The Last Witch Hunter

"Master explorer Dirk Pitt goes on the adventure of a lifetime of seeking out a lost Civil War battleship known as the "Ship of Death" in the deserts of West Africa while helping a WHO doctor being hounded by a ruthless dictator." I’m sorry but what??? How does any of that make sense? If you don’t know what I just quoted, that’s the synopsis of the Matthew McConaughey classic flop Sahara which was directed by Breck Eisner. Eisner also directed the latest Vin Diesel vehicle The Last Witch Hunter, and after producing such a timeless masterpiece, how could I say no to seeing him team up with the man that brought us "I live my life a quarter mile at a time"?

I think we can all agree that at age 48, Diesel looks great for his age but he is starting to get a gut and it’s just a matter of time before he becomes the latest version of Steven Seagal; a washed up actor who only does B action movies and never gets filmed doing anything from the waist down. Well I’m happy to report that he’s almost there after watching Witch Hunter.

Witch Hunter begins with a mid-evil Diesel and his local clan hunting down a witch who they believe is responsible for the Black Plague. When they find her, she confesses to being the power behind it and claims that humanity is too irresponsible to live. After a brief struggle, Diesel is able to destroy her but not before she puts the curse of immortality on him; a curse that will force him to see everyone he loves die before his eyes.

Well as time goes on, a Catholic group becomes aware of his ability and they team up with him to provide him everything he needs to help keep the remaining witches at bay. Diesel for the most part seems to have adjusted to his fate and his role in humanity but one day someone disturbs the peace by breaking out their dark magic on the world. He must find who is behind it and what their plan is before the world comes to an end.

Now let me just say that this is not a good movie by any means but it does happen to be entertaining as hell. It reminded me of John Wick but with witches and magic; pure mindless entertainment that actually has a pretty cool storyline. The acting in it is awful as you would expect but you do get to see Diesel talk trash to and punk witches with regularity.

The only question I have is, how did Elijah Wood go from being Frodo Baggins to the third lead in a B fantasy film? Hollywood is a weird place. I rate this movie as WEAK mainly because the general public wont appreciate it but I thought it was pretty fresh.