It’s not often that I fall asleep during a movie, let alone
three times during the same one; but that is exactly what happened when I saw the first
Hobbit. There was one scene in particular where I believe it was Gandalf that was talking to Cate Blanchett the elf, that ran for so long that I fell asleep,
woke myself up snoring, looked around and saw that they were STILL talking! And the sad thing is, its not just this movie but all of these fantasy movies that
run way too long! Is it because these nerds don’t have as many opportunities as
they did in the past to tell their stories of frolicking dwarfs, flying
horses, and trolls that fall in love? I don’t remember Willow or Krull having
to break their stories up into trilogies that lasted 15 hours a piece. Willow fell in love with Princess Elora within 5 minutes! And if these
movies are supposed to be marketed for the whole family, how do they expect a kid to stay
interested for 3 hours if I cant keep myself awake without having to fantasize about
Elven porn just to mix things up.
This movie opens up with a 5 minute Quentin Tarantino style discussion
that takes place between Gandalf and Thorin, and it is accompanied by soap opera
music every time something profound is said. It’s a total rip off of Obi Wan
meeting Han Solo in the alien bar from Star Wars but it just sets the table
for what is to come later in the movie. Once you get past the silliness of it,
it’s actually a cool little tie in into how they all came together in the first
Hobbit and it also takes you right into the action. The plot is unbelievably simple,
they need Bilbo the master thief to steal an arc stone from some giant mountain
that is heavily guarded by the deadly dragon Smaug so that Thorin can then unite everyone
against a great evil that is brewing in the world. I mean come on! Why not just call it what we all
know you were using for inspiration when you wrote the story in the first place, THE NOTHING! Anyway, Peter
Jackson (the director) takes you through a magical forest that is full of
giant spiders and tricky elves while doing some cool things along the way with everyone’s
favorite ring, the Precious. Also while on their journey, you meet humans and you see
the dwarfs and Bilbo repeatedly trying to avoid the evil Orgs.
There is absolutely no reason why this story couldn’t be
told in 2 hours or less; tell your story and fill it with plenty of short but
effective action scenes, its really not that hard. No, not Peter Jackson; he
feels the need to take a somewhat interesting story and stretch it out for as
long as he possibly can. It’s like he watched way too many seasons of Mad Men and
felt like their writers were challenging him. “Oh you think YOU can put people
to sleep, just watch what I have in store for you!” I am an action junkie, so
the more action the better is usually my take on a movie. But even I know
that these scenes shouldn’t last for 40 minutes. In theory it sounds tight but
in actual practice you end up with Steven Spielberg 2.0. You have characters
running through de facto obstacle courses and ridiculous attempts at humor. So
basically the scene loses its effect and you’re stuck thinking about elven porn
again.
There is one scene that so blatantly steals from Temple of
Doom that I was just waiting for one of the dwarfs to all of a sudden develop a
Chinese accent and start yelling “Doctor Bilbo, Doctor Bilbo!! Ooooooh you
cheat Doctor Bilbo! You cheat!!!” And while we’re at it, why not just offend
everyone and have one of the dwarfs yell “Oh sexy girlfriend, you need to
start yanking my wankie! The Donger need tang!” This is a reference to a weird
love story that takes place between an elf and a dwarf.
I liked this movie but it runs way too long, just in case
you haven’t picked up on that yet. I actually stayed awake the entire time and
I loved the cliffhanger ending. It's yet another “ode” to Empire Strikes Back or
even the Matrix Reloaded; but I can’t fault him for that. I rate this movie as
barely FRESH but suggest that you watch it at home, so you can break it up over
a few days.
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