I’m quickly approaching the age where people often say to themselves, “You know what, his mind is actually pretty sharp and he’s still able to live on his own; that’s so great to see!” And they then smile, wave and toss me a Werther’s Original before jetting off to their 5-star skiing vacation while thinking to themselves, “Man, I really hope he doesn’t die before we get back!”. And thankfully no, I’m not sick or anything, I’m just old and this is how people see me now!
So, knowing that this sad sentiment is out there, I figure it’s
high time I find myself someone to take care of me before there’s some sad
singing and flower brining at my apparently soon to be funeral. But I regularly
find myself getting outplayed by this 50 year old dude who hangs out at
Voldstead Lounge with all the youngins!
The first time I saw him I kind of giggled to myself because
this guy literally looks like the real life version of Jeffrey Lebowski (The
Big Lebowski); his hair is thinning, he’s out of shape and he’s stoned out of
his mind. He’d wear his robe to the bar if it would pass dress code but
thankfully for everyone involved, it doesn’t. But the more I watched this
oddball, the more I realized that I had to step my game up. In the midst of
this weekly crazy dance party, this old dude has dozens of people, including
cute girls, flock to him and just hang around him for hours on end. And why,
you may ask? Because he’s smokes everyone out; that’s why! He has a pocket full
of blunts that he puts in constant rotation! There’s always a cloud of smoke
and smoking hot women around this old burnout, meanwhile there’s me, the
stereotypical angry Black man, just sitting the corner staring at them brimming
with jealousy! Damn you Lebowski! If I weren’t Black and wouldn’t be thrown under
the jail for 40 years, I’d match your clever play but alas I am Black and I don’t
smoke weed!
So, I figure what I need is a spark; something that will
shift the tide my way! I need something that will make the ladies flock to me
like those old rich European women flock to Gambia every summer to get completely
destroyed by the huge African Mandingos there! This is a real thing by the way.
Women do fly to that part of Africa just to get banged by Africans and then fly
back to their husbands or boyfriends who spent their summers getting blackout
drunk in the pubs while banging each other, I assume. And I know what you’re
thinking and yes, I did apply for citizenship to Gambia but the waitlist is
crazy long!
So, in the meantime, I have to settle for the world being
exposed to a Black Captain America! Come on Anthony Mackie, my hopes for
finding a future mate are in your hands! We need enough racist white dudes to
tweet, “Not MY Captain America!” to get white guilt back in the air so thick that
white women flock to me with the hopes of paying me their version of reparations!
The days of 40 acres and a mule are long gone, give me 40-24-40!
So, needless to say, I was there opening weekend. Now, I’ve
basically been out on Marvel films since they dropped back to back flops in the
last Ant-Man and Thor movies but as far as I can tell, Brave New World picks up
a few years after Sam Wilson officially becomes the new Captain America. He has
his own sidekick now in Joaquin Torres who is trying to learn the ropes when it
comes to being the new Falcon. And they’re both trying to work with the new
President, Thaddues Ross (Harrison Ford) who was once a lead military general
who tried to take out both the Hulk and Abomination after their spat become a security
issue for the entire world. However, the thing is, the Hulk, or Bruce Banner,
was Ross’s daughter’s love interest at the time and trying to kill your
daughter’s boyfriend doesn’t sit all that well with them from what I hear. So,
needless to say, their relationship was rather strained as a result. And this obviously
had a negative impact on how Ross viewed the Avengers.
But, after Cap and Falcon retrieve some stolen Adamantium (a
metal alloy stronger than Vibranium) which was about to hit the black market,
Ross decides to invite them to the White House in hopes that their brave act
will be the much needed spark to get the leaders of the world to sign a global
peace treaty. Well, once there, something odd happens and there is an attempt
on Ross’s life. This not only puts the treaty on hold but now Ross no longer
trusts Cap or any of his friends and Cap is now in a race to figure out what
caused this assassination attempt before a world war breaks out over this new metal.
The plot sounds rather simple and refreshingly so I might
add. For years Marvel has been caught up in these convoluted stories about the
multi-verse and broken timelines and they spent so much time trying to explain
how these things we were actually possible that they forgot to A. make the
stories entertaining, B. have any direction whatsoever in regards to where they
were ultimately going with these stories C. make the multi-verse actually cool
and D. give us a badass villain with awesome superpowers.
So, they decided to dumb things down a bit and just gave us
cool action scenes and a Red Hulk who jacks stuff up at the end. Anthony Mackie
is becoming more and more comfortable as Cap and they made his suit and use of
the shield the highlight of the story. Wakanda made his wings out of Vibranium
for him so there’s all sorts of creative ways he can take on multiple guys with
machine guns seeing as how he doesn’t have any actual superpowers himself. And
this includes a really cool shootout scene with Sidewinder which comes close to
being as cool as the shootout scene Sam Jackson had in The Winter Soldier
Captain America movie.
Now, one of the main complaints is that the story relies on
you remembering everything that happened in the 2008 Hulk film which was 17
years ago. And before the Red Hulk appears on the screen your main villain is
some short weird looking dude whose head looks like a chemically damaged ball
sack but heck, I forgot that the 2008 Hulk was actually Ed Norton and not the
guy from Black Hawk Down and I still had zero issues following what was going
on.
What I hope Marvel begins to realize is that, to a certain
extent, it’s okay if their movies don’t all lead up to one huge battle with a
Thanos or Kang the Conqueror after a series of films. As long as their movies
focus on the main Avenger characters and they provide us with an actually cool
villain who can wreck shop is memorable and thrilling ways, we’ll be happy. It’s
just when they start focusing on the side characters that no one cares about
i.e. Agatha the witch, Vision, or Wanda’s children that they lose us. Listen, I
love Masta Killer and Inspectah Deck but only because they’re a part of Wu-Tang
as a whole; no one really cares about their solo albums or tours. Well, the same
applies here! Keep giving us the biggest stars.
And that’s why this film worked so well: Captain America vs.
Red Hulk, lots of cool actions scenes, simple plot, and just enough funny jokes
to keep things light.
This wasn’t the best film in the Marvel catalog but I
certainly was entertained by it. And it’s because of this that I now have hope
when it comes to finding my future wife! Game recognize game Black Captain
America and you’re looking rather familiar right now! I give Brave New World a
rating of FRESH!
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