Transformers: The Last Knight

As I prepare for and recruit as many reluctant to admit their actual fans as I can to go with me to see the band Bush this coming Sunday, I can’t help but come to the sad realization that I fall into the same pathetic bucket as the rest of the world. For some reason we all hold on to things for far too long simply because we’re too scared to leave what we know for something better. This applies of course to everything from relationships to jobs. And to help us stay in our comfort zone, we tend to only focus on the good parts or memories of what is holding us back even if the last good thing was called Sixteen Stone and was released over 20 years ago! I just keep singing to myself "I don’t wanna comeback down from this cloud" to help me ignore the fact that they keep throwing garbage at me, which includes a terrible acting performance by Gavin Rossdale in the movie Constantine.

Well this has to be only reason why people keep seeing Michael Bay movies. I mean, I get it; The Rock and Bad Boys are classics and will forever hold a soft spot in my heart but again, that was over 20 years ago! But for some reason we keep flocking out to see his terrible and nonsensical films as if they’re going to take us back to the golden years. When are we going to realize that we are in an abusive relationship and move on to something better like Wes Anderson? Sure he’s a bit nerdy and a little quirky but he’s safe and guaranteed to make us laugh.

But no, we are content to stay with Bay even though he’s thrown a racist representation of black people at us under the guise of transforming hatchbacks, and most notably, forced us to hear that awful Aerosmith song I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing (from the movie Armageddon) for at least 5 years. If that doesn’t make you run for the hills, nothing will!

Well I hate to say it, but despite the fact that the first four Transformers movies sucked balls, there I was trying to hype my friends up for Transformers The Last Knight. "Dude, it has a sword wielding Marky Mark and a sword wielding Optimus Prime in it! What’s not to like?" It’s official, I’ve hit rock bottom and I need help.

At least the first four Transformers had one or two over the top action scenes in them that made if feel as though they were worth the price of admission. Sure, you had to sit through 2 hours of awful acting and dialogue to get to them but hey, I equate that to going on a date with a dumb girl who just so happens to have a huge rack. The payoff at the end is worth it every single time!

Well The Last Knight is like going out with a dumb girl who thinks that she’s smart and is really only wearing a wonder bra under that sweater. You sit through two hours of superficial nonsense while spending way too much money on dinner, only to realize that at best you’re going to be motor boating a pair of bee stings by the end of the night! Sorry for the crass reference but Michael Bay does that to me!

In The Last Knight they decided to try and have a real plot to this movie but failed miserably. There’s very little fighting between Transformers and the action that you do get is half assed at best. Instead you’re stuck listening to Sir Anthony Hopkins spit out terrible lines about how the Transformers have helped mankind all throughout history. They show or talk about how they helped Lancelot and Merlin the Magician, as well as how they helped such pioneers like Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman. Yes, you read that correctly, apparently the Underground Railroad was a shit talking Transformer whose mixtape was just about to drop. Transformers for life; it’s muuuurrrrddeeeerrr!

I could go on and on about how this was easily the worst Bayformers of the franchise but I think you get the point by now. Instead, I will plea to you to help one another escape the death grip Michael Bay has on our time and our wallets and ask you to boycott his films from now on. Transformers gets a rating of WACK!