The Lone Ranger

I loved watching The Lone Ranger when I was a kid, so I figured in spite of how cheesy the trailers looked and how ridiculous Johnny Depp was with that stupid bird on his head; it couldn’t be all that bad could it? How hard can it be to make a good western? All you have to do is follow the path that Young Guns, Tombstone, or any Clint Eastwood movie had set before you. Get Chris Hemsworth to play Lone Ranger, Benjamin Bratt (who’s ethnic enough) to play Tonto, Kevin Costner to play some old wise man, and have Len Wiseman direct it; mainly because that would mean the incredibly hot Kate Beckinsdale would also be in it. And just as a side note, that’s how you stay married to your wife in Hollywood; when she’s not filming a movie you get her pregnant! Then when it’s time to let mommy make a movie, you for damn sure make certain that its YOUR movie. Never take your eye off of her for a second, just ask Darren Aronofsky about that when it comes to Rachel Weisz.

Well Disney thought it would be a great idea to bring back their “money” team in Gore Verbinksi and Johnny Depp since Pirates made them 18 billion dollars. And I was ok with that until I found out he was playing the role of Tonto. In typical Depp fashion he decides to do something weird and have Tonto wear a dead bird on his head for the entire movie as opposed to a normal feather. The running joke of him feeding it was sort of funny the first time he did it, but after the 30^th time they went to that well you couldn’t see anymore because your eyes were permanently stuck in the back of your head from constantly rolling them.  And who the hell is Armie Hammer??? Why does this clown who had a bit part in Social Network deserve to play one of the biggest names in Westerns history?  At least they had the wonderful Ruth Wilson in it, who is incredible in BBC’s Luther; but even she’s reduced to a screaming damsel in distress for the entire movie.

So this tired attempt at a movie shows you how John Reid becomes the Lone Ranger after he witnesses his brother and his fellow rangers get ambushed and brutally murdered by the local psychopath Cavendish (played surprisingly well by the underrated William Fitchner). Tonto reluctantly believes that Reid may have something special in him because he was somehow able to survive the\is deadly attack himself. So he convinces him to get revenge on the evil posse by hiding his identity with a mask while going after them. That’s pretty much all you need to know as the writers attempt to add additional layers to the story but they all fall flat because they constantly change the tone of the film from dopey, to cheesy to sort of serious.

And that’s part of the problem, this movie has no idea what it wants to be. It tries to be a comedy but fails miserably at it with its lame and barely above feces jokes. Actually there was a feces joke in it now that I think about it. The Lone Ranger with his over the top and preachy morality makes him so lame that you actually root for him to die the entire movie. Oh and he’s a wimp who can’t fight; the perfect personality for a hero right? Yes, your hero should have morals but this guy is crazy whiny about it. He really should've crossed his arms and stomped his feet every time he didn't get his way.

And then there’s the whole Princess Bride story telling aspect of it. For some reason they can’t just show you the origin of the Lone Ranger, they have to have a 100 year old Johnny Depp telling some annoying kid the story with the dumb kid interrupting him every 30 minutes. That’s another issue with this crapfest; every time you think it’s finally over, you look at your watch and realize that you’re only an hour into it. By the time they break out the Ranger’s awesome theme song, you’re so over this movie that you don’t even care.

This movie is unbelievably WACK and you should definitely avoid it at all costs.