The Expendables 2

What is it about marriage that makes people become so lame? Before marriage girls used to dress cute, act like their cared about sports, and looked after their figure. After they say I do, their main focus is on babies and setting up secret bank accounts. Guys are the worst however. Before they got locked down, they could hang out whenever they wanted, not have to check in every 5 seconds, and actually cared about sports. But once they get that shackle on their finger they do weird stuff like the like trying to get you to hang out with them in a controlled setting. I actually had a buddy who tried to get me to join a Beer Drinking Social Club with him. On the surface it sounds alright but I know that this guy has been neutered for a while so there had to be a catch. He goes on and on about how they have over 100 beers and the point is to try them all and how it's a cool atmosphere blah blah blah. I told him that I'd consider it, especially if this place had cute girls. He quickly jumped in and said that girls were not allowed and that this was an all guys club! Silence ensued followed by laughter; sadly I was the only one laughing. He then tried to make it sound better by the fact that they had delicious sausage there. So let me get this straight, you want me to join an all male club where we get really drunk and eat sausage??? Let's just say that I am reevaluating our friendship.

This cant be where guys are headed is it? Would Arnold or Stallone from the 80's and 90's approve? Well thankfully Expendables 2 came out recently to remind me what guys do. On a slow night you go to the theater and watch dudes blow shit up! Now I must be honest; I saw this movie about a week and a half ago and I have already forgotten almost everything about it but I certainly do remember being entertained. The first 20 minutes of the movie is just over the top and ridiculous action where you see at least 10-15 people's head literally get blown off and for whatever reason none of the bad guys no how to aim. But you hardly care because you get to see Stallone, Jason Statham Jet Li, Dolph Lundren, and company kick ass! The plot is totally insignificant because it barely makes sense. Basically bad guy Jean Claude van Damme (who plays this role in real life too) does an awesome round house kick to some random's face to kill him and steal the map to some nuclear bomb making material. And the old guy bad asses have to go stop him.

There's a funny and cool appearance by Chuck Norris who is introduced to the audience with old school western music and a Chuck Norris joke. For whatever reason they decide to make Dolph Lundren an ex nuclear physicist who just went crazy; which is almost as ridiculous as Denise Richards trying to play the same role in that awful Bond Movie. At least she has big boobs and was given the name Christmas Snow. I guess Lundren has a big chest too but moobs (man boobs) don't do anything for me. Plus he looks like the Crypt Keeper from Tales From the Crypt.  If they really wanted to make him cool, all he would've said was his one liners from his old movies like "I must break you" (Rocky 4). As a matter of fact since the dialogue was useless anyway, every character should've been limited to old school one liners. Now that I think about it, I am going to end every sentence with a one liner "Oh he doesn't know about the three seashells" (Demolition Man).

For the most part this movie was entertaining "Yippee Ki-yah muthafucker!!!" (Die Hard). I just think that it needed more boobs "Screw youuuuuuuuuuu!!!" (Total Recall). And possibly more Van Damme "My name is Chance, because my momma took one" (Hard Target). All he really kept doing was his round house kicks, which was  fresh but he just brought so much freshness and unintentional comedy to the screen that we definitely could have used more"Everybody chiiiiiiiiill" (Batman and Robin). Arnold for the most part was painful but he looked to be having fun for the first time in a while "I've been in restaurants all day and all I've been fed is hot lead" (Safe) All in all I rate this movie as kind of WEAK but here's to looking forward to Wesley Snipes being in part 3 "Sit your $5 ass down before I make change!" (New Jack City).