Hardcore Henry

I remember back in the day when the two roommates I lived with were not only going through their hardcore nerd phase but at the same time were slowly transitioning into their new stoner personas. Every morning these two would wake up, smoke a huge bowl, listen to Kool Keith’s Master of the Game, and then immediately follow that up by playing first person shooter games like Quake into the wee hours of the night. This was when I first moved to the city of Austin, and back then, it seemed like everyone I met was going through a similar transition. So I thought this kind of oddball behavior was pretty standard fare for this once pseudo sleepy town.

Things got so deep that they would participate in these online tournaments and would then have their friends come over to watch replays of the games they just played. Again I just want to reiterate that they were watching video game replays with one another. So it was nothing for them to sit there and watch 90 minutes of violent action through the eyes of the person that’s inflicting pain on others while trying to avoid it themselves.

Now I said all of this to try and explain why a movie like Hardcore Henry was not laughed at when the filmmakers brought it to the studio heads for approval. And the only logical explanation is that it was made for all the nerdy stoners out there who still happen to live in Austin and in Portland. Now unfortunately for the rest of us normal folk, we had to listen to all of the glowing reviews of these nerds and in the process were somehow duped into seeing what was considered to be a revolutionary action movie. I mean I even saw some cute girl get tricked into seeing this film with her chubby boyfriend the other night.

But once the credits started rolling, I am 100% certain that said boyfriend will be at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and IKEA every weekend for the next month straight after walking out of this awful debacle. Listen, if there is anyone who enjoys nonstop and senseless violence on screen it’s certainly me. But at some point there has to be a decent story that surrounds the violence and helps make what is actually transpiring on screen somewhat memorable. Don’t get me wrong, they do try and provide some shell of a story but I’m sure you’ll be able find a narrative with more depth in the last few Call of Duty games than you will here.

At some point the shaky cam violence just gets old and you really don’t care that he just cut the head off of another faceless and nameless bad guy. Beating Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out was cool and all but I really don’t remember the details of any of those fights. And why is that you ask? It’s because I had no personal connection with either Mike or my wimpy little boxer. Well the same theory applies to our "hero" Henry and his bout with the supposedly supernatural villain Akan, otherwise known as pale Kurt Cobain. You don’t connect with either one of the characters and neither one of them seems particularly cool. In fact, every time Cobain came on screen you were once again reminded why this movie sucked.

Now there are a few scenes that are pretty cool, like the time you see Sharlto Copley’s character stop in the middle of a gun fight to do a couple of lines of blow while being surrounded by beautiful hookers. But sadly these scenes were few and far between. I do give the filmmakers credit for attempting something new but that’s where I draw the line. This movie is garbage and I give it a rating of really WEAK!