After Earth

Maybe it’s actually time for Will Smith to team up with Jazzy Jeff again. We all know he’s the real reason why Big Willy eventually got to his A list star status and now has the privilege of drawing the bath water for Xenu and Sir Thomas Cruise. The second he came out with Miami and The Wild Wild West, it was all downhill for him! Remember that awful MTV Awards performance he had where he danced like a duck while wearing chaps and a cowboy hat? It reminded me of the scenes at The Blue Oyster in Police Academy (cue the saxophone music); you know the gay cowboy club that Lt. Harris would always wind up in? Poor poor Will, sadly he may end his son’s career before it even gets started. I now know why he asked his parents for financial independence for his 15^th birthday; its so he can either have control over his own career or so he can make it rain for Selene Gomez! Either way, do work son, do work!

And don’t get me started on M. Night Shamamaononon!  I refuse to say his name correctly until he makes a good movie. Signs had men dressed in rubber suits, posing as aliens who were dumb enough to invade a planet that was made up of 65% of what can kill them, The Village was ok until you saw it a second time and realized how unbelievably silly it was, and Lady In The Water may be the worst movie of all time, oh wait, that was until Avatar :The Last Airbender came out. Maybe M Night’s the one rubbing down Xenu in the tub; because that would be the only logical explanation for him still getting a big budget to make a movie at this point of his career! When my mom, who literally sees every movie with a black lead in it, says to me “Kelly, that movie looks terrible!”; I knew I was in for a long afternoon.

Despite receiving one of the worst ratings in Rotten Tomatoes history, I ignored the critics as I always do because I can typically find SOME redeeming value in a movie. Well let me tell you that there was absolutely nothing remotely interesting in this plodding, boring, and otherwise pointless film. Yeah yeah, I know that in the end they eventually find a way to grow closer in their father and son relationship, but if you didn’t see that coming then you are a 2 year old who is going to the movies for the first time. Here is the plot, Will Smith has found a way to ignore his “choice” to feel any fear therefore he cannot secrete the necessary endorphins for the evil aliens to find him. So as a result, he is able to sneak up them and kill them rather easily. Because of this rare ability which is called ghosting, he has flown up the ranks in the human army that is now living on another planet due to the fact we nearly destroyed our own. And apparently everything on Earth has evolved to not only defend itself against but to also kill any human that it comes into contact with.

Well it just so happens that while on their way to a training mission, Jaden’s and Will’s spaceship miraculously crashes on Earth, leaving them as the only two survivors. In the process, Will’s legs are broken and he must depend on Jaden to find their homing beacon to signal for help. This is Jaden’s chance to finally show his father what he can do and make him proud. Blah, blah, blah…

 I could write a novel on the many things that were wrong with this film but I will just focus on the two main issues. First off, the acting was atrocious. After giving Sho Nuff Momma his idea for a script, as well as the keys to direct it; Will Smith looked completely uninterested in being a part of this film. Maybe he realized after the first day of filming how awful it was going to be and decided the hell with it; I’m getting paid regardless. In every scene he is stone faced and basically mumbles every line. This would be ok if he was playing the equivalent of an Igor in the film, like Keifer Sutherland in Dark City, but he’s not! He is the co lead and plays a major role in trying to make you care about what’s happening on screen; but if he doesn’t care then why she would we?

Second, the CGI animals in this film look so ridiculously fake that they never create any suspense in the film., which is supposed to be Shake Yo Momma’s forte. The scene where Jaden is fighting off what are supposed to be tigers is laughable because the graphics are so poorly done that it looks like they are shadow fighting air instead of each other. It was at this point that I started subtracting the age of young Zoe Kravitz from that of mine to see if I was too old to hook up with her. And wouldn’t you know it, I’m not too old! I take back my previous statement, she was the one thing that stood out in this film. Damn she’s hot, Anyway, this movie is unbelievably WACK and definitely should be avoided!