Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Given the rampant jungle fever that exists in our world today, there should now be a new race box to check on all government, job, or college application forms called Beige. I mean let’s be real, the first time slave master Jimbo laid eyes on Sally and that big ole badonkadonk of hers in the cotton fields of Texas, it was a wrap for all pure bloodlines as we knew it back then! And it’s because this new translucent race exists today, that the phrase Black Don’t Crack, should be a familiar one to all walks of life. But if you somehow live under the abandoned siding of an old construction unit in the hills in Tennessee and have never heard this saying before, it basically means that Black people look way younger than they actually are.

Well thankfully this is something that exists in my family as I am about to turn 86 years old this coming spring yet I somehow still look and act like I’m 26! Ok, so my knees may hurt the next day after entering a mosh pit and I now get cranky when someone has told me they’ve never actually heard a Nirvana song, but for the most part, everything else remains pretty much the same. And it’s because of this that you can see how some out there might become a bit envious of this inherited trait.

Well I think this new black don’t crack envy is causing some movie studios to change the way they make films today. They tried to warn us with the half live action/half CGI film The Congress, where Hollywood basically took all of an actor’s movements, personality traits, and emotions and bottled them up in the CGI version of said actor. And once they did that, the actor could essentially live forever in the movie world and never have to set foot on set again.

Now this is great for the movie goer but not so great for the actor. I promise I wont give away any spoilers but just know that there are quite a few characters from the original Star Wars trilogy that play prominent roles in Rogue One. And yes, I know what you’re thinking. How is that possible??? Aren’t they 125 years old now? Well the answer is yes but thanks to CGI they still look like their original selves. And I have to say that that is awesome!

Rogue One has the same old storyline that we’ve seen over and over again at this point but thankfully they do throw a few wrinkles in to help keep it from being stale. The evil Empire has plans to build the Death Star and it’s up to this not so random rebel (although she’s not a part of the Rebellion) to help the Rebellion find the man that’s responsible for building it. Can they convince her to help them in time? Will finding the master engineer even make a difference? Will 96 year old Billy Dee Williams break out some Colt 45 and seduce the new young heroine? I guess you’ll just have to pop in and see for yourself, but know going in that this is easily the best Star Wars film since Return of the Jedi.

Yes, I liked The Force Awakens but it honestly felt like they tried a little too hard with that film, and rightfully so. Plus, let’s not forget the fact that it was basically A New Hope but with different actors. Rogue One however, felt like it was its own animal. And I have to give all credit to writer and reshoots director Tony Gilroy (The Bourne movies) for this. There’s so much freshness that happens in this movie that I can’t even begin to talk about it here without getting death threats from every nerd in the universe. But just know that the film basically ends with a 40 minute action scene! All of the acting is solid in this film and I don’t think there’s a badder man on the planet right now than Mads Mikkelsen.

Go see it, if for no other reason, than to hear Forrest Whitaker’s high pitched grunts as he does his best impersonation of the bad guy from Mad Max: Fury Road. I rate this film as very FRESH!