The Brutalist

I honestly thought I was going to be done posting reviews for about a month or two but every now and then a film moves me in such a way that I can’t help but call it out even if it’s with just a lazy effort on my end. I know that as an artist I’d rather have the audience either love or hate my work; the last thing I want is for them to leave indifferent because that means they’ll completely forget you or the experience soon after. I want a visceral response of some kind, and I truly believe that most artists feel this way as well.

Well, the issue with this is when the world produces hipsters who pretend to be broke when they walk around wearing clothes that are made out of the same material as doilies, but in reality, they’re just trust fund kids who simply want to piss off their parents. These kids sometimes decide to use their money and the connections they have through their parents to make art. And it’s because of these connections that their art gets fast tracked to the mainstream while truly talented artists get left behind. The band The Strokes are the perfect example of this because of their business mogul daddies and all the connections they had. Everyone just completely ignored the fact that their music is basically made up of chords and drum beats you’d learn in your Rock Music 101 class at Jimmy’s Music School in Tallahassee.  Seriously, I made more complicated music on my recorder in first grade! But it is what it is, I accepted the fact that they made the most of the opportunities afforded them and I no longer hold any ill will towards them. But Brady Corbet decided to come along and reignite the fire of hate hate hate within me. He’s the writer and director of Oscar nominated, The Brutalist. And I would assume he switched to writing and directing mainly because he got too Hollywood fat to still be an actor (look up his photos); he was once in the film Thirteen.

He stood up at the Golden Globes and had the audacity, after his film won Best Picture there, to say, “This is why directors should always be in control of the final cut. Everyone kept telling me that no one wanted to see a 3 and a half hour film about a mid-century designer but here we are”. Well Brady, maybe you should’ve listened to your friends and the multi-millionaire producers who have a history of making money after all. And I know producers can suck and will try and cut up your films beyond recognition, but even they realize that trying to make people give up a fourth of their day (when they’re actually awake) to watch a film about a made up architect takes an amount of hubris that this world has yet to see. I mean, seriously, Malcolm X was 3 and a half hours long and that’s Malcolm X! He started a revolution and gave people hope! How dare you try and make me watch a 3 plus hour film about some made up white dude in Black History Month! We are only get 28 days a year, and the one time they recently gave us 29, they released a deadly virus that nearly killed us all called the Killthedarkies Virus, aka the Rona, as a punishment for it! “Give em an extra day and the next thing you know, they’ll want the whole year!”

But whatever, The Brutalist was getting love from every critic imaginable and a story about the immigrant experience sounded really important right now given the climate in America and the dangerous views many people have towards immigrants. So, I decided to give it a chance.

The Brutalist is about Laszlo Toth, a talented architect who fled post-war Europe in 1947 with the hopes of rebuilding his life here in America. His wife and niece are still stuck over there but thankfully they survived the horrors of the Holocaust. He misses them both dearly but tries to get on his feet so that everything is settled for them by the time they make it over. He shacks up with his cousin who has already established a new life here with a woman he met from Connecticut and his custom-made furniture business. Laszlo’s (Adrian Brody) skills as an architect come in handy as it helps him land a big job building a new library for Harrison Van Buren (Guy Pearce); a self-made multi -millionaire who has an estate in Pennsyvania so large that it rivals that of kings in times past.

After a rather awkward initial meeting between the two, Van Buren discovers who Laszlo really is after the design of his now modern library catches the eye of a national publication. His library is not only the talk of the nation but more importantly that of all his uber wealthy friends, friends with connections. One of whom happens to be the lawyer of the Vice President of the United States. This lawyer puts things in motion to help Laszlo’s wife and niece get to the U.S., something that seemed almost impossible before.

And in addition to this, Van Buren is so impressed with Laszlo’s past and current work that he hires him to build an enormous complex that will be open to the public and will also be dedicated to his recently deceased mother. This project, however, is unlike anything Laszlo has ever undertaken but he is supremely confident that he can not only meet Van Buren’s expectations but exceed them!

And this is what the entire first act is, Laszlo finding fortune after struggling to find consistent work while at the same time dealing with being separated from his family and battling an addiction to opium; something that was introduced to him on his journey to America to help deal with an injury he sustained.

So, to this point in the film, it’s actually a well written and well told story; one that’s entertaining and gives you a protagonist to root for. But then the second act arrives and things start to get a little weird. Corbet, staying true to the hipster game, decides that he cant make this like all the other biographies that came before it, he has to throw a wrench or two in there.  

Laszlo’s wife, Erzsebet Toth (Felicity Jones) and his niece Zsofia (Raffey Cassidy) finally arrive but to Laszlo’s surprise, Erzsebet (I’m just gonna call her E from here on because that’s too damn hard to spell) is in a wheelchair. She’s lost functionality in her legs due to malnourishment and this at times causes unbearable pain for her when she tries to sleep at night. This, along with Laszlo’s constant infidelity and worsening drug habit, puts a strain on their marriage and E’’s presence also apparently puts a strain on the relationship between Van Buren and Laszlo.

All of a sudden, Van Buren is making pseudo antisemitic remarks and he hires a consultant to oversee the building of his new complex because he no longer sees Laszlo in the same light. And now Laszlo is not only trying to keep his marriage afloat but he’s also facing the scrutiny of this new overseer as well as the prejudices of the locals who are all Protestant.

Now, there’s certainly nothing wrong with this shift in the story but the problem is that Laszlo no longer feels like a protagonist. He’s now short with everyone he comes into contact with and he continues to seek solace in opium rather than his wife and niece who need him as they try and integrate themselves into this new life.

And as the story progresses you continue to lose respect for Laszlo as he drifts further and further into depravity, so much so that it puts him in a position where he’s ultimately assaulted by someone close to him. But even then, he doesn’t have the courage to stand up to the person, he instead sends his crippled wife to do so which puts her life in danger. Oh, and this all after he nearly kills his wife on accident by feeding her the same drugs he’s hooked on to try and help with her pain.

Now, again, I personally didn’t prefer this story arc but I could still see how it could be appealing to some. But then the last act of the film came and that’s when it completely fell apart.

For some reason, the film simply cuts away from the story’s climax, right in the middle of it (you can debate the reasons why but none of them are sufficient for Corbet doing so) and immediately switches to decades later without explaining why or what happened. And the film’s score, which was excellent up until this point, all of a sudden is modernized and what was once a brilliant four note song, now sounds like video game music for the Sega Genesis version of Night at the Roxbury! I truly wish I was joking but I’m not.

You’re all of a sudden taken to an empty gondola that’s drifting through Venice while this awful music is playing and eventually you wind up at some appreciation ceremony for Laszlo who is now himself wheelchair bound. But for some reason it looks like you’re watching someone’s home video at a fashion runway shoot, and Laszlo’s niece, who used to literally never say a word, is now speaking eloquently about Laszlo and his many accomplishments. And once her speech is over, the film ends. And that’s it! No explanation of what happened to his wife, to his attacker, or anything! Just bad techno music and an empty gondola ride! 3 and a half hours of this seemingly garbage human not having a positive impact on anyone’s life except for that of architecture nerds!

Seriously??? You couldn’t have told this story in under 2 hours? I was so upset at how this film turned and ultimately ended that I was up for another hour too fuming mad to go to sleep. So, it was in that moment that I decided to write this review so that no one else would waste a single second of their lives on this hipster garbage. Go watch an episode of the Boondocks instead if you truly want to know how the immigrant experience has an effect on people!

I give this movie a rating of WACK and you should avoid it at all costs!  

Captain America: Brave New World

I’m quickly approaching the age where people often say to themselves, “You know what, his mind is actually pretty sharp and he’s still able to live on his own; that’s so great to see!” And they then smile, wave and toss me a Werther’s Original before jetting off to their 5-star skiing vacation while thinking to themselves, “Man, I really hope he doesn’t die before we get back!”. And thankfully no, I’m not sick or anything, I’m just old and this is how people see me now!

So, knowing that this sad sentiment is out there, I figure it’s high time I find myself someone to take care of me before there’s some sad singing and flower brining at my apparently soon to be funeral. But I regularly find myself getting outplayed by this 50 year old dude who hangs out at Voldstead Lounge with all the youngins!

The first time I saw him I kind of giggled to myself because this guy literally looks like the real life version of Jeffrey Lebowski (The Big Lebowski); his hair is thinning, he’s out of shape and he’s stoned out of his mind. He’d wear his robe to the bar if it would pass dress code but thankfully for everyone involved, it doesn’t. But the more I watched this oddball, the more I realized that I had to step my game up. In the midst of this weekly crazy dance party, this old dude has dozens of people, including cute girls, flock to him and just hang around him for hours on end. And why, you may ask? Because he’s smokes everyone out; that’s why! He has a pocket full of blunts that he puts in constant rotation! There’s always a cloud of smoke and smoking hot women around this old burnout, meanwhile there’s me, the stereotypical angry Black man, just sitting the corner staring at them brimming with jealousy! Damn you Lebowski! If I weren’t Black and wouldn’t be thrown under the jail for 40 years, I’d match your clever play but alas I am Black and I don’t smoke weed!

So, I figure what I need is a spark; something that will shift the tide my way! I need something that will make the ladies flock to me like those old rich European women flock to Gambia every summer to get completely destroyed by the huge African Mandingos there! This is a real thing by the way. Women do fly to that part of Africa just to get banged by Africans and then fly back to their husbands or boyfriends who spent their summers getting blackout drunk in the pubs while banging each other, I assume. And I know what you’re thinking and yes, I did apply for citizenship to Gambia but the waitlist is crazy long!

So, in the meantime, I have to settle for the world being exposed to a Black Captain America! Come on Anthony Mackie, my hopes for finding a future mate are in your hands! We need enough racist white dudes to tweet, “Not MY Captain America!” to get white guilt back in the air so thick that white women flock to me with the hopes of paying me their version of reparations! The days of 40 acres and a mule are long gone, give me 40-24-40!

So, needless to say, I was there opening weekend. Now, I’ve basically been out on Marvel films since they dropped back to back flops in the last Ant-Man and Thor movies but as far as I can tell, Brave New World picks up a few years after Sam Wilson officially becomes the new Captain America. He has his own sidekick now in Joaquin Torres who is trying to learn the ropes when it comes to being the new Falcon. And they’re both trying to work with the new President, Thaddues Ross (Harrison Ford) who was once a lead military general who tried to take out both the Hulk and Abomination after their spat become a security issue for the entire world. However, the thing is, the Hulk, or Bruce Banner, was Ross’s daughter’s love interest at the time and trying to kill your daughter’s boyfriend doesn’t sit all that well with them from what I hear. So, needless to say, their relationship was rather strained as a result. And this obviously had a negative impact on how Ross viewed the Avengers.

But, after Cap and Falcon retrieve some stolen Adamantium (a metal alloy stronger than Vibranium) which was about to hit the black market, Ross decides to invite them to the White House in hopes that their brave act will be the much needed spark to get the leaders of the world to sign a global peace treaty. Well, once there, something odd happens and there is an attempt on Ross’s life. This not only puts the treaty on hold but now Ross no longer trusts Cap or any of his friends and Cap is now in a race to figure out what caused this assassination attempt before a world war breaks out over this new metal.

The plot sounds rather simple and refreshingly so I might add. For years Marvel has been caught up in these convoluted stories about the multi-verse and broken timelines and they spent so much time trying to explain how these things we were actually possible that they forgot to A. make the stories entertaining, B. have any direction whatsoever in regards to where they were ultimately going with these stories C. make the multi-verse actually cool and D. give us a badass villain with awesome superpowers.

So, they decided to dumb things down a bit and just gave us cool action scenes and a Red Hulk who jacks stuff up at the end. Anthony Mackie is becoming more and more comfortable as Cap and they made his suit and use of the shield the highlight of the story. Wakanda made his wings out of Vibranium for him so there’s all sorts of creative ways he can take on multiple guys with machine guns seeing as how he doesn’t have any actual superpowers himself. And this includes a really cool shootout scene with Sidewinder which comes close to being as cool as the shootout scene Sam Jackson had in The Winter Soldier Captain America movie.

Now, one of the main complaints is that the story relies on you remembering everything that happened in the 2008 Hulk film which was 17 years ago. And before the Red Hulk appears on the screen your main villain is some short weird looking dude whose head looks like a chemically damaged ball sack but heck, I forgot that the 2008 Hulk was actually Ed Norton and not the guy from Black Hawk Down and I still had zero issues following what was going on.

What I hope Marvel begins to realize is that, to a certain extent, it’s okay if their movies don’t all lead up to one huge battle with a Thanos or Kang the Conqueror after a series of films. As long as their movies focus on the main Avenger characters and they provide us with an actually cool villain who can wreck shop is memorable and thrilling ways, we’ll be happy. It’s just when they start focusing on the side characters that no one cares about i.e. Agatha the witch, Vision, or Wanda’s children that they lose us. Listen, I love Masta Killer and Inspectah Deck but only because they’re a part of Wu-Tang as a whole; no one really cares about their solo albums or tours. Well, the same applies here! Keep giving us the biggest stars.

And that’s why this film worked so well: Captain America vs. Red Hulk, lots of cool actions scenes, simple plot, and just enough funny jokes to keep things light.

This wasn’t the best film in the Marvel catalog but I certainly was entertained by it. And it’s because of this that I now have hope when it comes to finding my future wife! Game recognize game Black Captain America and you’re looking rather familiar right now! I give Brave New World a rating of FRESH!  

Anora

If you’ve ever read any article on this site, then you would already know the general disdain that I have for the overall strip club experience. I see zero point in sitting in a dark room with a bunch of other weird dudes while paying a ton of money to have a woman tease you to the point of erection simply to have her leave you after a 3-minute song is over. Why not go to a bar or the club and spend that same kind of money on a girl who you can actually take home with you?

And yes, I know there are shady clubs where you can go to the VIP room and pay money for extra-curricular activities but that’s such a pathetic move in my eyes. Plus, who knows how many have also partaken in such activities with your now special woman. But I’m certainly not here to trash strippers. Not at all. It’s quite the contrary. These women have mad dancing and acrobatic skills! And with the bodies they have, who wouldn’t like having their boobs and asses in their face? It’s just that I don’t see the need to pay for it.

But it’s crazy to me how going to strip clubs or even talking about them is no longer taboo. These days women want to tag along with guys to strip clubs and they’re even taking pole dancing classes to “get in shape”! Get in shape…suuuuure, there’s a reason I’m using a rose to like your profile and it’s certainly not because of your smile! It’s like the male’s version of, “I eat at Hooters because the wings taste really good”. I know there’s a freak in there just waiting to come out!

Hell, I was even watching a Cosby Show rerun the other night and they were having a rather heated discussion on strippers and whether or not it was cool to go see them. Yes, the Cosby Show! You must remember that this was an unbelievably wholesome show back in the day. So, for them to be talking about it at all is wild! But thankfully Cosby came to the rescue. He fed everyone some BBQ with his world-famous BBQ sauce that only he knows the recipe to. Once people began eating it, their anger quickly went away, the arguing stopped, and everyone immediately became horny and wanted to go home. Yes, this really did happen. He even bragged about how he had a special cup of the sauce up in the bedroom for him and his wife whenever she was ready. Yeah, that episode really did age well.

Well, the film Anora brings its own version of Cosby sauce as it follows the unreal whirlwind experience a young and ambitious stripper named Ani (Mikey Madison) after she meets the son of a powerful oligarch, Ivan (Mark Eydelshteyn). She and her counterparts are on the daily grind to simply get decent but not life changing money from the scrubs who frequent her club. But one night Ivan walks in and demands a stripper who can speak Russian.

The only one who even comes close to meeting this requirement is Ani but she initially has zero desire to go dance for this seemingly needy patron. But after being told he’s tossing around money like a madman, she decides to at least pop by for a bit. Ivan takes an instant liking to Ani and convinces her to stay the entire night with him at the club. He then offers to pay extra money for her to come home and have sex with him. And after a brief negotiation, she agrees. But once she arrives at his palace with a breathtaking lakeside view, she realizes that she might have stumbled upon an even bigger game changer than she initially thought. It’s easy money for her because Ivan is clearly a child with a huge bank account and all he cares about is playing video games, drinking, doing drugs and banging Ani. Any stripper in her world would kill for this deal.

Well, as Ivan continues to dole out loads of cash to Ani, she of course accepts. And the more they hang out, the more fun they have with one another. Ivan even gets to the point to where he takes her on trips with him and his friends. And after being introduced to this lavish lifestyle of over the top parties, private jets, luxury suites in Vegas and the like, it makes Ani think that she’s found the one. And it’s not just the money, she genuinely likes him. But this crazy adventure she’s on clearly blinds her to the fact that Ivan comes with some serious red flags. So, when Ivan asks her to marry him, she doesn’t hesitate to say yes.

Well, once they get married and word gets back to Ivan’s parents that he’s married a sex worker, all hell breaks loose! They immediately reject the notion that a sex worker will be a part of their family, not only because it’s frowned upon socially, but it could also have a negative impact on their business. A business that Ivan is supposed to inherit.

So, they order their handlers of Ivan to track him down and force an annulment. Once they arrive at Ivan’s house, he freaks out and just takes off running. And this leaves Ani, who is clearly losing her mind over what’s happening, with Ivan’s handlers. And they embark on this mission to try and find Ivan before his parents arrive in town. Things gets weird, violent, and just overall kind of sad as the search for him goes deeper and deeper into the night.

Madson does an amazing job of capturing the desperation that comes with someone who feels as though they finally caught a break in life only to see it slowly slipping away from her. She’s angry, confused, and just wants to talk to Ivan. She apparently spent months learning how to dance for this role while hanging around strippers and strip clubs so she could give a fair and accurate representation of them, their lifestyle and their dreams. And I have to say that for the most part she nailed it.

I mean, she’s way too small and skinny to be a stripper but she does nail the dances and I’d certainly throw a dollar or two her way. I’m sure there a strip clubs in the world where skinny strippers thrive, it’s just that I just grew up and still live in Texas, the land where we put queso and cornbread in future stripper’s baby bottles. Yes, we know when the doc cuts the chord who’s gonna be on a stage and who wont. Not all strippers have normal non stage names. There’s a lot of Cherries, Mercedes, and Sarahs out there! Yes, you heard that right, never trust a Sarah! They say they’ve never danced for anyone else but you before but you soon learn that her “late night palates class” is her twerking on stage to Cardi B for $50 a night and some leftover hot dogs from the kitchen.

Anyway, this film is worth seeing for Madison’s performance, the odd relationship that forms between her and one her handlers, and to see how Pretty Woman would play out in the real world. I give this movie a rating of Fresh!

A Complete Unknown

It’s crazy when you think about the kinds of musical heroes and songs that stay with and remain meaningful to us throughout decades of our lives. A buddy of mine and I were chatting it up with a beer tender this past weekend whose face lit up when a Waka Flocka Flame song came on over the speakers. She couldn’t help but dance and sing along because it reminded her of her eight-grade dance (yikes) and the first time she was ever exposed to grinding. Yes, middle school boys and girls were grinding on the dance floor.

And apparently, this experience was too much for her as it permanently scarred her and she hasn’t, in her words, “ground” since then. I tried to convince her that she was putting way too much thought into it and invited her to go grinding with me but, as it typically goes, I left the bar grinding with myself to the sounds of Fergilicious instead.

But this made me think about all the artists like Al Green, Tupac, Stevie Wonder, Outkast and the like who have stuck with and still mean so much to me today. And while I was thinking about the musicians who have been passed down from generation to generation in the Black community as important relics of our history, I found myself wondering why Bob Dylan has never made the cut. I mean, not even an honorable mention. Joni Mitchell gets some love and even Michael McDonald gets play here and there, but no Dylan.  

This man wrote incredible songs about equality and even played The March on Washington. Songs like Blowin’ in the Wind, The Ballad of Emmett Till, and Only a Pawn in their Game should at least get played every Black History Month out of respect for what the man did for the cause. He should be our music’s equivalent of the film industry’s “white savior”. Think Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon but without the selective love of certain “cafers” (Lethal Weapon 2 refence) and his obvious hate for Asians and gay people. Maybe we should find a Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey) for him to fight; someone call up Connor McGregor, he has just the right amount of racism in him to make this work!

Well, I decided to go support my fellow “brother” in the struggle and saw A Complete Unknown. Now, even though I do know some Dylan songs, I’m not the biggest fan. You cant really do much grinding, twerking, or even moshing to most or any of his music but I do have a great deal of respect for his songwriting. So, it did take me some time to actually go see this film. But after seeing Timothee Chalamet’s latest press run for a hopeful Oscar win, I thought I’d pop in.

The story introduces you to a young Dylan as he hitchhikes his way to make it to New York City. He’s on a journey to meet and introduce himself to Woodie Guthrie, a musical hero of his. Apparently, Guthrie has fallen ill and is permanently confined to a hospital in New Jersey to help keep him alive. When Dylan finally makes it there, he plays a song he wrote specifically for Guthrie and it blows Guthrie and his friend Pete Seeger (Ed Norton) away.

Pete decides to take Dylan under his wing and introduces him to the NYC folk scene which is on the brink of taking off thanks to the likes of Joan Baez (Monica Barbaro). Baez plays right before Dylan one night and you could see the instant chemistry between the two of them. They both recognized the massive talent that was effortlessly flowing from one another. But, as it would have it, Bob meets Sylvie Russo after a performance at a church one day and they wind up shacking up together.

And from there the film follows Dylan’s meteoric rise to fame as he writes beautiful and impactful songs that perfectly sum up, not only how messed up the events of the time were, but also how people were feeling about them. The film takes you through the U.S. being on the brink of war with Russia and everyone in New York panicking as a result of it. They all thought they were about to be wiped off the face of the earth by a nuclear bomb after Kennedy’s distressful Presidential Address to the Nation. This was also the night Dylan and Baez first hooked up mainly because they both thought they were about to die and Dylan performed one the aforementioned songs at a club that really hit home with her.

This made touring exciting for them because they were introducing folk and its power to the world while exploring whatever relationship they were potentially forming. And the film also focused on how Dylan continued to write more impactful songs as the nation was going through landmark events like the Civil Rights Movement and the Kennedy’s assassination. But the entire time, he was also trying to juggle his complicated and fading relationship with Sylvie; along with his fight with his record label and the promoters who only wanted him to stick to traditional folk songs.

There was an actual Rock-n-Roll star in him that was practically bursting out the seams but they tried everything they could to keep it in its cage. But Dylan kept fighting them every step of the way. And that’s what the film mainly focuses on, Dylan’s early career, his fight to break free of the musical shackles the industry tried to put on him, his struggle with his almost instant fame, and its effect on his relationships.

Now, I’ve always tolerated Chalamet because I’ve always seen him as a decent actor who knew how to play the whole heartthrob thing to a tee. But I never really took him seriously. He’s like 5’5” and weighs 60 lbs. And honestly, it was hard to see anyone else but Chalamet when the film started. I just saw this scrawny little scrub walking around on screen trying to be Dylan. But, as Dylan became more and more of a rebel, Chalamet did an a really good job of not only looking the part but actually somehow capturing the aura of Dylan. And pretty soon, I no longer saw Chalamet, I saw Dylan. Denzel Washington is the only other one who can pull this off. He’s so famous and has been around for so long that you go to see films of his simply because he’s in it. But he always has a way of morphing into his characters so perfectly that you no longer see Denzel but you see who he’s portraying. Malcolm X is the perfect example of this; he played that part so well that it was almost impossible to tell between him and the real thing when they showed photos and videos of Malcolm at the end. To this day, that remains the best acting job I’ve ever seen.

Well, unlike Denzel and Malcolm, Chalamet had to learn how to play the guitar and sing like Dylan. And it was unreal how well he absolutely nailed both. And when I say he nailed it, he absolutely did! First of all, let’s talk about the elephant in the room, Dylan is not the most attractive person who’s ever graced the stage. And he’s kind of jerk on a personal level too. So, to get Chalamet to play him in a movie is like the biggest glow up ever! I mean, let’s be real, Gilbert Gottfried (dated but spot on reference) would have been a more accurate representation because he has the hair and he wouldn’t even have to sing, his natural speaking voice sounds like Dylan.

But no one is paying to see Gottfried, people want to see Chalamet. And when they arrive they’ll be in for a treat. I haven’t seen Brody in The Brutalist yet but I’m casting my vote, for now, for Timmy to win Best Actor. He’s the reason you see this film. He nails Dylan’s singing voice and somehow makes him likeable. Norton and Barbaro are excellent too, especially when you see the tour de force (I so hate that term) they’re up against, as they are able to hold their own with someone like Dylan’s persona on the screen.

And the director James Mangold (Walk the Line) can almost make any story interesting, so the fact that he has such an interesting story to work with makes this two- and half-hour film feel more like an hour.

And it’s because of all these factors that I give this movie a rating of FRESH.   

The Substance

I get asked all the time, by people who don’t know me that is, why I’m still single. And to me, the answer is rather simple, I regularly offend women with what I consider to be my witty but slightly crude sense of humor. Wherever I see a line, I always feel the need to cross it. Now, luckily, I’m always able to get back on their good side with a smile and a funny rap lyric but any desire to have sex with me has completely flown out the window at that point. And it’s in that moment that I instantly become one of those starving kids from Africa you see in those sad infomercials. Except I’m not starving for food, I’m starving for…well you get the picture. Cue Sally Struthers and the sad music.

So, the only time of the year my humor kind of lands is on Halloween. For years I went as R. Kelly and walked around with a camcorder that said “I want to pee on you” on the side of it. And as you would expect, every girl who saw it either laughed out loud or was unbelievably disgusted by it. But what was strange is that every girl who acted disgusted quickly became curious as to whether or not I would actually pee on them and started hitting on me. It was always a bit concerning to me to say the least as I would always have to remind them that it was just a costume and nothing more. Sadly however, they’d always walk away disappointed, and the sad African music would immediately start playing again. But in spite of my missed opportunities for a peeing adventure, I’d call those experiences a tremendous success. So, how does one follow that up, you ask?

Well, of course I had to take it up a notch this year, so this past Halloween I decided to go as Diddy. I once did Diddy (um…not “did” Diddy, please don’t bring me up on charges, I mean dressed up as Diddy) years ago and even convinced a friend of mine to go as J-Lo. This is back when they were dating and had gotten themselves into trouble because someone from his car allegedly shot a patron as they were leaving a nightclub. Everyone loved our costume and said we were cute because apparently you can shoot another Black dude and no one cares. But enslave just a few girls who you promised to make famous, and everyone loses their minds! And no, I’m not talking about Hugh Hefner.

Well, this year as Diddy, I walked around with bottles of baby oil in my hands because…well, you know. And once again, 95 percent of the people who saw it thought it was hilarious. The other 5 percent included one dude who thought I was just walking around with baby oil because I’m a freak (understandable) and a former Lillith Fair attendee who simply thought I was reprehensible. But even she came back 5 minutes later and said she thought it was funny. But, unfortunately, unlike R. Kelly and the possibility of peeing foreplay, there was no sexual interest from anyone on that dark and lonely night.

So, what this tells me is that I have to step up my game to the maximum level next year and go as Cosby. If the only way I can get women to be interested in me is to dress up and look like monsters, I may as well go straight to the kingpin level. The only issue is I would have to keep putting roofies in their drinks to remind them that I’m Cosby; it would be like my cheap version of Severance. Whenever they start to doubt my freshness, hand them another pudding pop flavored latte and boom; we’re back in business. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. There is ZERO chance of me ever doing this! You see, I saw the line and ran right over that bitch! But there’s clearly something there when it comes to bad boys and women’s desire to bang them. So, I just have to find a happy medium between R. Kelly and Cosby; that’s all.

But the point is, I feel as though I have to dress myself up and look like a monster to be found attractive by the opposite sex and this kind of sums up the plot to The Substance in a nutshell. The film starts off by showing you an up close and personal shot of a young starlet getting her star installed on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And as it slowly timelapses, it shows you how fewer and fewer people notice the star as decades pass and more generations come into the world. It starts to fade and deteriorate and is basically forgotten as people go on with their lives.

And that’s when it switches its focus to Elisabeth (Demi Moore); the living, breathing version of the star just described. She was once the hottest thing in Hollywood as everyone loved her and she had the most popular fitness show on the air. But, as she approaches the graveyard age of 50, her show’s producer (Dennis Quaid) decides that it’s time to move on. Her time has passed, and the world needs someone who is younger and hotter.  

Elisabeth is devasted by this and gets in a major car wreck due to her being distracted. While in the hospital, she meets someone who introduces her to something called the Substance and they claim that it changed their lives. She immediately dismisses it but once she realizes that her fame is gone and there’s no one there to adore her, she decides to give it a shot.

The Substance is some revolutionary drug that allows you to spawn a younger, better version of yourself; but the catch is, you have to alternate every 7 days without fail between the younger and the normal version of yourself. And at first everything is great! Elizabeth’s spawn is, Sue (Margaret Qualley) the younger, better version of Elisabeth. Sue shows up to the audition to replace Elisabeth and absolutely nails it. She’s immediately offered the job and becomes an instant success.

The problem is, Sue enjoys the life that comes with being young, hot, and famous and she decides to start taking longer than the 7 days prescribed. It starts off with a few hours here and there and eventually it turns into weeks and months. The entire time completely ignoring the warning from the drug’s administrator letting her know there are consequences for going beyond the 7 days. Well, things get weird after the initial violation of the rules and they get unbelievably wild as the violations get worse. I’ll let you discover what happens on your own but just know that I am absolutely shocked that this film was nominated for Best Picture. Not because it’s not worthy of it but because it is definitely not for everyone!

I am a movie nerd, so I was loving every second of this film. And, for the most part, everyone else in the theater was loving the first 2 acts as well. But when you’re introduced to the monster at the end (not a Cosby monster mind you) that’s when things get bat shit crazy and bloody! It took all I had to keep from standing up and cheering. This is easily the craziest thing I’ve seen in the theater since Adrian Brody’s Splice in 2009. But that movie kind of sucked. Similar spawning ideas, I was entertained by it but it had nothing on The Substance.

I almost avoided seeing this film altogether because everything I read made it sound gimmicky. But what was supposedly a gimmick; the director’s up close and personal focus on sounds, faces, and goo actually enhanced the film versus taking away from it. First off, Demi Moore at age 62 is still stunning and she was great in this film. The entire time you’re thinking to yourself, “Dude! Take your money and go live it up somewhere in Africa. Black men will be all over you! “But she was too obsessed with the public’s perception of her.

But to be fair, the younger, better version of her in Sue was borderline perfect! Margeret Qualley is stunning and she plays the young up and comer beauty to a tee. Now, I know you may be thinking to yourself that it really cant be that hard to play someone beautiful but she does bring a certain nuance to the role that drives home the point of the film.

Elisabeth covering herself in makeup due to her insecurities made her look like a monster at one point in the film, and Sue’s obsession with holding on to fame turned her into a monster of her own as she took more and more time away from her original self. It really is fascinating as you can honestly see yourself in both characters. If you’re being honest with yourself, that is.

I think everyone should have been nominated for an Oscar as this was definitely the best film I saw in 2024 outside of Civil War. I give this movie a rating of TIGHT but I’m definitely going to need one of those Cosby lattes before watching it again.

Nickel Boys

I've watched Roots, Insecure, and R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet enough times to know what's what!

So, I can tell when something is truly black or not. And this is why you should think my review of Nickel Boys is on point. Now, I have to say upfront that this is one Colson Whitehead book I have not read, so, I don’t know how difficult it was to adapt it to a screenplay. But you know my thoughts on this; films should stand on their own merit regardless of how hard they are to adapt to the screen. And I read Underground Railroad and they totally softened it up for the streaming TV series. They pulled everything from the book that was considered too harsh or would make white people feel too bad. Sounds like our future grade school curriculum! And sadly, it appears the same occurred with this film.

Now, I must say that I have to give the director credit for doing the best with what they were given from a screenplay perspective. If the writers are going to pull the teeth from the story, at least film it in an interesting way. So, director, RaMell Ross (such a Black name) chose to film it from a first-person shooter perspective, similar to what you would see in a video game.

Just imagine Call of Duty: Black Ops (and yes I chose Black Ops intentionally) but instead of gunning people down, you’re having deep discussions about segregation, racial tensions, and making something of yourself despite your country’s every effort to hold you back. Doesn’t sound like much of a top seller in the game market, does it? And sadly, it’s not as much of a game changer on the big screen either. In fact, the only film I can think of that came close to pulling this off was the action film Hardcore Henry which came out 10 years ago. And while it was mildly entertaining, it was also rather forgettable. Kind of like Netflix films before Netflix started making their own films.

The only arena where this could work would be porn. Wait a second! First-person “shooter” porn?!? I think I may have just discovered the next TikTok! This is an amazing idea! Review over! This is all I can think about now! Can you imagine seeing a film with Tyffany Million or Eva Elfie where it seems like you’re the one actually banging them? This is genius! So many nerds would never leave their homes!

Although I have to say, this probably already exists and I just don’t know about it since I don’t watch porn. Full disclosure…I had to Google “top porn stars today” to come up with those names. The only ones I know are Jenna Jameson and Misty Rain and both of them are either dead or at the porn star retirement ranch in Vegas.

But anyway, my point still stands. Dramas about boys in a reform school in the south should be shot straight and the story should pull no punches. What makes the book so interesting is the fact that the Black side of the reform school had horrific beatings, torture, and the random disappearances of kids whenever they acted up in the eyes of their white taskmasters.

And while they mention it at times in the film, they never really show any of it. There’s one scene where they build up a beating that’s to come but when it was time they literally switched over to a black and white scene of butterflies flying around. It’s like when they made us watch Romeo and Juliet in school. When it came time to the scene where they banged, the teacher would stop the video, fast forward through the good stuff, and the next thing you know, Juliet is eating a peach while smiling at Romeo! What the hell? It felt like our first experience at a strip club. All foreplay, no finish!

But that’s honestly the closest they ever came to showing us or exposing us to any of the awful events that occurred at these types of reform schools. Sure, the final five minutes finally addresses it, kind of. But at that point you’re so bored from watching these two boys just sit around and talk about mundane stuff for 2 hours that you really don’t care anymore.

Look, we know this stuff happened but in order to keep it from happening again, you have to expose people to just how gruesome and evil racism is. But they simply don’t. They chose the path of going artsy instead and it’s because of this I give Nickel Boys a rating of really WEAK!

Den of Thieves Pantera

I recently dated a girl who asked me if things got serious enough between us would I ever consider moving to another city with her. Well, if you know anything about me and you know my love for this city, then you know that I gave a rather emphatic no! I mean, I truly do believe that Austin has everything that I want in a city outside of maybe Ana de Armas and a Fatburger that stays open until 2 in the morning. And again, if you know anything about me and my stupid reviews, I believe you already know where this review is headed. Of course, I’m going to throw in a lot of cheesy references to Ice Cube and Pantera songs. I gotta stay true to the game, son!

But, just like Rex Rocker, I am quickly approaching retirement age, and I thought to myself, is there a city that I could see myself moving to, or at the very least, visiting quite frequently? Wait, who I am kidding? I live in America, there is no such thing as retirement age. But still, I am getting crusty, so I do need to think about the possibility of me tricking someone into buying one of my screenplays so I can retire to a villa somewhere off the coast. So, naturally the South of France came to mind.

Sure, it may not have Tex-Mex, BBQ, or the Dallas Cowboys but it does have breathtakingly beautiful views of the Mediterranean Sea. Along with, of course, Daft Punk playing champagne pong on the beach, fresh croissants with a side of wine for breakfast, and Ana de Armas whenever she decides to take a holiday from Spain. I mean, that’s basically heaven on Earth if you ask me. But the most appealing part of that area of the world is the fact that it also has the annual Cannes Film Festival. This is an event where everyone dresses up in tuxedos and ballgowns while they walk around town getting drunk, seeing indie films, and eating the best food the world has to offer. What more can you ask for in life? Well, I guess the triple dipper combo imported from Chili’s for a late snack wouldn’t be bad but we cant have all the fine things this life has to offer. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

Well, I was fortunate enough to attend this festival one year, but I was far too broke to buy a tuxedo on the spot. So, all I could do was sneak into random parties, pretend like I could say or understand more than 5 or 6 French words, and somehow wound up charming some young waitress who wanted to um…show me the cool late night spots around town. That is, until some hater got jealous and told her manager on her. Apparently, she wasn’t giving him enough attention. A total mark Zuckerberg move if you ask me. I wanted to yell “Fool, you know how we do it!” but I was lucky they hadn’t kicked me out of the party after clearly realizing that I didn’t  belong, so I chose not to push it.

Anyway, I’ve always wanted to go back like a baller so I could truly live it up this time and I believe that the film Den of Thieves Pantera has given me the inspiration that I so desperately needed. Also, I hope to walk by the Cemetery Gates and yell at that c blocking clown who I’m sure has died of Covid since then. He smoked way too many skinny cigarettes and he looked like he only drank cheap wine. So, clearly that fool is six feet deep by now.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “Why all of the references to Ice Cube?” Well, that’s because his son is one of the stars of this film. To be honest, I really don’t remember much of the first Den of Thieves, but I do remember liking it quite a bit and I do remember that little Ice Cube aka O’Shea Jackson Jr. got away with all the money in the end.

Well, this movie takes place a few years after he pulled off their incredible heist of the U.S. Federal Reserve. This time, after pulling off another exciting heist in Europe, we see little Cube has now upped the stakes and is looking to pull off one of the greatest heists this world has ever known. He is looking to rob the well-guarded diamond district in Nice, France. And when I say well-guarded, think Tom Cruise breaking into CIA headquarters in Langley security but without the gross laxatives.

Well, the only thing that could possibly get in his way is Gerard Butler, the cop who was hoodwinked by little Cube in the first Den of Thieves. But Butler has fallen on hard times since we last saw him because no one believes that any money was stolen (they address this early on in the sequel) yet he still seems obsessed with not only finding little Cube but linking him to the federal Reserve heist. All of his colleagues have deserted him and even his wife and kids have left him.

But after he gets wind of what took place in Europe, he tracks down little Cube in France. He hooks up with the local police there to try and get a sense of what his next score is going to be. But a funny thing happens, once he does figure out what he’s up to, he realizes that it’s too fat of a paycheck to pass up. He figures that everyone has deserted him and that he’s tired of being broke, so why not use his smarts and skills to help Cube pulls this off.

But can little Cube trust him, or should he have his crew simply kill him with a bop gun? For most of the film, the writers play it safe; it’s a standard getting to know you/bonding storyline where both characters get a deeper understanding of why they do what they do while gaining the trust of each other and Cube’s crew.

It isn’t until the film’s third act where stuff gets crazy once the heist goes down. The Sicilian mob is involved, the highly trained security of the diamond district plays a huge role, and some disgruntled former crew members of Cube’s show up to wreck shop too. The ending is a little cheesy but it’s the kind of ending you want for this film. It’s a film that carries a serious tone but thankfully doesn’t take itself too seriously.

At a 144-minute run time you’d think you’d get bored but the storytelling and the beautiful shots of Nice keeps you engaged the entire time. And this is exactly why I enjoyed this film. We’re in the Oscar nominated season of movie releases so it’s refreshing to see something that won’t make you cry or wont bore you to death with 20 minute shots of people staring into each other’s eyes.

And it’s because of this, I give Pantera a rating of FRESH! So, hit it up and give your best Westside Connection yell as you walk in. Oooooh oooooo!!!!