G.I. Joe Retaliation

I have a buddy that likes chocolate women and white linen suits. Nothing wrong with that but he also likes action figures just as much as these things. And they aren’t just lying in their packaging waiting to be sold for profit; they are hanging around his house in full on attack mode! So needless to say that I rely on him for when studios release movies like Transformers and GI Joe to remind me of what characters do what and who is actually fresh. I mean I did play with these same toys when I was kid but that was quite some time ago. So while I do get slightly pumped for these movies, I am also leery of the fact that my childhood memories can be permanently damaged by the likes of Michael Bay. 

The first GI Joe movie sucked for many reasons but mainly because Cobra Commander was just some dude who walked around claiming to be mean. It wasn’t until the end that he turned into the evil leader that we grew to love but even that didn’t save this otherwise forgettable debacle.  I wont insult your intelligence by trying to eloquently explain what this movie called a plot. Simply put, the GI Joe’s seem to be rocking and still knocking out important missions for the president which includes gaining control of nukes in war torn North Korea. But the Cobra Commanders seem to be a little miffed over the fact that their leaders are held in custody and have a deceptive and evil plan to free them and gain control of the world. This includes using Zartan (the master of disguise) to impersonate the President and trick the Joes into a trap that will ultimately kill them all while at the same time setting up a conference with all the world’s leaders to fool them into using all of their nuclear weapons. All of this will ultimately rid them of any possible resistance to their own weak version of the Death Star that could destroy an entire country with a single bomb. 

To the movie’s credit, the plot sounds about as ridiculous as the cartoon plots we were exposed to as kids but this isn’t a cartoon. These are real people spitting out these stupid lines but trying to make it cool by quoting Jay Z or talking about threesomes. Yes, you read that correctly. The movie is wall to wall action but the problem with this is the movie is pg-13. So you never see any blood or anyone actually killed. You just see roundhouse kick after roundhouse kick or random explosions. And after 90 minutes of this, it all runs together and you really don’t know or even care what’s happening anymore. All action movies should be like horror movies; if you can’t make them rated R with boobs, blood, and decapitation, then just make it a cartoon where you can get away with at least two of the three. 

This movie's release was delayed to shoot another scene with Channing Tatum, which when you look back at it, it was a complete waste of time. The Rock seems to be having fun as Roadblock and the new hot ladies in Elodie Jung (Jinx) and Adrianne Palicki (Jaye) are…well…hot. I guess Rachel Nichols and Sienna Miller are too old now. It’s always good to find a reason to keep Willisfest going and honestly he’s the only fresh part of this movie. I rate this movie as unbelievably WEAK and suggest staying at home and playing with the figurines instead; yes, even if you are an adult.