Celeste and Jesse Forever

I am known for purposely creating awkward and weird situations simply for the fact that I think these types of situations are funny to me. So as a result of this I am awful person to date. For example, I took this country white girl to see the awful remake of Guess Who, the Bernie Mack version of Guess Whose Coming to Dinner with Ashton Kutcher. I thought that this alone was funny and somewhat stereotypical  in this day and time for multiple reasons but it gets better. There is a scene in there where the Kutcher is running off quite a few racist black jokes to the black family trying to fit in. The entire time I am dying laughing at the jokes but she was a bit apprehensive. Should I laugh and have him think I am racist too or do I just sit here uncomfortable and pray that this horrible scene is over soon? And of course I give her absolutely no indication that it’s ok for her to also enjoy this one bright moment in the movie, so she just sits there squirming wondering why she never listened to her father  in the first place when he warned her about dating black guys.  Somehow I still got laid after this but the relationship didn’t last very long. Maybe it’s because I took her to too many Bernie Mack movies.  Oh well, I have far worse examples than this but in hopes of ever getting a date again I’ll just stop with this story.

So I guess I go see dramatic romantic comedies in hopes of seeing someone who is actually worse than I am in their handling of relationships. This of course is an attempt to make myself feel better. Celeste and Jesse Forever was getting a lot of hype from the indie movie festival circuit and it does have Rashida Jones in it, so naturally I see it opening week.

This movie is about two best friends who are married, spend almost every waking moment together, and still share inside jokes in public. This makes their friends uncomfortable because they also happen to be getting a divorce.  One night at dinner when their best friends who are about to get married themselves confront them on this they finally begin to wonder if their situation is healthy for them.  It isn’t until Jesse(Samberg) goes on a date that they question whether or not they are handling things the right way. So naturally Celeste(Jones) gets drunk and does something that she convinces herself she regrets and things start to fall apart. And that’s what this entire movie is, scene after scene of both Celeste and Jesse getting themselves into situations that drives them further apart from each other when you can clearly see that that is not what they want. So there you are, the viewer watching this unfold as if it’s your friends doing this to each other because they are too stubborn or just too dumb to realize what the final outcome will be.

Now there are several funny moments in the movie, including almost every date that Celeste goes on.  Trust me, if you think you’re weird these guys will remind you that the land of Los Angeles clearly has you beat. So to help her cope with all of the issues she starts to smoke a lot with their friend Skillz who is a weed dealer who is also deciding between upping the ante by selling narcotics and becoming a grade school teacher. Meanwhile Samburg  is a toned version of his SNL self but the old people in the audience still don’t get him. So I was the only one laughing at him while the artsy fartsy old people looked at me in disgust. There is a particularly funny reoccurring joke with him and Celeste where they find penis shape objects and physically please them together. Yes, it is as weird as it sounds.

The only thing about this movie is, if you’re looking to escape into fantasy land, this may not be the movie for you. It’s just a funny look at how dumb we can be in how we handle real life situations and our emotions that accompany them. I rate this movie as FRESH but if you’re looking for a You’ve Got Mail type of moron fest you might not enjoy it.

Premium Rush

I have been ill for the past few days and I don't mean the good kind either. I have been coughing bacteria into the unsuspecting world as opposed to having people tell me "that was ill son!" at the end of one my freestyle rhymes. So as a result, I have friends texting me on a Friday night saying things like "We are eating snails and dancing to Daft Punk at Justine's" or they are taking photos of cute girls wearing their bedazzled hats on their heads. Great! I am about ready dive head first off of my apartment building while reading the awful 50 Shades of Grey just to add further pain to my weekend! Well as it turned out I chose to see the movie Premium Rush on a Friday night as opposed to inhuman death.

I love riding my mountain bike probably more than I should and I get the brotherhood that exists between riders but even I couldn't get past the cheesiness of this movie. Don't get me wrong, this movie does offer a special treat in the form of cycle vision which is both ridiculous and awesome at the same time. It's a weird mix of the unforgettable Meet Joe Black death scene and the Sherlock Holmes future vision that Downey Jr uses in fights. Or if you need another example, my best friend's personal favorite Numbers vision in that awful show on CBS called Numbers. Anyway, he uses cycle vision to predict which routes will lead to death, serious injury, or safety and this is what makes him the best bicycle messenger in New York.

Now if the movie was just about this it might have been alright. But instead it adds in this lame story of some stupid receipt that needs to be delivered to Chinatown in an hour and a half or there will be serious repercussions as a result of it being late. And for some weird reason this odd ball cop keeps chasing Joseph Gordon-Levitt through the busy streets of Manhattan for it.The story takes place over a 4 hour period and they chop it up and present it in a non linear fashion to try and add intrigue but ultimately the lameness seeps through. To their credit, the actors do the best they can with the material they have but if you have never actually seen Michael Shannon in anything please don't let this be your first experience. He is brilliant in Take Shelter and Boardwalk Empire but he just looks embarrassed to be collecting a check for this movie. Also it's good to see Dania Ramirez and her mammories getting screen time.

I didn't hate this movie. As a matter of fact I was actually quite entertained by it but it's definitely a B movie with a low level A list actor starring in it. So this is the only reason why it got a theatrical release. I rate it as kind of WEAK and suggest seeing it if you're on a date with a girl who thinks that Lady Gaga is the next Joni Mitchell.

The Imposter

Lonestar Beer : The National Beer of Texas! The sad thing is that many people in this state would actually be very happy if Texas was allowed to secede from the rest of the U.S. and was it's own country. But seeing as how we have to celebrate Juneteenth, the fact that our great state was forced to tell it's slaves 3 years after the fact that they were freed, this would be an awful idea. As a matter of fact I am sure that if Texas was allowed to be independent that slavery would still be legal here.Austin would be the new Canada for slaves to escape to through the new underground railroad. The Ghetto Boys and Mike Jooooones would been the modern day Sojourner Truth and Bushwick Bill would be giving "Can You Dig It" speeches in the 5th Ward!

Don't get me wrong, I love Texas but it's full of backwards hicks that think that the Katrina evacuees don't want to leave Houston and go back home because it's just a nicer ghetto than what they left. Ok, so they might have gotten that one right but on everything else they are as wrong as going deer hunting for a first date. Yes I know a few people that have done this.

The point is, the latest documentary The Imposter shows you yet another scary side of Texas. It starts off by playing a 9-11 call of a couple who says they have a found a young boy in the streets of Spain who has no I.D., is alone, and will not talk. This is 3 years after the disappearance of a 13 year old boy from San Antonio whose family has all but given up on him being alive and just want to know what happened to him at this point. Normally there would be no connection between the two but the family get's word that the boy claims to be their son who was kidnapped 3 years ago and now it appears that their prayers have been answered. Well you soon learn that the "boy" they found is a professional con artist Frederic Bourdin who is actually 25 years old, speaks with a French accent, and really just looking for a new start in life.

While he does share some physical similarities with their son, anyone who has the least amount of common sense would know that this kid is not their son. I mean, he speaks with a French accent!!! But he is able to fool the authorities by not speaking much and blaming his physical changes to the fact that he was sexually molested and beaten for years and that he and the other kids were punished for speaking in their native tongues. This coupled with the fact that the family seemed so adamant about the fact that this was indeed their son/sibling they released Frederic into their custody.

Pretty ho hum, standard documentary to this point until the FBI decides to interview him. Within minutes they realize that he is not who he claims he is and informs the family of this. They tell them not to show up to the airport as they are basically bringing him back to San Antonio to detain him while they continue to investigation but lo and behold guess who is there to greet him and take him back in?

Are they really that desperate to believe that Frederic is their lost relative or are they trying to hide something? This is where the weirdness kicks up a level and you start to get freaked out and completely drawn into the story. I wont ruin the rest of the doc for you but just know that I left the theater pricing the next flight out of this state! I would rate this movie as definitely FRESH and suggest that you pop in.

Anoraak

Maybe it's because I don't play video games anymore but it didn't it seem like video games in the late 80's and early 90's were the best? I know that you can basically decapitate a car jacker while banging a prostitute in games these days but that's just a weird reflection of how desensitized we've become to violence as opposed to actually being cool. Pacman, RBI Baseball, Contra, Pole Position, Duck Hunt, and of course Centipede will never be beat. Is it because of their graphics? Of course not; it was all about the music that was playing when you were chasing down ghosts or hitting home runs. Whenever my brother and I are watching a baseball game, all we do is hum the song to RBI Baseball. Play this online if you haven't already. Best sports game ever behind Techmo Bowl of course.

There was something simple, catchy, and dancey about video game songs then and even 80's movies started to picked up on this. The scenes in Revenge of the Nerds where they punch random keys  and cartoon characters magically appear on their computer screen and kiss were all set to cool video game music. Every hacking scene in Real Genius had this as well.

Why am I bringing this up? Because Anoraak's EP Night Drive With You is basically this music with lyrics. It's simple repetitive keys, bleeps, and drum beats that pulsate through head until you're hooked. When you first hear it you think to yourself, this is kind of fruity. But after a few minutes you find your self tapping your feet and the next thing you know you've got the full blown Buffalo Bill(Silence of the Lambs) tuck going on while dancing. And seeing them live is no different. You try your best to keep from dancing but the energy and tight live sound these frenchies bring to the stage makes it impossible to stand still. All I could think of while dancing was this music reminded me of Weird Science. I kept waiting for a naked Kelly Lebrock to pop up but sadly that never happened. Maybe I should've been wearing my underwear on my head. Check out Endless Summer, Never Ending Romance Disaster, and Nightdrive With You on this album.

The second release Wherever the Sun Sets sounds more like the cheesy prom scenes from 80's movies. It's similar in style to his EP but songs like Cant Stop and Taste Like Cherry are more focused on body movin rather than a specific love in Nightdrive. What's great is it's not just Anoraak on a laptop playing recorded music made on his pc but it's an actual show with guitars, keys, and drums. And what's reproduced live actually sounds better than what's recorded in the studio. I actually prefer the EP to his latest effort but there's something to be said about music that reminds me of Just One the Guys. Buddy showing up to prom in a tuxedo t-shirt and jeans and the scene where you see Teri's boobs for the first time are forever ingrained in your head. And honestly who secretly doesn't want their best friend to have the biggest female boobs ever created? I rate these guys as FRESH!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mswxgiiPKF8&feature=BFa&list=ALHTd1VmZQRNr9yDnW8aO_HMrIPeMSl6CU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFBVLIx50IM&feature=BFa&list=ALHTd1VmZQRNr9yDnW8aO_HMrIPeMSl6CU

Killer Joe

So the day after I see one of the weirder endings to a film ever, the news breaks out that Zhang Ziyi has been prostituting herself to local Chinese officials and has earned up to 100 million dollars! 100 million dollars??? I mean she certainly is crazy cute as the bratty kung fu queen in Rush Hour 2 and Crouching Tiger but is that really worth 100 mill? Well the answer is...yes of course she is! Are you kidding? We could reenact scenes from Rush Hour and she can be my hot groupie at illegal street drag races. And we'd do other things too of course. But why do I bring this up? Because it is just as random and disturbing as the movie Killer Joe.

 William Friedken (the director) did it right with French Connection and The Exorcist but lately his movies are just ok at best. So when you see Matthew Mcconaughey yelling "you know i'll kill you right?" in the previews, you cant help but snicker a bit because well, it's Mcconaughey. I mean, has there been a  performance that was more unintentionally funny than Matty M's in A Time to Kill? He looks so confused when he's spitting out lawyer jargon, you just know that he had to smoke 3 bowls before each scene to keep his head from literally spinning. But I love Gina Gershon and Emile Hirsch, so I decided to give it a shot.

It starts off as a pretty standard crime caper. It's about a dysfunctional white trash family in Texas whose last name doesn't rhyme with tush. And we are immediately introduced to Chris (Hirsch) who is being hunted by the local drug lord because of money he owes him. So he reaches out to his father (Thomas Hayden Church) about a scheme to have his mom killed so that they can collect the insurance money. They eventually agree to reach out to Joe (Matty M) who is a local detective who also does knock off jobs on the side. But once Joe realizes that they can't pay his fee upfront he proposes that they give him Chris's innocent and naive sister Dottie (Juno Temple) as his sex slave until they can pay up. Given the fact that everyone in this movie is total slime with the exception of Dottie, they of course agree to to it. And this leads to a very uncomfortable scene where she loses her virginity to Joe. Well if you like twisted things like this in movies, this is just the start. Because from this point on things start to unravel and you begin to see what separates this film from any normal made for tv movie that's played on LMN. How many Not Without My Daughter movies can you make?

This movie got the death nail from the ratings board with it's NC-17 so it's only getting a limited release but you can totally see where the rating came from. The first time you see Gina Gershon, it's not her face you see but her um other asset that men ultimately are interested in. The final confrontation scene which lasts about 20 minutes had to be toned down just to get it a theatrical release. It's so out there and weird that it will sway you one way or the other. You will walk out loving it or freaked out so much that you hate it. Most of the people in my theater fell into the latter. I however sat through all of Hills Have Eyes and Hills Have Eyes 2 when most people walked out in the first 10 minutes so naturally I loved it. I give this movie a rating of FRESH if for no other reason than I got to see Juno Temple naked. I've been following her since Year One and Greenberg so this felt like a reward for all of the money and time I invested.

***spoiler alert***

So I am fairly certain that the chicken Matty M makes Gershon suck on forever was initially supposed to be his member but there's no way this movie would've been released in the theater if it had been. So instead we get the strange scene that was shot and you either laughed at the absurdity of it or you bought into the fact that Joe was really that messed up. And finally all of thew evil and corruption got to poor Dottie and she eventually went down to everyone else's level...or did she?