Carol

As I was watching Carol, the latest indie darling that stars one of my all-time favorites in Cate Blanchett and a current favorite of mine in Rooney Mara, I felt as though I was failing at my job. Nearly every other movie critic out there was falling all over themselves to spout out as much praise as they possibly could over this love story that took place between two women in a time when only women worked in department stores and men drank and drove with impunity. But there I was, sitting in the middle of this packed indie movie theater in north Austin sighing and crossing my arms in disgust after seeing only ten minutes of this drivel.

Was I missing something that everyone else was in on? Or was I just upset over the fact that I hadn’t been laid in a while and this 40 year old mom just happened to be tagging one of the hottest department store clerks of all time? Thankfully though I suddenly realized that it was neither one of these; I remembered that I’m not your typical snobby and out of touch movie critic! I’m the normal guy who goes into a movie looking to be entertained and I am not going to apologize for the fact that it takes a little more than two women simply "falling in love" and taking a road trip together for me to be impressed.

I put falling in love in quotes because it’s abundantly clear that one of the characters (Mara) has discovered something new about herself but ultimately comes to the conclusion that she has no idea what she wants in life, so it’s hard to tell if she’s actually smitten with Carole (Blanchett) or if she is just simply going through another temporary phase of hers. Meanwhile Carol appears to be this selfish human being who is looking for anything or anyone but her husband to show her attention and affection, at least that’s the vibe I got from her multiple infidelities. And this is supposed to be the touching love story that everyone is gushing over? If Carol had left her husband for another man, she would just be considered another run of the mill awful person and this movie never would have been made. This movie describes 80% of the professional athletes that are out there today! Heck, just make a movie about Shaq and his many road trips, I guarantee it would make for a far more interesting story than this. Plus he could even do the soundtrack and come up with more awful rhymes about Kobe!

But anyway, the reason why I didn’t get up and leave after the first ten minutes was because I figured that something spectacular had to happen at some point, something that wasn’t totally predictable from the opening scene of this film. Maybe they would turn out to be the original Thelma and Louise, or maybe her husband bought her in in an illegal sex trade and forced her to be his wife?

Nope! It was just two women taking a road trip together while giving each other seductive glances and expensive Christmas gifts before eventually hooking up. That’s it! Every now and then, Blanchett would say something funny but man oh man, two funny lines does not make up for this intolerable trite. The only bright spots in this film are the performances of Blanchett and Mara as they completely immerse themselves in their characters and try their best to bleed whatever they can from this bland story. But sadly it just wasn’t enough.

I know that this review has a far harsher tone than 90% of the reviews I’ve written in the past but that’s only because I went into this film with such high expectations. Maybe I should have known that this was too good to be true; a real lesbian love affair must always include at least one ugly woman for it to feel realistic! Perhaps they should have seen what Hilary Swank was up to when they were casting roles for this film. I give this movie a rating of unbelievably WACK!