Bullet to the Head

“I can’t wait to see the new Evil Dead movie, although I know you’re probably going to hate it because you’re a purist bastard” my friend. My response “Pfft please! I saw freaking Bullet to the Head on opening night! Of course I am down for the new Evil Dead!” 

My intent was to prove that I was in fact not a purist by admitting that I saw a B action movie by myself on a Friday night. But now that I think about it, this actually makes me more of one than I initially realized! Action movies today rely too much on cgi to make them cool when in reality all you need is a tough guy who says bad ass things like “we’re gonna find em and then we’re gonna kill em!”;and does bad ass things like interrogating someone by beating them with a shotgun. This is what made and makes Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Charles Bronson, and even Jason Statham so awesome. They’re the tough guys you want to be like; not some 5’2” scrub like Tom Cruise or Marky Mark. Give me these dudes with tons of senseless violence, pointless explosions, and brunettes with d cups who wear tight t shirts and I’m there every time! 

Well thankfully you immediately see that Bullet to the Head has every one of these elements in it as the movie starts out with Stallone and Jon Seda executing a hit in a hotel room in Crescent City, Louisiana. And for the most part, everything goes as it should but as they are waiting to collect from the person that hired them, Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa) from Game of Thrones is waiting in the bar to kill them in a double cross. Seda is killed but Stallone fights off Drogo, who goes by the name of Keegan in this movie, to survive. As it turns out, the person Stallone and Seda took out just so happened to be a crooked cop who was the former partner of D.C. officer Taylor Kwon (you know him as Han from Fast and the Furious). Kwon for some reason decides to come down to Crescent City to aid in the investigation because he always thought that his partner was up to something big. The local police aren’t too much of a help though, so he tracks down Stallone to help him find out who was behind his partner’s death. And he uses the fact that they will also be finding the people who double crossed him as bait to reel in a reluctant Stallone who makes it known as much as humanely possible that he hates cops. You are taken through some muddled plot which eventually leads you to a get rich off of the poor scheme for the reasoning behind it all. But no one cares about the plot. All you care about is that with each layer of the plot that is revealed, Stallone gets to look mean and intimidating in his tight shirts as he beats and shoots his way to revenge. And unlike in the disappointing Parker, there is plenty of that in this movie.

You should feel guilty every time Stallone drives over, punches, shoots, and blows up every bad guy thrown his way but instead you end up literally cheering in the theater. At the tender age of 92 and with the aid of HGH he looks like he can beat you to a pulp anytime he gets good and ready to do so. And it’s because of this that some of what you see is somewhat believable. His partner Kwon plays the role of a no nonsense cop almost to the point to where you’re hoping he gets shot as well along the way. But for some reason they create this silly love story between him and Stallone’s incredibly hot hipster daughter, played by Sarah Shahi. When you buy the dvd you can see her topless if you pause the movie at the right moment but outside of that, all you get is a quick flash, which honestly is better than nothing. 

It was good to see Christian Slater having a ball in this movie, and I mean that quite literally. It felt like he was on an eight ball every time he was on screen. He looked completely at home at his clothing optional party in his mansion ; I swear he wasnt acting at all during this scene. 

Khal Drogo did a decent job as the head henchmen who killed only because he enjoyed the hunt. The three ladies on this planet that were tricked into watching this movie will swoon over him as apparently it was a prerequisite to wear smedium shirts in this movie. I give this movie a rating of FRESH as it was made specifically for action junkies. Go check it out to support the genre so we can get more like it!