Sunday, June 18, 2017

All Eyez on Me

For the longest time I had the biggest crush on Brittany Murphy from the movie Clueless. While everyone else was focused on Alicia Silverstone, my eyes were squarely set on Brit, as you couldn’t help but tell that she had this slightly dark and dirty side to her. And while she wasn’t the greatest actress to ever grace the big screen, you could certainly tell that she brought her life’s experiences to each and every one of her performances. I recently brought this up to one of my friends at a brewery the other day and I ended my monologue with "Man, gone too soon." And he replied "Or gone at just the right time!" While his cold, callous, and yet hilarious response to my outpouring of emotions hit me right in the heart, I must admit that he was probably right.

Well there’s one artist whose life was taken away from us far too soon and that was that of Tupac Shakur’s. Growing up in a terrible, small country town in south Texas, I only had so many outlets available to me to help me escape my misery; and Tupac was definitely the one tortured soul I identified with the most. No I didn’t grow up in the Black Panther movement, nor did I grow up in the hood with a mother who was hooked on crack; but I did grow up in an environment that couldn’t possibly let me become the man that I knew I had inside of me.

Tupac was an intelligent visionary who used his platform to tell the stories that no one wanted to hear at that time. He was the centerpiece of what was a major turning point for the genre of hip hop. While it was always big in the black community, mainstream audiences started to take notice the second this charismatic actor, poet, and young rapper started appearing everywhere. You couldn’t help be glued to the screen whenever he opened his mouth because he always had something important to say. Now I know there are those out there who only really know California Love and How Do You Want It and it’s those people who think he was only about bitches and money. But they need to do a deeper dive into his discography to really get a sense of what he was all about. I mean, there’s a reason why the Vice President of the United States (Dan Quayle) basically declared war on him in the media when he condemned his records.

Pac was an unbelievably complicated person and what he was able to accomplish in only 25 years on this Earth is unheard of. That’s why it’s impossible to tell his story in just over two hours. I mean Jim Morrison was really only around for 4 years yet it took a 3 hour movie to tell his story. Now I’m not saying they should’ve made a 4 hour biopic on Tupac (although I would’ve been down with that), I’m just saying, either do that or simply focus on one part of his life when attempting to tell his story. And that’s why this film failed for the most part.

You can’t leave it up to Benny Boom to direct a film about the most important figure in hip hop’s life. This is the same guy who directed freaking Next Day Air! Next Day Air?!?! What, were Cheech and Chong too busy? Go wake up one of the Hughes Brothers to make this film. Or hell, why not get Ernest Dickerson to write and direct it! He actually knew Tupac and was a part of one of the most iconic moments in cinema; he directed the scene were Pac officially goes insane in the underground classic Juice. That moment alone took him from being an obscure rapper from Oakland to a legend in the eyes of every young black person in America. Everyone knew who Bishop was. So getting Dickerson could have been a slam dunk for everyone involved as he is still producing good work today by being a part of shows like The Wire, Bosch, Treme, Dexter, and The Walking Dead. But no, why not go get stupid Benny Boom instead!

Well Boom makes the fatal mistake of attempting to cram Tupac’s story in 2 hours and in the process rushes through some of the most important aspects of his life. His growing up around the Black Panther movement is full of overacting, melodrama, and terrible acting by child actors. It completely takes you out of the film and you feel as though you’re watching a bad television show on the CW network. Thankfully Demetrius Shipp Jr., the man who was cast to try and pull off the impossible task of embodying Tupac, comes on screen soon after this; and I have to say that for the most part he does an admiral job. It’s just that Boom once again screws up and gives a half ass effort when it comes to portraying Tupac’s musical performances on screen. Seriously, it felt as though he realized he was fucking it up and just quit mid performance. I’m not joking by the way, the scene would be halfway into a verse of Brenda’s Got a Baby or I Get Around and they’d just simply cut away to another shot. Shouldn’t the producers have realized they made a mistake at the point, fired Boom, and brought in someone to try and save their investment?

Oh well, it wasn’t all bad; the second they decided to put their focus on his early relationship with Biggie and the time his album Strictly for my N.I.G.G.A.Z. came out, they actually slowed their storytelling down a bit and it actually felt like a real film. Some of the most interesting parts were the behind the scenes looks into the incidents that led to his many court appearances and ultimately his incarceration. There you saw the direct fallout from Dan Quayle’s press conference and how those in power changed their view of him. This however was effective mainly due to the story itself and Shipp’s delivering on what was handed to him because the awful Boom once again reared his ugly head by not being able to draw even more out of these scenes.

Now I honestly could write a 5,000 word review on this film but no one would ever read it; so I’ll just end this by saying, if you’re a Tupac fan, go see this film as you’ll be reminded of just how awesome and impactful his music was and how much of important figure he was in our history. This film doesn’t come close to doing him justice but it’s certainly not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I just wish that Tupac was still alive today so that he could’ve had some input to help give a more accurate portrayal of his life; similar to what Ice Cube and Dr. Dre were able to do in Straight Outta Compton. But sadly, we were stuck with scrubs giving their take on this rapping legend. Overall I give All Eyez on Me a rating of kind of WEAK but it’s Tupac, so go out and see it.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

The Mummy

Why is it that the very second men turn 40 years old, they either have a midlife crisis and start banging the nanny (see Ben Affleck) or they simply give up and turn into a fat blob (see Russell Crowe)? You would think that by being a star and having their pick of the litter, they could find someone worthwhile who could keep their attention until death does them part. Or since they don’t have real jobs, they could have their private chefs cook them some healthy meals and find 20 minutes out of the day to trip over a treadmill every now and then. But no, as it turns out, we are all the same. We are only as loyal as the options that are before us. If we have hundreds of perky 20 year old girls throwing themselves at us, we can’t help but slip into some HPV free strange even if it means destroying a perfectly good marriage. If we have a bottle of Jameson and a Fatburger sitting next to La Croix and a tuna wrap, we’re probably grabbing the Jamey and burger and running off to a dark corner somewhere so we don’t have to share it with anyone! That’s just who we are! It’s only a matter of time before Justin Timberlake cheats on Jessica Biel again when he and the rest of N’Sync go out on their Back to Basics tour. But don’t worry Jessica baby, you still have a fan here.

Well the alien Tom Cruise appears to be the one exception to this rule. This dude is 54 years old and still looks like he could be a professional soccer player in Europe somewhere (he’s way too short to play any American sports). I mean, sure it’s a bit of a stretch to see him as a young decorated soldier in the U.S. army but it’s not like you’re watching a 60 year old Roger Moore trying to play James Bond. That happened in real life by the way. Cruise has the acting chops, even though he never gets credit for it, to pull off almost any role. However the one role he does struggle with is one that requires comedic prowess. Yes, he got lucky in Tropic Thunder but overall he’s just a little too weird to make you believe that he’s actually funny. And this is where The Mummy fails.

We all remember how fun the Brenden Frazier films were in the 90’s but Frazier was the one weirdo, along with Pee Wee Herman, who was somehow able to pull off comedy. So why in the world they would try and recreate that magic with Cruise is beyond me! It seems as though the filmmakers tried to pull this off by teaming Cruise up with the normally entertaining Jake Johnson. But boy did that ever fall flat! Johnson was simply reduced to yelling at the top his lungs every time Cruise said something and in the process just wound up annoying you and instantly taking you out of the film. Keep in mind now that all of this takes place within the first 5 minutes of the movie and that’s typically a recipe for disaster.

Well thankfully they figure out early on that this pairing is not working at all and they slowly start to shift towards turning this into an action horror film. And for the most part it worked. You’re introduced to the ambitious to a fault Princess Ahmanet; played by the beautiful and talented Sofia Boutella. She was to be the heir to her father’s throne until one day he meets a skanky groupie, knocks her up, and has a son with her. Ahmanet is obviously distraught over this and decides to turn to the dark arts to get her revenge. Well in the process, she kills her father and her newborn stepbrother. And just as she’s about to bring this evil god back into the world to be her partner in crime and in life, these muscular Egyptian men come out of nowhere and stop her just in the nick of time. They wind up mummifying her while she’s still alive to punish her and it isn’t until the year 2017 that we discover her tomb.

Well once she’s unwittingly awaken by the opportunistic, greedy, and apparently selfish Cruise, she curses and chooses him to be the carrier of the god she tried to resurrect in her past life. And it’s at this point the film takes on a yet another weird persona; one that I particularly liked. There’s some odd but cool connection that develops between the two of them and Cruise must decide between his fate with Ahmanet or the burgeoning relationship that’s forming between him and the archaeologist Jenny Halsey.

Now if they had simply stuck to this storyline, the film could’ve been solid. But some reason they kept bringing back Jake Johnson to seemingly add some comic relief. And they also tried to incorporate a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde subplot, which again, could’ve been cool if executed properly. But no, they instead decided to cast the 400 lbs. and clearly uninterested in acting anymore Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll; and they also apparently ran out of money when it came to effects, so whenever he turned into Mr. Hyde, they just painted him green and he started grunting really loudly.

But even after that epic failure, it was still a fairly entertaining film until the ending that made absolutely no sense. I mean sure she was evil but why on Earth would you choose Jenny over Ahmanet? Damn that girl is sexy! It’s like Vin Diesel choosing Michelle Rodriguez over Charlize Theron or the hot Brazilian woman who became his baby momma. Even after giving her dumb looking cornrows, it doesn’t make any sense. And don’t worry, I didn’t give away what really happened at the end because trust me when I say it gets wilder than that!

In the end this films was simply way too flawed for me to recommend it to anyone, but I think it’s definitely worth a watch on Netflix in a few weeks. I give it a rating of pretty WEAK!

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Regardless of how much of it he’s had in his lifetime, strange can sure make a good man do some odd things! Now clearly the word strange is a euphemism for something else, so if you don’t know what it is, feel free to go urban dictionary it. But just know that at one point strange had me eating beets and reading terrible Dan Brown novels, and at another point even had me flying halfway across the globe after it left me for another dude! Now that’s some true power right there! So it should come as no surprise that it can also kill a man’s career; just look at Guy Ritchie for example. When he first popped on the scene, he was making cool London based gangster films like Lock Stock and Snatch; but the second he met Madonna, it was all over for him! The next thing you know, he’s making one of the lowest rated films of all time while simultaneously convincing Jason Statham to put in hair extensions so that he could look like one of the rejects from Coldplay. Now that’s a clear sign that the Material Girl really knows how to work that gap in her teeth!

Well somehow, Ritchie caught lightning in a bottle when he made Sherlock Holmes and in the process revived his career, only to instantly ruin it again with Sherlock Holmes 2. But as is always the case in Hollywood, if you somehow stumble and bumble your way to a $300 million dollar film, they will constantly give you chance after chance to recreate that magic. Just look at Mel Gibson, the guy openly insulted every powerful man in Hollywood without ever apologizing for it, yet he somehow still makes films and gets to appear in front of a worldwide audience with his 23 year old hooker at the Oscars. Did you see the look on that poor girls face whenever the camera panned in on her? I swear you could see a thought bubble pop over her head with a caption that read "Man, I really hope my dealer Charlie picks up tonight! I don’t think two Xanax is going to cut it after all. Melly’s already on his second bottle and his third Viagra and it’s not even 9 o’clock yet!"

So in his latest effort to stay relevant, Ritchie decided to take his shot at telling the legendary tale of King Arthur. And in doing so, I guess he realized what I did when he first started the project; that remarkably, no one has ever been able to properly produce a decent Excalibur film even with all of the advanced technology we have available to us today. So what does he decide to do? Well he decides to try and turn it into a London based gangster film of course! But hey, you can’t knock a man for sticking to his guns.

Now I’m not going to insult your intelligence by summarizing the tale of King Arthur because even the dumbest hick out there knows that he was the only one who could pull the legendary sword out of the stone; making him the rightful ruler of Great Britain. But what makes this film so different is that it only briefly mentions Merlin the wizard and instead decides to put more of its focus on the other mystical creatures (Mages) and their powers; which could have led to some unbelievably fresh scenes but I’ll speak more about that here in a bit.

And while Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) has excellent fighting skills and a tough guy attitude, all of which he picked up from being raised in a brothel, which for some reason had its own version of Mr. Miyagi in it; he still must learn how to control the power of Excalibur if he is ever to overcome the rule of the evil and power hungry Vortigen (Jude Law).

So they ship the ornery Arthur off to the black island (or whatever they called it) to hone in his skills against some of the oddest and most aggressive creatures the world has ever known. And while there, you see him have to utilize every skill he’s ever learned just to simply survive the night. But what makes this portion of the film so unique is the fact that it seemed as though they took the darkest parts on The Neverending Story and The Princess Bride and somehow made them even creepier. Now what sucks about this is that it only lasted for about 5 minutes! Ritchie could have easily dedicated the entire second act to this storyline but instead chose to cut it short so he could dedicate even more time to his snappy and over stylized flashback and flash forward scenes; a staple of his really when you think about it.

Now I will give him credit for absolutely nailing the montage of Arthur’s upbringing as that may have been some of the coolest filmmaking I’ve ever seen him do, but just as he did in Holmes 2, he relied on it way too much and it became stale as the film wore on. And don’t even get me started on the lame CGI battle at the end.

Ritchie clearly has talent and it’s slowly starting to resurface, I would just simply suggest to him that he sticks to banging Dutch hookers over washed up superstars like Madonna like every other London bloke out there and he will once again be on top of the film making world. I give Arthur a rating of kind of WEAK.

Wonder Woman

For years now, I have been way more excited to see the latest DC comic book movies that have been coming out than I have the Marvel offerings simply because of the fact that with Marvel you continually get the same formula over and over again. I mean, I get why they do it, it’s safe and it’s guaranteed to make a billion dollars; but the fact that they already have a strong following should encourage them to take more chances with these classic comics(Logan and Deadpool being the obvious exceptions but they weren’t expecting much from Deadpool anyway). But unfortunately, they simply refuse to do so! It’s sad but the majority of movie goers and film critics out there continue to run out and spends tons of money to see these uninspired pieces of drivel while gushing over the mediocre product they just spent 2 hours of their lives to see. It’s similar to the clowns who go out and buy the latest version of John Madden football every year they release an update. "But this year you get to control what the cheerleaders wear at away games! " Come on man, those video game girls are never going to turn into a real life Jessica Rabbit. So just pop in your Plenty of Fish app, turn the lights down super low when Bettina eventually comes over, and save yourself $65.

Ok, so now that I’ve lost 90% of my target audience, let me just say that the DC movies that have been coming out are complete trash themselves; but I at least give them credit for trying something different. For some reason people didn’t like Batman vs Superman even though Christopher Nolan had his fingertips all over it. You remember him don’t you? He’s the guy that brought you The Dark Knight. Now I get that there’s a lot of CGI at the end B vs S but that film was dark as hell and the actors in it were actually trying; versus that of just being overly embarrassed by the fact they signed on for yet another one of these films (see Robert Downey Jr. in any post Avengers 1 movie). I also recognize the fact that The Green Lantern, Man of Steel, and Suicide Squad were all terrible but at least Squad tried to think outside of the box by giving The Joker a pinky ring and dressed up Common as a real rapper when they tried to make him look like The Game.

So it should come as no surprise that DC Comics were the ones who decided to make the first superhero movie that featured a female lead since Supergirl came out in the late 80’s; and even then they still called her a girl and not a woman. Now cinema has had strong female leads or co-stars in action movies since then, there was Sigourney Weaver in the first Alien movies and of course there was Trinity in The Matrix films but they were both either injected with way too much testosterone to truly be believable or they went to the George Lucas School of Wooden Acting. Well in Wonder Woman, they decide to let Diana experience life through the eyes of an actual woman who has estrogen flowing through her veins but also just happens to have the ability to kick some major ass! Who would’ve ever thought that was even possible?!? Hollywood can be so slow to the game at times.

Now the first act of the film moves rather slowly as they spend the majority of the time explaining the battle between Greek gods Zeus and his evil son Ares. Apparently Ares hated the humans his father created and wanted them all destroyed. So Zeus decided to create a secret weapon that he hid in the land of Amazonia to destroy Ares whenever the time came for us to have defend ourselves against his destructive powers. And this is where we are introduced to Diana and her fellow Amazonian warriors. It is here that we see Diana learn how to fight and utilize her unique skills under the tutelage of some pretty badass women and eventually grow up to become the Wonder Woman we all know and love.

And it isn’t until we see her rescue Captain Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) from a wreckage that she’s finally introduced to the humanity she was built to defend. From that point on, she moves about London as this beautiful and na├»ve girl who is finally learning about the world and its weird and wicked ways. It’s actually kind of annoying to a point because it feels as though she’s being reduced to the role that every woman is in Hollywood, a damsel in distress that needs the guidance of some man to simply survive.

But once they finally reach the war front and she sees how lost and distant humanity is when it comes to helping one another, that she turns into a Black woman and basically says "Aw hell naw! Y’all can keep going if you want to but I’m about to go kick some ass!" And that’s when the Wonder Woman music kicks in and we get what we all paid to see! I have to be honest that I was a little concerned over how the director of Monster and a few episodes of Entourage, Patty Jenkins, would handle an action film; but I have to say that for the most part I was pleasantly surprised!

When Wonder Woman flew and crashed into a building where a German sniper was wreaking havoc from, I almost stood up in the middle of the theater and cheered! Some of the action in that scene reminded me of The Matrix and when it comes to action these days, that’s not a bad film to mimic. It was at this point that I believe the movie found a healthy balance between making her an awesome superhero and yet somehow keeping her very much a woman who was discovering so many things about her new world. And that’s what made this film so unique. Yes, DC finally caved in a little to sticking to the Marvel formula of making superhero films but they still found a way to make it their own baby. And that’s all I’m asking for, just a little originality.

And it’s because of this originality, that I give Wonder Woman a rating of very FRESH!

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Alien: Covenant

This week we lost yet another talented voice in the world of Rock n Roll when Chris Cornell decided to take his own life while on tour with his band Soundgarden. And if you’re keeping tabs, that now gets us even closer to seeing the entire Grunge genre being wiped off the face of the Earth as he has now joins fellow troubled front men Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, and Scott Weiland in the afterworld; three talented musicians who all decided that they could no longer handle the 357 days of overcast skies in the rainy Seattle. Hell, I only spent 48 hours in rainy Portland myself and already I was itching to pop into the local weed shops just so I could find a way to cope! And we all know that it was just a matter of time after that before I started sucking dick for heroin; I mean that’s just how it goes in the Pacific Northwest!

Now I don’t mean to make fun of depression or fatal drug abuse by any means as it’s clearly sad that none of these poor souls were able to find the help they needed for themselves so they could be there for their families. I guess I’m just wondering why they had to go and scrubby peeps like Eddie Vedder and Gavin Rossdale are still here. Did Rossdale make a deal with the devil while playing one of his henchmen in Constantine? "Finger licking good!" Or does the devil simply get enjoyment from forcing us to watch Vedder’s awful acting performance in the movie Singles? I guess we’ll never know.

But maybe director Ridley Scott is thinking the same thing after losing his brother Tony at such an early age. Why is Tony gone but pieces of complete waste like Michael Bay and Lars von Trier are still here? Well I guess some good did come out of it as Ridley has apparently decided to dedicate the rest of his days on this Earth to providing us with sequels and prequels to his game changing Sci-Fi flick Alien.

Now there is a lot of hatred out there for his first effort in Prometheus; although I cannot understand why as it included all of the essential elements of a classic Alien film. It had of course an alien, a strong female lead, a robot, and annoying characters, all of whom you wanted to see die a horrible death. Well Covenant has more of the same in it but in addition to that, it has Michael Fassbander in an expanded role. Fassbender’s character and his performance in this film, are what help make Covenant one of the best films Ridley has made in the last two decades.

I won’t give anything away but just know that human stupidity is what ultimately leads to this space crew’s tragic demise. Ten years after Noomi Rapace saves Earth from being destroyed by the hands of the giant and grumpy engineers, a group is sent out on a colonization expedition with the hopes of finding another planet that can sustain human life. Well after randomly running into solar flares that cause damage to the ship, the crew is awakened early to help get the ship fixed and put back on track. But as they do, they hear a distress signal from a nearby planet that sounds like a human singing a John Denver song. Now why anyone who is flying anything would hear the voice of John Denver and decide to head towards it is beyond me. That’s like hearing the voice of Magic Johnson or Charlie Sheen just before you bang a stripper, you just have to know how it’s going to end.

But they decide to put the lives of 2000 people who are stuck in cryo-sleep at risk and head towards it anyway, mainly because they didn’t feel like getting back into their sleep pods. Well, as I’m sure you can imagine, the second they land on this strange planet, horrible things start to happen and aliens appear out of nowhere. Now to this point, it sounds just like every other Alien film you’ve seen, but again the difference between what you’ve seen in the past and Ridley’s latest, is Fassbender. He brings such a dark and evil edge to this film that I couldn’t believe what I was experiencing. It almost made me feel guilty for liking it. Again I can’t go into details without ruining it but just know that you will rarely see a performance of this caliber in a Sci-Fi film; especially one that has Kenny Powers in it.

So having said all of that, if you still have any reservations at all about seeing this film, don’t! Every part of the intricate plot is well thought out and the action scenes are off the charts. As a matter of fact, it’s the perfect blend of science fiction and action. And it’s because of this that I give it a rating of very FRESH!

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy Volume Two

For someone who has little to no desire to have children of his own, I have a serious soft spot for movies that feature a strong father/son relationship. Maybe that explains why I watched that terrible Kevin Costner film A Perfect World a million times when I was growing up; I think a small part of me wants to be an old man who wears tight white tees, drinks beer, and just talks shit all day! Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that bad after all as it was directed by Clint Eastwood before he became senile and started talking to empty chairs on stage. Oh, and let us not forget that it also had Laura Dern rocking loose fit Dockers slacks before middle aged white Republican men started to pick up on the trend. Yes, that’s right, Tucker Carlson and Bill O’Reilly secretly want to be gangly white girls who probably played woodwind instruments in high school and got rejected by Jim Carrey right after he blew up in Hollywood. Jim Carrey?!?! Come on Laura, you’re better than that; there’s plenty of overweight Black dudes out there who would be all over you. Maybe that’s yet another reason why Tucker wants to be her, but back to my love of these films.

Now I know in part why I can’t stay away from these movies but that’s way too deep for me to get into right now, especially for a silly little blog like this. Just know that it led to me crying in the theater for the first time ever in Boyz in da Hood after Ricky got shot in an alley and it also caused me to cry after G-baby died in Hardball. Damn you Keanu, who knew that you had the power in you! Well one would think that given my history, a father/son reunion in the new Guardians would be a sure fire hit in my eyes! Well, think again as my eyes definitely weren’t watering up but were instead rolling during the majority of this boring wasteland of a film.

Now I know that all of the Marvel freaks out there will be up in arms after reading this but it’s time to face reality folks. I absolutely loved the first Guardians film but sadly I didn’t remember a single thing from it! And it has nothing to do with my age and the fact that old people forget where their car keys are on a daily basis, it has to do with the fact that all Marvel films are completely forgettable. I remember everything that happened in the Bourne trilogy, the Star Wars trilogy, and even the Weekend at Bernie’s trilogy. Ok, so I really only remember the first one and I’m not too sure there was a third one but the fact remains that I remember more about a movie that centered around a dead and bloated corpse with a mustache and shades that hosted parties on the beach than I do any of these beloved superhero films!

So all of the cheesy themes of the importance of family, forgiveness, and connecting were lost on me mainly because I had no idea who any of these characters were! And even if I did it wouldn’t have made that big of a difference as it felt like they recruited Minority Report Spielberg (not Schindler’s List Berg) to write this story. Everything in the plot was as predictable as a prom night with a booked hotel is; you’re just patiently wading your way through all of the formalities for what you hope will be an incredible ending to the night. Well much like prom, the end finally did come, and while it was ok, it didn’t quite live up to your expectations! Dammit, I knew she was wearing a wonder bra!

I guess my main problem is that this Guardians was targeting more of the younger (8-14 year olds) demographic than it was the older nerds who grew up on it. Which I get as it’s a comic book film. But that’s what Spiderman and Superman films are for; you expect some story about a teenager who lives with his parents or some grown ass man who wears spandex and a cape to have plotlines that revolve around taking care of your old grandmother or stopping other grown ass men in spandex from taking over the world. But if your main characters are wise cracking rejects of society, you expect a slightly more complicated plot. Or at the very least, some cool action with awesome one liners! None of that was in this film. The only cool thing I remember were the snooty and beautiful gold people and the Howard the Duck cameo.

Now had Howard mowed down an entire brothel full of aliens then this movie might have been tight, but sadly, old Spielberg didn’t write that in. But apparently an old Spielberg chose all of the music for this film. Part of what was supposed to make Guardians so cool was the nostalgia of the mixtape but I don't remember any of my mixtapes having such shitty music! I know that the early 80's was a period of transition musically but there had to be something other than K-Lite jams for them to choose from. It's like they raided the album collection of Mark Ruffalo and made it their soundtrack! Here's a tip Marvel, next time, don't look to the lamest white person to have ever lived for your music choices.

I don’t know, in the end, it’s a Marvel film, so you’re probably going to see it anyway, if you haven’t already. But just know going in that it’s going to be mediocre at best. But who knows, maybe your kids will like it, and as a parent, that’s all you can really ask for I guess. Guardians gets a rating of WEAK!

Sunday, April 30, 2017


Life would be so much easier for me if the world wasn’t so damn good at marketing! Take the dating app Bumble for instance; I swear that every woman out there below the age of 35 is a professional photographer. They know how to work every angle, use every filter, and maximize whatever lighting is available to make themselves look like Rihanna; and yes, I’m talking about both Black AND White women! "Saying she looks like Janet Jackson! Shiiiiiiiiiiit! Looks more like Freddie Jackson!" Chris Tucker’s Smokey. And then the Twitter esque character limit in the description section doesn’t help either; I had to learn the hard way that "I love my dog" really means that I throw birthday parties for her which involves buying not one but two cakes and inviting other doggie friends of hers over to celebrate; all of whom are dressed up in clothing that cost way more than the shit that I wear!

At least Bumble’s easier for girls because guys are dumb and lazy; we can’t hide who we really are. If we’re douchebags, we post shirtless pics of ourselves and send you dick pics within 5 messages of meeting you. If we’re boring, our profile consists of nothing but photos of us at sporting events wearing jerseys of players that no one’s ever heard of. But if we’re cool, our profile description contains Beyonce’ quotes that talk about you taking us to Red Lobster (cough, cough).

Anyway, the point of all this is, that we’re really good at hiding who we truly are at times. And when it comes to movies, they have funding behind their game, so it’s nearly impossible to tell what’s going to be good and what’s not. The indie film Colossal is the perfect example of this. Every trailer for this movie made it appear to be this lighthearted comedy that involved American sweetheart Anne Hathaway and former SNL funnyman Jason Sudeckis. Anne Hathaway was supposed to be this bubbly party girl who one day woke up to realize that she somehow had the ability to control the actions of a giant monster that was wreaking havoc in South Korea. So naturally you think to yourself, cool, it’s nothing too heavy, I’ll just see a cute and talented Hathaway dance her way out of this kooky situation and I’ll leave the theater with a smile on my face. Nope; damn you Colossal and your Ludwig filter!!! This movie was really dark and depressing; which is perfectly fine if you know that’s what you’re in for when you pay for your ticket.

As it turns out, Hathaway is a girl who parties way too much because she can’t get over the fact that she’s been out of work for so long, and this is what ultimately leads to her boyfriend kicking her out of their apartment and her having to return to her small hometown in Whereverville, USA. The second she returns home however, this giant monster shows up in South Korea and starts terrorizing the country. No one can figure out where it came from or even what it wants but it sure has the entire world on edge. Meanwhile while all of this is going on, Hathaway runs into a friend of hers from elementary school (Sudeckis) who not only clues her in to the latest developments (because she gets too black out drunk to remember) but decides to help her out by giving her a part time job at the bar he owns. Things seem to be going okay until one night Hathaway gets drunk and hooks up with Sudeckis’s good friend; it’s at this point a giant robot shows up alongside the monster and things get really weird and dark.

Now as I was watching Colossal, I was unbelievably uncomfortable simply because it wasn’t what I was expecting going in. But as the film went on and I figured out what it really was, I settled in a bit and was able to enjoy it. And it wasn’t until a few days later that I came to the decision that it was actually a cool and clever modern day take on the old Godzilla films and I believe that with the proper expectation setting, everyone out there could find something that they’d like about it. So let that be a lesson to you ladies, just go with no filter on Instagram and be up front and honest about your love for your dogs and you wont wind up with some scrub comparing you to Puff Daddy and his moronically spending a million dollars on his one year old’s birthday party. I give Colossal and my dating life a rating of kind of FRESH!