And sadly, this also marks the end of Kate Beckinsdale and Milla Jovovich’s big screen careers. I’m not saying that neither of them are talented or that they no longer are two of the most beautiful women on the planet, I’m just saying that in the world of Hollywood, the only roles left for women their age are the old quirky moms in Adam Sandler films. You saw what poor Kathy Bates was reduced to. I can’t wait to see Beckinsdale play Sandler’s mom in The Waterboy prequel, the search for more gator. And if you think that concept is ridiculous, look no further than a young Catherine Zeta Jones falling for the crusty Sean Connery in Entrapment or a bright eyed and perky Scarlet Johannson lusting after the basically dead Steve Martin in Shopgirl. Hollywood has done women wrong for so long that it’s now nearly impossible to point out their lunacy to them.
Now if you go into these films looking to have your life changed or to walk away feeling inspired to start a rally of some sort, then you’ll certainly leave disappointed. But if you go in looking to be entertained and wanting to have fun, you will thoroughly enjoy yourself. Right off the bat, I’ll admit that neither of these films are actually good in the traditional sense of the word but they sure as hell made me cheer and shout out the word fresh on multiple occasions.
In Underworld, there is a massive search for Selene’s (Beckinsdale) missing daughter because she contains the hybrid blood of both Lycan and vampire; and the belief is, whoever has control of this deadly mix not only controls the never ending war between these two but essentially controls the fate of the world as well. Selene is still a badass in this film but because of her inexplicable love for the Emo Speedman, she has been excommunicated from the vampire coven and is now being hunted by both vampires and Lycans. Well the Lycans now have a new leader in Marius (Tully from Game of Thrones) and he has amassed a legion of Lycans who now finally appear to be unified enough to overtake the vampires. The vampires realize this, so they decide to forgive Selene for her past transgressions and ask her to help train them for the imminent battle.
Well as Tom Cruise once taught us in the early 90’s, one can never truly trust a vampire. And this life lesson is on full display as Selene is eventually betrayed and apparently killed, only to return with white David Bowie esque highlights in her hair and more power. There’s really no explanation given as to why she’s still alive or why she has more power but to be honest with you, you don’t really care because that’s how the rest of the film goes too. Some random pretty boy, whose true identity has been hidden from us for some reason, is revealed as the true leader of the vampires yet he has no special abilities nor does he ever say any fresh one liners throughout the entire film. And in this epic journey into the… ahem underworld, there seems to be convenient train access to all of these "hidden" vampire mansions; including one that’s apparently in the Alps. I guess Google Maps finally gets it right in the future. In the end, all I know is that I saw vampires fighting werewolves and 9 times out 10, that’s fresh! And this film was no different!
Well Resident Evil also realized that no one was there for the plot and chose to give us two straight hours of action instead. They sort of run through the previous 5 films by showing a video collage of random scenes in the opening sequence but after that things get really simple; Alice (Jovovish) must get to Raccoon City before another Game of Thrones villain, Dr. Isaacs (Ian Glen) gets there first with his army of zombies. His evil plan of ridding the world of the unworthy is almost complete as he plans to release yet another virus to kill all of the zombies who did his dirty work for him, so that he and his rich buddies can rule the world!
The first 30 minutes of the film makes you want to throw up as the camera literally never sits still long enough for you to see what’s going on. This is the worst use of the "shaky cam" I have ever seen in my life. But as more and more zombies get mowed down and more and clones show up, you start to get used to it and you realize that The Walking Dead is just a lame Lifetime show in comparison to this amazing bloodbath! It’s only been a few weeks and I have already forgotten the majority of what happens in this film but I do remember zombies being flamed to death, giant explosions, and Ali Larter being thrown one final bone from Hollywood, and sadly I don’t mean that in a sexual way.
In the end, these were the perfect send offs for these wonderful franchises and I can honestly say that I’m happy that I lived to see the end of them. They both get a rating of FRESH and now I can’t wait to see the conclusion of John Wick…in about 10 years!
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