Spider-Man: Homecoming

For one review and one review only, I will try and give my take on a film from the perspective of a normal movie goer. I’ll do this because I realize that I’m 177 years old, I’ve never been married, I have zero kids, and I see over 100 movies a year in the theater; so I am far from what anyone would call normal. And because of everything I just said, in the eyes of most women, I should probably be on some kind of watch list and am likely one bad month away from living with my mother. And if that’s the case, I really hope she still has my Michael Jackson bedsheets on my bed because I want things to feel as normal as possible when I return home! That last statement alone should warrant at least $100,000 in psychiatric treatment but we’ll just pretend you didn’t read that and move on.

But because I see so many movies a year, it’s kind of hard to impress me now. I see almost every joke and plot twist coming from a mile away and I can also tell when material is dumbed down to appeal to the masses. Well I hate to say it but Spiderman fits this to a tee. There’s nothing remotely original or even interesting about it. I mean, I get that it’s a comic book movie and Spiderman in particular is meant to cater to a younger audience but even cartoons throw in a busty female character from time to time to help keep the attention of the adults. And while they did try and throw us a bone with Marisa Tomei, sadly way too much attention was put on the, trying way too hard to be cool, Zendaya. By the way, don’t you have to have at least one platinum selling album before you can go by one name? Somewhere out there Seal is losing his damn mind!!! "Bitch, your ass is no kiss from a rose on a grey!" Ok, so of course Seal would never call a woman a bitch BUT I’m pretty sure he walks around his home all day singing lyrics from his songs while making toast and cleaning one of his 25 cars. How else could someone that ugly pull a pregnant Heidi Klum? That takes some mad game right there!

Anyway, if you’re a teenager or a kid you’ll love this film because the high school kids act like actual high school kids. They log everything they do on Snapchat, they obsess over nerdy things like Star Wars, and they spend their entire time crushing on some cute boy or girl. Well, everyone but the too cool for school Zendaya that is; she spends all of her time cracking lame jokes and watching old black and white documentaries about Madonna. But kids may even find a connection with Peter Parker’s best friend Ned as he’s supposedly the comic relief side kick in this film. The second he finds out that Peter is Spiderman, he loses his mind and asks him a million questions. No literally, I mean he asks a million questions and you’re forced to sit through each and every one of them like you did back in the day when your kid brother asked "Why is the sky blue?" "Why are there birds in the sky?" "Why are you turning red and looking for a baseball bat?" I mean, I get that he’s excited but they ran with that bit just a little too long for me.

But moving on, if you only see 4 to 5 films a year in the theater, the pure spectacle of a Marvel film may be just what you’re looking for. You don’t need an interesting plot or any original action set pieces, you just want to show up and see Spiderman spit out webbing and kiss Mary Jane at the end. At least that’s what my idiot friend suggested to me. Neither one of us can figure out why people show up in droves to see these mindless wastes of time and energy.

Well in Spiderman Homecoming, he does get a cool suit made specifically for him by Ironman, and I must admit that there were a few cool scenes that came from his invention. So that should please the adults who simply want to see Spidey fly around town while saving cats from trees. Also, the final fight scene with Michael Keaton did look cool as Vulture was somewhat interesting but sadly there was not nearly enough of that.

Maybe if they had just done an actual reboot and showed Parker being bitten by the spider, it would have been better. But they instead chose the route of having a fat Jon Favreau and a clearly mailing it in, Robert Downey Jr. be his mentors. And that led to one too many scenes that just fell completely flat and killed any momentum the movie was building as they had zero chemistry between them.

I’m sorry, I know that I said I would try and look at it from the perspective of a normal human being but after I wasted two and half hours of my life on this trash I can’t let Marvel beat me into submission. They have everyone fooled out there and they’re slowly making me feel guilty about hating the steaming pile of poo they continue to serve me on a platter. But guess what, I don’t like poo and I never will like poo! So take that Marvel! I give Spiderman a rating of really WEAK!