The Huntsman: WInter's War

When I woke up this morning, I found myself reading Maxim’s breakdown of the seven hottest women Prince "dated" during his illustrious time on this Earth. I got so into this wonderful article that the start to my day was delayed by about 30 minutes due to my creepy daydreaming but I do have to say that it was well worth every minute I spent as purple penetrator! And as I was drooling over the likes of Carmen Electra and Vanity, I started to go over my own top seven list of amazing hookups. It took me a bit of time to complete the list but in the end I was quite proud of the quality of women I had bagged over the years. But my time in total bliss came to a crashing halt when for some strange reason I also decided to compile a list of the bottom seven hookups during my lifetime and I quickly came to the sad realization that I was in fact no Prince!

If Prince had stepped anywhere near the set of The Huntsman: Winter’s War, he could’ve had Jessica Chastain, Emily Blunt, and Charlize Theron all in one night if he wanted to; and all three would’ve easily cracked his top seven! If I had walked on set, I would’ve been lucky to have even had the opportunity to steal a bagel from the dolly grip girl as I pinched her butt before security came and pummeled me to death!

Well I have to say that both of the scenarios that popped into my head this morning were far more entertaining than anything that actually happened during the plodding Winter’s War. I thought the first Snow White movie they made was awful simply because they tried to make us believe that an 80 lbs. pale faced emo scrub like Kristen Stewart could inspire a land full of warriors and dwarves to risk their lives for her "beauty". But apparently that wasn’t laughable enough to keep them from making a sequel. The first one made just enough money to where the studios thought that if they simply made a few tweaks to the original that a sequel could take off in the same way that Winters Soldier did for Captain America. That’s the only logical explanation I can think of for this movie’s ridiculous title and storyline. So there I was, wasting two hours of my life because I can’t keep myself from watching a train wreck.

Well they thankfully got rid of the sallow Stewart and chose to put their focus on Chris Hemsworth and Theron’s sister Emily Blunt (The Ice Queen). At the beginning of this movie we find out that Blunt is having the child of a man who is promised to another. And despite her sister’s warning that he will never stay with her, she decides to have the child anyway and hold onto the hope of true love. Well one day she is tricked into believing that the two of them will run away together only to return home to see that something awful has happened.

And it’s because of this terrible event that she finally discovers her own powers and decides to leave her sister’s kingdom to start one of her own. She now no longer believes in love and decides to go on the warpath to rid the world of it. So she steals the children of every kingdom she conquers and turns them into her own personal army of warriors or huntsmen. Two of those warriors just so happen to grow up to become Hemsworth and Chastain, who of course in spite of their icy surroundings, still find a way to fall in love. But once Blunt finds out about this she does everything she can to separate the two to help restore order in her world. Will the power of love prevail in the end just like it did in the movie Krull? These are the burning questions nerds everywhere will ask themselves as they watch this re-imagination of a classic fairytale.

Oh I almost forgot, Blunt is also on a quest to find the mirror that was the great source of power for her evil and twisted sister (yes I did that on purpose). Once she gets her hands on it, she will be unstoppable, so it’s up to Hemsworth and his dwarves to get to it before she does.

Now this is actually not a bad premise, it’s just that the execution of it is a bit off. The first 30 minutes are almost unwatchable as the director bores you to death with lame fight sequences and jokes that fall completely flat. But once the female dwarves show up the movie actually kicks up a notch. The jokes all of a sudden become funny, there are a few cool action sequences involving goblins and overzealous huntsmen, and the director provides you some pretty incredible shots to gawk at as he takes you deep into the CGI fairyland he’s created.

All of this gives you the false hope that this will eventually turn into a good movie but ultimately the film’s convoluted ending leaves you feeling a bit underwhelmed. Oh well, I wont complain too much; I did get to stare at my imaginary top three for two hours. But in the end this movie gets a rating of pretty WEAK!