Transformers : Age of Extinction

The buddy of mine who I drag with me to see most of the terrible movies that I review says that he will never see another Michael Bay movie again under any circumstances. And considering the fact that 60% of the movies we've seen this year are almost unwatchable, I think that's pretty ridiculous. Off the top of my head I can think of at least three directors that are far worse than the Bay: Rob Reiner, McG, and whoever directed The  Scorpion King. I know that Reiner made the Princess Bride and Chuck Russell (Scorpion King) made the Eraser but neither of those movies are as fresh as Bad Boys or The Rock. Look, it's easy to see that Bay is a total hack but you cannot say that he doesn't give you your monies worth. All of his movies are full of hot women, explosions, and mass destruction; and just when you think he cant get any more over the top, he throws a flying Autobot through The Sears Tower in slow motion just because he can. I mean come on, the only real complaint you can have here is that he took away the obligatory Jerry Bruckheimer guitar solos that he always used to play over these awesome scenes (see any pre 1997 Bruckheimer film).

Again, I want to reiterate the fact that I think that Bay is a total hack and that he does indeed suck as a director but I cannot help but see his movies in the theater as they are the perfect example of what you want in a summertime popcorn flick. If you want mindless entertainment, he's your man. The first Transformers served as a weed out course for those with above average intelligence; meaning that if you actually paid to see the second one then you were just the idiots that they were targeting in the first place (raising my hand). The technology wasn't quite there to properly show how these robots transform but now that it is, it's actually kind of cool to see them undergo their change. It's exactly what you expected from a live action Transformers movie as a kid, and I'm sad to say that Bay was the one who brought that dream to life. The problem is, he's Michael Bay and he is in love with himself and his achievements, so he makes all of his movies way too long. The poor kids who were crazy excited to see this movie at the start were all borderline comatose by the two hour mark of the movie; so keep that in mind when taking your little ones to see it.

The plot? Haa! How dare you ask for a plot in a Bay movie! They start the movie off with all of these signs that read "Remember Chicago: Report any Alien Activity". How cute, he thinks that people actually remember what happened in his previous forgettable films. He should start each sequel like a weekly television show; "last time on the idiot's vision of Transformers..." In this installment they replace Shia Ladouche with struggling inventor Cade Yaeger (Marky Mark). Now I'm not the biggest fan of Marky Mark but he certainly does bring an upgrade in regards to acting chops and screen presence when compared to the Ladouche. He's funny as the overprotective father of his daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) who is secretly dating an Irish professional car racer in Shane (Jack Reynor). Even though she's a stick figure(iron board backside, straight up straight down) she's definitely easy on the eyes; and Reynor is just simply awful as he is supposed to be Irish but his accent is a dead on impression of an Australian.

Again, you're not here for the acting, or the plot really, but let me try and explain it to you anyway. Cade picks up an old broken down truck from a random collector and while working on it discovers that it used to be a Transformer. The CIA catches wind of the fact that he has indeed found Optimus Prime and are willing to kill him and his daughter in order to capture Prime because the corrupt head of the CIA (Kelsey Grammer) has a deal with a mysterious alien robot. This mystery robot may or may not also be linked to the extinction of dinosaurs on our planet but we'll deal with that later. Grammer is also working with a technology development corporation that is using old alien parts from the previous wars between the Autobots and Decepticons to devise a way to create their own Transformers that they can control. As you can imagine, something goes horribly wrong during the developmental stages and once again Earth is caught in the middle of a war between random aliens and robots.

By far the coolest part of the movie is when the robot dinosaurs finally show up; its just that you have to either still be awake or even interested in the movie at that point because it's soooo long! Bay actually does some cool things with them that I wont ruin for you here. Also every fight scene is entertaining as they spare no expense when it comes to destroying city after city. And each scene somehow out does the next; to the point that you think that Bay can't possibly get any louder or bigger in this movie. But it's like you can read his mind as the movie goes on "Now what can I do? Oh yeah throw a large oil tanker in the middle of flying debris!" Thankfully he dispenses with the racist jokes this go round and for the most part stays away from his lame attempts at character development. But he does stick with his usual formula of shamelessly plugging his sponsors in the movie. I will let you laugh at these on your own but just know that the characters think that the latest models that GM has to offer are the coolest things ever!

It's way too long and a bit too douchey to be fresh but I did like it. I rate this movie as barely WEAK, and that's a tough rating for me since he did sneak in some random kung fu at the end of the movie. It's like he was reading MY mind.

Obvious Child

When you see as many movies as I do in the theater, you also happen to see the same trailer for a particular movie about a million times. And it never fails, there is always that one movie that looks absolutely awful and I tell myself repeatedly that there is no way on this green earth that I will ever see it! But as I see the preview over and over again, I gradually start talking myself into it and eventually I end up getting kind of excited about its release. It's kind of like seeing that one ugly girl at the office every day; pretty soon you no longer notice the fact that she has really big teeth and you all of a sudden find yourself thinking that she's actually kind of hot. And that's the perfect description of Obvious Child. It had the usual blurbs that you see in all previews now : "Genius" " A refreshing rom-com" "This is why we go to the movies". That alone almost drove me away; not to mention the fact that rom-com has basically become a bad word now. Whenever you see it, you instantly think that boring, trite, and unrealistic nonsense is on the horizon. But thankfully this is refreshing (I couldn't help myself) break from the norm.

Obvious Child is the story of Donna (Jenny Slate), a twenty-something year old underground comedian who lives in New York City. She gets dumped by her boyfriend in a unisex restroom immediately following one of her shows, and everything that takes place soon after this changes her life forever. One night while in the middle of her borderline self destructive grieving period, she meets what she considers to be a choir boy at the club where she performs. After having quite a few drinks and dancing off beat for a few hours, they have a rather funny one night stand together. Donna leaves without saying goodbye the next morning but a few weeks later she realizes that she is pregnant. Being a poor comedian who works in and lives above a bookstore, she immediately decides that having an abortion is what's best for her. It isn't until the day that Max (the choir boy) randomly shows up at the bookstore to ask her out on a proper date, that the thought of letting him know about the pregnancy even pops in her head. And this is where the meat of the story lies. Does he even deserve to know? Should she tell him? And if so, how? And is she even ready to allow herself to be in a relationship considering how much of an emotional wreck she is?

Well what makes this movie work is the fact that you instantly fall in love with Donna because she is this totally raw, open, and honest person; both in life and on stage. It also helps that she just so happens to be unbelievably adorable, even though she's telling jokes about vaginal discharge in women's panties and farting after a date is over. And I have to say that it feels as though this role was written specifically for Slate as she wears Donna's anxious disposition like that of a warm coat that you throw over you when it's freezing outside. Bringing out Donna's charm and quick wit just comes natural to Slate. And I know that that was a cheesy analogy but it was either the warm coat or an old man slipping into his trusty robe. I had a friend who always wore this disgusting robe with presumably nothing underneath it out to the pool every holiday; so I couldn't write about that because it just brings back these horrible memories.

Anyway, I was the only male in the entire theater and the women were eating up every word that came out of Donna's mouth. It seems as if they all had a personal connection with what she was saying and with what she was going through. I was the only idiot laughing out loud at all the really inappropriate jokes; which of course led to some angry stares from the Fiona Apple look-alikes that were sitting next to me. But I didn't care, it was cool to watch a movie that attacked a controversial issue like this in such a funny yet real manner. For the most part it stayed away from being preachy however there was one scene with the detestable Gabby Hoffman (Girls) where she's yelling about old flabby politicians and their desire to control her body. The good thing is, Donna and her best friend make fun of her for randomly yelling for no apparent reason, and in doing so they kind of reel you back into the movie experience that you were temporarily kicked out of.

What I personally connected with was how Donna handled the breakup; with her leaving multiple drunk messages on her ex's voice mail, the borderline stalking of him and his new girlfriend, and the public and rather embarrassing displays of sorrow she had. Not to mention the fact that the perfect replacement was trying his absolute best to win over her affection but she was so distraught by the recent events in her life that she couldn't focus on anything else. Now some might think that Max was too good to be true and that this would never happen in real life but they are the perfect description of my parents; one being the ultimate life of the party and the other being the devout church goer. So I've grown up my entire life seeing how complete opposites can attract, and I was able to buy the fact that these two would be drawn to one another.

There are a ton of jokes they couldn't show in the trailer and this movie exposes you to a side of women that I haven't seen since Sex and the City. Yes I watched that show and yes I am straight. It's bold, funny, and I left the theater feeling as if I had seen something original. I rate this movie as very FRESH and I suggest you check it out.

The Rover

I'm not sure what's up with the Australians and their love for crazy men who make these determined jaunts throughout the entire Outback just so they can tear stuff up and kill people, but I like it! The only Aussies that don't share in this love are Nicole Kidman (she gets a pass) and Baz Luhrmann, with his horrible MTV music videos from the 90's that pass as movies! But if you think about it, the only thing Americans really know about Australia is that it has kangaroos, Crocodile Dundee, and Mad Max; and we only know Mad Max because of Tina Turner. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if this country has more to offer than this, then they should really think about importing Spielberg to come in and film a movie about Tom Hanks getting stuck in THEIR airport on his way to Sidney! But who am I kidding? That country is full of nothing but toothless exported convicts from England, so these are the best stories they have to tell. And this is why David Michod's latest film got a fairly decent release in America.

Rover places its focus on Australia's Outback 10 years after the global economic collapse.  And this is where you meet a hardened Eric (Guy Pearce), who is simply trying to have a moment to himself when his day is interrupted by three men who are on the run. These men are arguing over the events that just took place (an apparent robbery) and the fact that one of their brothers was left behind. It's in the middle of this argument that they wreck their truck and decide to steal Eric's car. Eric notices this and immediately takes their truck to chase after them. He has no weapon of any kind but it appears that nothing will stop him from getting his car back, not even the fact that the three men confront him with their guns. As he rushes them, he is knocked out and left on the side of the road. He wakes up some time later and continues his chase after them. It is on his chase that he runs into the wounded brother that was left behind in Rey(Robert Pattinson). Realizing that Rey is his only chance to get his car back, Eric takes him to a local doctor to have his wounds healed and effectively save his life. And it is on their dangerous journey to the group's rendezvous point that Rey and Eric form an odd bond.

Now I know that on the surface this sounds like the foreign version of Dude, Where's My Car, but thankfully there's a lot more to it than that! As the movie progresses you start to get the sense that there is something about the car that's special to him, and not just the fact that he simply has a functioning one in this barren land that's full of desperate and hustling miscreants. Eric doesn't talk much and he has kind of a quick temper; you see this on full display when he is negotiating the purchase of a gun with a local and it ends in a rather bloody manner. Rey on the other hand is quite the simpleton, one who isn't really equipped to handle the line of work his brother has chosen for him. And as you get to know him, you can't help but fall in love with him because you realize that he is just the scared little brother who is looking for guidance in this dark world he's come to know.

Now I know that it's hard to believe that you can actually root for the teenage crush from Twilight who twinkles like diamonds in the daylight, but Michod gives him the opportunity to act in this movie. And I hate to admit it but he really delivers. Midway through the movie you barely notice that it's Pattinson on screen, and eventually all you see is the cool little brother that you want on your side. Also, Pearce speaking with his native accent, absolutely destroys the role of Eric. Like I said, he doesn't talk much, so most of what you learn about his character comes from his reactions to his surroundings and from his facial expressions. And honestly this is the same method that Michod uses to set the tone of the film with. He doesn't have an extended monologue from one of the characters nor does he have elaborate shots of the terrain. You can derive so much about the state of the world simply by observing the characters reactions to one another and by their general acceptance of the weird occurrences that happen on a daily basis.

And there were quite a few unexpected twists that I didn't see coming, which is rare for someone that has seen as many movies as I have. By the time you finally learn the fact that Eric's haunted past seems to be catching up with him, you are left both wounded and heartbroken. And the final few silent shots of him pretty much sums up the entire movie. If Pearce was ever cast in real roles in the US, he without a doubt would win multiple awards. I rate this movie as very FRESH!

Filth

Only in Bizarro World could I see two movies called Night Moves and Filth and neither one of them feature a star named Boobsie Collins or Max Pipes. They instead happened to be fairly decent indie films, the latter of which featuring the latest person in Hollywood to finally wake up and decide to start acting. Over the past few years we've seen this happen to Matthew McConaughey and now it appears that James McAvoy is following suit, as he no longer appears to be the scrubby wannabe soccer player that will hit on your girlfriend the second your back is turned! He's gone from being the worst part of The Last King of Scotland to being a major reason for the revival of the X-Men franchise.

In his latest film Filth he plays the role of Bruce; the corrupt and despicable cop who does any and everything he can to get promoted to Detective Chief Inspector. And he does this by manipulating everyone he comes into contact with while also being high on whatever drug is within an arm's reach. His main motivation for pursing this new role is the hope that it will help him win back his sexy and mysterious wife along with their young daughter. The only problem is he is slowly losing his grip on reality as his hallucinations are getting worse and worse and they are starting to happen more frequently as well.

Now they never fully explain what happened between him and his wife, nor do they go into much detail as to what happened to cause these weird visions of his, but they do allude to something that happened between him and a young boy that keeps popping up in his head. And as he continues to have sex with every one of his co workers' wives, along with the dizzying amount of hookers that happen to cross his path, you wonder if there is even an ounce of goodness left in this man. There are glimpses here and there but with each day he grows more and more paranoid thinking that everyone is out to get him, so he continues to deceive his co workers into believing that they are secretly out to get one another. And as he does this, you see both the pressures of his trying to get this promotion and his attempt to solve a case of the brutal killing of a young Japanese student start to take its toll on him.

Now all of this sounds pretty heavy, and it is, but this movie is based off of a book that was written by the same author of Trainspotting; and it has a similar tone and feel to it as that story did. Along with all of these trippy moments comes a ton of dark humor; in particular there is the Christmas party scene where McAvoy uses a game to have sex with one of his co worker's love interest. Let's just say that a Xerox machine was used in a rather clever manner to make this happen. The driving force behind this whole movie is McAvoy's performance; you despise the kind of person that he is but you can see that he is desperately trying his hardest to unearth the good that is buried deep inside of him. And it's because of this that the film actually works.

It was also good to see that Jamie Bell is still putting out solid performances, along with the once little girl from 28 Weeks Later, Imogen Poots.

I rate this movie as FRESH and suggest that you pop in. Of course, if I find out that McAvoy had sex with Poots while on set, I will change my rating to wack.

22 Jump Street

We all know that the sequels to surprise hit movies always suck; the list is way too long for me to talk about here but what I will focus on are the few that actually lucked up and got it right. The tallest task belonged to Terminator 2. How do you top a movie that turned Arnold into a global icon? You make him the good guy that's how!  You also realize that Linda Hamilton was actually really gross and was a part of quite possibly the worst sex scene in cinematic history, so you basically turn her character into a man in the sequel. And lastly, you give the new cyborg the ability to morph into any human it comes into contact with, essentially making him the male version of Mystique. These all turned out to be brilliant moves that helped make T2 one of the best movies ever made! Look at Lethal Weapon 2; they were forced to replace the imposing My Joshua (or Jake Busey's dad for all you kids out there) with white South Africans that hated black people and loved gold! Doesn't that describe all white South Africans, you ask? Yes it does but I would still have sex with and marry Charlize Theron. And no sequels list is complete without Die Hard 2. This movie makes it because it has the dad from Good Times in it and the edited for TV version has a Mexican man's voice dubbed over Bruce Willis' when he yells "Yippee ki yay Mr Falcon!!"

So as you can see, with some strategic tinkering you could possibly end up making one of the best action movies of all time. Well sadly 22 Jump Street doesn't fall into this category. Now I know that first and foremost it's a comedy but they also try and throw in some explosions and car chase scenes to make it an action comedy. And while they come close on both fronts, they do just miss the mark by attempting to be a little too clever at times. The plot is an exact replica of 21 Jump Street; Tatum and Hill have to go undercover to try and break up a drug trafficking ring, except this time they are in college. Now on the surface it sounds like the writers are being lazy but they are quite open about the fact that they know audiences want the same thing they saw in the original. They talk at length about sequels that try and go different directions and bomb as a result of it. They also mention the fact that they doubled the budget for this movie and even poke fun at Tatum's movie that came out last summer, White House Down. It all starts off very tongue in cheek but they just continue to go to the same joke over and over again. And that's how it is with all of their jokes; of which there are only three mind you. They make fun of how old they look over and over again and the same goes for the lame subplot of their friendship coming off a bit too much like that of a married couple's relationship.

They just beat these jokes into the ground so much that you eventually forget why you thought they were funny in the first place. Now I will say that Jonah Hill has a few good moments here and there in the movie. There's his poetry slam moment on open mic night, which sadly resembles what I used to see on a monthly basis here in East Austin. And there is also the hilarious subplot between him and Ice Cube that I will let you discover on your own. Ice Cube is once again awesome in his role and for whatever reason, he does some of his best acting in these Jump Street movies. Maybe he's just happy that he finally gets to drop F bombs again; I say it's high time for him to release another Westside Connection album. Tatum delivers on all of the action scenes, it just sucks that they felt the need to try and throw some silly jokes in the middle of a few of them that fell completely flat.

This wasn't a awful movie, it just wasn't that great either. In the end I was entertained and that's all you can ask for really, but I will have to give it a rating of kind of WEAK.

Night Moves

You could tell right away even at age 12, that Natalie Portman was going to grow up and become a fox  when she made her first appearance in The Professional, or Leon if you're a movie nerd. And the same could be said for Chloe Grace Moretz when we were first introduced to her in Kick Ass. Now please let me finish my point before you turn me in to the authorities. The point is, while these two have lived up to or are on their way to living up to their potential, the same can't be said for everyone. I thought that Dakota Fanning was going to be a sure fire star when she was appearing in nearly every movie for about a 5 year period; but as she grew up her face basically stayed the same and now she's pretty much just a tall Cabbage Patch Kid that can talk. She's in that awkward phase where you know she's an adult but man she sure does still look like she's a kid. And what's worse is, it's as if she never really matured as an actress either. As I watched her latest movie Night Moves, it felt as though she brought the same skill set with her that she had in War of the Worlds. She was actually great in that awful excuse for a movie but when you're an adult you should bring some different life experiences with you to the screen ; it seemed like I was watching that same little girl cry over not getting the crust cut off of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh well, maybe that's the issue with growing up in Hollywood, these kids never really get to be kids. Thankfully Christian Bale didn't fall victim to this, otherwise he wouldn't have become the loud grunting man that he is today. "Tell me where Catwoman is!!!"

So Kelly Reichardt directed Night Moves, and if you are familiar with her work at all, she takes her sweet time in telling a story, and depending on your personal perspective there's always somewhat of a decent payoff at the end. Well this movie is no different; this film focuses in on three environmental enthusiasts that are soon the be terrorists. They have a plan to make their biggest statement yet when they decide to blow up the local water dam that is run by a major corporation; which they feel is contributing to killing the environment. None of them have done anything on this large of a scale before but they feel as though they have planned everything to a tee and nothing will stop them from going through with it; in spite all of the obvious reasons that pop up that reflect the contrary.

You already know my thoughts on Fanning's performance in this movie and thankfully there is an assumed sex scene with her that we never actually have to see. But I think that both Peter Sarsgaard and Jesse Eisenberg do an excellent job with their characters. There's always that danger that with activists you will get these overly pretentious rich kids who have read three books in their entire lives who feel the need to regurgitate what they have read in a rather preachy manner. And you do kind of get close to this with Sarsgaard spitting out the hipster gospel "Cash; the poor man's currency" at one point. But you do get the sense that Eisenberg's character is truly fed up with what is happening around him as he walks around with this aura of revulsion and contempt with anything that opposes the environment. He barely even allows himself to enjoy what seems to be his dream job of working on a farm as he generally sulks his way through his days. Sarsgaard is the former marine who is in it simply to cause havoc. You get the sense that if they asked him to blow up a toy store he'd do it solely for the reason that Candyland wasn't on sale that week.

This movie is difficult to watch at times mainly because of the pacing; Reichardt wants to make for damn sure that you get a sense of what the characters are truly feeling and what their motives actually are. And she also to a certain extent wants you to empathize with the characters by taking the time to show you both the beautiful area they live in and the people that will be affected if things don't change for the better. The thing is, there are unforeseen consequences that occur as a result of their actions and this is when the movie really starts to pick up steam. You start to see the dark side of certain characters that they didn't even know was there and the movie begins to take on a completely different tone.

I can see why Reichardt continues to get money to make films, I just wish that she had someone else editing her stuff for her. Then again, the same could be said for this site. I rate this movie as barely FRESH but just know what you are getting into before watching. By the way, Fanning wasn't bad in this movie, I've just grown to expect more from her at this point.

Edge of Tomorrow

I don't think we will fully appreciate Tom Cruise until he is dead and gone. Sure he's a weirdo who always has that creepy smile on his face which says "Yes! I do inject my body with alien juice so that  I will forever look 30 years old!"; similar to my Colombian friend claiming that black people apply fried chicken grease to their face to accomplish the same. But regardless of how crazy he is, you always end up rooting for him and you become fully immersed in whatever drama he's involved in. He may never win an Oscar but you can never walk away from one his movies claiming that his performance was lacking. He has both the screen presence and charisma that defines what a true movie star is and he has had it for over 30 years. I know that these statements will raise a few eyebrows but just take a look at his IMDB page for a second and be honest with yourself about how you felt when you first saw those movies. It's like when everyone was hating on Michael Jackson for a while, it wasn't until he died that everyone all of a sudden remembered just how fresh Man in the Mirror was. And so the same will happen with Cruise; just like we forgot about the little kids and Mike, we will forget about Xenu and remember just how awesome Risky Business was!

By the way lucky for my Colombian friend, she was a bit tipsy and I love her to death; otherwise she may or may not have died from my throwing watermelon seeds at her ninja style, as we tend do while eating our dessert. But enough racism for one day.

In Edge of Tomorrow, Earth is under attack by an alien force that has the ability to adapt to whatever military strategy we bring at it. So Mack (Cruise) goes on a global recruiting mission to help build up our forces for one final confrontation with them just outside of London. But unbeknownst to him, his new commanding officer plans to put him in charge of the attack, which means that he would be physically on the field of battle. The problem is, Mack has never been trained for battle and tries everything he can within his power to avoid it. This leads to a confrontation between Mack and his commanding officer that eventually winds up with Mack being labeled as a deserter and forced into action as a lowly private. As you would expect, its not long before Mack dies on the battlefield but not before he meets Rita(Emily Blunt), who has become the face of the human resistance. Rita is a badass soldier who has the ability to take out hundreds of aliens with ease, thus earning her the nickname Full Metal Bitch.

But instead of death being the end for him as it is with most human beings, the second Mack dies, he immediately wakes up the day before the actual attack happened in the same exact situation as before. And everything that happened before basically repeats itself over and over again as he continues to die during each battle. No one believes him except for Rita, who during one of the attacks, tells him to look for her when he wakes up again. And it is through their teaming up and the use his knowledge of what is to come, that they work together to get closer to ending the war.

I give the writers credit for doing a fairly decent job in explaining why Mack is able to repeat each day as he does and for explaining why Rita even comes to close to believing him in the first place. And as opposed to just simply stealing ideas from previous alien invasion movies and creating a CGI diluted mess, they actually add something fresh to this genre with the alien's unique abilities. This is easily one of the best sci-fi action movies that has been made in decades! Doug Liman has thankfully ditched the shaky cam that he temporarily fell in love with and decides to film the action pretty straight. The first drop scene from the plane is breathtaking as you see a terrified Cruise thrown out  into the middle of pure chaos with attack ships, soldiers, and aliens buzzing all around him. Once he lands, it feels like you are taken back to the beaches of Normandy just like you saw in Saving Private Ryan. People are getting destroyed in brutal ways and Mack reacts in a manner that we can all identify with; and that is with ultimate fear and a desire to survive by any means necessary.

Although he does so to a certain extent just to give you a sense of the frustration and anger that eventually builds up within Mack, thankfully Liman doesn't frustrate the viewer by repeatedly showing you the same scenes over and over again. With each day, you slowly see Mack using his frustration to become more and more of a badass like Rita and he eventually becomes unrecognizable when compared to the Mack you meet in the opening scenes.

I have to admit that there were quite a few scenes that left me gasping and by the time he finally gets to the head alien, you are ready to jump in the screen and fight right along with him! Plus it was cool to see the kid from Attack the Block get some love in the US. I rate this movie as very FRESH and you suggest that you see it as soon as possible!

Maleficent

Recently there have been many moments in my life that have reminded me of the fact that I'm 84 years old. One of which is the fact that it seems like everyone that is on that stupid Tinder app is 23 or younger! Hell, even I automatically swipe left without looking at their picture when I see a woman my own age on there; notice how I didn't say "after I read their bio" because really, who does that? Anyway that's another story for another time. The most recent incident is when I went to see Maleficent starring Angelina Jolie. I remember the days when she was cast as Lara Croft in those awful Tomb Raider movies simply because she looked exactly like her; a rather buxom beauty that had the power to make you sit in a dark room for hours at a time. It's funny how some of the other definitions of buxom is 'to be obsolete' or 'to offer little resistance'; as that is the perfect definition of her and her figure today. 

I wont make fun of the fact that we can no longer take pleasure in her rather ample sized chest area, for the simple fact that she had a mastectomy to possibly save her life, and I fully respect that. Who cares about some borderline creep like me who wants to drool over a glorious D cup that I will never actually get to see in person? But what I will harp on is the fact that she's become like every other actress in Hollywood and that is a skinny waif of her former self. She looks so sickly that it was overly distracting for the first third of the film, so much so that I missed out on the cool dragon like creatures that were wreaking havoc during one of the fight scenes because all I could focus on was the Skeletor with wings! The younger generation can watch and enjoy the entire film because all they've ever known is the Skeletor with 30 random kids in her home but me, all I want is the crazy Jolie that has sex with old men like Billy Bob Thorton. Yes, I secretly hope that she will once again live out her daddy issues through me.

Anyway, for us old folks, once you get past the shock of the sickly looking Jolie you will actually be able to enjoy what is a pretty good take on a classic fairy tale. Maleficent gives you a deeper look into the background of the evil fairy that put a curse on Princess Aurora. You see the younger versions of both her and Stefan; one an inhabitant of the land of Moors and the other (Stefan) is from the land of the humans. There is peace at the time between the two lands but they are very different people; the humans are greedy and ambitious and this requires them to have a king. Whereas the land of the Moors is full of creatures that trust one another and require no leader because they are full of joy and happiness. Once Maleficent and Stefan meet one another, they instantly fall in love, but it isn't long before Stefan's desire to rule the kingdom takes over and he betrays Maleficent.

She grows bitter and angry and decides to get even with him on the day of celebration for his newborn baby Aurora. She puts a curse on her that on her sixteenth birthday she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel; putting her in a deep sleep, only to be awaken by the kiss of true love. You know how the rest goes, and for a while it actually follows the old story, that is until Maleficent decides to keep an eye on the young Aurora and eventually begins to form a relationship with her. And it isn't until the day of her sixteenth birthday where things come to a head and the ultimate battle between the Moors and the humans takes place; putting poor Aurora in between a world that she has grown to know and love and world that she barely knows but is naturally drawn to.

I glossed over some of the major changes they made to the plot because I want for you to experience them on your own. I thought they were pretty cool and worked for the most part. For a PG movie I thought the action was entertaining enough to satisfy my blood thirty palate and there were some cool looking creatures in it as well. I am cheap, so I saw it in 2D but it definitely looked like it would have been cool to see in its 3D format. The playful jokes between the three fairies and the mud fights between the frogs and Maleficent will keep your kids giggling, as will Diaval (Maleficent's raven) with his constant complaining.

For the first time in a while, there is a live action kids film that really does have something in it for every age. It seems however that the story was written by some older men and women who are still single and suffering from the dating scene in LA. It warns young boys that their selfish ambitions and needs can lead them to overlook what's truly important to them and that's the women in their life. And by overlooking and using them to get what they want, this can lead to some pretty angry and vindictive women that will hate men for the rest of their lives. But let me caution women that this movie also implies that simply having a child or essentially stealing someone else's will make everything right with the world again! Just stop it please! I've seen Raising Arizona; I know how that story ends.

I rate this movie as FRESH and suggest that you check it out.

Palo Alto

Even to those outside of the family, nepotism can certainly have its advantages, especially when you have the opportunity to experience their art as a result of it; see Sofia Coppola or The Strokes. But it can also lead to some painful experiences for both the members of the family and those outside of it; see Jaden Smith and Kelly Obama. Who is Kelly Obama you ask? Well that is my dream last name! It wouldn't even matter to me if I was just a third cousin of our President; I would use my last name to book speaking engagements all over the world! And all I would do is tell the same pointless stories that I tell here. "Today at O' Henry Middle School :Kelly Obama on Holiday Pool Parties" Why would I pollute the young minds of kids that are just going through puberty with stories of girls getting champagne poured down their throats? Well putting aside the fact that I'd be preparing these kids for life in the streets; it's so I can get groupie teachers of course! They never get to meet anyone famous; they're too busy working crazy hours and getting wasted at happy hours just so they can cope.

The point of all this is, is I was hoping that Gia Coppola would fall into the former category. Would she simply try and copy her sister's style or would she bring her own form of abstract art to the screen? I love Sophia Coppola but a lot of her films are just random beautiful shots with cool music playing over them. And it isn't until the final 10 minutes of the movie that she remembers that there's supposed to be an actual story, so she throws in a line like "let them eat cake" to try and make all of the scenes come together. Well Palo Alto has a similar feel and style to it, and at first glance could be seen as a character study; but it never quite digs deep enough into the characters to qualify, so it's more a social commentary than anything.

It's based off of James Franco's Palo Alto Stories and mainly focuses on 4 characters : April (Emma Roberts) who is the innocent virgin that lives with her stoner stepdad and self involved mom; Teddy, a talented kid who actually has a fairly normal environment at home but falls prey to peer pressure and the bad influences in his life; Emily, an attractive girl with low self esteem that feels the need to physically please every boy she comes into contact with; and finally the seemingly self destructive Fred, who is Teddy's best friend.

The story basically follows them from party to party, and as it does you see that April and Teddy have a thing for one another but due to random occurrences and poor timing they never actually hook up. So as a result they both take alternate paths that have negative consequences in their lives, one of which is an affair with a local high school teacher. You feel for poor Emily as she desperately tries to latch onto to anything that will love her back and Fred manages to equal her desperation, as his over the top jackassery is an obvious distraction from his own identity issues.

It seems as if the Coppolas are, to an extent, very adept at recreating an environment that is similar to their own upbringing. I realize that is a very big assumption on my part but I cannot imagine that growing up in a household where your dad is responsible for making maybe the greatest movies in American history, leads to a normal childhood. Their main focus is on young kids that through either life's natural experiences such as death or divorce or through choices they've made on their own, have to take on adult situations that they are just not yet equipped to handle. It may seem at the time that drinking, having sex, doing drugs, or even having parents that do recreational drugs is fun and cool; but they don't see the consequences that lie ahead. And that's mainly what this film's focus is. While Gia's style is very similar to that of her sister's, she's not quite as reliant on the film's soundtrack to aid in her storytelling. And because of this, I'm cautiously excited about what the future holds for her.

With that said, this movie is the very definition of what you call an art house film; so it's not for everyone. I give it a rating of FRESH and suggest you see it with a significant other.