Guardians of the Galaxy Volume Two

For someone who has little to no desire to have children of his own, I have a serious soft spot for movies that feature a strong father/son relationship. Maybe that explains why I watched that terrible Kevin Costner film A Perfect World a million times when I was growing up; I think a small part of me wants to be an old man who wears tight white tees, drinks beer, and just talks shit all day! Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that bad after all as it was directed by Clint Eastwood before he became senile and started talking to empty chairs on stage. Oh, and let us not forget that it also had Laura Dern rocking loose fit Dockers slacks before middle aged white Republican men started to pick up on the trend. Yes, that’s right, Tucker Carlson and Bill O’Reilly secretly want to be gangly white girls who probably played woodwind instruments in high school and got rejected by Jim Carrey right after he blew up in Hollywood. Jim Carrey?!?! Come on Laura, you’re better than that; there’s plenty of overweight Black dudes out there who would be all over you. Maybe that’s yet another reason why Tucker wants to be her, but back to my love of these films.

Now I know in part why I can’t stay away from these movies but that’s way too deep for me to get into right now, especially for a silly little blog like this. Just know that it led to me crying in the theater for the first time ever in Boyz in da Hood after Ricky got shot in an alley and it also caused me to cry after G-baby died in Hardball. Damn you Keanu, who knew that you had the power in you! Well one would think that given my history, a father/son reunion in the new Guardians would be a sure fire hit in my eyes! Well, think again as my eyes definitely weren’t watering up but were instead rolling during the majority of this boring wasteland of a film.

Now I know that all of the Marvel freaks out there will be up in arms after reading this but it’s time to face reality folks. I absolutely loved the first Guardians film but sadly I didn’t remember a single thing from it! And it has nothing to do with my age and the fact that old people forget where their car keys are on a daily basis, it has to do with the fact that all Marvel films are completely forgettable. I remember everything that happened in the Bourne trilogy, the Star Wars trilogy, and even the Weekend at Bernie’s trilogy. Ok, so I really only remember the first one and I’m not too sure there was a third one but the fact remains that I remember more about a movie that centered around a dead and bloated corpse with a mustache and shades that hosted parties on the beach than I do any of these beloved superhero films!

So all of the cheesy themes of the importance of family, forgiveness, and connecting were lost on me mainly because I had no idea who any of these characters were! And even if I did it wouldn’t have made that big of a difference as it felt like they recruited Minority Report Spielberg (not Schindler’s List Berg) to write this story. Everything in the plot was as predictable as a prom night with a booked hotel is; you’re just patiently wading your way through all of the formalities for what you hope will be an incredible ending to the night. Well much like prom, the end finally did come, and while it was ok, it didn’t quite live up to your expectations! Dammit, I knew she was wearing a wonder bra!

I guess my main problem is that this Guardians was targeting more of the younger (8-14 year olds) demographic than it was the older nerds who grew up on it. Which I get as it’s a comic book film. But that’s what Spiderman and Superman films are for; you expect some story about a teenager who lives with his parents or some grown ass man who wears spandex and a cape to have plotlines that revolve around taking care of your old grandmother or stopping other grown ass men in spandex from taking over the world. But if your main characters are wise cracking rejects of society, you expect a slightly more complicated plot. Or at the very least, some cool action with awesome one liners! None of that was in this film. The only cool thing I remember were the snooty and beautiful gold people and the Howard the Duck cameo.

Now had Howard mowed down an entire brothel full of aliens then this movie might have been tight, but sadly, old Spielberg didn’t write that in. But apparently an old Spielberg chose all of the music for this film. Part of what was supposed to make Guardians so cool was the nostalgia of the mixtape but I don't remember any of my mixtapes having such shitty music! I know that the early 80's was a period of transition musically but there had to be something other than K-Lite jams for them to choose from. It's like they raided the album collection of Mark Ruffalo and made it their soundtrack! Here's a tip Marvel, next time, don't look to the lamest white person to have ever lived for your music choices.

I don’t know, in the end, it’s a Marvel film, so you’re probably going to see it anyway, if you haven’t already. But just know going in that it’s going to be mediocre at best. But who knows, maybe your kids will like it, and as a parent, that’s all you can really ask for I guess. Guardians gets a rating of WEAK!