Sunday, August 13, 2017


It took me forever to come to grips with my feelings over Christopher Nolan’s latest offering to the public as he’s had a pretty strong track record over the past two decades. I mean, outside of his ridiculous decision to make Bane sound like Sean Connery on life support in Batman 3, he’s been pretty much on point with his storytelling, his direction, and his ability to move me emotionally. But it’s because he’s been so good at what he does it makes us slow to point out his epic failures whenever we encounter them.

It’s similar to when U2 was on top of the world; when they released War and The Joshua Tree it seemed as if they could do no wrong, that was until records like Zooropa and Pop came around, both of which were clear signs that they had fallen off the whiskey covered throne they had built for themselves. Yet people still flooded to their shows as if their ears hadn’t just been exposed to the Irish equivalent of Gerardo. Rico…Suave! I remember people saying this about that stupid song Stay (Faraway, So Close!) "It’s like, full of emotion and shit" Ok, so I may have made that last part up but I’m sure someone’s stoned uncle probably said that at some point.

The point is, there are ton of people out there who are grasping for straws in an attempt to convince themselves that Dunkirk is actually a good movie. I’ve heard people say things like "Well, you have to pay the $18 to see it in IMAX to truly get crushed physically and emotionally" or "You know what, Harry Styles wasn’t all that bad in it! He wasn’t distracting at all!" Ok, the mere fact that some terrible Brit pop star didn’t distract you from the story should tell you all you need to know about the quality of said story, especially considering the fact that he had the majority of the lines. I love Bobby Brown but the fact that I didn’t think he was the most ridiculous thing I saw on screen during Ghostbusters 2 let me know that it was probably time to put that franchise to bed.

Now don’t get me wrong, technically Dunkirk is a brilliant film as the sound, the always present but minimalist approach to the score, and the actual filming are all on point; and I’m certain that if I paid $18 to see it in true IMAX I’d be even more impressed. That however won’t make me care about anything that’s happening to the people on screen. You never really get to know anyone’s name, outside of some scrubby kid who gets punked after being on screen for like 5 minutes, and everyone seemingly only cares about themselves. And yes, I’m well aware of the fact that this is by design to show that war doesn’t really care who you are when it comes to deciding who suffers or dies. And yes, I get that when your survival instincts kick in, you naturally do whatever it takes to live (the creepy old lady in Minority report taught me that with her weird, biting plants). But if this is a story about scrubs on a beach getting rescued then you should set it up to where you actually care about the scrubs who are being rescued.

The film’s climax fell unbelievably flat mainly because the only character you could find any type of connection with was the shell shocked, desperate, and stranded soldier played by Cillian Murphy. Maybe as an American I’ve been brainwashed by all of our war propaganda films but it seems to me that if you have 40,000 soldiers on the coast of France and Germany is coming for you, you’d be able to come up with some sort of strategy to at least fight back! Yes, Germany had tanks and artillery, and all the British and French soldiers had available to them were rifles, but haven’t these people ever read the Bible or watched the movie Braveheart? There wasn’t one British general who was smarter than freaking William Wallace?

Hell, at the least come up with something better than just duck and cover when planes are dropping bombs on you. You have thousands of rifles, you couldn’t all simultaneously shoot at the plane? It may not have blown it up but it would have at least slowed it down a bit. Just do something! Man the f%&* up and fight! And you wonder why America won its independence and stole Louisiana from you!

Now was this movie all bad? No. The dogfighting scenes were cool and seemingly more realistic than anything we saw in the terrible but awesome The Last Starfighter. And the claustrophobic scene in the grounded boat where they are hiding from Germans who are using the boat for target practice was cool but 20 minutes does not make a movie. In the end, I guess it’s ok that Nolan wasn’t able to deliver on this film as he’s still batting .900 but let’s just admit that this movie sucks and move on with our lives. I give Dunkirk a rating of WEAK!

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Atomic Blonde

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, "This day calls for some Lil Kim!" She was as raw and as filthy as they come on the mic and she didn’t care what anyone thought about it either! She wasn’t particularly attractive but the way she talked about sex made you want to give up your bonus money for just a taste test of what she had to offer. But the last time we really heard from Kim was about 15 years ago. I wonder what she’s up to these days. Is she still rapping or is she simply a stay at home mom now? And if she is, does she have kids? Can you imagine them coming across one of her old albums or videos? How can you look at your mom the same again after hearing her say "Sucking on your dick was like sucking a roach! I went from first class to coach!" Um…mom?!?! Or who knows, maybe they dig it. I can totally hear Kim saying "I know you hear me on Pandora radio. I know you saw my old school sex video" And her kids replying with "Truuuuueee!"

Ok, so I realize that only fans of 90’s hip hop will get those jokes but the point is, there still happens to be a 40 year old out there in the public eye who hasn’t lost her sexiness or her talent and she still produces art that her children (if she has any) can be proud of, and that’s Charlize Theron. She rose above being type cast as the pretty blonde white girl in films like 2 Days in the Valley and Reindeer Games and made her mark in Hollywood by starring in dramas like The Cider House Rules and Monster. But thankfully for action fans like me, she finally found her true calling in films like Aeon Flux, Prometheus, and Mad Max: Fury Road; so naturally she was the perfect choice to star in John Wick 3 aka Atomic Blonde.

The same guy who helped make John Wick 1 is the very one who brings us this perfect mix of Wonder Woman, James Bond, and Jason Bourne. And in it Theron plays undercover MI6 agent Lorraine Broughton who is called into Cold War Germany to not only investigate the murder of a fellow agent but to also recover a secret document that contains the code names of every undercover agent who is currently in enemy territory. Obviously if this list gets out in the wrong hands, this can be bad news for everyone involved.

Now I get that on the surface this sounds like every other secret agent film you’ve seen before and the fact that it includes a supermodel in Theron as the main tough guy so to speak, makes you think that you’ll have to completely suspend reality to enjoy it, but that’s simply not the case. Unlike the stellar John Wick films that preceded it, this film relies just as much on the plot and character development as it does the brutal action itself. Theron literally can’t trust anyone as the contact she’s been paired up to work with, David Percival (played wonderfully by James McAvoy) clearly has his own agenda. He’s either an agent who has been undercover for so long that he’s lost his way or he’s a double agent who may be involved in stealing the list himself. Either way, she has to stay on her toes to keep from ending up in the dirty rivers of Berlin like her fellow agent before her. And then of course there’s her having to work around the fact that Germany is spilt by the Berlin Wall and the rising political tension that accompanies that. Will she be shot by the corrupt Russians or will she be arrested by the suspicious German police? And I haven’t even mentioned the beautiful French agent, Delphine LaSalle (The Mummy’s Sofia Boutella) who is following Theron around and attempting to seduce her. And yes, this does lead to one of the best surprise sex scenes on record. I nearly stood up in the theater and started applauding when this happened!

Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the 80’s music in it is unbelievable. Now I realize that a lot of the Oh Mickey You’re So Fine pop music sucked, as did the majority of the Rock n Roll hair bands that were around during that time, but we can’t let that overshadow all of the amazing music that came from that era. There was The Cure’s Just Like Heaven, Falco’s Der Kommissar, Til Tuesday’s Voices Carry and I haven’t even gotten to Duran Duran, Bowie, Echo & the Bunnymen, or Depeche Mode, all of whose songs were prominently featured in this film. And I don’t mean that they were just playing for nostalgia purposes, I mean that they were actually an integral part of the story. Much like in the movie Baby Driver, all of the characters were listening to or singing the songs that were featured and they matched up to the situation that was playing out in the film. Now this could have been unbelievably cheesy but thankfully director David Leitch knows what he’s doing. It added yet another cool element to the story and really took you back to the general sense of unease that everyone in the world was feeling at the time as it felt as though we were on the brink of another World War.

And last but certainly not least was the incredible action. I went in thinking that this film would either feature over the top action scenes that involved Theron effortlessly knocking out men who were 100 lbs. or more heavier than her or would involve so much shaky cam that you couldn’t really see what was happening on screen anyway. Well I’m happy to say that neither of these was the case. Did Theron take out some fairly big dudes? Yes, but it almost killed her to do so and she had to utilize some Jason Bourne tactics to do so, such as using normal every day household items like water hoses or car keys to take dudes out. The water hose scene is one for the ages by the way. But it was nothing compared to the 20 minute single shot action scene where Theron has to take out an entire gang of bad guys while protecting her only remaining asset. This absolutely floored me and I can honestly say that I haven’t seen anything like this since the classic Korean film, Old Boy.

Do yourself a favor and go see a female with brains kick some serious ass! I rate this movie as unbelievably FRESH!

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

War for the Planet of the Apes

This week so far has been an awful one for the world of Hollywood; and I say that not because we are yet another week closer to the release of The Emoji Movie, but because in one day we lost two legends in George Romero and Martin Landau. These two were absolute giants in the movie industry as there would’ve been no such thing as The Walking Dead if it weren’t for Romero’s Night of the Living Dead, and because Landau brought an incomparable level of style and grace to absolutely everything he was in. Do yourself a favor and see Tim Burton’s Ed Wood if you haven’t yet as it’s an underground classic that features Landau at the top of his game.

Well, we all know that these things happen in threes, so that means everyone in Hollywood is laying off the sauce and the cocaine until the next person drops. Ok, well maybe not everyone as we all know Colin Ferrell can’t help but keep it raw, but having said that, he’s not my pick to be number three. Sadly, my prediction is that it’s going to be the 90’s action hero, Bruce Willis. I know, I know, but look at the facts! You can only bang so many porn stars after your breakup with Demi Moore and you can only try for so long to keep up sexually with your wife who is 23 years younger than you before health becomes a major issue! But having said all that, I must admit that the man is kind of my idol; getting paid to say Yippee Ki yay Motherfucker and marrying a young British girl is pretty much the life.

But all good things must come to an end as getting old is a bitch! And this is what is happening in the world of the talking apes. We all loved Charlton Heston and the mute vixen so much that we had to bring it back with James Franco and the girl from Slumdog Millionaire. And no I’m not being sexist by not listing the females’ names, I’m just too lazy to look them up right now. Hey, it’s a free blog, what do you want from me?!?! Freido Pinto is her name, I believe, but don’t quote me on that. Again, too lazy but let’s just move on!

In Apes you see a greying Caesar and his troop trying to survive as they are now in a full blown war with the humans after Koba lost his damn mind in Dawn of the Apes. The opening scene feels like you’re watching Platoon as you see the human army sneaking up to attack the apes while wearing helmets that say The Master Species or Ape Killer; which now that I think about it, sounds really racist! Man, f^%$ the humans!

But anyway, the first 30 minutes makes you think that you’re merely seeing an extension of Dawn as it’s an all-out war that’s full of shootouts and mass killings. The height of which happens to be the launching point for what makes this movie so special after Woody Harrelson mistakenly kills Caesar’s wife and son while attempting to kill him. It’s at this moment that Caesar ceases any attempts to be diplomatic and basically goes on a suicide mission to get revenge. Now I can’t move on without noting how awesome of a scene this was as it’s really the first time you see Woody Harrelson in the film, and when you do, his face is covered in war paint and he has this crazed look in his eyes! He turns around after he hears an angry Caesar coming after him, cocks his gun, and unloads on Caesar while jumping backwards off of a cliff in slow motion. Now my limitations as a writer can’t possibly do this scene any justice but trust me when I say that it was epic.

Needless to say, Caesar survived the attack and decides to go after Woody after he encourages the rest of the troop to move on to safer lands without him. And for the most part everyone listens except for three of his most devoted troops in Maurice, Luca, and I believe Rocket who decide to come along and help him. Along the way however, they discover this young mute girl named Nova who Maurice decides to basically adopt as his own as it’s readily apparent that she’ll starve to death without them. And it’s due to this random encounter that they are able to track down Woody because this is also the point where they meet Bad Ape (Scott Zahn). Bad Ape is the lone survivor of a nearby zoo that came under attack after the virus started to spread. He has been living on his own for so long that he’s eager to make friends, even if that means taking them back to the zoo where he nearly lost his life to help them find Woody.

Now the rest of the movie I will let you experience for yourself but just know that it’s centerpiece is the not only the battle that takes place between Woody and Caesar but also the battle the two of them are fighting within. While one is struggling to hold on to his core beliefs, the other has seemingly lost everything that made him human in the first place. And it’s because of this focal point, the movie shifts away from being your typical war film to one where you find yourself having your own internal debate; what’s more important, avenging your family or protecting those who are still relying on you? Do you let personal loss affect how you view the world and those whom you seemingly hold responsible for it?

This seems a little heavy and to be honest with you it is, but thankfully the filmmakers decided to provide some comic relief in the form of Bad Ape; something that was sorely missing in the first two. This film was already solid, and probably the best of the trilogy, but the addition of Bad Ape helped it become also enjoyable. Now I have zero desire to watch either of the first two again because they are almost joyless but I can certainly see myself watching this again due to the amount of thought that went into it. Do yourself a favor and see this film as I give it a rating of FRESH!

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Big Sick

It’s funny to me how certain people luck their way into super stardom while others are basically forced into it. Take Matt Bellamy of Muse for instance, he had absolutely no desire to be a lead singer but because no one else in the band could or would do it, he was basically forced to take over the reins. And now because of his unbelievable range as a vocalist, and of course his ability to shred on a guitar, they are one of the world’s biggest bands. And they’d be even bigger if the Old Face Killah aka Kate Hudson aka Band Killah never came on the scene and tricked poor Matt into planting his seed into her womb of witchery. Come on Matt, you couldn’t find a Kardashian to knock up? Oh wait…the curse is real with them too! Plus, I don’t think any of them have ever seen a white penis in their lives, so that’s basically out.

And then there are the super cool and super talented idiots like Snoop Dogg. I just watched the first part of the HBO documentary, The Defiant Ones, and one of the last scenes in that episode involved Snoop’s reaction to being asked about posing for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Here is what the Doggfather had to say at the time "Man bleep Keith Richards and the bleeping Rolling Stones. I don’t know those bleepers. Put me on the cover of The Source bleep! That’s bleeping king in hip hop bleep! Man, bleep Rolling Stone!" And then of course he appeared on Rolling Stone’s cover and the rest is history!

Well thankfully for The Big Sick’s Kumail Nanjani it looks as though his rise to stardom is a nice mix of hard work and unbelievable luck as getting cast on HBO’s Silicon Valley has helped skyrocket his career! I say hard work because he’s been grinding for years now to get where he is but it’s also luck because we are in a country that hates everything brown. The President is brown? Call him a terrorist, accuse him of not being from this country and make fun of the fact that he likes Grey Poupon on his sandwiches! Too many brown people expected to come to the show? Put up metal detectors everywhere and have the SWAT team on standby just in case! Snickers bars are getting a little too dark? Come up with a new flavor called Almond and put it in a white wrapper! Problem solved.

So it’s a modern day miracle that a romantic dramedy starring a Pakistani male was given a wide release. I’m personally crazy excited about this; not because it has the chance to quell any stereotypes people have about Pakistani people but because of what it can do for skinny non athletic black scrubs like me! Sure black guys have been pulling cute white girls for decades now but you either have to be jacked and play sports or have the ability to spit dope rhymes to do so. Now my jump shot can be lethal on a good day and I did get lucky and spat out a cool freestyle flow once but let’s be real, the only thing I really have going for me is the fact that I can make girls laugh from time to time; and even that’s hit or miss. So come on Kumail, take this movie all the way to the Oscars as all of nerdy brown nation is counting on you! Anyway, this is the longest intro to a review ever, so I’ll get to the movie now.

The Big Sick tells the unbelievable story of how Kumail met his real life wife Emily (played by Zoe Kazan) and how they had to battle through their huge cultural differences just to make their relationship work. Kumail, as mentioned earlier, is Pakistani and in his culture you were expected to marry within your own ethnicity. And to ensure that this happened, you were set up with an arranged marriage of some sort. So every family dinner they had, Kumail’s mother would invite a random girl over to meet her son. They would be forced to interact with one another in front of the family and she would drop off her resume’, so to speak, as well as a photo of herself for him to remember her by. Now on the surface, having your mom pimp you out to hot girls sounds kind of fresh but the problem is, if you don’t wind up marrying one of these girls, you’ll be banned from the family forever. That’s obviously a cause of concern for anyone Kumail dates if they aren’t Pakistani; so he decides to hide this from Emily.

Emily on the other hand is a free spirit who meets Kumail at one of his stand up acts. The two of them hit it off right away in spite of Kumail’s lame attempt at a pickup line and despite the fact that she claims to not be looking for a relationship at the time. She tells her parents everything so there’s really no issues on her end that is until one day she finds Kumail’s box of potential wives. Now Kumail is forced to choose between Emily and his family; and he initially chooses his family until one day Emily is put into a medically induced coma. And it’s in this moment that he comes to realize the mistake he made and wonders if he will ever get the chance to win her back. Not to mention the fact that he now must also win over her parents who know what took place between the two of them.

Kumail is his normal and casually hilarious self as he somehow founds a way to inject humor in even the most awkward of situations. I won’t ruin the joke for you but there is a moment when Emily’s dad asks Kumail his thoughts on 9/11 and his response to that ridiculous question is absolutely classic. That moment alone helped him win over Emily’s dad who was played wonderfully by Ray Romano. Now her mother (Holly Hunter) was a little tougher as the only thing that mattered to her was her daughter but you can’t help but love Hunter and everything that she does in this film. And I have been crazy over Zoe Kazan ever since she played Leo DiCaprio’s side piece in the depressing movie Revolutionary Road and she certainly does deliver here when she’s not in a coma (which is over half of the movie).

What I loved most about this film is that never wallowed in the land of depression like so many of Judd Apatow’s productions normally do. They are typically sold under the guise of being a comedy but really the vast majority of his movies are just dramas with people yelling at one another the entire time. And while that does exist in this film, for the most part you are able to laugh as the characters experience pain, love, and loss. And that’s ultimately what we want when we go to the movies, to cathartically deal with our day to day problems but to do so in a pleasurable manner.

This movie will at least be nominated for quite a few awards once that season is upon us and I can’t help but give it a rating of very FRESH!

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Spider-Man: Homecoming

For one review and one review only, I will try and give my take on a film from the perspective of a normal movie goer. I’ll do this because I realize that I’m 177 years old, I’ve never been married, I have zero kids, and I see over 100 movies a year in the theater; so I am far from what anyone would call normal. And because of everything I just said, in the eyes of most women, I should probably be on some kind of watch list and am likely one bad month away from living with my mother. And if that’s the case, I really hope she still has my Michael Jackson bedsheets on my bed because I want things to feel as normal as possible when I return home! That last statement alone should warrant at least $100,000 in psychiatric treatment but we’ll just pretend you didn’t read that and move on.

But because I see so many movies a year, it’s kind of hard to impress me now. I see almost every joke and plot twist coming from a mile away and I can also tell when material is dumbed down to appeal to the masses. Well I hate to say it but Spiderman fits this to a tee. There’s nothing remotely original or even interesting about it. I mean, I get that it’s a comic book movie and Spiderman in particular is meant to cater to a younger audience but even cartoons throw in a busty female character from time to time to help keep the attention of the adults. And while they did try and throw us a bone with Marisa Tomei, sadly way too much attention was put on the, trying way too hard to be cool, Zendaya. By the way, don’t you have to have at least one platinum selling album before you can go by one name? Somewhere out there Seal is losing his damn mind!!! "Bitch, your ass is no kiss from a rose on a grey!" Ok, so of course Seal would never call a woman a bitch BUT I’m pretty sure he walks around his home all day singing lyrics from his songs while making toast and cleaning one of his 25 cars. How else could someone that ugly pull a pregnant Heidi Klum? That takes some mad game right there!

Anyway, if you’re a teenager or a kid you’ll love this film because the high school kids act like actual high school kids. They log everything they do on Snapchat, they obsess over nerdy things like Star Wars, and they spend their entire time crushing on some cute boy or girl. Well, everyone but the too cool for school Zendaya that is; she spends all of her time cracking lame jokes and watching old black and white documentaries about Madonna. But kids may even find a connection with Peter Parker’s best friend Ned as he’s supposedly the comic relief side kick in this film. The second he finds out that Peter is Spiderman, he loses his mind and asks him a million questions. No literally, I mean he asks a million questions and you’re forced to sit through each and every one of them like you did back in the day when your kid brother asked "Why is the sky blue?" "Why are there birds in the sky?" "Why are you turning red and looking for a baseball bat?" I mean, I get that he’s excited but they ran with that bit just a little too long for me.

But moving on, if you only see 4 to 5 films a year in the theater, the pure spectacle of a Marvel film may be just what you’re looking for. You don’t need an interesting plot or any original action set pieces, you just want to show up and see Spiderman spit out webbing and kiss Mary Jane at the end. At least that’s what my idiot friend suggested to me. Neither one of us can figure out why people show up in droves to see these mindless wastes of time and energy.

Well in Spiderman Homecoming, he does get a cool suit made specifically for him by Ironman, and I must admit that there were a few cool scenes that came from his invention. So that should please the adults who simply want to see Spidey fly around town while saving cats from trees. Also, the final fight scene with Michael Keaton did look cool as Vulture was somewhat interesting but sadly there was not nearly enough of that.

Maybe if they had just done an actual reboot and showed Parker being bitten by the spider, it would have been better. But they instead chose the route of having a fat Jon Favreau and a clearly mailing it in, Robert Downey Jr. be his mentors. And that led to one too many scenes that just fell completely flat and killed any momentum the movie was building as they had zero chemistry between them.

I’m sorry, I know that I said I would try and look at it from the perspective of a normal human being but after I wasted two and half hours of my life on this trash I can’t let Marvel beat me into submission. They have everyone fooled out there and they’re slowly making me feel guilty about hating the steaming pile of poo they continue to serve me on a platter. But guess what, I don’t like poo and I never will like poo! So take that Marvel! I give Spiderman a rating of really WEAK!

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Baby Driver

As I sat by myself singing random punk rock tunes and thinking of more boring tales to share with the public at a recent happy hour, I couldn’t help but wonder how many of my work friends thought to themselves, "Who invited the Black Hodor out tonight?" It’s sad but no matter how much I try to improve my social skills, I inevitably drift off into my own world of music and film while the rest of the universe parties in their high rise condos and has unprotected sex with the cute newbie from the office. Maybe this is why I felt such a strong connection with the lead character of the movie Baby Driver; we’re both so detached from our surroundings that the only way we can feel somewhat normal is to constantly listen to other people’s pain and joy put to the backdrop of distorted guitar.

Now if you don’t know much about the film, Baby is the product of the uber talented writer/director Edgar Wright. He is the same man who brought us Shaun of the Dead, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and for all intents and purposes, Antman, that is until the Marvel studios brought someone else to help it fall more in line with their typical boring formula. He has this innate ability to somehow come up with the perfect balance of comedy, action, and sometimes even horror, depending upon the movie. You never leave his films only feeling one type of emotion and there’s definitely something to be said for that as many have tried and failed at replicating this formula; just look at Colin Trevorrow. Trevorrow caught lightening in a bottle with Safety Not Guaranteed but has failed miserably ever since to try and recapture that magic; point and case being his latest disaster in The Book of Henry. Bet those Star Wars nerds can’t wait to see what crap he spits out for Episode IX.

Anyway, while there isn’t any horror in Baby Driver, there’s certainly plenty of action, comedy, and cool music in it. Everyone is raving over the soundtrack, and while I don’t think it’s anywhere near as cool as The Crow or the Pulp Fiction soundtracks were, I must admit that I found myself rocking out during more than one car chase scene. And I think that this helps make up for the lack of cool cars in the movie.

I have heard more than one person complain about that but if you want to see car nerds drive around in fast cars, go see one of the 100 Fast and the Furious movies that are out right now. This film is about a car driving savant who can do badass things behind the wheel of any car that’s thrown his way, and that’s why this movie stands out from its counterparts. Wright is on record as saying that he wanted to create the perfect ode to 90’s action films; movies like Point Break, Heat, and even though he didn’t specifically call this one out, I’ll say True Romance as well. And I have to say that he definitely succeeded in doing just that. Every car chasing scene is stellar as you can’t help but be glued to the screen as Ansel Elgort shifts and drifts his way through random obstacles on the highway while running from the cops in a car that’s full of loot.

Now so far, outside of the use of normal cars for the getaway scenes, a movie about a good driver sounds just like any other B movie that’s been released on Cinemax within the past 20 years, but what else makes this movie stand out is the supporting cast of criminals. People think that Eiza Gonzalez was only in the film to be eye candy but she’s really there to help trigger the inner demon of her good boy turned bad, Jon Hamm. I swear that he gets cooler with age. You think he’s a sensible thief with good looks but the second Eiza gets in his head, he instantly turns caveman and wants to kill everything in his path. And Jamie Foxx nearly steals every scene he’s in as it seems as though he’s channeling only the evil parts of his character Muthafucker Jones from the movie Horrible Bosses. I know that sounds awful but trust me when I say it’s not.

This film gets pretty dark at times and if you know anything about me and my love for 80’s goth music, that falls right into my wheelhouse. In the end, Baby Driver is funny, thrilling, and a little edgy; and I don’t think you can truly appreciate it with only one viewing. So do yourself a favor, go see it, marinate on it for a bit, and then go see it again before coming to a final judgement. But just know going in that I give it a rating of very FRESH!

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Transformers: The Last Knight

As I prepare for and recruit as many reluctant to admit their actual fans as I can to go with me to see the band Bush this coming Sunday, I can’t help but come to the sad realization that I fall into the same pathetic bucket as the rest of the world. For some reason we all hold on to things for far too long simply because we’re too scared to leave what we know for something better. This applies of course to everything from relationships to jobs. And to help us stay in our comfort zone, we tend to only focus on the good parts or memories of what is holding us back even if the last good thing was called Sixteen Stone and was released over 20 years ago! I just keep singing to myself "I don’t wanna comeback down from this cloud" to help me ignore the fact that they keep throwing garbage at me, which includes a terrible acting performance by Gavin Rossdale in the movie Constantine.

Well this has to be only reason why people keep seeing Michael Bay movies. I mean, I get it; The Rock and Bad Boys are classics and will forever hold a soft spot in my heart but again, that was over 20 years ago! But for some reason we keep flocking out to see his terrible and nonsensical films as if they’re going to take us back to the golden years. When are we going to realize that we are in an abusive relationship and move on to something better like Wes Anderson? Sure he’s a bit nerdy and a little quirky but he’s safe and guaranteed to make us laugh.

But no, we are content to stay with Bay even though he’s thrown a racist representation of black people at us under the guise of transforming hatchbacks, and most notably, forced us to hear that awful Aerosmith song I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing (from the movie Armageddon) for at least 5 years. If that doesn’t make you run for the hills, nothing will!

Well I hate to say it, but despite the fact that the first four Transformers movies sucked balls, there I was trying to hype my friends up for Transformers The Last Knight. "Dude, it has a sword wielding Marky Mark and a sword wielding Optimus Prime in it! What’s not to like?" It’s official, I’ve hit rock bottom and I need help.

At least the first four Transformers had one or two over the top action scenes in them that made if feel as though they were worth the price of admission. Sure, you had to sit through 2 hours of awful acting and dialogue to get to them but hey, I equate that to going on a date with a dumb girl who just so happens to have a huge rack. The payoff at the end is worth it every single time!

Well The Last Knight is like going out with a dumb girl who thinks that she’s smart and is really only wearing a wonder bra under that sweater. You sit through two hours of superficial nonsense while spending way too much money on dinner, only to realize that at best you’re going to be motor boating a pair of bee stings by the end of the night! Sorry for the crass reference but Michael Bay does that to me!

In The Last Knight they decided to try and have a real plot to this movie but failed miserably. There’s very little fighting between Transformers and the action that you do get is half assed at best. Instead you’re stuck listening to Sir Anthony Hopkins spit out terrible lines about how the Transformers have helped mankind all throughout history. They show or talk about how they helped Lancelot and Merlin the Magician, as well as how they helped such pioneers like Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman. Yes, you read that correctly, apparently the Underground Railroad was a shit talking Transformer whose mixtape was just about to drop. Transformers for life; it’s muuuurrrrddeeeerrr!

I could go on and on about how this was easily the worst Bayformers of the franchise but I think you get the point by now. Instead, I will plea to you to help one another escape the death grip Michael Bay has on our time and our wallets and ask you to boycott his films from now on. Transformers gets a rating of WACK!