Colossal

Life would be so much easier for me if the world wasn’t so damn good at marketing! Take the dating app Bumble for instance; I swear that every woman out there below the age of 35 is a professional photographer. They know how to work every angle, use every filter, and maximize whatever lighting is available to make themselves look like Rihanna; and yes, I’m talking about both Black AND White women! "Saying she looks like Janet Jackson! Shiiiiiiiiiiit! Looks more like Freddie Jackson!" Chris Tucker’s Smokey. And then the Twitter esque character limit in the description section doesn’t help either; I had to learn the hard way that "I love my dog" really means that I throw birthday parties for her which involves buying not one but two cakes and inviting other doggie friends of hers over to celebrate; all of whom are dressed up in clothing that cost way more than the shit that I wear!

At least Bumble’s easier for girls because guys are dumb and lazy; we can’t hide who we really are. If we’re douchebags, we post shirtless pics of ourselves and send you dick pics within 5 messages of meeting you. If we’re boring, our profile consists of nothing but photos of us at sporting events wearing jerseys of players that no one’s ever heard of. But if we’re cool, our profile description contains Beyonce’ quotes that talk about you taking us to Red Lobster (cough, cough).

Anyway, the point of all this is, that we’re really good at hiding who we truly are at times. And when it comes to movies, they have funding behind their game, so it’s nearly impossible to tell what’s going to be good and what’s not. The indie film Colossal is the perfect example of this. Every trailer for this movie made it appear to be this lighthearted comedy that involved American sweetheart Anne Hathaway and former SNL funnyman Jason Sudeckis. Anne Hathaway was supposed to be this bubbly party girl who one day woke up to realize that she somehow had the ability to control the actions of a giant monster that was wreaking havoc in South Korea. So naturally you think to yourself, cool, it’s nothing too heavy, I’ll just see a cute and talented Hathaway dance her way out of this kooky situation and I’ll leave the theater with a smile on my face. Nope; damn you Colossal and your Ludwig filter!!! This movie was really dark and depressing; which is perfectly fine if you know that’s what you’re in for when you pay for your ticket.

As it turns out, Hathaway is a girl who parties way too much because she can’t get over the fact that she’s been out of work for so long, and this is what ultimately leads to her boyfriend kicking her out of their apartment and her having to return to her small hometown in Whereverville, USA. The second she returns home however, this giant monster shows up in South Korea and starts terrorizing the country. No one can figure out where it came from or even what it wants but it sure has the entire world on edge. Meanwhile while all of this is going on, Hathaway runs into a friend of hers from elementary school (Sudeckis) who not only clues her in to the latest developments (because she gets too black out drunk to remember) but decides to help her out by giving her a part time job at the bar he owns. Things seem to be going okay until one night Hathaway gets drunk and hooks up with Sudeckis’s good friend; it’s at this point a giant robot shows up alongside the monster and things get really weird and dark.

Now as I was watching Colossal, I was unbelievably uncomfortable simply because it wasn’t what I was expecting going in. But as the film went on and I figured out what it really was, I settled in a bit and was able to enjoy it. And it wasn’t until a few days later that I came to the decision that it was actually a cool and clever modern day take on the old Godzilla films and I believe that with the proper expectation setting, everyone out there could find something that they’d like about it. So let that be a lesson to you ladies, just go with no filter on Instagram and be up front and honest about your love for your dogs and you wont wind up with some scrub comparing you to Puff Daddy and his moronically spending a million dollars on his one year old’s birthday party. I give Colossal and my dating life a rating of kind of FRESH!