An Intimate Evening with The Ultimate Piss Artist

Look, I am well aware of the fact that only my mom and Elmo the wonder elf currently read this blog on a regular basis but when I get angry about something I feel the need to shout it from the hills. Now, I will admit that all of the warning signs were there. I first saw the advertisement for this "event", on some random blog with the title "An Intimate Evening with R. Kelly : Just in Time for Mother's Day". First off, who would ever actually take their mom to an R. Kelly show? He is known for basically stripping naked on stage. And I can't imagine the horror one would feel if they saw their mom actually swooning over this. Second, he allegedly had sexual relations with a minor (Aaliyah) and then also allegedly, was caught on tape urinating on another. Wow, just typing that kind of makes the horror of that very real and not as funny as we've always thought it was. But the point is, is this the gift you want to give your mom for Mother's Day??? The second sign was that this event was to take place at The Mansion. If you try and pull up a google image of this place, there's a picture of it taken from a field from about 300 yards away. Once you zoom in, you see that it used to be Club Jaguar! And there is a pic of a bootylicious black woman on the sign. So clearly this venue is a converted strip club, perfect for mothers. Then, when you go to purchase tickets, there were normal general admission tickets ($30), V.I.P. tickets ($50), and a whole host of additional V.I.P. options some of which were in the range of $500 for a table and a bottle of Ciroc. And the dress code for this ghetto fabulous event was listed as "classy and chic" and it was STRICTLY ENFORCED! What is classy and chic? A suit? Purple gators? A top hat and cane? Btw I really should own all 4 of these. If all of this wasn't enough, when you walk into this venue, there is a rather large sign that says no refunds. Aaargh!!! How could I be soo stupid??? I guess I was just blinded by Robert Kelly's large and impressive library of hits and of course his genius, and yes I do mean genius, Trapped in the Closet. Any 90 minute song that includes a midget stripper that bangs someone's wife is pure art.

As far as the scene went, it was a nice atmosphere. I was disappointed that I didnt see any pimp canes or pastel colored suits. For the most part, my people were dressed to the nines but not over the top. My hipster friends were kind of struggling with the dress code. They had to dig deep into their vintage clothing to meet the requirements but even they looked good and everyone was excited for the comedy and awesomeness that was to come. The dj's were spinning good music and noone seemed to care that it was almost 1 a.m. and still no sign on Robert. I think we were all in shock when we went to the back patio of this place and saw two shut down hot tubs. Hut tubs in a shady strip club??? Ugh! I was scared to go near them but would have LOVED to have seen what went down back in the day in these things. I would be laughing in horror for days!!! There was a larger one which I presume was for big time spenders. Again, this is all perfect for Mothers Day! If you are wondering why I am spending so much time on describing the set up and scene and so little on the show, well you're about to find out.

Finally, Robert makes his appearance and everyone goes nuts! It's time for Ignition, Honey Love, Bump n Grind, Sadie. He actually showed up!!! He comes on stage smoking the biggest swisher sweet I have ever seen and then shakes hands with about10 people, smiles, and then disappears in the back with his entourage. Um...ok. And then 2 minutes later he pops up in the V.I.P. section in the corner, sings Ignition, the opening line of My Body's Calling, and then says that he wants for every beautiful lady and also every not so beautiful lady to come into V.I.P. with him. And that was it! There has to be more right? He's just going to say hi to a few ladies and then come back on stage to perform right? Nope. That was it. So naturally everyone starts to boo him. The poor dj's had no clue what was going on, so they just continued to play music. Finally 30 minutes later Robert comes back on stage to more boos and looks angry. "Ya'll can boo me all ya'll want but i'm just trying to get drunk like ya'll. If you show me some love i MIGHT come back and sing some songs" What?!?!?!?!?! At this point  we start throwing things on stage and the dj's start calling him out for being weak. Then to further insult us, the promoter comes out and says that Robert is worth a 250k booking fee and we should show him some respect. Then he basically called us country bumpkins because we dont know what a celebrity hosted party is. Um, this is Austin dude! We throw huge parties for an imaginary children's story character. We dont need some ghetto has been to come to town to party. Oh and music legends come through here on the reg, see the Rolling Stones, Radiohead, Clapton, etc.

All I can say is, I am happy that I only spent the $30. If I had dropped $100 or more, I probably would be in jail today. What about these people Robert? What about your loyal fans that have stuck with you through these horrible allegations, or even the people who never get to go to a show and spent alot of money to see you perform. This might be their one show of the year. Well I am embarrassed for Kelly, and if you happen to read this Elmo, DONT PAY MONEY FOR THIS EVENT. Just pop in some Sex Me and make a booty call instead. This "event" is as WACK as it gets. With that said, I'm off to go listen to Age Aint Nothin But A Number by Aaliyah produced by Robert Kelly.

Lates
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIciKDEA_5U