Bad Boys for Life

Remember when you were in your mid to late 20’s and it seemed as though all of your friends were getting married? You didn’t mind the fact that every bachelor party was in Las Vegas or if the ceremony just so happened to be a destination wedding; all that meant was you had the opportunity to get laid on a beach while people shouted random things at you in a foreign language. “Oui Oui! Oui Oui!” That’s French for “Bang away Black man! Bang away!” Or something like that. What can I say, the French are some freaky voyeuristic pervs! And for the record, I was never cool enough to have sex on a French beach but I do get mistaken for L.L. Cool J all of the time, so maybe I can convince my girlfriend to reenact the Pink Cookies in a Plastic Bag or Doin It video with me one day while we’re traveling in the South of France (sorry Mrs. Phillips).

Anyway, I have a bachelor party coming up in a few weeks and we’re flying out to San Francisco for it. Now most people go out to San Fran to drink wine or to dress up in sparkly rhinestone while flying their freaky flag for the first time but not us; we’re going to go on a brewery tour. No joke! We’re flying to the wine capital of the U.S. to drink beer! My buddy just sent me the itinerary and literally 12 hours of each day involves drinking at a brewery. There’s not even any time set aside for food, just beer! Oh, but there is one exception, and that’s for us all to go on a tour of Alcatraz. That’s right, THE Alcatraz!!! This is a prison that’s on an island all by itself and is world renowned as the prison that only Sean Connery could break out of. “Welcome to the Rock!”

So, in case you haven’t figured out by now, I am a Black man. Why on earth would I ever voluntarily go to prison? I feel like this whole trip is a trap! It’s like when they told my African brothers back in the day that they were giving free swimming lessons off the coast of Cape Town; next thing you know we’re in America singing Old Negro Spirituals while working in the fields! No thanks guys, I’m good!

Well the same can be said for me going to see a movie about Black cops. Sure, this was an okay idea over 22 years ago but now it just seems like a bad propaganda film. “See! Not all cops are bad! We like Black people”

If I signed up to be a cop today, all my friends and family members would immediately disown me, unless of course I looked like Will Smith. Big Willy Style somehow transcends all barriers even if he did dabble in Scientology for a bit. And it’s because of Will Smith that I decided to break down and check out Bad Boys for Life.  I figured that after a 12-year run of average to below average films, he was due to deliver another hit. How could he let, what is by far his best franchise go up in flames? So, I decided to look past the fact that Martin Lawrence looked like a fat grandpa and popped in on opening night. And boy am I thankful that I did!

The first 15 minutes or so will have you rolling your eyes as it’s full of lame jokes that are clearly retread but once Mike Lowry (Smith) gets gunned down on the strip of South Beach, you know that it’s officially on! What intrigued me was the film’s main villain, the super sexy yet spooky Isabel Aretas. She breaks out of a Mexican prison in the most spectacular of ways, even if it doesn’t fully make sense, and she immediately goes on a revenge tour with her son, Armando. Her plan is to kill everyone who not only had something to do with her being locked up but who also had a hand in the death of her husband, the head of a deadly Mexican cartel. This includes the judge, the D.A., private investigators and of course Mike Lowry. Now Mike’s involvement isn’t fully revealed until much later in the film but once they do expose you to what his actual role was, you see that this film is more than just a money grab for the studio. The writers took this film seriously and added a worthy chapter to the Bad Boys story. They kept the overall spirit of the previous films by putting the focus on the ride or die bond that exists between Mike and Marcus. And of course, they were sure to include beautiful shots of South Beach, the beautiful women who stroll around South Beach, and the over the top action scenes which typically end with a slow motion shot of the carnage that multiple gun shots and explosions usually leave behind.

Since Martin Lawrence is basically a pudgy gnome at this point and Will Smith is 50 years old, they did have to bring in some younger blood to provide the crazy stunts that we’ve become accustomed to. So, enter the previously mentioned Armando, who is basically a Latin ninja, and Mike and Marcus’s supporting cop unit who is led by one of Mike’s exes in Rita. While the younger team is annoying at times, there is some pretty good back and forth banter that occurs between the older and the younger generation.

And this is the role that Martin Lawrence plays so well, the comic relief. Since he can’t move around that much anymore, he basically just cracks joke after hilarious joke, none of which I will spoil for you now. But just know that there were quite a few times where he had me laughing at an embarrassingly high volume. And this is what you want in a Bad Boys film – comedy, action, and beautiful people at every turn. By the time Marcus was gunning down bad guys with an arsenal of weapons from a side car, I knew this would be an instant classic.

Don’t let the cheesy previews fool you; this movie is definitely worth watching. And by the time you leave the theater, you will be singing Puff Daddy’s “We aint, going nowhere, we aint, going nowhere, we can’t be stopped now, cuz it’s bad boys for life”. I am giving this movie a rating of FRESH!

1917

Have you ever had a friend try and talk you into doing something that wound up being a lot worse than they originally let on? The answer is yes, I’m sure but there’s a huge difference between someone getting you to try a cream cheese filled cupcake and you fearing for your life. Well, when it came to me being bamboozled by my girlfriend, the latter came into play. Recently, we went to Marfa, TX to celebrate our birthdays and while we were down there, she thought that it would be a great idea for us to go hiking in Big Bend.

She let me know that it was only a four- or five-mile hike and considering the fact that I run four miles a day, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal for me. Keep in mind that I grew up a sheltered black boy in the South, so the only hiking I was accustomed to was hiking to the grocery store to get more oil for the weekly fish fry in my dad’s backyard; so needless to say, I had no idea what I was in for.

We get to this mountain, and I do mean mountain, and I thought to myself, there’s no way in hell we’re going all the way to the top, it’s like 20 miles straight up. But I couldn’t let my girlfriend see the fear in my eyes, so I pressed on. Sadly however, as we kept walking, I told her that I needed a break, we had to be at least 2 miles in…we had only walked like a half mile at that point. And it was at this point that I noticed the signs all around us that told us to hide all our food and to beware of bears and mountain lions. Fucking bears and mountain lions?!?!? This was never presented to me in her pitch!

So now I’m forced to make a choice, if as were climbing Mt. Everest, I see a mountain lion jump out and attack my girl, do I jump in and help her out or do I use what little energy I had left to escape? Well I am not ashamed to admit that I chose the escape option. Sorry baby, the mountain lion already had white meat, there’s no need for me to jump in and give him a buffet with dark meat too! I’ll post our trip on Instagram, you’ll live forever in my memories or at least until the next Instagram comes along. I’ll be single by the time she reads this.

Anyway, that’s pretty much the premise of writer/director Sam Mendes’s (Skyfall, American Beauty) latest offering in 1917. When I first saw the title of this film, my initial thought was “Oh great! More people reminiscing about the ‘good old days’ that weren’t so great for my people”. But when I realized that it was a war movie about white people shooting other white people, I was immediately onboard! I’m kidding, I’m kidding of course, for all you super sensitive people. Well, sort of anyway. I did think that Mendes had it in him to give us a fresh perspective on WWI and as it turns out, I was right.

The story starts off by a random commander walking up to Lance Corporal Blake (Dean-Charles Chapman -Tommen from Game of Thrones) and telling him to grab someone to go with him to headquarters. He of course grabs his buddy, Lance Corporal Schofield (George MacKay) who’s sleeping and has no idea what he’s about to get into. Well once they get to headquarters, they are surprised to see that the General is there to task them with an important mission that could save over 1,600 lives; including that of Blake’s brother.

The British army is about to walk into a German trap and they have less than 24 hours to get the message over to them. And the General feels as though Blake will obviously risk life and limb to get this message over to the commanding officer in time as his family member’s life is on the line. So off he goes with his friend, who is now unwittingly in the shit with him, to walk in the middle of a war zone to save hundreds of lives. What makes this film more engaging and moving than that of a similar film in Dunkirk, is that while no backstory is given for these characters either, Mendes employs a filming trick to make it seem as though the entire movie is filmed in one shot. So, you get up close and personal with these characters and it feels as though you’re the first player in an RPG (role playing game for all my old peeps out there). You feel every bomb that goes off near them and are dodging every bullet that whizzes by them. And as you go through these experiences together, it feels as though you’re getting to know these characters on a personal level. You’re suffocating along with them as they’re being buried in falling rubble or are falling into a raging river. You’re leery as you’re about to come to the top of a hill with no idea if an ambush is awaiting you or not. And you start to think to yourself, if only the colonel had the new iPhone 11, we could simply send him a text message about the upcoming ambush and go hit up the nearest pub for a proper pint and some footie (that’s my attempt to be British). But then you realize that it’s only 1917 and that the phone was only invented just a few decades earlier, so you settle back in and continue this journey with your newfound brothers in arms.

And what else is so great about this filming style is that it puts the production design on full display. Dennis Gassner (production design) and cinematographer Roger Deakins should run away with the Oscar in both categories as what they were able to accomplish added yet another level to the storytelling. They were able to show the atrocities of war without ever really zeroing in on a specific item or a singular happening. Instead, as you embark on this journey with Blake and Schofield, you can’t help but notice the maimed bodies of fellow soldiers you’re crawling over in the mud or the innocent animals that are caught in the barb wire you’re trying to avoid. Every dark corner or shattered home could be the hiding place of a German soldier just waiting to take you out. The whole film is super intense and you cannot wait until you reach a safe place where you can finally catch your breath. But then it’s in that moment that you realize it’s just a matter of time before they send you off with Blake and Schofield on yet another dangerous mission even if you are successful in this one. And that’s the beauty of this film, it says and accomplishes so much without beating a preachy message into you.

I clearly loved this film as Sam Mendes once again proves that he’s one of the best directors in the game. I suggest that you go see this film, especially since we are a country that’s on the brink of war. I give this movie a rating of very FRESH!

The Equalizer 2

Going out on a Monday night is not something that I typically do but I was fortunate enough to see a Sam Smith show on the floor for free, so I figured why not! Now I get that that dude is super talented but man every song of his sounds exactly the same. So by the time he came out for his encore and finished the thirteenth version of the first song he played that night, I was looking to spice things up a bit. It was at this point that I decided to go to one of the few remaining cool bars on Austin’s East Side.

Now there are only two kinds of people that go hard in the paint on a Monday night and that’s the service industry; people I know and love because the vast majority of my friends fall into this category and I myself was once a part of it, and your total degenerates. Today’s story will revolve around the latter. As I sat in the previously mentioned bar I overheard this scrub gloating to his friends about how much he’s been getting laid lately. He said that the secret to his success is that he no longer dates, he instead spends his dating money on hookers. His friends nervously laughed, mainly because he was loud and they were a bit embarrassed to call him a friend, but also because they were a little intrigued. "Oh word, is this something that could work for me too?" He said "Listen! I figure I’d be spending 2K a month on a girlfriend anyway, so why not just spend 1K a month on hookers instead? It’s great, they don’t give you any shit AND they even bring me drugs!"

Now I guess this conversation was a bit better than the time I went out on a Monday and heard some guy admitting to stabbing his own dad…ON PURPOSE!!! But not by much. The point of all of this is, both scenarios sounded as if they would be a perfect fit for The Equalizer. These poor hookers will eventually need to be saved from this moron and that guy’s poor dad certainly needs some retribution.

And that’s what made the first Equalizer so cool; sure it was a little cheesy at times but it was the ultimate fantasy movie. Who doesn’t want a dad like figure in Denzel Washington rolling up on Russian gangsters and kicking their asses simply because they think they run stuff in America? I know Liam Neeson did something similar in Taken but he never took out an entire Russian mob using nothing but his smarts and the entire Home Depot catalog. By the time that movie was over, I was literally standing up and cheering.

But when they announced that they were making a part 2, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Denzel never does sequels because he knows how lame a Training Day 2 would be. Oh you thought Alonzo was dead? He’s back from the grave to show n-words how it’s really done!

Actually, I’d pay money to see Alonzo train a bunch of young hoodlum scrubs to get back at Ethan Hawke for what he did to him in the first film but that would kill the legacy of that character and Denzel’s iconic performance. And he knows this, this is why he’s always pushing himself to do something different; whether it be in a character he’s portraying, a movie he’s directing, or even acting on stage, he’s always looking to improve and not look back. And who knows, maybe he saw this as his next challenge, making a sequel for the first time in his career and actually making it better than the first.

Well I’m sad to say that he failed. Not that Equalizer 2 was a terrible movie, it just felt forced and a bit stale. What made the first so unique and fresh is completely missing in this film. You’re able to figure out the plot twist and the overall story within the first act of the film and everything that follows is something you’ve seen in every action movie that came out in the 90’s.

Now don’t get me wrong, when he’s still Equalizing and helping random scrubs out, that part is still cool; killing and talking trash to random Turkish scrubs and a wannabe hitman while he’s driving a Lyft car is pretty fresh. And the film’s final battle scene where he viciously takes out his opponents is something that will stick with you for a while but for such a simple storyline, this film ran about 30 minutes too long. Director Antoine Fuqua does his best with the story he’s provided but cool action scenes can only do so much; especially when it’s painfully obvious that they are purposely trying to outdo anything that happened in Equalizer 1.

It hurts my heart to say it but I would only check this film out in the theater if you’re bored or you need to escape the kids. I give Equalizer 2 a rating of kind of WEAK. Now if you will excuse me, my date from Exotic Services is here.

Ant-Man and the Wasp

I love the band Radiohead! I mean, they have slowly drifted off into the land of dad rock these days but I really couldn’t care less as they still do hold a special place in my heart. To this day I still stalk every set list of every show they play and I also rush to the theater to see any film that Johnny Greenwood (guitarist) has scored, even if that means sitting through a three hour epic about a young British boy and his pet pig’s journey to freedom after his abusive uncle threatens to bang said pig on camera to save the princess’s life. I somehow combined The Butcher’s Boy with Black Mirror for that odd reference but you get my point. I’ll do anything to support their efforts.

But my friend Carole takes this stalking thing to another level. She is currently on a small Radiohead tour herself as she is seeing 5 of their shows over an eight day span. And on top of that, she also hangs out in the hotel bar where the lead singer Thom typically stays with the hopes of smelling and brushing his graying ponytail. Is she living out some twisted My Little Pony fantasy of hers or is she simply looking to create a spin-off of Love and Hip Hop called Love and Doctor’s Waiting Room Music: NYC 2018. I kid, I kid, I love their new albums.

I guess the one question I have is how far would she be willing to take it if she had access to the Ant-Man technology? And I’m not just talking the ability to shrink to an unnoticeable size but also the ability to reverse the aging process and see a younger Michael Douglas. Would she shrink just so she could sneak into the shower of 1996 Thom Yorke and claim that they actually bathed together? Or would she simply sleep on his pillow at night? I know these both sound rather disturbing but I’m certainly not above doing any of this myself. I would totally shrink myself just so I could have the ability to motorboat the 1970 version of the mom from Step Brothers! You know that she had to be super-hot back in the day! And the reason why I chose 70’s Step Brothers mom is because that was right before Burt Reynolds got to her. I don’t know for sure that they ever banged but it’s Burt Reynolds, I just assumed he banged everything that walked by him!

Oh well, until that technology is made available to everyone, we just have to live vicariously through Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) and Hope (Evangeline Lilly). If you were like me, you were wondering where Ant-Man was while Thanos was doing work on the other Avengers in Infinity War. Well this movie, in a way, addresses that. They basically spend two hours setting up what happened to Ant-Man while all that other craziness was going down. Now don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed this film but it really could have been reduced to a 20 minute short, especially after what you witness what happens in the after credits scene.

But hey, why not give us 100 extra minutes of explosions, gunfire, and Evangeline Lilly. After Captain America rescues everyone from prison, Ant-Man is apparently put on house arrest for two years. So he spends all of his time with his daughter and his best friend Luis as they try and set up a small security business together. Meanwhile, his now ex-girlfriend Hope and her father Hank Pym (Michael Douglass) are trying to find a way to get into the Quantum Realm with the hopes of finding her mother and his wife, Janet; played by Michelle Pfeiffer, another woman I’d shrink back in time for. When Scott survived the Realm in the first Ant-Man, this gave Hank hope that his wife could still be alive.

Well when Scott reaches out to Hank after a weird inexplicable connection between he and Janet occurs, they break him out of house arrest with the hopes that they can use that connection to find her. But word gets out about what they’re doing and a new adversary arises in Ghost, a beautiful British version of Meghan Markle who is looking to use his technology to survive.

The introduction of the Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) is certainly cool, especially when you first see her kicking the asses of black market dealers in a restaurant but the character that steals the show is Ghost. It’s not just that she’s beautiful but that her superpower is the coolest thing I’ve seen since the Albino twins in Matrix: Reloaded. They really should’ve given her some dreads and bad teeth. And it’s because she’s so cool that it’s hard to root against her. You just wish that they could resolve their differences so they could band together, go find Thanos, and bring the Black Panther back to life. Wakanda forever!

Oh well, the cool fighting that takes place helps you get past that and has you begging for more, especially when you see a 200 foot Ant-Man riding a scooter around downtown San Francisco. Well that and all of the humor that’s in this film. Rudd is his usual funny self and even Luis’s storytelling hasn’t lost its edge.

Clearly this film was made for the sol purposes of making money but even with that in mind, I walked away feeling as though it was money well spent. I give Ant-Man and the Wasp a rating of FRESH and I suggest that you pop in.
 

Sicario: Day of the Soldado

There are certain films that you should only take your bros to see with you and then there are other films that you’re probably better off seeing by yourself. I say this because one random Saturday afternoon my idiot friend and I went to see a very French and unbelievably sad film in Mood Indigo. And afterwards we were both so distraught that we had to spend the rest of the day power drinking just to keep ourselves from throwing one another off of the University of Texas Tower. That film leaves you with absolutely no will to live; so naturally I couldn’t wait to see it again but this time in the comfort of my own home and at a time when I was unbelievably happy. It’s such a great film.

And then there was the time this girl convinced me to see the super artsy flick Antichrist with her for our first date. The opening scene is a baby jumping off of a ledge to its gruesome death; now that alone should have been a clue for us to walk out but no, like idiots we decided to stay. And sadly things didn’t get any better as the rest of the film spent its time focusing on a couple who was literally trying to kill one another in the woods while dealing with their grief. Now combine that with the fact that there was a talking, rabid dog and a deer that gave birth to a baby doe while running from Willem Dafoe (I mean it literally fell out of her while running), it’s safe to say that there was no sex for me that night. I instead went home and booked an appointment for a vasectomy while watching The Golden Girls; anything to keep me from wanting to reproduce or even engaging in the act.

The point of all of this is that Sicario 2 somehow fits into both of these categories. This film is a dark and realistic look into the C.I.A. and the twisted agendas of our country’s government; basically the perfect film for our Independence Day. Happy Fourth everyone! If you were a fan of the first, you will more than likely be down with the sequel however if you just thought part one was sort of eh, then you will absolutely hate Saldado.

This films starts off with a series of suicide bombings, one of which takes place in Mexico just outside of the Texas border and another that takes place in Kansas City (or some random town in the Midwest). The government believes that terrorist organizations are getting smarter and are now no longer attempting to fly into the county. They are instead bribing Mexican Cartels to sneak them in illegally through the southern U.S. border in a new form of human trafficking.

So they reach out to their Cartel expert in C.I.A. operative Matt Graver (Josh Brolin) to come in and get to the heart of problem. And after doing what he does best, Graver finds which Cartel is most likely behind these recent events and reaches out to everyone’s favorite tortured father in Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) to help him take them down. Their plan is to start a war amongst the Cartels so that in the midst of killing one another, they’ll no longer have the bandwidth or resources to continue to help terrorist organizations sneak into our country.

In order to get the fireworks under way, so to speak, the C.I.A. behind Alejandro’s lead, kidnaps the daughter of one of the cartel’s leaders under the guise of a rival Cartel. Their plan is to then "rescue" her from the rival cartel and return her to the safety of her father. Well seeing as how this is Mexico and there is corruption at seemingly every level of government and public service, things go horribly wrong and now not only does the operation itself risk being exposed but the girl’s life is also in danger. And this is where things start to get dark.

While there are a few jokes that are thrown in from time to time to help keep you from cutting yourself and putting yourself out of your misery; the film focuses on the dark side of pretty much every character, cartel, and government agency. There are betrayals, bribes and merciless killings at every turn and sadly this all takes place within the first hour of the film! Does anyone have any good left in them or is everyone just looking out for themselves?

Well thankfully you do eventually get to see the good side of a few characters, surprisingly so in some cases, and that’s the only thing that keeps this from being the most depressing documentary of all time. The ending is just a little too Hollywood for my taste but the gritty action, the unbelievable tension, and the realism of it all is what keeps you glued to the edge of your seat. What I loved most was some of the subtle but truly in-depth looks into the characters’ backgrounds and how that played into some of the seemingly inexplicable changes in their behavior. Taylor Sheridan (writer) continues to be on point when taking you into the dark underworld that most of society would rather pretend doesn’t exist and this is why this film is so special.

I absolutely loved this film and I suggest that you check it out, but only do when you’re in a really good mood. I give Soldado a rating of FRESH!

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

I realize that the vast majority of the people who come across this review will have never even heard of the movie The Crow, much less have seen it, but you should know that that film is basically The Godfather to quite a few goth kids (I should say goth parents at this point) out there. It was a dark superhero film that allowed everyone who has ever felt as though they were an outsider to live vicariously through Eric Draven as he exacted revenge on those who took everything from him. You cheered every time he took out an adrenaline seeking conformer and rocked out while doing so because this film also had a killer grunge and industrial soundtrack, music that was considered to be weird in a Country Music loving society. Tim McGraw and George Strait were really big back then.

It didn’t take long for this movie to become a cult hit and when that happened the studio decided to try and cash in on our pain. What sucked is that the film’s main star Brandon Lee died tragically during the filming of this classic so the studio had to scramble to find a way to make a sequel. So they decided to move the story to Los Angeles and just painted some white looking Hispanic dude’s face even whiter and tried to push that off to us as a cool continuation of the story. They even brought in Bush and Hole to add some sexiness to the screen. Those are bands that were on the soundtrack by the way, not my adolescent way of saying there were some cool sex scenes in it; although if this blog has proven anything it’s that I’m certainly not above doing that.

The point of all of this is that Hollywood didn’t learn its lesson when this film flopped, they proceeded to make two more awful sequels that were hated by both the diehard and the casual fan. And believe it or not, they still plan to reboot it with Jason Mamoa in the next year or two. Will someone please tell those greedy bloodsuckers to let it go and just let us have that one moment in time? Well the sad thing is, The Crow wasn’t the only childhood memory that Hollywood stepped on, they’ve also been killing the memories of every science and anthropology nerd out there by releasing terrible sequels to Steven Spielberg’s classic film Jurassic Park. I, like every other kid, grew up with this fascination of dinosaurs and never believed that we’d ever get to see them outside of a museum. That is until Spielberg brought to life every kids dream, an amusement park where you could actually see live dinosaurs doing dinosaur things in their natural habitat. We sat in awe and then terror as the Velociraptors and the T-Rex wreaked havoc on everything that got in their way, and we simply couldn’t get enough of it.

So even though we knew the sequel was probably going to be terrible, we all lined up to see The Lost World, and guess what, we were right! Now you would think that Hollywood would have learned its lesson but we all know how this story ended, they came out with a part three that no one saw and they had no choice but to finally put Jurassic Park to bed. That is until Chris Pratt and Colin Trevorrow came along and gave us Jurassic World, a silly movie that we wound up putting up with for nostalgia purposes only. Anyone with a half a brain knew the movie wasn’t that good (pretty sure I gave it a rating of Fresh but I was drinking a lot back then) but it was something to take your kids or nieces and nephew to see. And even though it was both fun and ridiculous, we were all hoping that there wouldn’t be a sequel.

Well here we are, talking about Fallen Kingdom; a film where Trevorrow reached out to a 13 year old intern to write the story for. In it, the island that hosted the killer dinosaurs is on the verge of destruction due to an explosive volcano that’s about to erupt. So one of the co-creators of the original park, James Lockwood, has his assistant and apparent heir, Eli reach out to Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) and Owen (Chris Pratt) to help rein in as many of the dinosaurs as they can so they can save them from extinction. There is a party of hunters on the island that have already captured a few of the dinosaurs but they cannot reach the most difficult species, the Velociraptor; and more specifically Blue, Owen’s pet project and the smartest of them all. Owen reluctantly agrees to go along but once he does he immediately realizes that this mission isn’t what it was presented to be. Eli has basically hired poachers to come in and steal the most dangerous dinosaurs so that he can turn around and sell them on the Black Market to be used as weapons. There’s even an underground auction that takes place with some of the world’s worst human beings in attendance. Well as you can imagine things go south and everyone involved has to fight for their lives.

Now just like the new Burger King Beer Burger that recently came out, on the surface it doesn’t look or sound that bad but the second you bite into it, you immediately become sick and cannot believe that you’ve wasted your money. Damn that creepy king! The underground auction is as stupid and as cheesy as you imagine it would be simply because it’s a bunch of old white and Japanese men in suits sweating and salivating over these dinosaurs as if they were 18 year old strippers who had just been sex trafficked into their creepy lairs. And for some reason they portray anyone who’s young as an annoying Millennial who cannot stand to be outside and is afraid of absolutely everything. It’s as if my grandfather was brought in to be a consultant for that piece of the film. Every joke is lame and falls completely flat and the action scenes are so derivative, it honestly feels as though you’re watching The Lost World again. There’s nothing remotely original or engaging in this film with the exception of the unintentional comedy that’s provided every time they try and add drama to the story. I literally broke out laughing every time a dinosaur climbed to the top of a house or ran through a cage to the backdrop of an operatic crescendo. It was as if I was watching Van Helsing with dinosaurs. But that sadly wasn’t enough to make me feel as though I got my money’s worth.

I strongly suggest avoiding this film at all costs as I give it a rating of unbelievably WEAK!

American Animals

A few years ago I went on a date with this girl who told me she had just graduated from Transylvania University. At first, I thought that she was just pulling my chain (outdated phrase) but when I noticed that she never started laughing and simply continued on with the conversation as normal, I finally came to the realization that she wasn’t. Now I get that I will never be confused with being the smartest cookie in the batch (yes, I just called that metaphor into existence) but I can’t be the only one who has ever thought that she was referencing the same place that once gave us Dracula from the classic film Scooby Doo and the Ghoul School. Is Dracula really real? Do they study blood at this university? Is everyone required to eat Count Dracula cereal in the morning?

These were all of the burning questions that immediately sprung up in my mind after she said that and I so desperately wanted to ask her these things. Now a normal human being would have simply waited until she went to the restroom and then Googled these inquires before breaking them out on their date but not me! I couldn’t wait, I had to know! Well as you can imagine, she thought I was a moron for asking her such ridiculous questions and we never went on a second date. I personally thought that it would be cool if one of your school’s prerequisites was that you had to eat sugar covered ghosts every morning but maybe that’s why she’s now rich and traveling the world and I’m stuck writing grade school level movie reviews for free. Oh well, my broke Winona Ryder is out there somewhere; she’ll laugh at my terrible jokes. That was a true story by the way.

Who knew that Transylvania University was actually a real school in Lexington, Kentucky and that it had an average enrollment of around 1,000 students? And an even lesser known fact is that it is also the home of some of the rarest books on Earth, all of whose value is worth millions of dollars. And that’s where the film American Animals comes in. Just when I thought my moment of embarrassment was forever behind me, Hollywood had to stick it in my face one more time!

Well as you can imagine, life in Kentucky gets pretty slow at times and you run out of creative inspiration rather quickly. You can only paint so many portraits of Rick Pitino with black prostitutes before it’s time to move on to the next thing. And trust me, painting Black women’s booties can be stimulating but it’s also an all day job and it’s something that’s not easily handled by the faint of heart. So Spencer, who actually attended Transylvania University at the time, decided to team up with the University of Kentucky’s Warren, a free spirit whose ideas on challenging the status quo wound up being a negative influence on Spencer and ultimately led him down the wrong path in life.

One day after touring the library and being introduced to the secure location that houses these books, Spencer sort of casually brings it up to Warren who immediately sees it as their opportunity to never have to work for the man again. So they begin to devise a plot that, in their minds, required minimum risk and led to a quick payout. But as they gathered more information and realized the difficult task that was before them, they decided to recruit two more Transylvania students to help with reconnaissance (Eric) and the getaway driving (Chas). Will they actually go through with it? Or will one of the many signs that this is a great idea on paper but a horrible idea in real life finally make them come to their senses? I’ll let you guess what direction they wound up taking.

Part of what makes this film so cool is the fact that it’s a mix of standard storytelling; characters living out the plot as it happens, and the actual people who attempted this crime in real life recounting their versions of story. And as the latter happens, you get to see how the movie’s characters act out the varying versions of the story. Did some things actually happen or were certain events just a fantastical tale to help keep the others interested?

The involvement of the actual people was a bit annoying at first, simply because it felt like you were watching Season 1 of Parks and Rec, a season that’s universally hated by everyone. But as the story got darker, you noticed an eerie chill creep throughout the entire theater as you watched these people relive these moments in their minds. The raw emotion that this situation evoked is something that I won’t soon forget. One moment you’re just looking at kids act out what was essentially a research assignment and the next you’re watching them become the low level and scrubby versions of Val Kilmer and Robert Deniro in Heat.

I have to say that I was a bit skeptical of this film at first because Movie Pass kept hyping it up to me in their stupid app of their. But as it turned out, they took my $10 a month and delivered a solid film. Now if we could only pay Rian Johnson ten bucks to go back and remake The Last Jedi, we’d be on to something. I give American Animals a rating of FRESH!

 

Incredibles 2

14 years is a long time to give someone to make a sequel. Look at all that has happened during that time period; America elected its first Black president and then followed that up by electing a game show host, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat came on the scene, Prince, David Bowie, Michael Jackson, and even The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’s daddy died, Kim Kardashian actually saw a white penis for the first time (Kris Humphries) and then of course immediately went back to black, and the Avengers all came to life and recently died in dramatic fashion. Even people who are waiting for the Second Coming were like "Man, it took you guys long enough!"

But now everyone can finally rejoice because The Incredibles 2 is here. Now sadly Samuel L. Jackson still wasn’t able to sneak in a "motherfucker’ or two in this film, killing his streak of 182 consecutive films in which he’s done so by the way, but in every other way this sequel certainly does live up to the hype.

Even after their latest heroics in Incredibles 1, the world is still not in a place where they are ready to fully trust and let superheroes back into their lives. If you remember anything about the first film, it left off with The Mole wreaking havoc on the city and the Incredibles family all suiting up to stop him. Well part 2 picks up at that same moment, and in typical Incredibles style, they jump through hoops (not actual hoops although that would be a fresh superpower) to stop him but they destroy half of the city in the process. And it is at this point that everyone has had enough, so much so that even the covert operation that once protected the secret identities of the superheroes has lost its funding. So the only option that’s left for them is to give up their once glorious and exciting lives and to go back to the normal and mundane 9 to 5 daily funeral that the rest of us normal humans live.

That is until this rich media mogul, Winston Deavor and his sister Evelyn, decide to reach out to Mr. Incredible, Elastigirl, and Mr. Freeze with an enticing proposition. He loves superheroes like his father once did; and he believes that if superheroes were never barred from using their abilities, that they would have been around to save his father’s life. So he comes up with a marketing campaign that he believes will turn the public’s view around on these recently fallen heroes. Now due to the liability concerns around Mr. Incredible and his occasional carelessness, Deavor decides to start with Elastigirl and her incredible (no pun intended) efficiency in taking down bad guys. Which of course puts a cramp in Mr. Incredible’s lifestyle as he now becomes the modern day version of Mr. Mom while his wife is off getting into exciting but dangerous adventures.

You get to see Elastigirl’s powers on full display while at the same time witnessing just how much of a chore being a stay at home parent is for Mr. Incredible. He’s struggling with teaching Dash new math and completely bungling up his daughter Violet’s boyfriend situation while his wife is off saving lives in dramatic fashion and once again becoming a hero in the public’s eye. But what stands out the most is his family finally discovering their baby Jack-Jack’s superpowers; the clear highlight, and to be honest, the overall focus of the film.

Sure Elastigirl has to face off against this new villain who cleverly uses visual and audio waves to hypnotize whomever he comes into contact with in an attempt to try and stop her and the Deavors’ new campaign but that’s just filler until the next time Jack-Jack turns into a devil baby or pops off into another dimension. And these are just two of his many tricks. The scene where he takes on the raccoon that’s trying to raid their trash is probably the best action piece of the entire franchise.

And in addition to this, writer/director Brad Bird also introduces some new superheroes who, due to the success of the marketing campaign, now feel safe to come out in society and finally display their talents. Which in a sense makes this film the cartoon version of X-Men 2 (my personal favorite of that franchise) because there are so many cool and funny action scenes that involve their powers. Although Reflux Man’s powers were still pretty gross.

Oh, and of course Edna steals the show yet again. When the credits started rolling, I found that I wasn’t initially blown away by this film but the more it sat with me, the more I liked it, and it’s because of that I’m pretty sure you will too. I give it a rating of very FRESH!

Avengers: Infinity War

Let me first start off by saying that I completely understand; the older you get and the more money you make, it’s hard for anyone to stay motivated. I don’t care if you’re Kanye West waking up to Kim Kardashian every morning or if simply you’re Fred Durst waking up to the stripper versions of Carmen Elektra after playing yet another theme park in rural Kansas; at some point you relax and you stop consistently tapping into those creative juices that once made you so special. This is why you see once cutting edge acts like Nine Inch Nails and Yelawolf playing old man rock festivals in the parking lot of an arena in San Antonio. And yes, you read that correctly, they aren’t even big enough to actually play in the arena anymore, they just roll out the stage the cheerleaders usually practice on and make these scrubby entertainers dance for the corndog eating bikers of yesteryear.

But you know what? I’m ok with this, these bands aren’t hurting anyone, they’re just trying to support their estranged hookers and illegitimate children; or in the case of Yelawolf, his drug habit and his need for the latest Yeezes. And speaking of Sir Kanye, he chose to go the opposite route; instead of gracefully drifting off into the land of obscurity, he decided that it would be a great idea to troll Black America. Yes, the same Black America that supported him after he went on national television and sounded like a lost child in the mall who somehow stumbled his way onto a telethon. He thinks that he’s being a marketing genius but in his attempt to become the next Andy Kaufman, he has regressed as an artist and now has become the wack version of MC Hammer. And I say the wack version because at least Black people still respect Hammer and what he did with those amazing pants.

What’s the point of all of this? Marvel didn’t let the girl with the fat ass lull them into complacency. After 10 years and 18 films, they could’ve easily mailed it in and given the people yet another mindless crowd pleasing conclusion. They instead chose the route of doing something they’ve never done to this point which is to give us a thought provoking film that doesn’t provide any closure. Now, of course I’m aware of the fact that there is a part two of Infinity War coming out next year and that Thanos (Josh Brolin) does possess the time stone that could in theory reverse everything he’s done to this point (a likely copout) but that doesn’t take away from what they accomplished with this film. For the first time that I’m aware of, people walked out of a Marvel film crying and shaking their fists in anger. "What do you mean the good guys didn’t win? There’s no way everyone died; that’s not fair!" And yes, props to Marvel for pulling off the ultimate Episode 11 of a Game of Thrones season. Hell, at one point I thought they were even going to film the actual, real life death of Stan Lee; talk about the perfect Fourth Dimension moment!

At this point, you already know the plot, supreme badass Thanos has finally kick started his evil plan of collecting all six Infinity Stones (the particles that formed the universe) to control and "save" the universe from itself. His plan is to help us hold on to our resources by killing off half the universe’s population. The way he sees it, there’s no way the universe can sustain itself at the rate we grow and abuse our surrounding environments. And I have to say that I agree with him, anytime I roll up on a party in Texas and they run out of Bud Light, you know there’s too damn many of us living here! Well of course The Avengers being The Avengers can’t let that ride, so they try and do everything they can in their power to stop him. And when I say The Avengers, I mean those officially in the troop and those who have never even met Ironman or Captain America.

And this is part of why I liked the film so much; I thought that with this many characters, there’s no way they could give them enough quality screen time without coming up with a convoluted storyline. But as is never the case, I was wrong (kidding of course). Everyone with the exception of Black Panther, Hulk and Vision had their own badass moment in the film. There was Captain America and his Indiana Jones esque intro in the film when he casually dodged a flying axe like he was Leroy Jenkins catching bullets in his teeth in The Last Dragon. And yes, that was a reference to a Blaxploitation karate film from the 80’s; check it out. Ironman was on point with his shit talking as always, Thor got another awesome weapon, Spiderman and Groot both redeemed themselves from their previous films and the women all proved that if given the chance, they could easily carry a solo film of their own. And while Thanos was clearly insane, he presented his points of view with such level headedness that it made his character that much scarier. It was like watching this new version of Kim Jong Un, there’s no way he’s this nice. I keep waiting for him to throw the leader of South Korea into a fiery pit just so he can collect the Nuclear Infinity Stone and blow the rest of the world to bits.

But it was the combination of all of these things; the boldness of Marvel to try something new and dangerous, a villain who wasn’t too over the top, and a slew of awesome action scenes that had you cheering for more. That is, until everyone died! And this is why I loved the film. Come on, you’ve had 18 chances (minus Panther) to walk out of a Marvel film without being challenged in any way, shape, or form; you can handle one film that makes you uncomfortable. And it’s because of this that I give Infinity War a rating of TIGHT!

Ready Player One

As I celebrated my 86th birthday this week, I had the opportunity to reflect on some of the better birthday celebrations I had when I was still a bright eyed and hopeful youth; the best of which was a fish fry my dad threw for me in his best friend’s epic backyard. I’m from a small town where there wasn’t much to do, so fish fries were a big deal; they gave everyone the chance to unwind from a long week, catch up with old friends, gaze at the stars, listen to some of the best artists RnB and Jazz (at least for my family) had to offer, and of course drink all of the Bud Light, Budweiser, and Crown Royal the local market had to offer. I mean, if I were old enough, I definitely might’ve impregnated someone that night but at that time my game was pretty weak, so sadly I was dateless at my own party. All I could do was enjoy the family and friends who gathered there and temporarily forget the fact that I lived in country Texas.

And this is why I think Ready Player One is even more of a fantasy than the writers intended it to be. Again, I was in a small town and this was 70 years ago, so this was well before the days of virtual reality. In order to escape my daily misery, I had to rely on ghetto VR which consisted of me day dreaming about hitting the game winning shot in the Final Four and then banging every woman from the James Bond movies as a reward afterwards. And trust me, I can feel your judgement as I write this but I think I deserve some credit for not turning into a Children of the Corn psychopath who stored bodies in his closet just before running off to get some late night Taco Cabana. Victoria was that awful of a place.

The point is, if Ready Player One was a nonfiction story, it would’ve been the most boring movie ever made because all teenage boys care about is Pikachu and getting laid. You seriously would’ve had 2400 hours of footage that focused solely on some dude chasing a yellow looking doll around a park while finishing way too quickly once a girl sticks her hands down his pants. I guess there’s the off chance that he’s an early developing Furry and you see Pikachu sticking its hands down his pants but that’s seriously the best you can hope for.

Well thankfully they decided to go the route of fiction and gave us the story of Wade, a kid who lives in a depressing version of our future where the only escape from the poverty and awful living conditions is the virtual reality world called Oasis; a place that was created by the genius programmer, Halliday. Halliday loved 80’s and early 90’s pop culture and most of his VR world featured some of most iconic things from those eras. It was such a great escape that literally everyone played his game, especially after he made the announcement that whoever found his three hidden Easter eggs would not only inherit his fortune but would have control over the Oasis.

Wade and his best friend Aech are two of the remaining few who continue to try and solve Halliday’s tricky puzzles. And in the process, Wade falls for the mysterious Art3mis, another gamer who has a shared hatred for the big corporation that’s trying to not only win the game but also have even more control of this dystopian society. Will they find the eggs before the corporation does? Can Wade even trust Art3mis? And is his friend Aech hiding the fact that he’s really a Furry who’s trying to lure him into his dark underworld? These are all things you must find out on your own.

But in the process you’ll have fun doing so because the VR world Halliday has created is so cool. It’s not all about the game; in his world you can literally make all of your dreams come true. Whatever you can imagine is brought to life in his world, so even if you don’t get all of the 20 and 30 year old references, the visuals in this movie alone will keep you engaged. Not to mention the fact that the challenges Halliday requires you to pass before you find each egg are fun; the first of which was the most exciting of the film. It’s a race that you must win, which sounds easy enough, except for the simple fact that no one has ever been able to actually finish the race. You not only have to fight off your opponent but the tons of obstacles that are thrown in your way, like the T-Rex from Jurassic Park or King Kong who basically destroys the entire race track. And it’s in this race that you see the bulk of the pop culture references Halliday implements, 70% of which are all from Spielberg movies; the same guy who directed Ready Player One. I personally thought that if he were really fresh, Spielberg would have also included a few nods to some of his depressing films like Schindler’s List or The Color Purple. You too can have sex with Whoopi Goldberg or mow down Nazis while trying to free people from a concentration camp. Admit it, you were expecting a more offensive joke than that, weren’t you? Come on, I’m not a monster!

Anyway, even without those additions, this movie was highly entertaining and I strongly suggest that you go see it in the theater. I give Ready Player One a rating of FRESH!


　

Black Panther

They’ve finally arrived!!!! Our reparations have officially started to trickle in. And no, they didn’t come in the form of 40 acres and a mule like our ancestors were promised. They didn’t even come in the form of a large check like Dave Chappelle tried to prepare us for; and I firmly believe that this hasn’t happened yet because at the time he proved to Black people that we’re not quite ready for something of that magnitude as we would spend the vast majority of it on Kool cigarettes and delinquent cell phone bills. No, they, and by "they" I mean the people who control the world (Steven Spielberg and Sting- if you can have sex for 40 hours and not cum or get tired, of course you rule the world) have first decided to empower us by giving us a true superhero that we can all believe in!

Now this happened for me decades ago when Wesley Snipes introduced the badass Blade to the world but even then I realized that he was only for a niche audience. Not all Black people can connect with a day walking vampire who hates and kills all other vampires. And who knows, maybe that’s part of the reason why we can’t overcome. If you don’t think a guy who says "Some muthaf*kas are always trying to ice skate uphill" after killing the ultimate vampire isn’t the coolest guy on the planet, then you have some serious soul searching to do.

But Black kids, Black adults, and honestly, everyone needed to see a strong, intelligent, and powerful Black superhero to not only help Black youth expand their minds and tap into the far reaches of their imaginations but to also help other cultures gain a better understanding of our viewpoint. Because sadly, having a real life Black President didn’t achieve this, he was apparently too busy sneaking into the country from Ethiopia and killing everyone with health care.

So director/co-writer Ryan Coogler knew just how important this film was. It couldn’t simply just be another cheesy addition to the Marvel universe and it sure as hell couldn’t be a low budget cousin of a Tyler Perry movie that only spoke to the lowest common denominator. This film had to be more than that. And I’m happy to say that he delivered in a major way! Heck, I felt so empowered after seeing it that for the first time ever I thought about signing up for Meet Black People dot Com just so that I could meet my Nubian queen with the hopes of taking over the world. But then a day later I met and talked to this beautiful Italian girl and I was back to my old ways. But I’m also an idiot, so this in no way reflects how the rest of our culture was affected by this film.

When making Black Panther, Coogler didn’t fall into the trap that the other Marvel movies do, which is to put so much focus on the staying true to the comics that actually coming up with a good story is almost an afterthought. With Panther, he decided to go the route of making a great film that just so happened to fit in the Marvel universe. Yes, he’s still true to the comic but the story is layered and touches on so many topics that it almost requires multiple viewings to catch it all.

In it, T’Challa is about to take his rightful place as the king of Wakanda, a hidden nation in Africa that has technology so advanced that it can change the world. But as he does so, he faces a number of challenges that would cripple the normal human being. He has to survive the challenge for his throne from a rival leader, he faces the pressure of keeping Wakanda and its resources a secret as the Black nations around him suffer, and he discovers a family betrayal that could come back to haunt him and his entire nation.

And this is where Michael B. Jordan as Killmonger comes in. Kllmonger’s role was, in part, what elevated this film to another level. I say this because he’s wasn’t just some cartoonish character who was a part of the sometimes silly Hydra Klan or even some virtual reality project that went wrong. He instead represented the frustrations, regret, and to a certain extent, the aspirations of every young Black male in America. Well, maybe not those weirdos who stand behind Trump with those Blacks for Trump signs, I don’t know where they come from. I’m still holding out hope that they’re just hired extras who are simply trying to pay the bills before being cast in the next Spike Lee film.

But anyway, yes, Killmonger is the extreme version of the Black man’s psyche. I’m not saying that Black men want to drop bombs on "Whitey" or anything ridiculous like that but wanting to pool our resources for the betterment of our people versus holding on to the little stuff that we do have is certainly a goal. The way he totally disrespected royalty whenever he addressed them encapsulated Americans general lack of respect for other cultures. And he had so many classic lines in the film; the final of which was one of the most profound lines ever spoken in cinema. I basically stood up and raised the Black Power fist after that!

But thankfully the movie wasn’t all serious as there was plenty of badass action in it! Every time Panther’s suit stored up kinetic energy and then released it to destroy SUV’s or armor covered rhinos, I nearly wet myself with excitement. And Tchula’s main bodyguard Okaye (The Walking Dead’s Danai Gurira) basically stole the show. Gurira brought Michonne’s fierceness to the big screen and made you fear her more than you did the king himself. Plus, every weapon used in the film looked really cool, especially when they controlled them using their awesome VR machines.

In the end, this film was funny, cool, and more importantly, relevant! And hopefully this raises the bar for future Marvel films as I can’t help but give it a rating of very TIGHT!

   

Hostiles

Cedar season is once again upon us and as you can imagine, it has absolutely floored me! I can’t see, breathe, smell, or feel anything but pain! And because it has completely incapacitated me, I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on the past; most of which has brought back some pretty sad memories. I looked back and realized that most of the people that I considered to be my heroes in life have either turned out to be complete scrubs, creeps, or in some cases both! And it was upon this realization that I immediately became angry and refused to acknowledge any positive contribution they’ve made to society. But as is always the case with me, I, for whatever reason, cannot hold a grudge! I start off on fire but I inevitably cave in and wind up forgiving them after simply sipping on a beer or two and listening to an old school Radiohead album.

We all know what allegedly happened between Michael Jackson and those kids at that ranch of his but after thinking about it for a bit, I figured if something awful like that really took place, there’s no way in hell a Macaulay Culkin would have ended up with Mila Kulnis. After an experience like that, you either turn into Pee Wee Herman and get caught jerking off in a porn theater or you end up married to Oprah Winfrey and wind up jerking off in your own private theater, while Gayle watches of course; there really is no in between. And while neither of those actually sound all that bad, they are still a far cry from the Russian beauty that is Kulnis!

Bill Cosby is yet another hero of mine who let me down but he also gave me Lisa Bonet so that automatically gives him a free pass. Now Christian Bale’s antics on the other hand, took quite a bit longer for me to forgive and forget. Is it simply because he’s a pompous white male? No but that certainly is a fair question for you to ask. It took me longer to forgive Bale because he played the role of Batman, yet another childhood hero of mine. Was he the best Batman ever? No but The Dark Knight is easily the best Batman film to ever grace the big screen and you certainly expect someone who is a part of something that big to carry themselves in a respectable manner. You can’t be caught on camera berating the behind the scenes people who helped you get your $15 million per movie. Now is this the same as getting little kids drunk or serving women roofi coladas just so they’ll have sex with you? No but neither of those actions led to the making of Terminator Salvation! How can you ruin the Terminator franchise with just one film?!?! It’s an American treasure; the Sci-Fi version of Huck Finn! This is nearly an impossible feat!

Well once I ran into Bale at the Austin City Limits Music Festival and witnessed just how awesome he was being to a little kid who simply wanted to meet Batman, I immediately forgot about his tirade and forgave the guy who also ruined Michael Mann’s (Heat, Last of the Mohicans) career with his performance in Public Enemies. And this is what the movie Hostiles is all about; facing those who have done you wrong and trying to find it in your heart to forgive them. In Hostiles, writer/director Scott Cooper (Crazy Heart, Black Mass) gives us a Western that is not only beautifully shot but is also reflective and atmospheric. And instead of simply copying some of its genre’s most world renowned classics, he instead uses those films as inspiration to build off of.

In it, Bale plays Captain Joseph J. Blocker, a Union soldier who is visibly worn down and almost defeated after years of war and corralling hostile Native Americans in the Western United States. He has become a legend of sorts for both his acts in the field of battle and for taking down some of the country’s fiercest tribal leaders, one of which happens to be his biggest rival, Chief Yellow Hawk. Hawk has killed and scalped some of Blocker’s closest friends while also brutally murdering anyone he and his tribe considered to be invaders of their land. Now some would argue that they had every right to do so seeing as how this land belonged to them in the first place but for Blocker, political reasons didn’t play a role in his feelings at all. All he witnessed was the death of his friends and the savage murder of innocent women and children. So this is purely personal for him. Well as fate would have it, his final assignment as a member of the U.S. army is to escort Yellow Hawk and his family back to their homeland so that he can die in peace. This is strictly a P.R. move for a country that is facing its fair share of scrutiny for the way it has handled Native Americans in both the taking of their land and the treatment of them after their capture.

Well as you can imagine, the icy relationship that exists between the two almost comes to a head on many occasions but once they run into Rosalie Quaid (Rosamund Pike), a recently widowed woman who had to witness the brutal murder her entire family by an Apache tribe, Blocker is forced to reconsider his view of Hawk. This blood thirsty tribe is still out there and they have proven that they don’t live by an honorable code of any sort; so they will kill anyone who gets in the way of whatever it is that they want. Does Blocker continue to treat Hawk like a dangerous prisoner who can kill him at any moment or can he trust him and his family to help him fight off these wild Apaches?

Now keep in mind what I mentioned earlier, this is not your traditional Western; it takes its time in telling its story and sometimes it simply uses shots of the landscape to help in doing so. There are some killer shootout scenes in it but there are also quite a few moments where the film seemingly creeps its way to a slow halt. Perhaps a better editing team could have helped in this regard but it’s not like you’re watching the four and half hour long Dances with Wolves or the 10 hour long Wyatt Earp; you’re watching a wonderfully told story of love, family, regret, and forgiveness all wrapped in one!

I must admit that it’s refreshing to not see a Western that has Johnny Depp playing the role of an Indian with a stupid dead bird on his head! I mean, seriously, I think he had one too many go rounds with the peyote out there at The Joshua Tree. So once you take into account the fact that Hollywood didn’t force any of its typical racism in this film, you can’t help but give Hostiles a rating of FRESH!

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

As I watched for the first time this week what most would consider to be American classics in Robert Deniro’s Raging Bull and Beyonce’s Lemonade, I wondered to myself, "Would I even like the original Star Wars movies if I was just seeing them for the first time as an adult?" I mean, characters like Han Solo, R2D2, Yoda, and of course Billy Dee Williams (who cares what his character’s name was) will always stand the test of time. But looking back, it took a while for me to like Luke because he was kind of a whiny little bitch in A New Hope. And along those some lines, furry giants like Chewbacca and furry midgets like the Ewoks might have been a little disturbing at first but I would have eventually come around on them as well. But we all know that the first time Darth Vader graced the screen with his cool voice and evil death grip, I would’ve instantly been sold. Sure there’s a ton of cheesiness in these films but there’s a reason why The Godfather is the greatest American trilogy alive and Star Wars is the world’s greatest trilogy; everyone can find something they love and identify with in these films.

Maybe this is why I can’t fully get on board with the last two installments of The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. Rogue One is probably the third best of any of the Star Wars movies because unlike TFA, it actually added something to the franchise while giving a nod to its predecessors, instead of just copying A New Hope’s storyline word for word. The Last Jedi did add quite a bit, most of which I liked, but the flaws in this film are so glaring that they overshadow any good that came out of it.

Now this review is mainly for those who have already seen the film so I won’t spend much time giving you a synopsis of the plot; but for those who haven’t, here’s basically what you’re getting yourself into. The First Order is on the attack after finding out the whereabouts of The Resistance; and for the most part they have them cornered and on the verge of destruction. That is until hot shot Poe Dameron somehow outsmarts them and destroys all of their big guns to help buy The Resistance some time; or so he thinks. The First Order has found a way to track their enemy through light speed, which basically means it’s impossible to escape them. So now The Resistance must find a way to stave them off long enough to regroup and reestablish a potent army.

Everything up until this point I am ok with. I am even ok, for the most part, with the 45 minute subplot that involved Finn and the socially awkward tech/engineer Rose sneaking off to a random planet with the hopes of finding the master code breaker. They need his help to break into and disable The First Order’s revolutionary tracking device to help keep The Resistance alive. Now the problem I do have is not only the fact that this subplot is 45 minutes long but that it shows that we as a society are still stuck in the 1960’s. Forget for a moment that their little adventure wound up being completely pointless, what I’m more concerned with is that it showed that Disney has no spine.

They didn’t back down when the internet lost its collective mind over the fact that there was a Black Stormtrooper but they did cave in when people started complaining that said Black trooper and the movie’s white female lead in Rey were falling for each other. Did they not realize that people in Alabama just got the internet like a year and a half ago? Of course they’re going to troll the message boards! What else are they going to do in between Alabama football games? So what does Disney do after spending the entire first film setting up Rey and Fin? They force another love interest on him because Black and Asian is cool but not Black and White. If only Michael Jackson was alive to see this! I mean, really??? It’s ok for a giant fat lizard like Jabba the Hut to have Leia as a sex slave but a Black guy, well that’s taking it a little too far! Although my buddy did have an awesome take on this when he said "Please! Fin is just happy to get the attention of any girl. Janitors in the First Order get no play!" See, I think he’s wrong, I think Captain Phasma was so sexually frustrated that she would’ve pulled Matt Lauer, locked the door, and made him do a little late night cleaning; if you know what I mean. Now before you start complaining, yes, I totally realize that they could be setting up a love triangle that will work itself out in the third but even if they do, was it really worth almost ruining the second film to force this storyline? The answer is no.

But outside of this, there were bigger issues. I know I said that Luke was kind of a little bitch in A New Hope but you would think that after saving the galaxy and having a universe of groupies at his disposal, he’d put that behind him and finally turn into the man. Even after failing at his attempt to set up a Jedi school, he still had an entire planet to himself that came with his own little minions and fresh milk from the teat of some weird looking animal. Well instead we get more whining about how religious leaders who are in political control allow their hubris to get the best of them and ultimately fail. Thanks for your religious and political views writer/director Rian Johnson but this is a Star Wars film, stick to light sabers and gender confused robots like C-3PO. Luke tried to be cool at the end but instead he went out like a little scrub after Yoda talked shit to him and he used too much of the force. I guess if you use too much of the force, you just disintegrate? At least Obi Wan went out like a straight G! Oh well, that was yet another 25-30 minutes of wasted screen time. Make Luke fresh! At least give the dude one cool light saber scene before he goes away. Instead, they for some reason decide to keep Leia alive by turning her into Superwoman. She’s the only human alive who can fly through space without a spacesuit after being blown up in an explosion. I cannot express how hokey this scene was.

I have a few more issues like Kylo continuing to be a little shouting brat who sucks at using the Force but I’ll stop there. There were some cool parts like the weird connection that existed between Kylo Ren and Rey. The fact that they were able to communicate via the force was a cool little wrinkle and a welcomed addition to the franchise. Also the scene where Rey and Kylo take out Snoke was by far the coolest thing I’ve seen since Spaceballs the Flamethrower! And from a visual standpoint, this film is breathtaking. Every scene on the salt planet was cool with the red residue and the salt jackals or whatever they were. And the weird birdlike animals that befriended Chewbacca were adorable; something that every kid will love. So all wasn’t lost in this film, especially when you consider the fact that there will be a generation of kids who will grow up wanting to be the next Rey or Fin; it’s just too bad they won’t think that a relationship between the two of them is a realistic possibility.

This film probably requires multiple viewings but it’s going to be quite some time before I invest 2 and a half hours again. If only they had that one badass moment that everyone could take away from it like Empire did. "Luke, I am your father!" was something that made up for quite a few issues in that film but sadly, that moment never materialized in Last Jedi and that is why I rate this film as WEAK!
 

Logan Lucky

I know that everyone else loves him but it took me forever to appreciate what the Steven Sodomy was trying to bring to the big screen. I used to call him Sodomy because that’s what it felt like he was doing to me every time I paid money to see one of his pretentious films. His 90’s flick The Limey was nothing but a high school course on philosophy put to film and Traffic felt as though he was trying to recreate one of those awful D.A.R.E. to Keep Kids off Drugs speeches he heard while growing up in the Ronald Raegan era. I seriously almost walked out of the theater when I saw the word traffic pull up in the lower left hand corner of the screen in the film’s opening shot. I mean, can you suck your own d&*^ just a little harder dude?!?! And yes, if you’re counting, that’s two reviews in a row where I’ve quoted someone from this ridiculous administration; and I plan to continue doing so until the Russians hack my computer and make me fight the modern day Drago for my freedom.

But I eventually began to recognize the fact that he was simply trying to bring art back to filmmaking. I don’t always agree with his approach and only about half of his films are any good but I do give him credit for trying. He decided to briefly retire so that he could go sculpt in his dungeon or whatever but once he got tired of sucking the porcelain d&*^ of his own statue (ok, I promise I’ll stop), he decided to make his return to filmmaking by giving us Hillbilly Oceans 11; or as they call it in the film, Oceans 7-11.

Logan Lucky is about this down on their luck family in West Virginia who can’t ever seem to get ahead no matter what they have going for them. The film’s two main stars have noticeable marks of this as Jimmy (Channing Tatum) has a busted knee from a football injury that ended his promising college career and his brother Clyde (Adam Driver) lost half of his arm fighting in the Gulf War and thus rendered him useless in the military. Neither of them seem to be particularly bright but they are geniuses compared to their cohorts, and you’ll see evidence of this as they attempt to pull off this grand heist.

Jimmy is struggling just to make ends meet as he can’t keep a job due to his bum knee and sadly his brother is of no help as he works a dead end job as a bartender in the town’s only bar. Plus it doesn’t help matters that Jimmy has to deal with his temperamental ex-wife and her new rich douchebag husband who have full custody of his daughter, the light of his life. So one day Jimmy gets this brilliant idea to rob the Charlotte Motor Speedway, the Mecca of the South. Millions of dollars flow through there on any given weekend and because Jimmy was working construction beneath the stadium to repair the sink holes that had formed, he was somehow able to luck upon a flaw in their security system. So now all he has to do is find a way to break the town’s explosive expert, Joe Bang (Daniel Craig) out of jail while he also convincing his two idiot brothers to help him in pulling off the impossible heist.

Now as you can imagine you have to fully immerse yourself in the land of Never Never Land to believe that these hillbillies have the mental faculties to pull this off but to Sodomy’s credit there are quite a few mishaps along the way. Plus, it’s always funny to see hicks stumble and bumble over each other even if you can totally tell that it’s just James Bond and little Han-Solo trying to give their best impression of a southern accent. Sodomy’s artistic approach is on full display as he uses odd camera angles and an almost 70’s approach to storytelling to bring this fun crime film to life and in the process give us ordinary folk some hope in these dark times.

We can use some mindless entertainment from time to time and since George Clooney is 70 years old and just had twins, you may as well recruit Channing Tatum to do just that for us. I rate this film as kind of FRESH and suggest that you pop in.

Dunkirk

It took me forever to come to grips with my feelings over Christopher Nolan’s latest offering to the public as he’s had a pretty strong track record over the past two decades. I mean, outside of his ridiculous decision to make Bane sound like Sean Connery on life support in Batman 3, he’s been pretty much on point with his storytelling, his direction, and his ability to move me emotionally. But it’s because he’s been so good at what he does it makes us slow to point out his epic failures whenever we encounter them.

It’s similar to when U2 was on top of the world; when they released War and The Joshua Tree it seemed as if they could do no wrong, that was until records like Zooropa and Pop came around, both of which were clear signs that they had fallen off the whiskey covered throne they had built for themselves. Yet people still flooded to their shows as if their ears hadn’t just been exposed to the Irish equivalent of Gerardo. Rico…Suave! I remember people saying this about that stupid song Stay (Faraway, So Close!) "It’s like, full of emotion and shit" Ok, so I may have made that last part up but I’m sure someone’s stoned uncle probably said that at some point.

The point is, there are ton of people out there who are grasping for straws in an attempt to convince themselves that Dunkirk is actually a good movie. I’ve heard people say things like "Well, you have to pay the $18 to see it in IMAX to truly get crushed physically and emotionally" or "You know what, Harry Styles wasn’t all that bad in it! He wasn’t distracting at all!" Ok, the mere fact that some terrible Brit pop star didn’t distract you from the story should tell you all you need to know about the quality of said story, especially considering the fact that he had the majority of the lines. I love Bobby Brown but the fact that I didn’t think he was the most ridiculous thing I saw on screen during Ghostbusters 2 let me know that it was probably time to put that franchise to bed.

Now don’t get me wrong, technically Dunkirk is a brilliant film as the sound, the always present but minimalist approach to the score, and the actual filming are all on point; and I’m certain that if I paid $18 to see it in true IMAX I’d be even more impressed. That however won’t make me care about anything that’s happening to the people on screen. You never really get to know anyone’s name, outside of some scrubby kid who gets punked after being on screen for like 5 minutes, and everyone seemingly only cares about themselves. And yes, I’m well aware of the fact that this is by design to show that war doesn’t really care who you are when it comes to deciding who suffers or dies. And yes, I get that when your survival instincts kick in, you naturally do whatever it takes to live (the creepy old lady in Minority report taught me that with her weird, biting plants). But if this is a story about scrubs on a beach getting rescued then you should set it up to where you actually care about the scrubs who are being rescued.

The film’s climax fell unbelievably flat mainly because the only character you could find any type of connection with was the shell shocked, desperate, and stranded soldier played by Cillian Murphy. Maybe as an American I’ve been brainwashed by all of our war propaganda films but it seems to me that if you have 40,000 soldiers on the coast of France and Germany is coming for you, you’d be able to come up with some sort of strategy to at least fight back! Yes, Germany had tanks and artillery, and all the British and French soldiers had available to them were rifles, but haven’t these people ever read the Bible or watched the movie Braveheart? There wasn’t one British general who was smarter than freaking William Wallace?

Hell, at the least come up with something better than just duck and cover when planes are dropping bombs on you. You have thousands of rifles, you couldn’t all simultaneously shoot at the plane? It may not have blown it up but it would have at least slowed it down a bit. Just do something! Man the f%&* up and fight! And you wonder why America won its independence and stole Louisiana from you!

Now was this movie all bad? No. The dogfighting scenes were cool and seemingly more realistic than anything we saw in the terrible but awesome The Last Starfighter. And the claustrophobic scene in the grounded boat where they are hiding from Germans who are using the boat for target practice was cool but 20 minutes does not make a movie. In the end, I guess it’s ok that Nolan wasn’t able to deliver on this film as he’s still batting .900 but let’s just admit that this movie sucks and move on with our lives. I give Dunkirk a rating of WEAK!

Atomic Blonde

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, "This day calls for some Lil Kim!" She was as raw and as filthy as they come on the mic and she didn’t care what anyone thought about it either! She wasn’t particularly attractive but the way she talked about sex made you want to give up your bonus money for just a taste test of what she had to offer. But the last time we really heard from Kim was about 15 years ago. I wonder what she’s up to these days. Is she still rapping or is she simply a stay at home mom now? And if she is, does she have kids? Can you imagine them coming across one of her old albums or videos? How can you look at your mom the same again after hearing her say "Sucking on your dick was like sucking a roach! I went from first class to coach!" Um…mom?!?! Or who knows, maybe they dig it. I can totally hear Kim saying "I know you hear me on Pandora radio. I know you saw my old school sex video" And her kids replying with "Truuuuueee!"

Ok, so I realize that only fans of 90’s hip hop will get those jokes but the point is, there still happens to be a 40 year old out there in the public eye who hasn’t lost her sexiness or her talent and she still produces art that her children (if she has any) can be proud of, and that’s Charlize Theron. She rose above being type cast as the pretty blonde white girl in films like 2 Days in the Valley and Reindeer Games and made her mark in Hollywood by starring in dramas like The Cider House Rules and Monster. But thankfully for action fans like me, she finally found her true calling in films like Aeon Flux, Prometheus, and Mad Max: Fury Road; so naturally she was the perfect choice to star in John Wick 3 aka Atomic Blonde.

The same guy who helped make John Wick 1 is the very one who brings us this perfect mix of Wonder Woman, James Bond, and Jason Bourne. And in it Theron plays undercover MI6 agent Lorraine Broughton who is called into Cold War Germany to not only investigate the murder of a fellow agent but to also recover a secret document that contains the code names of every undercover agent who is currently in enemy territory. Obviously if this list gets out in the wrong hands, this can be bad news for everyone involved.

Now I get that on the surface this sounds like every other secret agent film you’ve seen before and the fact that it includes a supermodel in Theron as the main tough guy so to speak, makes you think that you’ll have to completely suspend reality to enjoy it, but that’s simply not the case. Unlike the stellar John Wick films that preceded it, this film relies just as much on the plot and character development as it does the brutal action itself. Theron literally can’t trust anyone as the contact she’s been paired up to work with, David Percival (played wonderfully by James McAvoy) clearly has his own agenda. He’s either an agent who has been undercover for so long that he’s lost his way or he’s a double agent who may be involved in stealing the list himself. Either way, she has to stay on her toes to keep from ending up in the dirty rivers of Berlin like her fellow agent before her. And then of course there’s her having to work around the fact that Germany is spilt by the Berlin Wall and the rising political tension that accompanies that. Will she be shot by the corrupt Russians or will she be arrested by the suspicious German police? And I haven’t even mentioned the beautiful French agent, Delphine LaSalle (The Mummy’s Sofia Boutella) who is following Theron around and attempting to seduce her. And yes, this does lead to one of the best surprise sex scenes on record. I nearly stood up in the theater and started applauding when this happened!

Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the 80’s music in it is unbelievable. Now I realize that a lot of the Oh Mickey You’re So Fine pop music sucked, as did the majority of the Rock n Roll hair bands that were around during that time, but we can’t let that overshadow all of the amazing music that came from that era. There was The Cure’s Just Like Heaven, Falco’s Der Kommissar, Til Tuesday’s Voices Carry and I haven’t even gotten to Duran Duran, Bowie, Echo & the Bunnymen, or Depeche Mode, all of whose songs were prominently featured in this film. And I don’t mean that they were just playing for nostalgia purposes, I mean that they were actually an integral part of the story. Much like in the movie Baby Driver, all of the characters were listening to or singing the songs that were featured and they matched up to the situation that was playing out in the film. Now this could have been unbelievably cheesy but thankfully director David Leitch knows what he’s doing. It added yet another cool element to the story and really took you back to the general sense of unease that everyone in the world was feeling at the time as it felt as though we were on the brink of another World War.

And last but certainly not least was the incredible action. I went in thinking that this film would either feature over the top action scenes that involved Theron effortlessly knocking out men who were 100 lbs. or more heavier than her or would involve so much shaky cam that you couldn’t really see what was happening on screen anyway. Well I’m happy to say that neither of these was the case. Did Theron take out some fairly big dudes? Yes, but it almost killed her to do so and she had to utilize some Jason Bourne tactics to do so, such as using normal every day household items like water hoses or car keys to take dudes out. The water hose scene is one for the ages by the way. But it was nothing compared to the 20 minute single shot action scene where Theron has to take out an entire gang of bad guys while protecting her only remaining asset. This absolutely floored me and I can honestly say that I haven’t seen anything like this since the classic Korean film, Old Boy.

Do yourself a favor and go see a female with brains kick some serious ass! I rate this movie as unbelievably FRESH!