Sunday, July 1, 2018

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

I realize that the vast majority of the people who come across this review will have never even heard of the movie The Crow, much less have seen it, but you should know that that film is basically The Godfather to quite a few goth kids (I should say goth parents at this point) out there. It was a dark superhero film that allowed everyone who has ever felt as though they were an outsider to live vicariously through Eric Draven as he exacted revenge on those who took everything from him. You cheered every time he took out an adrenaline seeking conformer and rocked out while doing so because this film also had a killer grunge and industrial soundtrack, music that was considered to be weird in a Country Music loving society. Tim McGraw and George Strait were really big back then.

It didn’t take long for this movie to become a cult hit and when that happened the studio decided to try and cash in on our pain. What sucked is that the film’s main star Brandon Lee died tragically during the filming of this classic so the studio had to scramble to find a way to make a sequel. So they decided to move the story to Los Angeles and just painted some white looking Hispanic dude’s face even whiter and tried to push that off to us as a cool continuation of the story. They even brought in Bush and Hole to add some sexiness to the screen. Those are bands that were on the soundtrack by the way, not my adolescent way of saying there were some cool sex scenes in it; although if this blog has proven anything it’s that I’m certainly not above doing that.

The point of all of this is that Hollywood didn’t learn its lesson when this film flopped, they proceeded to make two more awful sequels that were hated by both the diehard and the casual fan. And believe it or not, they still plan to reboot it with Jason Mamoa in the next year or two. Will someone please tell those greedy bloodsuckers to let it go and just let us have that one moment in time? Well the sad thing is, The Crow wasn’t the only childhood memory that Hollywood stepped on, they’ve also been killing the memories of every science and anthropology nerd out there by releasing terrible sequels to Steven Spielberg’s classic film Jurassic Park. I, like every other kid, grew up with this fascination of dinosaurs and never believed that we’d ever get to see them outside of a museum. That is until Spielberg brought to life every kids dream, an amusement park where you could actually see live dinosaurs doing dinosaur things in their natural habitat. We sat in awe and then terror as the Velociraptors and the T-Rex wreaked havoc on everything that got in their way, and we simply couldn’t get enough of it.

So even though we knew the sequel was probably going to be terrible, we all lined up to see The Lost World, and guess what, we were right! Now you would think that Hollywood would have learned its lesson but we all know how this story ended, they came out with a part three that no one saw and they had no choice but to finally put Jurassic Park to bed. That is until Chris Pratt and Colin Trevorrow came along and gave us Jurassic World, a silly movie that we wound up putting up with for nostalgia purposes only. Anyone with a half a brain knew the movie wasn’t that good (pretty sure I gave it a rating of Fresh but I was drinking a lot back then) but it was something to take your kids or nieces and nephew to see. And even though it was both fun and ridiculous, we were all hoping that there wouldn’t be a sequel.

Well here we are, talking about Fallen Kingdom; a film where Trevorrow reached out to a 13 year old intern to write the story for. In it, the island that hosted the killer dinosaurs is on the verge of destruction due to an explosive volcano that’s about to erupt. So one of the co-creators of the original park, James Lockwood, has his assistant and apparent heir, Eli reach out to Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) and Owen (Chris Pratt) to help rein in as many of the dinosaurs as they can so they can save them from extinction. There is a party of hunters on the island that have already captured a few of the dinosaurs but they cannot reach the most difficult species, the Velociraptor; and more specifically Blue, Owen’s pet project and the smartest of them all. Owen reluctantly agrees to go along but once he does he immediately realizes that this mission isn’t what it was presented to be. Eli has basically hired poachers to come in and steal the most dangerous dinosaurs so that he can turn around and sell them on the Black Market to be used as weapons. There’s even an underground auction that takes place with some of the world’s worst human beings in attendance. Well as you can imagine things go south and everyone involved has to fight for their lives.

Now just like the new Burger King Beer Burger that recently came out, on the surface it doesn’t look or sound that bad but the second you bite into it, you immediately become sick and cannot believe that you’ve wasted your money. Damn that creepy king! The underground auction is as stupid and as cheesy as you imagine it would be simply because it’s a bunch of old white and Japanese men in suits sweating and salivating over these dinosaurs as if they were 18 year old strippers who had just been sex trafficked into their creepy lairs. And for some reason they portray anyone who’s young as an annoying Millennial who cannot stand to be outside and is afraid of absolutely everything. It’s as if my grandfather was brought in to be a consultant for that piece of the film. Every joke is lame and falls completely flat and the action scenes are so derivative, it honestly feels as though you’re watching The Lost World again. There’s nothing remotely original or engaging in this film with the exception of the unintentional comedy that’s provided every time they try and add drama to the story. I literally broke out laughing every time a dinosaur climbed to the top of a house or ran through a cage to the backdrop of an operatic crescendo. It was as if I was watching Van Helsing with dinosaurs. But that sadly wasn’t enough to make me feel as though I got my money’s worth.

I strongly suggest avoiding this film at all costs as I give it a rating of unbelievably WEAK!
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