Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

If it wasn’t for my idiot friend’s constant pestering, there’s no way I would have wasted a single penny on seeing Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Don’t get me wrong, I love weird moves about odd busty women and the children who love them more than I probably should, but with the exception of Sweeney Todd, it’s been decades since Tim Burton has made a decent movie. Ever since he left the crazy Lisa Marie for Helena Bonham Carter and those kinky blow jobs he was getting from her in her monkey suit (see Planet of the Apes), his career has taken a turn for the worst. I guess blow jobs from a hot girl in a vampire outfit wasn’t enough for him; he had to go the Furry route to find his true inner being. Well let this be a lesson for all of us sexually active weirdos out there, the second you trade in a pair of handcuffs for a rubber udder, just know that you are heading down the dirty path of degradation!

So naturally your next question should be, are there any life lessons we can take away from Burton’s Miss Peregrine? Well outside of us having a new goal in life, which is to find a hot Eva Green who has the ability to loop a 24 hour period of us having the best sex of our lives over and over again, the answer is no!

Peregrine is the story of Jake; a loner kid whose only real friend in life was his ‘peculiar’ grandfather Abe (Terrence Stamp). And from the very first time he was able to stand and walk, Abe has told Jake these wonderful stories of how he grew up in a home where all of his housemates had these odd characteristics that made them different from the rest of normal society. And by odd I don’t mean that they simply wore ascots in the middle of summer; I mean that they would have been burned at the stake in certain parts of the country had their talents ever been brought to light. There were kids who were so light that they had to wear weighted shoes to keep from floating away, a child who had the ability to bring inanimate objects to life with the use of his hands and his magic hearts, and of course there was a beautiful redhead who had the ability to set things on fire with her hands.

Now Jake loved these stories and he believed them so much that he told everyone he knew about them. But as you can imagine, the older he got, the more he seemed crazy for actually believing them. Well it isn’t until after his grandfather is seemingly killed by a monster that Jake sets off to Wales to find out if any of the stories were actually true. And it’s on this journey that he finally gets to meet all of the crazy characters his grandfather had been telling him about. They are all somehow still alive and the same age they were when Abe lived with them all those years ago. How is that possible you ask? Well I’ll let the movie explain that to you.

But as you can see the premise is actually pretty cool and of course a story with oddball children is right up Tim Burton’s alley. The problem however is, for whatever reason, Burton chooses to turn this film into an unintentionally comedy in the third act. Miss Peregrine and her children are all in danger as these evil mad scientists, that are being led by Samuel L. Jackson, are coming for them to eat their eyeballs for energy (yes it’s as weird and as gross as it sounds) and it’s up to Jake to discover what his peculiarity is so that he will be able to help save them from their disgusting fate.

Where the hilarity ensues is during the film’s climatic fight scene between the children and the monsters. For some odd reason Burton decides to put this rather lengthy scene in the middle of a rave at a carnival. Now I know on the surface it sounds like that cool opening scene from Blade, but trust me when I say it’s nowhere near as badass as that was. The monsters are slowed down by snowballs and cotton candy and all of the evil scientists have these giant shark teeth that make them look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

I wish I was a talented enough writer to accurately describe just how terrible the last 30 minutes of this movie was but alas I’m not. Just trust me when I say that you need to avoid this movie at all costs. I give Peregrine a rating of really WEAK.