The Wolverine

At some point reality will set in for me and I will wake up and realize that I am not as young as I like to think I am. I can’t tell you how many times I will look at an older lady and say “hmm, she’s not bad looking for her age, if I were older I’d hit it” And then I come to the sad realization that she actually is my age or just a few years older. Maybe I should just move to Japan where it’s still cool to marry much younger women and once again all will be right in my world. Well as I was watching Wolverine, I realized that Hugh Jackman must be going through the same issues that I am. Every time he takes off his shirt, which is quite often as it is a superhero movie, you see that he is still in impeccable shape and he also hooks up with a young Japanese woman. Now I am not saying I’m in impeccable shape but I am saying that old men should not look the way Jackman does. He has to age at some point doesn’t he? He’s not REALLY Wolverine, he’s just acting!

It has been a few days since I have seen this movie and to be honest with you, I have already forgotten most of what happens in it. And no it’s not due to heavy drinking or taking copious amounts of drugs; it’s just that this was a pointless set up to the next installment of the X Men series.  In the opening scene, you see Wolverine being held captive in a well in the middle of a Japanese army camp ground during WW II. As the air raid sirens start to go off, a young Japanese soldier is freeing all of the prisoners before he commits their traditional and honorable suicide. Wolverine sees this and saves the man along with himself from being killed by the bombs in rather miraculous fashion. The young soldier grows up and becomes one of the richest and most powerful men in Japan. He then sends his samurai sword wielding assistant Yukio out to find Wolverine so that he can repay him. He wants to grant Wolverine mortality and peace in his life in exchange for his immortality. The soldier has teamed up with a mysterious doctor who has discovered a way to make this happen but the clock is ticking as the Yakuza are out to kill the soldier’s beautiful granddaughter.

Here is why the movie is pointless; who really cares??? The movie takes place after X Men III, the awful end to the trilogy that Brett Ratface (Ratner) directed and basically killed everyone in. So for over two hours you are forced to see Wolverine feel sorry for himself while feeling the need to protect some random Japanese girl from ninjas and the Yakuza. Somewhere along the way however, he lost the majority of his regeneration power so he isn’t quite the animal he used to be.

The few scenes that actually have ninjas doing ninja stuff is cool but the Yakuza are basically reduced to random faceless men who just get punked by Wolverine with ease. James Mangold of Girl, Interrupted fame directs this snoozer. Why you would get someone whose specialty is making lame dramas where Angelina Jolie doesn’t even get naked to direct your comic book movie is beyond me. But clearly he sucked at it as most of the action was pretty ho hum. There was one cool action scene on the train and another involving a fight between the Wolverine and a master ninja but for the most part the action just falls flat. Once the Silver Samurai finally shows up, you are already at the point to where you are simply begging the movie to end. He just looks stupid and for some reason a 100 pound Japanese woman is able to knock him over. Most of the acting in the movie is awful and there are some weird alliances that are formed that just don’t make any sense. I will explain a few of them in the spoiler section of this review.

Viper was an ok villain but when your movie is about mutants, it should involve a lot more cool mutant action than what is provided here. The best part of the movie was that Famke Janssen only appeared in flashback scenes and in every one of them, she is wearing a nightie that shows her cleavage. I don’t know about you but that’s exactly how I imagine her! Overall this movie is WEAK and  I suggest you read my spoilers and save yourself the $10.50.

***SPOILER ALERT***

I won’t give away too much as I am already bored writing about this movie but in the end, the Silver Samurai turns out to be the soldier that Wolverine saved. He didn’t die on his hospital bed after all  but for some reason, instead of being happy her grandfather is alive, she decides to kill him and in the process save the Wolverine. I mean, I know the Wolverine laid it down in the sack but man, choosing a one night stand over family is pretty harsh! Also, the lamest thing happens after the credits; once Wolverine decides to try and find his fellow X Men, the Ian Mckellen Magento appears out of nowhere and tells Wolverine that he needs his help. Well when Wolverine asks him why he should trust him, Professor Charles Xavier also appears out of nowhere! When asked how that was possible, Patrick Stewart smiles and says, “I told you you weren’t the only one with gifts”. Um…ok. I guess Professor X can’t even be killed by a nuclear blast. How shameless is this franchise? Just ignore the fact that the third one was even made or continue making prequels. I knew I should’ve stayed home and watched Goldeneye instead. Onatop in a nightie!!!