Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Monuments Men

I have this annoying neighbor that lives beneath me and from the very first day that I moved in she has been texting me and filing formal complaints with the leasing office about my creaky bed. Apparently she is under the assumption that I am quite the ladies man and that I have sex every morning at exactly 7 am. Now I would have absolutely no problem with this if in fact my bed was creaky and I was having sex every morning at 7 but sadly this is not the case. I mean, I'm a guy, why would I ever lie about NOT having sex with someone unless it was to my girlfriend? Anyway, being that I'm a 12 year old at heart, after receiving yet another complaint from this person, I proceeded to get hammered at a record store party on cheap keg beer and ended up puting up a post on Facebook pleading for someone to come have sex with me just so I can annoy them. Well word must have gotten out because at 3 am that morning some hammered clown was literally trying to kick down my next door neighbor's door trying to get in. All I could hear outside of the thunderous booms was my poor neighbor trying to tell this idiot that they had the wrong apartment number.  Now whether or not this person was responding to my post, I can't be sure but they had three things going against them :  I didn't know who they were, it turned out to be a guy (not my thing), and it's like Ice Cube said in We Be Clubbin "after the club it's either breakfast or f-ing"; well I had already chosen breakfast, so they were clear out of luck!

Why do I bring up this pointless yet slightly entertaining story? Because I'm not much younger than George Clooney is and I still like being single and having fun much like he does. The only difference is he's much better looking than I am, has a boatload more money than I do, and has access to supermodels; so he should be telling far more interesting stories than tales of old men who are traveling to Europe during WWII to save art. Clooney should have a movie about him doing rails off of Lisa Snowden's chest while Sandra Bullock cleans his Italian villa while wearing a furry costume!

But once again we are stuck with someone in Hollywood who thinks they can make better career decisions for themselves than I can. Clooney, somehow conned a few studio execs into giving him money for a story that really should have been a 15 minute piece on 60 Minutes or at best an hour long documentary narrated by Gilbert Godfrey. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that, the movie Payback was really just about an angry Mel Gibson trying to get his $70k back and they managed to entertain me for 90 minutes; so with the right screenplay writer anything is possible. Well hopefully Clooney and Men Who Stare at Goats Heslov decide to put down their pens forever because they surely cooked up a snoozer.

I've already told you the plot; Sir George goes out Ocean's Eleven style and rounds up a random collection of old art snobs that he hopes can help him in preserving some of the culture that is either being destroyed in the war or stolen by Hitler and his cronies for their private collection. Hitler not only wants to destroy an entire race of people but wants to erase any proof of their existence. Now don't get me wrong, I think what these guys did was both noble and brave, and I personally appreciate it due to the fact that I love art and have been lucky enough to see some of these pieces in person. But was a feature film really necessary? And why feel the need to fill it with awful jokes that were clearly meant for a spade and neutered older generation? Every joke, with the exception of Matt Damon's awful attempts at French, fell completely flat and there weren't even any good action scenes in the movie to make up for these repeated failed attempts at humor. The one scene where you think they are up against a sniper ends up disappointing you in a major way as opposed to actually giving you something to talk about once you left the theater.

Matt Damon simply wanders around Paris for an hour of the film and doesn't even get to bang Cate Blanchett for his efforts at the end. Also, my friend had pointed out to me that Clooney in his old age has passed on using action to punk his foes in movies, he instead just talks them to death; see The Good German and Michael Clayton. Well he attempts the same here and by the time he finished his long winded speech, my buddy and I simply looked at each other and gave it a limp thumbs down.

They tried way too hard to make this movie dramatic and as a result you end up checking your watch every 15 minutes as it continues to drag and drag. I rate this movie as WEAK and suggest you go see the stupid Lego movie like the rest of the idiots that were standing in line before me. And as for my downstairs neighbor, I am going to procure a French porno, play it loudly on my blue ray on repeat, and go away for the weekend.

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