Silent Hill : Revelation

Rarely do I go see sequels to movies in which I missed the original when it came out but I was bored and decided to go see Silent Hill : Revelation anyway.  And why not ? It’s Halloween and you have to see cheesy scary movies.  This review will have a mini spoiler or two in it but trust me when I say you’re not missing out on any surprises if you read this because this movie makes zero sense.

I thought  that missing the first one meant it would be impossible to understand what was going on; especially when 20 minutes into the movie I felt like Sarah Palin trying to learn foreign policy for the first time. But as they kept trying to explain the plot, I just realized that it just doesn’t make any sense. The best I could gather is that Silent Hill is this town that was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and the town’s citizens worshiped some lame god who could only come back with the uniting of a seal and the blood of this chosen girl. Well in the first one the chosen girl Heather/Alessa played by the Michelle Williams look-a-like Adelaide Clemens was rescued from Silent Hill by her mother Rose (Radha Mitchell). However Heather is still haunted by visions and dreams of Silent Hill and it’s monsters but can’t figure out why. Apparently she has no memory of her first trip there.  So the Order of whatever their stupid name was , is going from town to town trying to find Heather and lure her back to Silent Hill and this is what is causing these horrible visions.  They want to kill her to put an end to Sharon’s curse; the little girl they sacrificed for their god but who came back with a vengeance and burned the town down.  Sharon and Heather are linked because Sharon was somehow able to put the only good part of herself that remained in an orphan child for safety’s sake and that child happened to be Heather. There’s more stupidity that surrounds this but you get the general gist of it. 

While the plot is ridiculous the movie as a whole isn’t bad. The monsters are freaky and there’s some random twisted gore that pops up. There’s plenty of jumpy moments but most of those fall flat because of terrible set up from both a director’s stand point and from the lame score.  One of the coolest parts is Red Pyramid, who is a rip off from the Resident Evil giant henchmen Axeman.  He ‘s this giant of a killing machine who carries around a giant dagger and the end of a spear and chops up everything in sight. He is Sharon’s personal bodyguard and figures in most of the cool action scenes. There’s also a cool scene with a bunch of evil busty blind nurses who rely on sound to hack up anything in ear shot crate havoc while doctors are trying to operate on Jon Snow from HBO's Game of Thrones.

For some reason Heather is able to defeat and join with Sharon through the power of love; but if you’re going to do that at least give a shout out to the movie Krull or throw in some Huey Lewis over that scene. Admit it, you’re singing the Power of Love right now.  Plus why not have Heather get naked at some point. Michelle Williams did in Brokeback Mountain. Who by the way looks like a more in shape Carey Mulligan when she’s naked.  And is it sad that that is the first movie that comes to mind  when I think of her? I had to remind my buddy that both she and Anne Hathaway got naked in that film.  If you had to make a top three tiny blonds in Hollywood who would yours be? 

Anyway, even though this is a bad film, I liked it. And for that I give it a rating of BARELY WEAK!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsFtEqnyWYY