Criminal

When you really think about it, Michael Pitt and I have quite a bit in common. Now I know that at first glance that may seem like quite a stretch but please bear with me for a second. When we first got started in our professional careers we were both earning a decent amount of money and were both gaining a ton of respect from our peers; me at a soul sucking Fortune 50 company and Pitt with his acting in Hollywood. But as time went on we both grew tired of doing what was expected of us and chose to go down paths that made most of our friends and family roll their eyes in disgust.

I left to chase the silly dream of writing screenplays for a living and now find myself eating In n Out burgers for a fancy weekend night out on the town. And Pitt, depending upon whose story you believe, famously forced his way out of Boardwalk Empire so he could chase his dream of playing in a band. He now finds himself playing the fifth lead in a Kevin Costner B movie called Criminal. Now while he's way more famous than I will ever be and undoubtedly bangs hotter girls than I will ever meet, I feel as though our shared dreams of hipsterdom will forever link us as we travel down the road of degradation together. Who knows, maybe the two of us should make a sequel to the movie Money Train that originally starred Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson.

Anyway, speaking of the movie Criminal, I thought Ryan Reynolds made this movie already! Wasn't it called Self/less? That was when Sir Ben Kingsley tried to live forever by putting his consciousness in the body of a younger Reynolds, and as is typically the case in Hollywood, disaster ensued. Well in Criminal it's the dead Reynolds' memories that are being transferred into the mind of a much older Costner; apparently the 61 year old was the only eligible candidate for this ground breaking surgery. Which is unbelievably odd when you think about it because aren't most people's minds starting to disintegrate at that age?

Well apparently not Costner's. Revolutionary doctor Tommy Lee Jones decides that Costner is the best candidate for this surgery because the frontal lobe in his brain never fully developed after a childhood accident, so he has no capacity to feel emotion or determine  right from wrong. And the fact that it has never been developed means that there's plenty of room for growth in that area. What's truly awesome about Costner's character is that he grunts and talks like Christian Bale's version of Batman the entire time. He's as violent as they come and is kept in solitary confinement because beats everyone that just so happens to cross his path to a pulp. Now you do have to believe in Hollywood magic for this to work as he is 61 years old but thanks to Costner's acting chops and the fact that the director only films him from the waste up talking trash and sucker punching people, he's actually believable as an old school badass who can still pretty much do whatever he wants.

The reason he's receiving the transplant in the first place is because C.I.A. operative Reynolds has been killed by Spanish anarchist Xavier. Xavier is looking for the Dutchman (Pitt) who is in possession of a secret weapon that allows him to override functionality and gives him control over all of the U.S.'s weapons. And lucky for Reynolds, he's the only one who knows where he is. So the C.I.A. needs access to the now dead Reynolds' brain to retrieve this information so they can find the Dutchman before Xavier or any other evil country can first.

As the transfer becomes complete you start to see Costner wrestle with the new experience of feeling emotions and being able to determine right from wrong, as well as now having access to another man's life through his memories. This of course leads to some pretty intense moments between him and Reynolds' former wife (Gal Gadot) and their daughter.

Now this movie isn't Oscar worthy or anything but it sure as hell is entertaining. Like I said earlier, before Costner is able to feel emotion, he's like a bull in a China shop in pretty much every situation he encounters. He constantly cuts in line, steals people's food, and picks a fight with pretty much anyone that comes within 5 feet of him. And his trash talking is off the charts. But as he slowly starts to become more human, he turns into the every man Costner we've all come to know and love. Along the way however, he has to deal with an impatient U.S. government, a world class hacker and anarchist, his henchmen, and the opportunistic Russians who also want in on the action.

It all adds up to a ton of car chases, gun fights in public areas, and random explosions on the highway. Basically my dream movie. There are one or two scenes with Reynolds' old family that seem to bog the movie down a bit and the film's final scene feels like it was forced in by the studio but overall this is a rather enjoyable movie.

Go in with low expectations and you'll find yourself coming out with high praise. I rate this movie as FRESH!

P.S. There isn't a fresh twirling scene from the Costner like there was in Mr. Brooks but don't let that keep you from checking it out. Because, and to quote my idiot friend, it could be a COSTly mistake. Get it?