in rural Kansas; at some point you relax and you stop consistently tapping into those creative juices that once made you so special. This is why you see once cutting edge acts like Nine Inch Nails and Yelawolf playing old man rock festivals in the parking lot of an arena in San Antonio. And yes, you read that correctly, they aren’t even big enough to actually play in the arena anymore, they just roll out the stage the cheerleaders usually practice on and make these scrubby entertainers dance for the corndog eating bikers of yesteryear.

But you know what? I’m ok with this, these bands aren’t hurting anyone, they’re just trying to support their estranged hookers and illegitimate children; or in the case of Yelawolf, his drug habit and his need for the latest Yeezes. And speaking of Sir Kanye, he chose to go the opposite route; instead of gracefully drifting off into the land of obscurity, he decided that it would be a great idea to troll Black America. Yes, the same Black America that supported him after he went on national television and sounded like a lost child in the mall who somehow stumbled his way onto a telethon. He thinks that he’s being a marketing genius but in his attempt to become the next Andy Kaufman, he has regressed as an artist and now has become the wack version of MC Hammer. And I say the wack version because at least Black people still respect Hammer and what he did with those amazing pants.

What’s the point of all of this? Marvel didn’t let the girl with the fat ass lull them into complacency. After 10 years and 18 films, they could’ve easily mailed it in and given the people yet another mindless crowd pleasing conclusion. They instead chose the route of doing something they’ve never done to this point which is to give us a thought provoking film that doesn’t provide any closure. Now, of course I’m aware of the fact that there is a part two of Infinity War coming out next year and that Thanos (Josh Brolin) does possess the time stone that could in theory reverse everything he’s done to this point (a likely copout) but that doesn’t take away from what they accomplished with this film. For the first time that I’m aware of, people walked out of a Marvel film crying and shaking their fists in anger. "What do you mean the good guys didn’t win? There’s no way everyone died; that’s not fair!" And yes, props to Marvel for pulling off the ultimate Episode 11 of a Game of Thrones season. Hell, at one point I thought they were even going to film the actual, real life death of Stan Lee; talk about the perfect Fourth Dimension moment!

At this point, you already know the plot, supreme badass Thanos has finally kick started his evil plan of collecting all six Infinity Stones (the particles that formed the universe) to control and "save" the universe from itself. His plan is to help us hold on to our resources by killing off half the universe’s population. The way he sees it, there’s no way the universe can sustain itself at the rate we grow and abuse our surrounding environments. And I have to say that I agree with him, anytime I roll up on a party in Texas and they run out of Bud Light, you know there’s too damn many of us living here! Well of course The Avengers being The Avengers can’t let that ride, so they try and do everything they can in their power to stop him. And when I say The Avengers, I mean those officially in the troop and those who have never even met Ironman or Captain America.

And this is part of why I liked the film so much; I thought that with this many characters, there’s no way they could give them enough quality screen time without coming up with a convoluted storyline. But as is never the case, I was wrong (kidding of course). Everyone with the exception of Black Panther, Hulk and Vision had their own badass moment in the film. There was Captain America and his Indiana Jones esque intro in the film when he casually dodged a flying axe like he was Leroy Jenkins catching bullets in his teeth in The Last Dragon. And yes, that was a reference to a Blaxploitation karate film from the 80’s; check it out. Ironman was on point with his shit talking as always, Thor got another awesome weapon, Spiderman and Groot both redeemed themselves from their previous films and the women all proved that if given the chance, they could easily carry a solo film of their own. And while Thanos was clearly insane, he presented his points of view with such level headedness that it made his character that much scarier. It was like watching this new version of Kim Jong Un, there’s no way he’s this nice. I keep waiting for him to throw the leader of South Korea into a fiery pit just so he can collect the Nuclear Infinity Stone and blow the rest of the world to bits.

But it was the combination of all of these things; the boldness of Marvel to try something new and dangerous, a villain who wasn’t too over the top, and a slew of awesome action scenes that had you cheering for more. That is, until everyone died! And this is why I loved the film. Come on, you’ve had 18 chances (minus Panther) to walk out of a Marvel film without being challenged in any way, shape, or form; you can handle one film that makes you uncomfortable. And it’s because of this that I give Infinity War a rating of TIGHT!

Black Panther

They’ve finally arrived!!!! Our reparations have officially started to trickle in. And no, they didn’t come in the form of 40 acres and a mule like our ancestors were promised. They didn’t even come in the form of a large check like Dave Chappelle tried to prepare us for; and I firmly believe that this hasn’t happened yet because at the time he proved to Black people that we’re not quite ready for something of that magnitude as we would spend the vast majority of it on Kool cigarettes and delinquent cell phone bills. No, they, and by "they" I mean the people who control the world (Steven Spielberg and Sting- if you can have sex for 40 hours and not cum or get tired, of course you rule the world) have first decided to empower us by giving us a true superhero that we can all believe in!

Now this happened for me decades ago when Wesley Snipes introduced the badass Blade to the world but even then I realized that he was only for a niche audience. Not all Black people can connect with a day walking vampire who hates and kills all other vampires. And who knows, maybe that’s part of the reason why we can’t overcome. If you don’t think a guy who says "Some muthaf*kas are always trying to ice skate uphill" after killing the ultimate vampire isn’t the coolest guy on the planet, then you have some serious soul searching to do.

But Black kids, Black adults, and honestly, everyone needed to see a strong, intelligent, and powerful Black superhero to not only help Black youth expand their minds and tap into the far reaches of their imaginations but to also help other cultures gain a better understanding of our viewpoint. Because sadly, having a real life Black President didn’t achieve this, he was apparently too busy sneaking into the country from Ethiopia and killing everyone with health care.

So director/co-writer Ryan Coogler knew just how important this film was. It couldn’t simply just be another cheesy addition to the Marvel universe and it sure as hell couldn’t be a low budget cousin of a Tyler Perry movie that only spoke to the lowest common denominator. This film had to be more than that. And I’m happy to say that he delivered in a major way! Heck, I felt so empowered after seeing it that for the first time ever I thought about signing up for Meet Black People dot Com just so that I could meet my Nubian queen with the hopes of taking over the world. But then a day later I met and talked to this beautiful Italian girl and I was back to my old ways. But I’m also an idiot, so this in no way reflects how the rest of our culture was affected by this film.

When making Black Panther, Coogler didn’t fall into the trap that the other Marvel movies do, which is to put so much focus on the staying true to the comics that actually coming up with a good story is almost an afterthought. With Panther, he decided to go the route of making a great film that just so happened to fit in the Marvel universe. Yes, he’s still true to the comic but the story is layered and touches on so many topics that it almost requires multiple viewings to catch it all.

In it, T’Challa is about to take his rightful place as the king of Wakanda, a hidden nation in Africa that has technology so advanced that it can change the world. But as he does so, he faces a number of challenges that would cripple the normal human being. He has to survive the challenge for his throne from a rival leader, he faces the pressure of keeping Wakanda and its resources a secret as the Black nations around him suffer, and he discovers a family betrayal that could come back to haunt him and his entire nation.

And this is where Michael B. Jordan as Killmonger comes in. Kllmonger’s role was, in part, what elevated this film to another level. I say this because he’s wasn’t just some cartoonish character who was a part of the sometimes silly Hydra Klan or even some virtual reality project that went wrong. He instead represented the frustrations, regret, and to a certain extent, the aspirations of every young Black male in America. Well, maybe not those weirdos who stand behind Trump with those Blacks for Trump signs, I don’t know where they come from. I’m still holding out hope that they’re just hired extras who are simply trying to pay the bills before being cast in the next Spike Lee film.

But anyway, yes, Killmonger is the extreme version of the Black man’s psyche. I’m not saying that Black men want to drop bombs on "Whitey" or anything ridiculous like that but wanting to pool our resources for the betterment of our people versus holding on to the little stuff that we do have is certainly a goal. The way he totally disrespected royalty whenever he addressed them encapsulated Americans general lack of respect for other cultures. And he had so many classic lines in the film; the final of which was one of the most profound lines ever spoken in cinema. I basically stood up and raised the Black Power fist after that!

But thankfully the movie wasn’t all serious as there was plenty of badass action in it! Every time Panther’s suit stored up kinetic energy and then released it to destroy SUV’s or armor covered rhinos, I nearly wet myself with excitement. And Tchula’s main bodyguard Okaye (The Walking Dead’s Danai Gurira) basically stole the show. Gurira brought Michonne’s fierceness to the big screen and made you fear her more than you did the king himself. Plus, every weapon used in the film looked really cool, especially when they controlled them using their awesome VR machines.

In the end, this film was funny, cool, and more importantly, relevant! And hopefully this raises the bar for future Marvel films as I can’t help but give it a rating of very TIGHT!

   

Thor: Ragnarok

Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in! The last few Marvel movies have been so bad that I didn’t even bother to write a review for them, and even the few that I did like (Ant-Man and Deadpool) while entertaining and funny, were for the most part fairly forgettable. So I came to the conclusion that after The Black Panther came out, I would be done with the Marvel universe forever. I mean, if I paid money to see that other trash, I’d have to at least support my brothers and sisters getting wild in the jungle before throwing up the deuces sign. Plus they did play Vince Staples in the trailer; I thought for sure they’d sell out and play some Macklemore or Iggy Azalea to appeal to the masses.

But anyway, as you can imagine, it took some serious convincing for me to pass up the Bills vs Jets Thursday Night Game to go see what has been the worst of the Avenger solo projects to this point. Ok, I hope you realize that was a joke but seriously, if there had been a halfway decent game on to watch that night, I might not have seen Thor 3 at all. I must admit however that a part of me relates to Thor as I’m a big child who works out way too much. The one thing that I find to be frustrating is that on my way to work every morning, I see at least 5 homeless dudes that are way more ripped than I am! How is this possible?!?! Is Planet Fitness really that cheap?!?! And where are they getting their recovery supplements from?

Well, I’m happy to say that it turns out that I made the right decision! Thor: Ragnorak was actually a good movie. It’s directed by What We Do in the Shadows and Hunt for the Wilderpeople’s Taika Waititi (both good films if you haven’t seen them) and he brings his natural comedy and love for adventure to the Marvel universe. Now I know that most of you are saying that that element has always been there but my response to that is, there’s JV football and varsity football. The terrible comedy and action that exists in movies like Spiderman: Homecoming or Age of Ultron clearly belong on the scrubby JV team while what we experience in Ragnorak is varsity level.

Now I won’t lie to you, I’ve already kind of forgotten what the plot is but basically it revolves around Thor and Loki’s evil sister, Hela (Cate Blanchett) and her quest for revenge. And yes, she’s apparently worse than Loki is as she’s Australian versus that of British. The day their father Odin dies, she is released from her prison and returns to wreak havoc on the universe. Thor and Loki try to stop her but are somehow cast off into this weird middle world where the galaxy’s lost apparently go to die. But before they die, they steal, gamble and drink themselves silly, and this is where Jeff Goldblum shines.

He is the film’s clear highlight as his quirkiness brings the element of oddball comedy that this franchise has been sorely lacking. He has his own little fresh band, a ball of death, and an arena where gladiators fight to the death. And it’s in this arena that we finally see the return of The Hulk and are also introduced to yet another highlight in Korg; one of Goldblum’s reluctant undercard champions who sounds like a surfer that’s missing fish tacos and the wonderful sounds of the oily Sax Man. The Hulk however, seems to have lost his way as he stays in Hulk form and continues to smash everything in sight, including his friend Thor. Can Thor, bring him and Korg back around in time to escape this lost world and save the universe? Will Loki continue being Loki and find a way to capitalize off of what is happening? And I haven’t even mention the badass female scavenger/former warrior in Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) yet.

Well as you can see, there’s quite a bit going on in this film but unlike the other Marvel movies, the writers do a great job of giving you just enough background into each character that it feels as though they are a necessary part of the story. So thankfully you don’t have scrubs like Vision just sitting around baking cakes, drinking wine, and listening to easy jazz. Every scene with The Hulk is fun and funny and Thor discovers and unleashes a new power that makes him even more of a badass. And this is why this Marvel film is one that I won’t completely forget in the next 6 months. Is it intellectually stimulating? No, but not every movie has to be; all I ask is that you don’t dumb it down so that only people in Florida and Arkansas can enjoy it. I give Thor: Ragnorak a rating of FRESH and I suggest that you go see it.
 

Spider-Man: Homecoming

For one review and one review only, I will try and give my take on a film from the perspective of a normal movie goer. I’ll do this because I realize that I’m 177 years old, I’ve never been married, I have zero kids, and I see over 100 movies a year in the theater; so I am far from what anyone would call normal. And because of everything I just said, in the eyes of most women, I should probably be on some kind of watch list and am likely one bad month away from living with my mother. And if that’s the case, I really hope she still has my Michael Jackson bedsheets on my bed because I want things to feel as normal as possible when I return home! That last statement alone should warrant at least $100,000 in psychiatric treatment but we’ll just pretend you didn’t read that and move on.

But because I see so many movies a year, it’s kind of hard to impress me now. I see almost every joke and plot twist coming from a mile away and I can also tell when material is dumbed down to appeal to the masses. Well I hate to say it but Spiderman fits this to a tee. There’s nothing remotely original or even interesting about it. I mean, I get that it’s a comic book movie and Spiderman in particular is meant to cater to a younger audience but even cartoons throw in a busty female character from time to time to help keep the attention of the adults. And while they did try and throw us a bone with Marisa Tomei, sadly way too much attention was put on the, trying way too hard to be cool, Zendaya. By the way, don’t you have to have at least one platinum selling album before you can go by one name? Somewhere out there Seal is losing his damn mind!!! "Bitch, your ass is no kiss from a rose on a grey!" Ok, so of course Seal would never call a woman a bitch BUT I’m pretty sure he walks around his home all day singing lyrics from his songs while making toast and cleaning one of his 25 cars. How else could someone that ugly pull a pregnant Heidi Klum? That takes some mad game right there!

Anyway, if you’re a teenager or a kid you’ll love this film because the high school kids act like actual high school kids. They log everything they do on Snapchat, they obsess over nerdy things like Star Wars, and they spend their entire time crushing on some cute boy or girl. Well, everyone but the too cool for school Zendaya that is; she spends all of her time cracking lame jokes and watching old black and white documentaries about Madonna. But kids may even find a connection with Peter Parker’s best friend Ned as he’s supposedly the comic relief side kick in this film. The second he finds out that Peter is Spiderman, he loses his mind and asks him a million questions. No literally, I mean he asks a million questions and you’re forced to sit through each and every one of them like you did back in the day when your kid brother asked "Why is the sky blue?" "Why are there birds in the sky?" "Why are you turning red and looking for a baseball bat?" I mean, I get that he’s excited but they ran with that bit just a little too long for me.

But moving on, if you only see 4 to 5 films a year in the theater, the pure spectacle of a Marvel film may be just what you’re looking for. You don’t need an interesting plot or any original action set pieces, you just want to show up and see Spiderman spit out webbing and kiss Mary Jane at the end. At least that’s what my idiot friend suggested to me. Neither one of us can figure out why people show up in droves to see these mindless wastes of time and energy.

Well in Spiderman Homecoming, he does get a cool suit made specifically for him by Ironman, and I must admit that there were a few cool scenes that came from his invention. So that should please the adults who simply want to see Spidey fly around town while saving cats from trees. Also, the final fight scene with Michael Keaton did look cool as Vulture was somewhat interesting but sadly there was not nearly enough of that.

Maybe if they had just done an actual reboot and showed Parker being bitten by the spider, it would have been better. But they instead chose the route of having a fat Jon Favreau and a clearly mailing it in, Robert Downey Jr. be his mentors. And that led to one too many scenes that just fell completely flat and killed any momentum the movie was building as they had zero chemistry between them.

I’m sorry, I know that I said I would try and look at it from the perspective of a normal human being but after I wasted two and half hours of my life on this trash I can’t let Marvel beat me into submission. They have everyone fooled out there and they’re slowly making me feel guilty about hating the steaming pile of poo they continue to serve me on a platter. But guess what, I don’t like poo and I never will like poo! So take that Marvel! I give Spiderman a rating of really WEAK!

Wonder Woman

For years now, I have been way more excited to see the latest DC comic book movies that have been coming out than I have the Marvel offerings simply because of the fact that with Marvel you continually get the same formula over and over again. I mean, I get why they do it, it’s safe and it’s guaranteed to make a billion dollars; but the fact that they already have a strong following should encourage them to take more chances with these classic comics(Logan and Deadpool being the obvious exceptions but they weren’t expecting much from Deadpool anyway). But unfortunately, they simply refuse to do so! It’s sad but the majority of movie goers and film critics out there continue to run out and spends tons of money to see these uninspired pieces of drivel while gushing over the mediocre product they just spent 2 hours of their lives to see. It’s similar to the clowns who go out and buy the latest version of John Madden football every year they release an update. "But this year you get to control what the cheerleaders wear at away games! " Come on man, those video game girls are never going to turn into a real life Jessica Rabbit. So just pop in your Plenty of Fish app, turn the lights down super low when Bettina eventually comes over, and save yourself $65.

Ok, so now that I’ve lost 90% of my target audience, let me just say that the DC movies that have been coming out are complete trash themselves; but I at least give them credit for trying something different. For some reason people didn’t like Batman vs Superman even though Christopher Nolan had his fingertips all over it. You remember him don’t you? He’s the guy that brought you The Dark Knight. Now I get that there’s a lot of CGI at the end B vs S but that film was dark as hell and the actors in it were actually trying; versus that of just being overly embarrassed by the fact they signed on for yet another one of these films (see Robert Downey Jr. in any post Avengers 1 movie). I also recognize the fact that The Green Lantern, Man of Steel, and Suicide Squad were all terrible but at least Squad tried to think outside of the box by giving The Joker a pinky ring and dressed up Common as a real rapper when they tried to make him look like The Game.

So it should come as no surprise that DC Comics were the ones who decided to make the first superhero movie that featured a female lead since Supergirl came out in the late 80’s; and even then they still called her a girl and not a woman. Now cinema has had strong female leads or co-stars in action movies since then, there was Sigourney Weaver in the first Alien movies and of course there was Trinity in The Matrix films but they were both either injected with way too much testosterone to truly be believable or they went to the George Lucas School of Wooden Acting. Well in Wonder Woman, they decide to let Diana experience life through the eyes of an actual woman who has estrogen flowing through her veins but also just happens to have the ability to kick some major ass! Who would’ve ever thought that was even possible?!? Hollywood can be so slow to the game at times.

Now the first act of the film moves rather slowly as they spend the majority of the time explaining the battle between Greek gods Zeus and his evil son Ares. Apparently Ares hated the humans his father created and wanted them all destroyed. So Zeus decided to create a secret weapon that he hid in the land of Amazonia to destroy Ares whenever the time came for us to have defend ourselves against his destructive powers. And this is where we are introduced to Diana and her fellow Amazonian warriors. It is here that we see Diana learn how to fight and utilize her unique skills under the tutelage of some pretty badass women and eventually grow up to become the Wonder Woman we all know and love.

And it isn’t until we see her rescue Captain Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) from a wreckage that she’s finally introduced to the humanity she was built to defend. From that point on, she moves about London as this beautiful and naïve girl who is finally learning about the world and its weird and wicked ways. It’s actually kind of annoying to a point because it feels as though she’s being reduced to the role that every woman is in Hollywood, a damsel in distress that needs the guidance of some man to simply survive.

But once they finally reach the war front and she sees how lost and distant humanity is when it comes to helping one another, that she turns into a Black woman and basically says "Aw hell naw! Y’all can keep going if you want to but I’m about to go kick some ass!" And that’s when the Wonder Woman music kicks in and we get what we all paid to see! I have to be honest that I was a little concerned over how the director of Monster and a few episodes of Entourage, Patty Jenkins, would handle an action film; but I have to say that for the most part I was pleasantly surprised!

When Wonder Woman flew and crashed into a building where a German sniper was wreaking havoc from, I almost stood up in the middle of the theater and cheered! Some of the action in that scene reminded me of The Matrix and when it comes to action these days, that’s not a bad film to mimic. It was at this point that I believe the movie found a healthy balance between making her an awesome superhero and yet somehow keeping her very much a woman who was discovering so many things about her new world. And that’s what made this film so unique. Yes, DC finally caved in a little to sticking to the Marvel formula of making superhero films but they still found a way to make it their own baby. And that’s all I’m asking for, just a little originality.


And it’s because of this originality, that I give Wonder Woman a rating of very FRESH!

Logan

All good things must come to an end. It started with the end of the Revenge of the Nerds and the Cannonball Run (Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise) franchises, then it was the latest run of the McDonald’s McRib sandwich, and lastly, the most recent blow to my gut, was the end of President Obama’s reign and the impact he had on America. Well now it looks as though Hollywood wasn’t satisfied with simply taking away my cheap food options and my cool blackness; oh no, they took it a step further and now have decided to take away my superheroes!

Look, I know that getting old is a part of the program; just look at Han Solo, he’s now crashing planes and playing chicken with jumbo jet airliners with regularity, but superheroes are supposed to be invincible! They’re not supposed to get old and slow or get Alzheimer’s, that’s the kind of thing that’s supposed to happen to people like Tom Brady; Go Cowboys! Well in Logan, writer/director James Mangold (Girl, Interrupted and 3:10 to Yuma) shows us the mortality of two of our most beloved X-Men – Professor X and Wolverine.

They are in hiding near the Mexican border as the world is now almost completely mutant free and the two of them are slowly living out their last days due to the various ailments that seem to be taking their toll on them. And with the aid of the Albino mutant tracker Caliban, Wolverine is saving up money so he and his mentor can find a safer place to hide from society as the world has seemingly moved on from its once hallowed superheroes. They now only exist through the glorified stories of them that are written in comic books. That is until one day when a young mutant girl shows up in their lives needing their help to escape from a dark organization that’s trying to kill her.

Wolverine, or Logan, is resistant to helping her as his only concern in life at this point is protecting Charles (Prof X). But the ever positive and welcoming Charles sees this situation as not only a chance to help and guide a fellow mutant but also an opportunity to finally get Logan to buy into the concept of family and the joys that come along with it.

Thankfully Mangold doesn’t waste our time with any sappy storylines or cheesy long gazes into the sky to help take our characters there, something that you’ll find plenty of in the other Marvel movies; he instead takes full advantage of the film’s R-rating and gives us tons of blood, action, and cursing! After dropping about a hundred f bombs in the first 30 minutes of this movie, it felt as though Hugh Jackman was letting out 20 years of frustration with the PG-13 handcuffs that were thrown on him by the studio in past X-Men films. And I have to say that seeing his blades chop off random limbs or impale unsuspecting hitmen throughout this entire film, it gave me some hope that superhero movies could once again be cool and engaging.

The child actor who played the young mutant more than held her own with the big boys as she displayed a rage that has been unparalleled by fellow child actors who play significant roles in similar movies. They usually just bring the film down with their robotic reading of lines and their inherently bratty nature. "I hate you dad!" Oh please, just go somewhere and listen to your Iggy Azalea album while I drink my PBR! But in Logan, the young Dafne Keen comes across like a 30 year veteran as she uses her mutant ability to fend off and kill the bad men who are out to get her.

And that’s what I loved about this film, it took my initial complaint of showing the depressing mortality of superheroes and turned it into a key and touching differentiating factor that helped separate it from its counterparts. It shows you that while life can suck for even the strongest of us, we all can find something that can give us a new lease on life, no matter what we’re going through. Oh, and it also provided us with some of the coolest scenes you’ll ever encounter when it comes to seeing Professor X’s powers going haywire. All I have to say about that is I don’t think you’ll ever see me go to a casino in Oklahoma again; and trust me when I say it has nothing to do with their fat hookers.

Logan was moving, refreshing, and violent and that’s all you can ask from an R-rated film these days. It gets a rating of TIGHT!

Doctor Strange

Let me start off by saying that yes, of course I know R. Kelly is a despicable human being; peeing on underage girls and recording it is something that’s almost unforgivable. Yet, we as a society have somehow chosen to turn a blind eye to it, simply for the fact that Ignition (Remix) is such an awesome booty shaking song! Now I include myself in this nonsense as I was one of the many that was in a converted strip club to hear Robert (that’s his actual first name) swoon us with suchsweet lullabies as Pregnant, My Body’s Calling, and of course Trapped in the Closet. And had the midget from those incredible videos actually popped in for a guest appearance, that may have gone on record as being one of the greatest shows of all time.

But for some reason, people don’t like to see their guilty pleasures brought to light. For the past two years, I have chosen to dress up as R. Kelly for Halloween; complete with Zoro mask and camcorder that has the words "I want to pee on you" taped to it. And I am not exaggerating when I say that 80% of the people I ran into were genuinely offended by it. I had people lecture me, hiss at me, and some even outright yell at me. Now keep in mind that this is a ‘holiday’ where people dressed up as the actual devil himself and yet they still got more love than I did. I mean, am I asking for too much to get a little tinkle and some lovin at the same time? (Disclaimer: for those who don’t know me, I’m clearly joking about that last part)

Well it should come as no surprise that our society has a hard time when it comes to picking out the true villains in life. When I saw the trailer for Doctor Strange and I noticed that it had the evil twin of Radiohead’s Thom Yorke (Tilda Swinton) in it, I just knew that she had to be the bad guy. She has all of the characteristics: she’s pale, she looks like Dr. Evil’s skinned cat, and when she smiles, it looks as though she just ate the heart of the young. But no, as it turns out, she actually wound up being Dr. Strange’s spirit guide.

Now for those who are truly being honest and aren’t claiming to have read more than a Superman, Batman, or a Spiderman comic book growing up, let me give you a quick synopsis of our latest hero’s background. Dr. Strange is the story of a brilliant but unbelievably conceited neurosurgeon whose life is turned upside down after getting into a nearly fatal car accident. The doctors are able to save his life but his hands are completely disfigured in the accident and he no longer has the ability to perform surgery. So he goes to considerable lengths to reverse the damage done with the hopes of returning to the life he once knew, and as a result, he nearly goes broke in the process. But as last ditch effort, he finally finds himself on the doorstep of The Ancient One (Swinton).

After some initial resistance to her ways and her philosophies, his world is once again turned upside down as he is exposed to a universe that’s full of alternate dimensions and magical powers that can be tapped into by simply expanding your mind’s reach. Well once he does, he finds that his brilliant mind can allow him to do far greater things than he ever imagined; things like teleporting to another country or world, changing physical dimensions, or even stealing books from librarians. But with powers like these, it can naturally lead to someone turning to the dark side. This is where Kaecilius (Mads Mikkelsen) and his search for immortality comes into play.

The makers of Inception helped bring the action of this comic book to life with their unbelievably creative and revolutionary set design. They were of course aided by the latest advancements in CGI but even with this technology, the film never quite drifted off into weird video game territory. And it’s because of this, Dr. Strange was able to provide us with some breathtakingly awesome scenes. Now having said all of that, this film never quite surpassed what you experienced in Inception. The story fell into the normal Marvel formula; a tale that’s not really all that challenging and spends way too much time trying to tell a clever joke rather than finding a clever twist.

Benedict Cumberbatch and Mads Mikkelsen are both solid in Strange but the director (Scott Derrickson, Sinister) never quite pushed them to be brilliant. The entire time I kept thinking that no superhero movie has come close to providing us what we experienced in The Dark Knight, and sadly, until we get a director with some balls, we won’t ever get one. I liked this film, I just didn’t love. Go ahead and check it out in 3D as that alone is worth the price of admission but do yourself a favor and lower your expectations. I give Strange a rating of kind of FRESH.

Suicide Squad

Everything about Suicide Squad looked lame from the outset; if it wasn’t the cartoonish looking cinematography that annoyed me, it was the fact that they cast the 30 Seconds from Mars scrub to play the Joker. I mean, everyone on the planet knows that Heath Ledger’s performance from The Dark Knight can’t come close to being topped but I guess they figured if you can’t beat it, you may as well go all the way left when trying to revive such a legendary character. Well just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I saw that they also decided to cast the boring Joel Kinnaman (Robocop) and the perennial franchise killer in Jai Courtney (A Good Day to Die Hard, Terminator Genisys) to come in and destroy any chance of this being an enjoyable film.

The only thing that gave me hope was the fact that David Ayer (Fury, Training Day) was writing and directing it, and if you look at his history, you’ll see that he really hasn’t made a bad film to this point of his career. I was also excited about the fact that Will Smith finally stepped out of his comfort zone and decided to play a bad guy for once. I mean, I’m clearly not counting the times when he decided to be a bad person in real life and forced me to see atrocities like After Earth and Focus; I’ll be nice and just let those two slide. Oh and I can’t forget the fact that I was going to see Margot Robbie run around screen for 2 hours wearing pigtails and a naughty school girl outfit. Every comic book nerd out there has been raising the stocks of Kleenex and Lubriderm for the past six months over that one.

So as I sat there front row Joe style with some old fat moron kicking my chair on purpose because I sat in front of him in a sold out theater (I mean how dare I right?), I really hoped that this wouldn’t be this year’s version of the awful Fantastic Four. Please please for the love of all that is right in this world, just be somewhat entertaining. And I’m happy to say that it actually was! Don’t get me wrong, this film is silly as hell but the good thing is, it never pretends to be anything but. Well there is this one scene where the evil squad randomly goes into a bar and starts to talk about their feelings but that was thankfully just a momentary lapse in judgement on Ayer’s part. He soon returns to his typical dark storytelling the second Will Smith "Cowboys the f&* up" and walks out of the bar to make everything right again.

The premise of the movie is simple enough; the overly ambitious and borderline evil secret ops director Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) decides to put together a team of meta-humans to help combat the next threat to humanity. She feels the world got lucky with the fact that Superman chose to be a kind super human but what if the next one that comes along decides to go an alternate route? Waller eventually gets approval to do so when she convinces the board that she can control the most powerful of the meta-humans in Enchantress by holding the key to her actual heart. She believes this will keep her in line; well that and the fact that the head of her task force Rick Flag (Kinnaman) is in love with the girl she has possessed (June Moone); so he will do whatever it takes to protect her. She’s also able to convince this crazy team of criminals to work for her by promising clemency in return. And they all sort of reluctantly agree while each having their own secret plan of escape in place.

Well they are all called into action one day after the Enchantress somehow escapes and releases the power and presence of her brother in the process. She then unleashes her evil plan to destroy all of the world’s armies so that she and her brother can once again rule supreme. So it’s up to the Suicide Squad to find her and stop her before she succeeds.

The story itself isn’t bad, it’s just that if you don’t go in with the right mindset, there are a few things in its presentation that will throw you off. For instance, the fact that Ayer decided to make Diablo a South Central cholo for some strange reason or the fact that Killer Croc is seemingly the secret cousin (not the one he’s having sex with btw) of Louisiana rapper Kevin Gates. Croc refers to women as Shorty and all he wants in his cell is BET so he can watch BET After Dark; presumably so he can masturbate to Nelly’s Tip Drill but that’s just my own personal opinion. None of this however will bother you if you go in realizing that this film is completely self aware; I mean one of the meta-humans superpower is that he can throw a boomerang really well. Seriously?

The highlights of the film are clearly Will Smith and Margot Robbie. If you ignore the fact that he dresses like 1970’s Shaft when he’s not in costume, Deadshot has some of the film’s best one liners and of course some of the film’s best action shots. After he decides to finally step up and take out an entire squadron of the evil army the Enchantress has built, one dude in the theater screamed " that’s my man!" as everyone laughed and cheered in agreement. And while Jared Leto did a decent job of playing a super street version of the Joker, Robbie played an even better version of his character in my opinion. She was sexy, smart, crazy, and probably the funniest part of the film. And while she was head over heels for her boyfriend (Joker) she never quite resorted to being the typical needy or whiny character that most female leads tend to do (and sadly not by choice) these days. She definitely held her own amongst her male counterparts and every time these two were on screen they definitely stole the show.

Don’t go in expecting to see a different version of The Dark Knight, instead set your mind to see an updated take on the first Blade movie and you’ll walk out a happy person. I rate this movie as FRESH!
 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllll no! There was absolutely no way Michael Bay was going to trick me into seeing Out of the Shadows. As a matter of fact, I wish that shadow demon in Game of Thrones took him out instead of that random scrub in the tent. With this latest release he has now surpassed Uwe Bol as the worst director/producer in the history of Hollywood purely based off the volume of crap he puts out on a yearly basis. I would rather watch Tommy Lee Jones struggling to pee in the morning than another one of his films.

He wasn't satisfied with just ruining the Transformers and Will Smith (Bad Boys 2) from my childhood, he also had to penetrate what had become a ritual on the weekends in my household; eating pizza and playing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle video game. And yes I use the word penetrate because he forcefully entered my tender memories and crushed them with that size 12 Beavis and Butthead cranium on his shoulders.

I actually met some scrub two years ago who came up to me and said "I actually loved the Ninja Turtle movie and anyone he didn't like it is a hater!" Well all I have to say to him is, you're the reason why they made nine, yes NINE Ernest movies!!
http://splitsider.com/2012/05/the-ernest-movies-in-proper-order/

And you're also the reason why Tyler Perry has set Black people back 20 years with his awful movies! Please move to the border towns of Mexico asap!

I rate this movie as unbelievably WACK!

X-Men: Apocalypse

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a little bit different. It all started when I was a kid and I religiously and almost defiantly wore British Knights to the playground while everyone else rocked Jordans or the Nike Air Pump shoes. And it continued in high school when I chose to go with the Gumby hairdo and listened to obscure RnB music as I drove around town looking for parties while everyone else blasted Green Day or some awful country music. So it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone that every time my buddies and I went to a pool hall, I’d be the one who’d put on Radiohead’s creepiest (no pun intended) songs like Climbing Up the Walls on the jukebox when everyone else simply wanted to hear Def Leopard or White Snake.

This natural inclination to be different explains why I still watch the Cosby Show with no shame while everyone tries to vilify me for it. I have no problems separating fantasy from reality; I’m watching and adoring Heathcliff Huxtable, not Rapey Mcraperson Bill Cosby. And why should I be ashamed of it? X-Men: Apocalypse director Bryan Singer has been quietly linked to these super secret Hollywood pedophile parties for years now and was almost brought up on charges for it a few years back, yet he’s able to still make movies. Heck, as a matter of fact people turned out by the thousands to see X-Men opening weekend. So just like Jesus Quintana was allowed to keep bowling in the league in the Big Lebowski, Bill should be allowed to keep entertaining me.

So with that said, I feel as though I have a special bond with the X-Men as in I too know what it’s like to be viewed as different from the rest of society. Oh and the fact that I’m a minority also helps but whatever. The past few movies have kind of thrown me for a loop with all of the time traveling and the converging of the old series and the new, but for the most part I’ve been able to keep up. It’s just that at some point the stories are going to be so convoluted that the movies will have to be as long as Dances with Wolves was just so they can get everyone their agreed upon airtime.

Well thankfully in Apocalypse they kind of cooled it with the complex storylines and simply focused on the original mutant Apocalypse himself. However that was one of only a few good decisions the writers and the makeup artists made with this film. It’s never a good thing when a movie reminds you of Superman: The Quest for Peace, Battlefield Earth, or Dark City; and sadly the latest installment of X-Men reminded me of all three. For whatever reason they decided to make Apocalypse look like Jim Carey’s version of The Mask and the uber-talented Oscar Isaac was forced to deliver these cheesy condescending one liners to us stupid man animals.

It’s the same problem The Avengers series is having with Vision; both he and Apocalypse’s powers are so great that they don’t quite know where to start with or how to properly portray them on screen. So they’re just stuck stalking around like idiots wearing these outfits that remind me of awful Halloween costumes drunk frat boys put together at the last minute. "Hey at least this way Becky won’t yell at me and I’ll still get to have sloppy drunken sex later!" Honestly, Vision would be way more entertaining if he talked like that. But I digress.

The X-Men are forced to ban together to help stop Apocalypse after he returns from his hibernation to destroy the world and everyone in it. By the way, I’ve always thought that this was a ridiculous plan simply because once everyone is dead, you’re just going to walk around your new planet with your four remaining friends? How boring is that? But who cares what I think, that was this moron’s plan.

It takes all of the X-Men to fight him because Apocalypse has the ability to transfer his consciousness into the body of other mutants and at the same time acquire their special abilities. Now this sounds cool but apparently all that amounts to is his having the ability to turn everything into quicksand and forcing every one of his opponents to effectively suffocate to death. And trust me when I say it’s a lot lamer on screen than it sounds here. There are a few cool action set pieces, especially towards the end in the film’s major battle scene, but outside of that and the trick they do with Quicksilver (something we saw in Days of Future’s Past) the rest of the movie is a snoozefest. It also doesn’t help that 90% of the cast can’t act. Out of respect for them, I won’t name names but let’s just say that after watching this atrocity I’m a little more sympathetic towards Ramsey’s (Game of Thrones) character than I was walking in.

This is a forgettable film and barely beats the disaster Brett Ratner put together in 2006. I rate this movie as WEAK and suggest you get drunk by the pool this Memorial Day weekend instead.

Captain America: Civil War

It’s happening and I’m finally beginning to accept it. It all started when I noticed this new internet challenge of the running man being butchered by these kids online. College students everywhere stop in the middle of what they’re doing when the song "I Want to be Your Lady Baby" by INOJ comes on and begin breaking out this remixed version of what used to be the running man. Well, me being the old kook of this town, had to point out to everyone that would listen that they were in fact not doing the running man but were actually doing the Roger Rabbit. And I also had to point out that I remember when that song went from being awesome and terrible to just plain terrible, but now it’s apparently awesome and terrible again. Now before I move on, I guess I should also point out that I do find the song and these online videos both hilarious and irresistible and that I did spend ten hours the other day trying to convince my friend to make one with me; so I can’t be that old, right?

Well just the other day I had these three really cute girls, who were all in their mid 20’s, come up to me to ask if they could take a picture with me and my homemade version of the Stanley Cup (it’s hockey playoff time). I of course said yes and after we finished taking the photos, they all laughed in approval of the fun moment and said to me "Thanks sir!’ as they went on their way. Sir? Sir?!?!?! I had just been sir’d for the first time in my life outside of a professional or sexual setting?!?! What the hell just happened? Did they trip over some random old guy’s cane when we took the photo? I guess I should just accept the fact that it’s official; old age is here and it’s a lot darker place than I ever imagined it would be!

Well the point of all this is that I couldn’t get these life changing moments out of my head for the first two hours of Captain America: Civil War. I kept hoping that they’d have an anti-aging superhero pop up and kick everyone’s ass in the middle of the film’s big climactic scene! It didn’t even have to necessarily be a power so to speak, they could’ve just given him a magical chain to put around his neck like Melisandre has. But sadly this never happened.

I did eventually get over these awful experiences and was finally able to settle into the movie, but the story writers didn’t do me any favors with the first hour of the film. Someone should tell them that a Marvel movie will never get nominated for a non-technical award at the Oscars, so please tone it down a bit with the overwrought set ups to their stories. I get that they don’t want this franchise to turn into a campy mess but please, we also don’t want to see No Country for Old Men in bright colored tights either.

The set up was nice and works well for the overall story arc (I say that because the first act felt like 20 episodes) but they definitely could have cut about 20 minutes out of it. For some reason they have no idea how to properly use Vision or his powers, so he’s just stuck being this overly proper British version of Neo from the Matrix. "I can use… paprika?" (In Keanu Reeves voice). And for some reason Captain America has this unabashed love affair with Bucky aka The Winter Soldier. I mean, I get that they were childhood friends and all but Cap will seemingly destroy every other friendship he’s made since then to save his life, regardless of what he’s done in the past. "Oh, you’re the one who was behind all of the Atlanta child murders? It’s ok, that wasn’t really you. Let’s get you out of here!" That didn’t really happen in the film but it’s not too far off.

In addition to this, the United Nations is looking to take away the Avengers’ right to complete autonomy after a string of recent incidents left too much collateral damage behind. Ironman agrees with them but Cap doesn’t, and this of course leads to some division amongst the Avengers. Things start to escalate when the world looks to bring in Bucky after he’s apparently behind yet another terrorist attack and Cap decides to defend him in spite of the evidence presented before him. It’s at this point that Avengers pick sides and we have the epic battle that we’ve all been waiting for.

And boy did they ever deliver in that regard! The action and the display of their powers is everything that we could have hoped for. I don’t want to tell you who had the coolest scenes as I’m well aware of the fact that there are some people who have purposely lived under a rock to avoid seeing any spoilers; so you won’t get any here. But for the rest of us, it just sucks that studios ignore the fact that this movie would’ve made a billion dollars anyway had they not told us about the surprise arrival of a few new superheroes. Thankfully though there’s a really cool plot twist at the end that I, for some reason never saw coming, so at least they left us that! And you do get to stare at Scarlett Johansson and Elizabeth Olson for two and half hours, so I really can’t complain too much.

So having said all that, I must give this movie a rating of very, very FRESH!

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

If you haven’t caught on by now, I have a weird collection of friends who are stubborn almost to a fault. I have a buddy who refuses to get on social media of any kind, so this means that he can’t get on certain dating apps like Tinder; and as a result, he hasn’t been on a date since 1979 (exaggerating just a bit). So instead of banging attention starved "young professionals" who are fresh off of their post adolescence phase and who are looking to get freaky, he just sits at home on the weekends with his daughter smoking blunts and knocking back bottles of scotch (his daughter doesn’t partake in the drinking or smoking btw).

Now while on the surface this sounds kind of fresh, he was recently caught making this statement about the latest actor to play Superman, Henry Cavill "Yeah, I tried to enjoy The Man from U.N.C.L.E. but Cavill was just too damn distractingly handsome in it". Um…someone get this dude off the trees and back over to the Red Light District stat! I’ve been known to get on a cold streak from time to time and have even looked to a glass of scotch or two to help ease the pain but if I ever make a statement similar to this one someone please pass me a purple drank and a blow up doll so I can at least technically get me a piece and get back in the saddle again!

The point of all that is, is I have another buddy who refuses to believe that Zack Snyder, the director or Dawn of Justice, is capable of making a good movie. He was so annoyingly persistent with his arguments that he actually broke me down and convinced me of the same. So much so, that I walked into Batman v Superman hoping to hate it. It had everything going against it: Ben Affleck replacing Christian Bale as the caped crusader, Snyder on to in effect make a sequel to the underwhelming Man of Steel, Jesse Eisenberg appearing as though he was overacting in the trailers, and Gal Gadot once again keeping all of her clothes on. Why on Earth was I paying to see this?!?!

And when I saw that the hack David S. Goyer co-wrote this film, I just knew that it was going to be awful! But then the movie started and it slowly but surely won me over. The film sort of picks up where Man of Steel left off. It’s just that you see the epic fight between Superman and General Zod through the eyes of the people who were caught in the aftermath of their battle as opposed to through the eyes of those who were involved in it. In the movies you always see the buildings crumble and fall but you never really see what actually happens to the people in those buildings.

Well in this case you do and what happened during the fight directly affected Bruce Wayne as well as his family, friends, and his employees. And as a result, he doesn’t trust the seemingly invincible Superman. He thinks that he does more bad than good and that it’s just a matter of time before he realizes his true power and turns on the human race. While he’s old as shit, Affleck actually did a solid job playing the angry and out for justice Bruce Wayne and I now have zero issues with him following up Bale. Who would’ve ever thought I’d say that after seeing the movie Paycheck.

Lex Luthor, who is played wonderfully by Eisenberg, seems to share in Wayne’s sentiment and as a result he is out for Superman’s head too, simply because he reminds him of God, who supposedly let awful things happen to him when he was a child. Now I’ll let you discover his evil plan for doing this on your own but just know that Eisenberg saw Heath Ledger’s performance of the Joker one too many times and took a trait or three from that performance and tried to incorporate them into his character. While that was a bit distracting, it didn’t totally take me out of the movie and he added enough of his own style to make Luthor his own.

The action in this movie is on point, even though some of it is a direct rip from the comics and the Dark Knight, and the score aides in keeping you on the edge of your seat. Snyder doesn’t do what normally gets him into trouble and that’s to solely rely on CGI to tell the story for him. He actually lets the actors do that this time around. And with all of the characters that were introduced in this film, you would think that the storyline would get bogged down but it never does.

My only real complaint was that when Batman was training to take on Superman, he should’ve been listening to Our Lady Peace’s Superman’s Dead in his IPhone. I hate to admit this but I have to rate a Zack Snyder film as very FRESH! Go check this movie out before they add the lame Aquaman and totally destroy any momentum they built with this effort.

***Spoiler Alert***

Someone please tell me why, when they introduced The Flash, he looked like a homeless dude who was trying to buy a six pack of Icehouse tallboys? I mean I thought he looked fresh but by no means does he look like a superhero. My idiot friend said that when he went into flash mode he should’ve stopped the robbery and finished a tallboy in the process.

Deadpool

When a buddy of mine in Colorado, a buddy I've never actually met by the way (and yes I'm well aware of the fact that this sounds like a dangerous catfish situation), sent me the Red Band trailer for Deadpool a few months ago; I immediately wrote it off as trash. It had Ryan Reynolds, outdated hip hop, and corny jokes in it; all of which are a sure fire recipe for disaster. I mean just look at what Reynolds and bad music did to Blade III and The Green Lantern; they essentially ended both franchises!

But I decided to ignore this damning evidence and give it a shot anyway because absolutely everyone I know was excited over the fact that this cult superhero was finally getting his own movie. In the comics he's always been a wiseass antihero who was known for his over the top violence and his ability to break the 4th wall (and if you don't know what that is I suggest you look it up so you can cheer when the other nerds do); so it at least had that going for it. Plus the studios actually had the balls to give a Marvel movie an R rating, and that's something that has to be supported otherwise we'll be stuck watching G rated horror films for the rest of our lives.

Well if you're lucky enough to have a cool girlfriend who's actually down to see a comic book movie over Valentine's Day weekend, be sure you set the proper expectations so you're not stuck on the couch masturbating with Hunter the family dog this Saturday night. Let her know that she'll at least get to see a shirtless Reynolds multiple times throughout the movie while you get to enjoy his crass and offensive jokes; most of which actually hit for a change. And that in what has become the latest trend in Marvel flicks, the best comic book movies are the ones that don't take themselves too seriously, see Antman and Guardians. So she can't help but see it with you because Deadpool falls squarely into the latter category.

Well if you're somehow able to convince her of all of this, here's what the both of you can expect when you walk into the theater. In this origin movie, you get a taste of what to expect for the next 108 minutes as you immediately see the film's humor in the opening credits. I won't ruin anything for you but just know that they touch on and make fun of every cliché that has for whatever reason become widely accepted by us, the mindless sheep. And early on you also learn how self aware Deadpool is as he makes a reference to the confusing timelines the X-Men movies have thrust upon us for the past decade, mostly in part to help make up for what Brett Ratner did in X-Men 3. So right away, this movie was able to win me over.

But what almost cemented this film as the best Marvel movie ever was the presence of Morena Baccarin (Homeland). It's amazing to me that after repeatedly being tainted by the wooden (no pun intended) Damian Lewis she's able to remain among Hollywood's hottest actresses. This is something that made me identify more with Deadpool's character as I would do absolutely anything to get her back in my life, and that includes rooming with an old blind Black woman who loves cocaine. Seriously, that's nothing compared to the crap I put myself through on a daily basis to try and get with the local Gina Rodriguez (Jane the Virgin).

I must also give props to the studio for finally casting a cool villain. Ed Skrein was more than serviceable as the evil Ajax with his British accent and his steely eyed glares. I actually found myself rooting for him for most of the movie after he brought the freshness in Transporter: Refueled, another franchise that I thought was killed by horrible music and gay overtones. The action for the most part is on point but you miss so much in the film's opening sequence (because so much is going on) that you'll have to see it a second time to truly appreciate it.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Colossus repeatedly show up to join in on the fun and provide us with some cool mutant powers to wonder at while Gina Carano and her double d's are always a welcomed sight in my life. So based upon this I give this movie a rating of FRESH and suggest you pop in!

Fantastic Four

If there is one thing I can’t stand in life, it’s to be stuck around boring people or to be placed in boring situations. In case you haven’t been able to tell from the 800 reviews I’ve done on this page, my life revolves around me entertaining myself almost on an hourly basis. I grew up in a horrible small town in south Texas where the only thing you could do for entertainment was get drunk, listen to country music in a field with your friends, and masturbate; not necessarily in that order, we didn’t have circle jerk parties or anything like that.

But the point is, there was nothing to do, so the second I moved to a town where they had more than three radio stations I promised myself that I would never again sit at home watching USA’s Up All Night for entertainment. Well more often than not I’m actually successful at this, but sometimes I run into instances where staying at home might have actually been a better play; and I’m sad to say that watching the latest adaptation of Marvel’s Fantastic Four fits in that category.

This movie does have some of Hollywood’s youngest and brightest talent in Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, and Toby Kebbell but for some reason they also stick us with the director of Chronicle (Josh Trank) and the not as hot or talented Mara sister in Kate (although this only applies to the land of Hollywood, in real life she’s actually quite attractive), and sadly the movie suffers as a result of it.

I have always considered the Fantastic Four to be the silliest of the Marvel movies mainly due to the fact that outside of Johnny Storm, the other three heroes all have pretty weak powers. Reed Richards (Teller) is a plastic man who can stretch his limbs to abnormal lengths but sadly there don’t take the easy layup and use any sexual innuendos to reference his new ability. Sue Storm (Mara) can create force fields and make herself, as well as other objects around her, invisible but for whatever dumb reason they also make her white when her brother is black. And then the Thing is just this dumb giant rock figure who is always grumpy and runs around tearing things up with his hands; which on the surface (no pun intended) sounds cool but in the context of this movie, it just isn’t. I’m joking on most of these but the point I’m trying to make is that the director failed miserably in his attempt to put these powers to good use.

The key to making any good comic book movie is to make it fun, funny, and thrilling; and tragically this movie meets none of those requirements. Instead Trank gives us boring, drab, and somber. This movie takes itself way too seriously. Even Johnny Storm, who is supposed to be the liveliest of the four is nothing more than a lame version of Roman from the Fast and Furius franchise. He’s supposed to be a hothead street racer who finally finds a purpose in his life but Trank somehow finds a way to even screw up his racing scenes.

All he had to do was steal one of the worst street racing scenes from Fast and the Furious and simply add some nitrous and Ludacris singing "Move bitch get out the way" and you have yourself a money scene. But no, he gave Johnny a lame Mazda that no one in real life actually wants, and he played an old 60’s RnB song that even I didn’t recognize.

And there you have it, that scene alone is a microcosm of this movie; Trank has chance after chance to take what is actually a fairly decent story and make something cool with it but instead he disappoints at every turn. There are actually about two minutes of freshness that happen towards the end once Dr. Doom shows up but that hardly makes up for the fact that you want to kill yourself for actually paying money for this torturous experience.

My advice to you is to avoid this movie at all costs. I give it a rating of completely WACK!
 

Ant-Man

As my 75 year high school reunion approaches this weekend, I find myself wondering if I can actually still pull young, hot tail like Michael Douglas and Paul Rudd obviously can. Now that it appears as though Douglas has at least physically recovered from his battle with cancer, he once again looks like the four digit suit wearing player that somehow roped in Catherine Zeta-Jones while she was still in her prime; although I think she just has a thing for older white men as Sean Connery clearly tagged that while they were filming Entrapment.

And while I have no doubt I can still probably trick one or two 21 year olds into hooking up with me, I lack the Scottish accent or the HPV I contracted from going down on too many girls (i.e. Douglas) to actually keep them around! I'm not quite sure that last one is a great opening line but after you've been with a girl, maybe the fact that she now clearly has it too and you've had the opportunity to display your skills will make her think twice about leaving you.

Anyway, what does any of this have to do with the movie Ant-Man? Not much outside of the fact that STD's can come in the size of an ant and sting just as badly as one of their bites can... I am never getting or giving head again after this article!

Well if you liked the movie Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, you will love Ant-Man as the same guy that brought you that movie wrote the majority of this one. Edgar Wright was originally slated to write and direct Ant-Man but pulled out due to creative differences; but his handprints are still all over this film. You can tell when he stopped and Joe Cornish (Attack the Block) took over but Cornish was talented enough to keep up with the spirit and the tone that Wright had already set in place.

And just like last year's Guardians of the Galaxy, this is an action-comedy at the highest level. It never gets too bogged down with a serious storyline like the first Captain America does but it instead finds a healthy balance between having an actual storyline and not taking itself too seriously.

And while I questioned his casting initially, Rudd wound up being the perfect fit for this movie. His charm and almost casual ability to make you laugh at any situation made this film about an ant sized superhero actually work. And what I particularly loved about this film was that it involved a heist; something relatively new for Marvel movies.

Scott Lang/Ant-Man (Rudd) is a talented cat burglar who gets recruited by Dr. Hank Pym to break into his old facility to destroy all of the research and technology the insane Dr. Cross/Yellowjacket has developed, as he plans to use his miniaturization discovery for evil. But they are on a clock as Cross is getting closer and closer to overcoming his final obstacle in achieving this feat, so Lang must learn the ins and outs of how to properly use the technology himself so that he can save all of humanity.

Director Peyton Reed (Yes Man) does an excellent job of using all sorts of gags to keep you laughing throughout the movie and you find yourself walking out of the theater with a new appreciation for insects and The Cure (you have to see the movie to get this joke). Ant-Man wound up being my second favorite Marvel film after Winter Soldier, so based off of that, I gets a rating of very FRESH!
 

The Top Ten Movies in 2014 (10-6)

I am not like the boring Academy where I think a movie has to be a dramatic biopic that doesn't really challenge anyone to be considered one of the year's best. I actually include action movies and comedies in my top ten because they can have just as much of a lasting effect on a person as sappy dramas can. While this year was universally considered to be an overall down year for movies, I had a hard time narrowing down my list to ten. So I will start with the ten that made honorable mention:
The Congress
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-congress.html
X-Men
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/05/x-men-days-of-future-past.html
Equalizer
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-equalizer.html
Snowpiercer
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/07/snowpiercer.html
Gone Girl
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/10/gone-girl.html
Obvious Child
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/06/obvious-child.html
Cheap Thrills
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/03/cheap-thrills.html
Nightcrawler
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/11/nightcrawler.html
Selma
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2015/01/selma.html
American Sniper
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2015/01/american-sniper.html

It was tough leaving some of these out but I take into account rewatchability too; I loved Sniper and Selma but man, I never want to go through those experiences again. So here are the first five of my top ten of the year.

10. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
There's no denying the entertainment value of this movie; the action was top notch as it has some of the more memorable chase scenes in recent memory and it let everyone know that Robert Redford is still alive.
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/04/captain-america-winter-soldier.html

9. The Guest
This is the best 80's horror movie that has come out since the 80's and it nails everything that was so great about that decade and it's over the top movies, including the wonderful music. I just wish they could have included a naked CGI Kelly Lebrock; I never got to see those wonderful perkies but Steven Segal and Gene Wilder did. Bastards!
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-guest.html

8. Interstellar
Although this movie has been ruined a bit for me because my buddy pointed out that literally every scene has someone crying in it, I love sci-fi and this movie brings to life a few things I thought I'd only see in my head; including a black astronaut. "If you going to the moon, then dammit we're going to the moon' Cedric the Entertainer
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/11/interstellar.html

7. Mood Indigo
A funny and depressing French love story that looks like someone's bad angel dust trip. It also reminded me why I'm still single. "Slow down essay, it's angel dust holmes" Hector to Smokey
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/09/mood-indigo.html

6. Fury
The power of the mustache and conversation can work wonders. David Ayer (future director of Suicide Squad) delivers again as he is able to give you yet another interesting angle of war and what it does to humanity. It somehow overcomes the douchieness of Shia LaDouche which earns it a top ten spot all by its self.
http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2014/10/fury.html

Sin City : A Dame to Kill For

Let me start off by sharing with you my love for all things Jessica Alba. When Dark Angel first came out in the early Noughts, my roommate and I literally ran to the television every Monday night at 8 to watch it (this is back before everyone had DVR), and I would sing this stupid little Dark Angel song that I had written myself. Now before you freak out, it was only three words long, so I wasn't that big of a freak but just know that it was unbelievably fresh. Anyway, she was so hot back then that we even hated Metroboy (Michael Weatherly) because she wanted him on the show and in real life too apparently. That bastard! But as the years passed and she married that scrub Cash Warren, she got a little older and had children; leading to her awkward and not quite as hot mom days. It didn't matter to me however, I still saw all of the horrible movies that she made even during this little weird period of her life. Thankfully though, it didn't last that long and she is back to being the sexy phenom that she was always meant to be. And if I were Cash Warren I'd be on the lookout for a scrawny black guy wearing a Muse t-shirt and a grey hoodie because he's coming for you! Not really, I'd get winded after running 20 feet.

The point of all of this is, is it's ridiculous to me that she plays a stripper in both Sin City movies and she never gets naked in either one of them. I mean, don't you think her loyal fans deserve at least one nipple at this point? I'm not being greedy! She can just look at Carla Gugino and Regina King for inspiration, they both hooked us up with images that will last a lifetime! Just marinate on it for a bit Jessica, that's all I'm asking.

Well thankfully in Sin City : A Dame to Kill For, Eva Green (forever the crowd pleaser) and Juno Temple step up to the plate! Green is naked in every movie she's in except for the stupid PG-13 Bond movie, and this is why I'll pay to see her recite Kobe Bryant's horrible poetry on screen for three hours if Hollywood asked me to. And Juno obviously read my mind as she provided me with a unexpected surprise in her odd scene at the beginning of the movie.

Now the movie starts off with Marv (Mickey Rourke) waking up on the side of the road next to these two wrecked cars with no idea how he got there. But as things start to come back to him, you see Marv basically being Marv; looking for a fight and finding one with these awful frat boys who are lighting homeless men on fire simply because they're bored. Next thing you know, there are car chases, guns going off, and arrows being shot! A pretty fresh way to start off the first 5 minutes of your movie.

From there you are introduced to the other story lines which include Johhny (Gordon-Levitt), one of the luckiest and most skilled men you'll ever see on the slots or the tables. He seems hell bent on beating and embarrassing Senator Roark in front of his friends by taking his money. When he does however, it leads to Roark using all of his resources to exact revenge on him; and if you know anything about the Roark family, they do far worse things to you than simply killing you. You are then introduced to Ava (Eva Green), the apparent damsel in distress who has this tight hold over Dwight (Josh Brolin). She pleads to him for his help, telling him that her life is in danger; and against his better judgement he falls for it and proceeds to recruit Marv to help him save her life. He, like most men, is blinded by her beauty and charms and cant seem to think clearly; and as you can imagine this leads to his possible demise. And lastly, there is still poor Nancy (Alba) who cant seem to get over losing the love of her life Hartigan (Willis), so she is drowning herself in alcohol and plotting a way to kill Senator Roarke; the man responsible for his death. Overall some pretty dark and depressing story lines.

The movie is similar in tone to the first one with it's over the top noir; the characters make these exaggerated movements in almost every scene and every character is seemingly infected with the city's evil nature. And I love this by the way, it's like the entire film was made specifically for Nic Cage to star in. Sadly however, he didn't make an appearance. You can't help but giggle at a few of the scenes but overall the style seems to work. But the problem is, it's not as fun or as polished as the first one was and ultimately that was its downfall. While Brolin was good, he didn't quite portray the coolness of Dwight like Clive Owen and his British accent did. And when it came time for his plastic surgery to change his appearance, they just simply gave him a wig. It was so stupid! He looked exactly the same! Would it have hurt to have someone else play his role in the scenes that followed? I mean, you changed the actor from the previous movie, why not do the same in this film? It's not like we got that attached to the Brolin; this would've been the perfect spot for Cage! Whatever, yet another missed opportunity. And even though I love him as an actor, Gordon-Levitt's story was pretty useless. The only good thing it had going for it is that involved Christopher Lloyd and I will never complain about that.

The women are all beautiful in it and Eva Green walks around completely naked for at least 10 minutes of the movie. So when you get bored, you at least have that to wake you up. Marv is usual awesome self as he destroys everything in his path. But Dennis Haysberth didn't quite work as the new Manute; he was nowhere near as imposing as Michael Clarke Duncan was! Lastly, this movie needed more Miho doing fresh things with blades. She's basically in it for 3 minutes.

Overall I was entertained, it just seemed like they rushed to get this one done, even though it had been 9 years since the last one. I give it a rating of kind of WEAK but still suggest you check it out to support the genre.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Hells no!!!!!!!!!!! There was absolutely no way they were getting my money for this trash!

Rating - Wack

Out

Guardians of the Galaxy

I must admit that ever since I saw the first trailer for Guardians, I was secretly hoping that it would bomb at the box office. It just looked like another lame attempt to bring 80's style movies back to the big screen. In the 80's it was ok to make corny action comedies that involved intergalactic adventures and talking animals; everything flew then. Don't you remember how awesome Howard the Duck and The Last Starfighter were? Well if you look at them now, they just come off as unbelievably cheesy; but cheese worked in the weird 80's. I can't think of any other situation outside of porn where you can have sex with a duck on screen and it doesn't kill your career!

Plus, what executive in Hollywood does Chris Pratt have evil photos of? How did this guy's career all of a sudden take off at the age of 35??? He used to be the chubby loser you laughed at in rom-coms and in Parks and Rec, but now all of a sudden he's the face of a Marvel Franchise and the upcoming Jurassic World? I need this dude's agent! He'll have me writing Obama's speeches for him within 6 months! Can you imagine that? I'd unintentionally piss off every country in the world within the first 2 weeks of being on the job. Well, maybe not China. Also, do we really need another movie where Zoe Saldana is every color but black? I think she's the new Michael Jackson in that regard! Just look at the facts; she requests that they paint her entire body weird colors in movies, she's married to a white guy, and she intentionally lost her black girl booty! I actually have no problem with the first two but please, please don't mess with such a wonderful gift! Just look at Nelly's Tip Drill video and you'll understand my passion for black women and their assets!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tb0YT1f8bRc

I remember reading about how there was an actual plot for this movie versus that of its Marvel counterparts; and yes there was an actual story, but I'm not too sure that it was any deeper than the other comic book movies that have come out lately. It has a fairly standard sci-fi plot; Peter (Pratt) comes into the possession of a special orb that multiple parties in the galaxy have a particular interest in obtaining; mainly for sinister use. So the evil Ronan sends out his henchmen to find it so that he can break the peace treaty that's in place and avenge his ancestors' deaths, meanwhile Peter's old partner Yondu (Walking Dead's Rooker) wants it so that he can collect the hefty bounty that's out for it.

Peter is initially able to escape both of their attempts to capture it, so this leads to Yondu putting out a bounty to capture him, and Ronan sending out his right hand man, so to speak, in Gamora (Saldana) to bring back the orb by any means necessary. And this is how the Guardians gang comes together. Gamora, who sadly doesn't live up to her name in this movie, has her own agenda to get the orb into safe hands as she knows how insane Ronan actually is. And Rocket and Groot try and capture him for the bounty that's out, when they run into Peter trying to collect his money for the orb. They all cause such a ruckus in a rather entertaining fight scene, that they wind up in jail as a result of it and this is where they hook up with the angry but noble Drax. They soon come to a rather strange agreement that what's best for everyone is to keep the orb away from Ronan, sell it to a collector, and if at all possible, try and kill Ronan.

Not bad for a sci-fi film, don't get too bogged down in the science behind the power of the orb, add in a ton of action scenes, and make sure you show plenty of the hot lead actress. Overall not a bad formula to follow. Oh, and this movie also happens to be really funny! I hate Bradley Cooper but thankfully you didn't have to see his frat boy face; all you had to hear was him spit out awesome one liners as the clever and resourceful Rocket. Believe it or not, the talking raccoon wasn't that annoying after all. Also Vin Diesel must have the best agent in the world because he got paid millions of dollars to say one line over and over again as the giant tree (Groot) that only has the ability to say three words. Groot was probably my favorite character as he was basically The Iron Giant but with the ability to grow bigger and longer. I mean who would've guessed that you would draw the strongest connection to the seemingly dumbest character in the movie. Groot also provided one of the most memorable scenes when he takes out like twenty soldiers at once.

Which leads to my next point, the special effects in this movie were pretty cool, which is obviously key when making a sci-fi film. I loved the Fifth Element but man it's hard to get past those men in rubber suits posing as aliens. All of the battle scenes looked great, the cgi animals blended in well with the human actors, and they even were able to provide their own Prometheus moment when the group entered a dark cave while trying to take down Ronan. Also, with as much grief as I give Pratt, he actually did a fairly awesome job as Peter and looked quite comfortable as the lead; which is the shock of the century as far as I'm concerned. I'm now rooting for him and I hope his career takes off from this point on.

For some reason they made the Collector look like Jim Jarmusch (Ghostdog, Broken Flowers) but at least the end credits scene from Thor 2 finally makes sense to me. I have my nerdy friend who was rocking her grandma sweater to thank for making that connection. This was a fun movie that I thoroughly enjoyed and I give it a rating of FRESH!