Barbie

I have made it publicly known that I am on a mission to find my Barbie bride before the year’s end. So, this week I have a date set up with a Barbie clone from Louisiana. I’m already calling her Cajun Barbie and it’s my hope that she shows up wearing six-inch gator heels and only drinks Hurricanes with Boudin in them. “Mama says foosball is the devil!”

Can you imagine what our kids would look like? I picture a lighter skinned version of Lil Wayne who only wears pink. But that would of course totally change your perception of what his song Lollipop is about. And every time he said, “Stuntin’ like my daddy”, you may raise an eyebrow or two. Or would he even have to wear pink in the first place? I was really hoping that the theaters would have their own Mean Girls version of Barbies standing guard at the doors as you entered. And that they would haze you for not wearing pink whenever you tried to approach them! “On Mondays we wear pink!” They should have at the very least incorporated that into the film as I can’t be the only one who thought of this idea. Oh well, opportunity missed.

But I myself was considering wearing pink only because I was going to a sold-out theater to see this movie solo. And seeing as how I am 76 years old, that could come off as a little creepy when sitting in between teenage girls whose only experience with someone my age is by the way of their grandfather or their out of touch Texas History teacher. My thought was, if I wear pink, maybe I’ll come off as a bi-curious cinephile and would therefore be considered perfectly safe. But as it turned out, I wound up wearing orange just to throw everyone off.

Here's the thing; I couldn’t believe that there was an actual scenario in place that would lead to me seeing this film in the theater. When they announced they were making this film, I immediately laughed out loud and said there was no way in hell I’d ever see it. It sounded like the dumbest idea ever. But then I saw that Greta Gerwig was attached to it and that they were somehow able to cast Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling as Barbie and Ken. So, that at least made me think that it was going to be more than just a money grab. But even then, there was a small chance of me ever forking over any cash to see it.

But then I remembered that they did make live-action versions of Transformers, G.I. Joe, and He-Man, and those movies made ridiculous amounts of money because nerds from all over came out to support them; so why not let the ladies get their time? But wasn’t Barbie something of the past? I thought she portrayed an obsolete view of women and that people now considered pink to be a gender construct (both of which are addressed in this film). But then I noticed that every woman who has ever been born showed up opening weekend wearing pink to see this film, so clearly those thoughts are bullshit!

Give women a reason to dress up and band together and all the rules go out the window. Just look at Halloween every year. I’m fairly certain I saw Kamala Harris dress up as naughty T’Challa her first year as Vice President. And you know what? Good for her and good for women! Go see a movie about something that was a major part of your childhood and grab some drinks afterwards to celebrate! Hell, maybe you’ll even meet and hook up with a lonely writer who’s not afraid to wear orange. Everybody wins!

And speaking of winning, women, Hollywood, and everyone involved with this movie certainly won! Gerwig and her partner Noah Baumbach wrote a clever story that not only empowered women but also managed to piss off every right-wing freak that hates the song WAP. And that my friends is a clear win. In this film, Barbie seemingly has the perfect life as every day she wears the perfect outfit, eats the perfect breakfast, and has the best parties with her Barbie friends. And every day, the Kens all show up to try and grab their attention by surfing, dancing, and showing off their six packs.

But one day, Barbie’s world is turned upside down as the real world starts to have its effect on the Barbie world. So, she is forced to track down her owner to try and resolve things. However, it’s when she and Ken enter the real world that things totally go haywire. The rest I’ll leave up to you to experience on your own but the key things to know going in are that every male in this film is a complete idiot. Which, to quite a few males can be upsetting, but to me it provided 90% of the laughs in this story. I don’t mean to lead off by talking about a male character in a movie about women but Ryan Gosling was hilarious in almost every scene he was in. His discovery of the patriarchy (although I thought he should have called it the patri-horsey, it makes sense when you see the film) had me laughing a little too hard. And his turning into a frat-boy was a little too spot on. But it was good to see him and his comedy talents be put to good use. Same with Michael Cera.

But obviously the star of the film was Margot Robbie. Her long journey to her self-discovery had every girl within three miles of me crying in the theater. It was painful to watch her go from her perfect world to the disgusting world we live in and to see her fall apart as a result of it. The entire time you just hoped that she could go back to her perfect life and not have to endure the pain, insecurities, and uncertainty that we have to deal with on a daily basis. But, enduring all of this is what ultimately led to her growth and the outcome that was destined for her and presumably women everywhere. Sure, the world is tough at times but you have everything inside you to…blah blah blah, this is not that kind of blog! But the point is, there’s an actual point to this story.

There is a monologue in the third act that is fairly long and a little too preachy but if you know anything about Greta Gerwig, you know that she’s not one for subtlety. Nor should she be. If she wants to hammer a point home, she certainly can. I’m just not sure that scene will reach more than her core audience. But the scene that follows where they get every dude to man-splain everything to the Barbies to help save the day more than made up for it as that was unbelievably hilarious.

And that’s what I’m ultimately trying to convey here; this movie was way better than it should have been, I mean, it’s a movie about a doll. Having said that, if you’re a woman, you will think that this movie deserves a rating of tight because it is everything you hoped it would be and more. But if you’re a guy, you’ll just be happy that you didn’t want to kill yourself afterwards and will want to give it a rating of sort of fresh.

I’m somewhere in the middle and I give it a rating of pretty FRESH. Enjoy wearing your pink ladies because we still have 98 days until Halloween.