This is real stuff y’all. However If I ever do get real money one day, I’ve already decided that I’m going to be the straight version of Tom Ford. If you live in a vacuum and have no clue who he is, he’s a fashion icon who has enough loose cash lying around that he’s able to turn his wet dreams into feature films. I don’t know if you ever saw his debut film, A Single Man, but all it was, was the tale of an aging college professor, who after he divorces his wife, starts dating his young, fit, and highly impressionable male students. Which is ok I guess, but all they do is walk around his apartment shirtless and giggle 50% of the time (at least that’s how I remember it), and he somehow tricked the Academy into giving Colin Firth an Oscar nomination for starring in it.
Well here’s to hoping that I can one day get my wet dream of forming an old man punk band that bangs nothing but hot Jessica Alba clones in the tour van, made into an instant indie classic. It’ll be great; I can achieve my lifetime goal of getting into Hollywood and at the same time, get Jessica Alba that elusive hardware that’s been avoiding her for her entire career! But knowing my luck, all I’ll end up doing is passing out on my buddy’s floor next to my drum kit and an old edition of Maxim magazine while attending one of his lame dinner parties! But even if that’s all I end up achieving, it’ll still be more entertaining than watching a Ford film. Just because you got bored one year and took a film class at NYU, doesn’t mean you can make good movies, dude!
It had been a while since he made A Single Man, and honestly it felt like he spent his entire time off studying the work of Steven Soderbergh (Traffic, Ocean’s 11) and Nicolas Winding Refn (The Neon Demon) to get ready for his next effort. But sadly, after he made his return with Nocturnal Animals, the end result fell well short of anything those two talented artists have ever done. And yes, that even includes Oceans 13.
Animals is the ridiculous story of Susan Morrow (Amy Adams) and her estranged relationship with Tony Hastings (Jake Gyllenhaal). Susan is a once successful but now struggling artist who lives in LA with her douchebag husband, who also appears to be struggling in the business world. It is apparent to anyone with a pulse that she is unhappy but she tries her best to keep up appearances in order to save face.
Well one day while her husband is away cheating on her, she gets a manuscript in the mail from her ex-husband Tony, with a note attached to it that says she was the inspiration behind it. It also mentioned that he was in town and that he would love to see her. And while she is intrigued by the idea of seeing him again, she decides that it would be a good idea to read the script first.
Well as she reads it, she feels an instant connection with the story as it obviously includes some personal elements of their relationship in it. The story is of a man and his wife and daughter taking a road trip to Marfa, Texas so that he can gain the inspiration he needs to finish his book. But as they travel late at night, they run into this car full of drunken hooligans who essentially run them off the road. And after a seemingly never ending interaction between the unscrupulous men and Tony, they wind up driving off with his wife and daughter while he’s stuck with one of the remaining losers who has some specific instructions for him to follow. From this point on the story takes a rather violent turn as you get see Susan’s reaction every step of the way through. Is this a recap of events that happened to them in the past? Is it a veiled threat on her and her current family? Or is it something else?
Now in the hands of a capable director and storyteller, this might have been a quality film. But as it stands, it came off more like a Tuesday afternoon soap opera. Every time the story got too intense, Ford would cut away to Susan gasping and biting her lip as the dramatic music would rise to a crescendo. Or she would throw her book at the mere thought of a violent attack. And these so called violent attacks were so unbelievably over the top that it felt like you were watching a Ren and Stimpy episode from the Simpsons.
If this was the early 80’s and made for tv films were still in, Ford would be a shoo-in for an Emmy nomination. But thankfully those dark times are behind us and we now know the difference between crap and good film making. And shame on all of my counterparts out there for shamelessly giving this film a good rating with the hopes that Ford will throw them some free gear from time to time. Most of them are too fat to fit in his clothes anyway! I give Animals a rating of unbelievably WACK!
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