Jason Bourne

Nothing can keep old men up past their bedtimes like Jason Bourne and girls with names like Misty Rain and Snowy Peaks can. Thankfully all of those disgusting theaters are shut down for the most part now so I’m obviously talking about experiencing the former first hand this past Thursday night. When I first sat in my chair I thought I was in a hospital’s nursery from all of the Johnson and Johnson’s baby power I smelled around me, but I soon realized that it was nothing more than the essence of Grandpa Death as I took in my surroundings. Within the first few minutes of the movie starting I was already having to deal with creepy old dudes crawling all over me to get to the restroom because they couldn’t control their bladders. One poor gentlemen had to get up so many times that I’m certain he only saw a third of the movie, but considering the fact he got in with the senior citizen’s discount, he still got his monies worth.

It didn’t take long for me to notice that I was clearly the youngest person in the theater and it was also at that moment I realized that I have officially become my dad. I party way too much for someone my age, I make references to things that I used to do in a previous President’s era, and I apparently get overly excited to see old men fight in movies! It didn’t help matters that my idiot friend kept leaning over to either complain or tell me corny jokes all throughout the film. "I’m so excited to see Bourne Again: the Neon Damon!" or "Even his memories require a shaky cam!" I guess when you get old you can only process so much information at one time, so if you’re above the age of 30, I would suggest avoiding modern day action films as they mostly contain nothing but shaky cam shots (and no that’s not yet another reference to porn).

But once my senses got used to the smell of baby oil and the rustling sounds of Depends undergarments, I finally settled in to the Bourne movie we’ve all been waiting for. Matt Damon and director Paul Greengrass have said all along that the only thing that would bring them back to the franchise was an incredible script; well the story wasn’t incredible but it certainly did pack a punch (pun intended). The story apparently picks up a few years after Bourne’s daring escape from New York and we find him fighting illegally on the streets for money to stay off the grid and to make ends meet. He seems as if he no longer has a purpose or a direction in life ever since he regained the majority of his memory back and he’s now simply going through the motions until he eventually dies.

That is until an old connection of his, Nicky Parsons (the dusted off Julia Stiles), approaches him with more information about his past. She initially hacked into the CIA files to expose their latest lethal project called Ironhand but in the process found out the truth behind who Bourne’s dad really was and why the CIA was looking into recruiting Bourne. The CIA, led by its new director Robert Dewey (Tommy Lee Jones) and up and comer Heather Lee (Alicia Vikander), catch wind of this and are on a mission to either bring Bourne in to reprogram him or to eliminate him.

Well as you would expect Bourne must make the connection between this new information on his dad and his connection to the old Treadstone program before the CIA and their expert assassin get to him. And in the process there are plenty of explosions, hidden agendas, double crosses, intense fighting scenes and of course car chases to entertain us all until he does. Director Paul Greengrass provides us with one of the best chase scenes I’ve seen on film in a while as Bourne and the CIA rip through Las Vegas and its legendary casinos with a SWAT Hummer and a Dodge Charger. And even if you are old you should still be able to follow all the action in the fight scenes through the shaky cam while taking in the fact that at age 45, Damon is still in incredible shape.

The story has the same feel and pace as its predecessors did and all the newbies, especially Vikander, certainly hold their own when it comes to sharing screen time with the now legendary Bourne. Bourne doesn’t talk much but he still has his super secret agent skills that we’ve all come to love, even though you can totally tell at times during the movie that he’s a bit rusty or a simply out of practice; see his attempt to recreate the ‘throw dead body from a significant height and follow him down while you land on top of him trick’ from the first Bourne movie.

It took nine years but Damon finally returned and when he did he certainly delivered and it’s because of this that I give Jason Bourne a rating a pretty FRESH! And as the television ads would say "You know his name. Put some Speck on his name" (in Birdman voice).