Baby Girl

Now that your boy is single again, he has an extra hour a week to let you know just how lame his life actually is. So, I figured it was time to bore you with a few movie reviews to help get you through your week.

Now, I know that Austin is not special in this regard but, during the Christmas season, there are a lot of Christmas or holiday themed bars that pop-up all-around town. One of which happens to be my favorite bar, Nickel City. It’s conveniently right up the street from me so this allows me the opportunity to grab a late night snack and stumble my way home without fear of being attacked by the few crackheads who refuse to be gentrified out of their tarp covered boxes on the East Side. I mean, crackheads are fast but even they can’t catch me on my two block run back to the house.  

But my bartender friends tend to hate this time of year; not because it’s Christmas, but because of the kind of patrons their seasonally decorated bar brings in. It tends to bring in a ton of bros and sorority girls who are only looking to glow up their Insta stories while running off the regulars who can’t handle their rambunctiousness. Yes, I’m old but even I had to look up how to spell rambunctious. Anyway, one night, while enjoying a tasty beverage, the hoodest girl I’ve ever seen in Austin walks in. And yes, I know that Austin hood is nothing compared to Houston or Baltimore hood but trust me when I say this girl was HOOD!

She was wearing MC Hammer glasses (look him up), she was Hispanic but had Black girl edges (guys, look this up), and she had really long fake nails that looked like they carve her initials in an oak tree (more on these in a second). And of course, she clicked the top of her mouth with her tongue and did the Black girl head snap after each quality point she thought she was making. How do I know this, you ask? Because I immediately started talking to her once she cozied up to me. I wasn’t hitting on her by any stretch of the imagination (because I still had a girlfriend at the time), it just felt like I was witnessing a Martian’s first ever trip to a bar. How could i not talk to her? It’s like letting E.T. walk by without asking for a selfie!

Well, she mistook my inquisitiveness for romantic interest and started hitting on me. She told me about all the lame men there were in Austin and how they couldn’t handle her and if she found the right one, she’d be a freak in the mornin’…freak in the evening (that’s an Adina Howard song btw, yes, look her up too, I’m old). And I replied, “I bet. Especially with those freaky nails of yours. I see the crazy designs on them. What’s up with that?”

“Oh boo! I’m from L.A. We gotta come correct with the nail game!” It took all I had to keep from openly laughing, that is until she told me she was gang related. Now, what’s really messed up about this is, if I were single, that’s the thing that would’ve turned this whole thing around for me, and I so would’ve been into her. My nerdy ass is far from a gang banger but I certainly wouldn’t mind banging a woman who happens to be in a gang! You know she’s a ride or die for real! So, she then proceeded to tell me even more freaky stuff she’s into. And it was at this point that the whiskey was kicking in and I had to leave before things got weirder because she clearly wasn’t picking up on the fact that the nerd she was talking to wasn’t available. But I have to admit, now that I’m single, there is a part of me that wants to find this girl to see what’s up.

I know Christmas is over so there’s no chance of me running into her at any of the bars I hang out in but maybe I’ll open up my own pop-up bar for a week. It’ll be an ode to all California gangs and you have to either Crypt walk or throw up the Bloods sign to gain entry. Now, you may think this is a dumb idea but as a great wise man named James Earl Jones once said in Hoes of Dreams, “If you build it, they will come”. See you soon boo!

So, you’re probably asking yourself, why did I just read 600 words about this random encounter? Because, I have been lucky enough to attract women who are much younger than I am and I am pleased to say that this hood girl is not singular in her freakiness. Girls today are wild and are willing to do things that I used to only get during the Lunar Moon or on my birthday. So, I know freaky stuff when I see or hear it. And I am sad to say that none of this stuff happened in the movie Baby Girl.

Oh sure, it’s sold as this steamy, erotic thriller but the only thrilling thing about it is the fact that after seeing a 57 year old Nicole Kidman naked, it makes you think that you might actually be down for some grandma porn. Okay, that’s pretty gross but if Kidman had an OF page, I’d definitely subscribe! Kidman is the only reason why you’d see this film. She takes this corny script and does her absolute best to make it film worthy. And she barely succeeds, but, outside of her, this movie is a total snoozefest!

Kidman’s character is the creator, founder, and head of her unbelievably successful and cutting-edge AI company. Everyone looks up to her and she has a firm grip of control in, not only her company, but her home life as well. The problem is, as it so often is with rich people, she seems unsatisfied.

The film’s opening scene is her and her husband (Antonio Banderas) having what appears to be passionate sex. But immediately after, she sneaks off to another room to watch porn and masturbate so she can really get off herself. She apparently has desires that she cannot fully express to her husband, so he’s never been able to make her climax.

But one day, thankfully some scrawny little intern of hers is seen making a stray dog obey his command by giving him a treat. I mean, what other man or woman could possibly be so dominating in their presence and in the way they carry themselves? Offering a dog a treat to calm him down? Revolutionary! Well, apparently it was to Kidman because the more this little scrawny scrub interacted with her, the more she felt as though he could be the one to help her finally explore her sexual desires.

I wont bore you with too much more but ultimately what it boiled down to was her wanting to give up control or power and to be put in a position to lose everything. Again, rich people’s problems. But this isn’t the issue, there have been plenty of films about bored couples or women who find excitement in losing or gaining power/control in a lover who just so happens to casually ooze confidence and sexiness (see the movies Closer or Unfaithful). I never condone cheating, even though my future gangsta boo tried to convince me it was okay, but a least in the films I mentioned it kind of made sense. The characters had a real chemistry between them and again, they were pretty damn cool or just plain hot. And the sex they were having made you envious.

None of that was in this film. It was just some scrub who danced badly to music, wasn’t as smart as he tried to portray himself to be and lacked confidence in what he was doing. Oh, and none of the sex was even freaky. Gangsta boo would’ve been tongue clicking and head snapping the entire time. “Boooy, let me show you what’s really up!”

I’m just saying, if you’re gonna make a woman lap up milk and play with her butt, you better make it sexy. Well, guess what, it was far from that. Literally everyone who was walking out of the theater said the same thing. “That was so lame and it made no sense. There was no chemistry between them at all. I’d so much rather let Banderas play with my butt” Well, I clearly didn’t say that last part but you get what I mean.

So, as a result, I give this movie a rating of really WEAK but I’ll be sure to have it playing at the reception of me and my gangsta boo’s wedding.