Oppenheimer

“Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds.” This is what Oppenheimer quoted after he helped create the world’s first atomic bomb. And I don’t believe that there is a more famous quote attached to a person than this one. Well, maybe “The sweat drop down my balls! All these bitches crawl! Awww skeet skeet…” and Lil Jon but it’s hard to mess with greatness.

And even though Oppenheimer was born in the U.S. and was an American citizen, I cannot think of a more German name than his. But it’s no secret that there was a race amongst the nations to recruit or steal the best Nazi scientists to have them on your side once the war was over. They were given new identities and were allowed to safely live in their new societies as long as they contributed to the greater good of their new homes.

And this got me to thinking. Let’s say someone like the Japanese defeated the mighty United States one day and there was a race for our best human resources; where would I land in this group? All I’m sort of good at is coming up with great Halloween costumes. Everyone remembers the three years in a row I went dressed as R. Kelly, complete with a handheld camcorder that said “I want to pee on you”. And then there was last year when I went dressed as Marsellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction. I was inspired by the ”bring out the gimp scene” and therefore walked around with a bloody ball gag in my mouth and a shotgun (well, a toy baseball bat; I didn’t want to give the cops yet another reason to shoot me).

Quick side note: I was hit on by women waaaay more when I was R. Kelly than I was as Marsellus but I was also at a goth show when I was Pulp Fiction, so most of them were probably used to BDSM anyway.

But the point remains; how would I be considered as useful to a nation? You guys remember that high pitched male voiceover from the 1940’s that was used in black and white commercial campaigns to promote tin drives and to encourage women to enter the workforce while the men were off at war? Perhaps the Japanese could use that same voice to promote my skills and give ME a new identity.

“Good evening gentlemen (a woman would never be dumb enough to be a Kamikaze pilot)! Feeling down or nervous about your upcoming mission? Well fear no more! We have the solution for you! We now have the latest in costumes to fulfill your heart’s desires! Pee on your favorite colleagues in complete anonymity using P. Kelly’s sleek eye mask and fake cornrows. Rewatch your escapades over and over again on your handheld camcorder as you go into battle! But make sure you drink plenty of fluids! We don’t want you getting dehydrated in the cockpit after living out your lifelong fantasy!  

Want to consummate that friendship you made in basic training? Live out your wildest dreams using Dr. Sodomheimer’s leather arm straps and ball gags! You’ll have hours of fun while you engage in purely consensual military bonding before serving your wonderful country!” (to all you sensitive readers out there: I ran this joke by my gay, bi, and straight friends and they all thought it was hilarious. So, chill out and grab yourself some anal beads for a trial run before you get all bent out of shape).

Anyway, I’m far from being an Oppenheimer but I certainly think I can be of use. And this is exactly what Matt Damon thought when he recruited Oppenheimer for this all-important mission. Oppenheimer wasn’t the first choice because of his political leanings and his borderline egotism but as it turned it out, he was the effective choice. But sadly, Oppenheimer’s Communist affiliations, his general openness to alternatives to Capitalism, and his outspokenness on the Pandora’s Box that was opened after the atomic bomb was both created and used was ultimately his undoing.

I’m not sure how much you know about this film before going into it but this is what Christopher Nolan chose to put his focus on. Yes, there is certainly a lot of attention put onto what went into the creating of the bomb but the vast majority of the film focuses on the pettiness and the general jealousy that led to Oppenheimer’s life being ripped apart by subcommittees and people whom he thought were his friends; mainly Lewis Strauss (Robert Downey Jr.).

There was a race against the Nazis, and even our then ally in Russia, to come up with an effective bomb after scientists had recently discovered a way to split the atom. A bomb of this magnitude in the hands of someone like Hitler, or even Stalin, could have dire consequences for the rest of the world. So, the U.S. put all its resources into gathering the world’s best scientists, those of whom they thought they could trust in the midst of a World War, to be the first to develop and use this weapon. They thought that using this weapon would bring an immediate end to the war and would allow our soldiers to come home safely without having to enter any more battles. But it was clear that there was very little thought put into what the aftereffects would be and what this could mean for the world moving forward.

Now, if Nolan had put more of his focus on the tension around this race, I think that this film would have been highly entertaining. However, again, he chose to focus on how Oppenheimer’s own country turned against him after he became a spokesperson for weapons regulations. And if you know anything about America, we love our guns and our bombs, so he was doomed from the start.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Nolan does an excellent job of making political backstabbing as interesting as he can but this is not what people expect in a summer blockbuster. We want to see shit get blown up! And that is by far the most exciting part of the film; the recruitment of the scientists and the actual testing of the bomb are the parts of the story you came to see. That is a Christopher Nolan film; tense moments that leave you gasping in anticipation of what’s to come. But he decided to go another route.

And while he was still successful in making a quality film, the story is ultimately about a bunch of nerds talking about scientific theory. Both of my parents were scientists, and while they were both funny and intriguing, they were clearly the outliers. He tried to make them interesting by showing how much of a womanizer Oppenheimer was and by giving us some insight into their free thinking and passion for their work; but in the end, they were just dudes with pocket protectors trying to outsmart one another.

Most of the subcommittee interrogations and really all of the communist rallies could have been cut from this film, saving us 70-80 minutes of rather boring dialogue. Had he simply focused Oppenheimer’s early education, his assembling of his Manhattan Project team, the testing of the bomb, and the aftermath that followed, this would have been a perfect film. The acting in it is flawless. Matt Damon steals every scene he’s in, Cillian Murphy, Downey Jr. and Emily Blunt deserve Oscar nominations, and even though she was grossly underutilized, Florence Pugh brings unforgettable sexiness to a film that sorely needed it. Yes, she does get naked for all you pervs out there (me raising hand).

But in the end, this movie falls well short of expectations. The more I think about it, the more I actually think I like this film, so I’ll give it a rating of FRESH but I wouldn’t be mad at you for waiting until it’s available on HBO Max. It is three hours long.

I could complain about the fact they don’t show anything that happened in Japan but this review is getting way too long just like the film.