Cabin In The Woods

So for years now movie critics have been pretty off when it comes to rating horror movies. Maybe they're just looking for too much art in it; when all the consumer wants is a nice boob shot or two, some gore, and few fun scary moments. So typically when I see that critics hate a certain horror movie I run to it, ala 30 Days of Night. And when they love it, I walk away wishing I hadn't allowed the critics to talk me into it; see The Blair Witch Project, which is responsible for all of the found footage crapfests we are subject to today. So I should have known better when I heard all of the hype coming out of SXSW about The Cabin In The Woods. "It's a game changer" "An ingenious ode to horror movies" "The most fun you'll have in a theater". Ugh!

As I walk into the theater expecting the next Scream or Behind the Mask :The Rise of Leslie Vernon (check this, critics actually got this one right), I had no idea I would walk out having just watched Horror Movie : an MTV2 production. Seriously, this movie seemed like it was written by 16 year olds for 16 year olds. First let me say, that I did laugh out loud quite a few times, which gives you some insight to the fact that I have the mentality of a teenager. But comedy is just supposed to be one element of this movie. The plot was different but just because it's different doesn't mean it's not weak. Basically it's 5 "college" (they look old for college) kids heading off to a cabin in the woods for a weekend get-a-way. Despite a run in with a creepy gas station attendant, they continue on to their destination. You soon find out that once they pass through this tunnel, that everything that happens to them is controlled by this weird team of technicians from an undisclosed location. They start acting out of character and discover this cellar which unlocks the horror that you are about to witness. So I dont spoil anything for you, I will stop there. The movie includes all of the basic elements of a horror story: the boob shot, the sex crazed jock, the slutty girl, the druggie, the dumb guy who can't act, and the virgin or as close as you can get to a virgin heroine. What the movie lacks however is scary moments, cool gore, and a plot that doesn't make you think that this would have been cooler as a quick 20 minute youtube video. 30 minutes into it, it  was as if they had no clue how to fill the gap between their set up and their big twist at the end. So you were just bored for 30 minutes watching them go through the motions and by the time the twist came it just kind of fell flat. I will say that Kristen Connolly, you may have missed her as "the woman reading on the bench" in M Night Shamommalananan's The Crapening (The Happening), made this easier to endure because she's so hot. But it wasn't even her boobs we got to see, but for the purposes of the story I get why.
***spoiler alert***
So at the end they do get to release every kind of villain that has ever been in a horror movie but why not just do that from the beginning and make that the movie? And why are these super powerful gods that they are trying to please so easily kept under control? Props to having a killer unicorn though. This would have been much fresher if a shirtless Tom Cruise was riding it with his hair from MI:2. Talk about the worst death ever! Impaled by a unicorn with a smiling crazy Cruise looking at you. Actually my friend suggested that one of the boxes should have had Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger in it, death by Brokeback! But this is another discussion for another time. So I rate this movie as pretty WEAK.