I ask that you please bear with me as I take you through
this emotional journey of mine. I promise that the final destination will be
one that will give you a pretty clear picture of what a lot of Black people are
feeling right now. I grew up in a small town in South Texas that was for the
most part segregated. And no I’m not 65 years old and am recalling the days of
when television and movies were all in black and white, I grew up watching G.I.
Joe and reruns of Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back, so it was a time where
you would think we would be living in a more civilized society.
The town I lived in wasn’t overtly racist or anything but we
did have high schools that were predominantly white or predominantly black and
brown; and thankfully for the cokeheads out there, we did have a private Catholic
high school where no one would judge you if you happened to have a “random
nosebleed”. So, it was basically Robert Downey Jr.’s wet dream before he got
sober and became Ironman. On occasion there would be the random kid who yelled the
word nigger at me, and of course since I went to the white high school and didn’t
look and act like the Black people they saw in movies, they would say ignorant
things like “Oh, you’re not really black” or “I’m blacker than you are”. Let me
help you out white people, just because you’ve heard an Outkast song or two,
that doesn’t give you the normal experience of a Black human in this world. I
use this word human because there weren’t very many moments in my life where I
actually felt like people viewed me as such; I’ve always either been seen as an
encyclopedia for insight into Black history or merely a punching bag for those to
unleash their casual racism on. The latter of which are the people who tell you racist
jokes to prove they’re not actually racist; they tell you these awful things to
show you that they are more woke than other white people. Well let me clue you
in on something, that crap isn’t funny and it never will be!
So, it wasn’t long before I realized that small town Texas just
wasn’t for me. My grandfather would tell me stories of how every time we drove
through Austin, Texas I would tell him how I wanted to live there when I got
older. I loved the sight of the Frank Erwin Center and even as a kid, 6th
street (now known as Dirty 6th) sounded like a place that everyone
could enjoy. Well wouldn’t you know it, even though I didn’t consciously make
the decision to live up to that childhood dream of mine, here I am! And
honestly, at least initially, it was everything I had hoped for.
But before we get to that, I had never really experienced
any type of police harassment when I lived in that small town in Texas. I mean,
I had heard stories from my friends who went to the black and brown school and how
they were treated unfairly. And of course, my parents, aunts, uncles, and
grandparents told me all of the horror stories they experienced when they were
growing up but that all sounded like a foreign movie to me. Don’t get me wrong,
my friend and I had the random “being followed around the store” experience
quite a bit but the hip hop I listened to prepared me for that. It was the truly
brutal images that Tupac and Ice Cube painted when they eloquently described
the things that were happening in their neighborhoods that seemed like
something that would occur in a foreign land, not anything that would happen here.
It wasn’t until I went to college in Dallas that I got my first taste of what
most of my Black brothers and sisters had been telling me for years.
I went to a private school where a lot of CEO’s, government
officials, and school presidents sent their kids to get their education so they
could follow in their footsteps. My middle-class self was there on scholarship
and was simply hoping to graduate. But to their credit none of the students
made me feel like I was out of place, not until it was time to rush for a
fraternity that is; that’s where I saw their desire to find a token Black kid to
prove that they were diverse and progressive. I also saw a fraternity proudly
displaying their Confederate flag and their all Black cleaning crew to let me
know that I clearly wasn’t welcomed there unless I had a broom in hand. That
was a pretty disgusting display but it was nothing that truly shocked me; I did
grow up in South Texas after all. But the first day that I noticed cops following
me around campus was the day that I started to fear for my life. My cousins,
along with my brother who had all lived in Dallas for most of their lives,
warned me about the cops and their attitudes towards Black people but for the
most part I brushed it off. It wasn’t until I noticed that both the campus cops
and the DPD were immediately turning around and following me the second they
saw a Black man driving onto this campus that I realized something was off. They
were not hiding the fact that they were calling into dispatch to see if the
little Chevy S-10 pickup I was driving was reported stolen. It didn’t matter
that I looked 16 and was wearing Steve Urkel glasses as I was driving, all they
saw was someone who was guilty until proven innocent; the exact opposite of
what this country’s justice system is built on. And after following me for
quite some time, they finally decided that I wasn’t up to anything nefarious and
would eventually drive off but this was something that happened multiple times a week
literally every week I was in school.
A lot of people now, and even then, when I told kids about
this, would say that I was simply being dramatic or paranoid but none of my
white friends ever had this happen to them. My brother and cousins told me
story after story of being harassed by cops and now suddenly this felt like
something that could happen to me! I made up my mind right then and there that
I had to get out of that town. And that’s how I ended up in Austin. Now you
must be asking, well what does any of this have to do with George Floyd? Trust
me, I’m getting there.
I finally get to my sanctuary, Austin Texas, land of live
music, bar-b-que, and lots and lots of white people. The last part is significant
because it reminded me of high school, as long as I hang out with a lot of
white people, I’ll be just fine. Sure, as I went to my Black church on Sundays
I heard stories of how bad the cops were but again, it all felt foreign to me, I
didn’t see any of this myself so it couldn’t be true; not here in Austin! It
wasn’t until I moved to the black and brown side of town to be closer to the
live music that I finally had my moment. I was walking home by myself from a
show and all of a sudden, I see a car speeding towards me going at least 50 mph
on a residential street. Keep in mind, this is the poorer side of town, so there’s
no sidewalk, I have no choice but to walk on the grass or walk on the street
like everyone else did. Well seeing as how I see a car coming that fast at this
time of the night, I automatically assume it’s a drunk driver and I casually
step behind one of the many parked cars on the street to keep from getting hit.
The next thing I know these bright lights start flashing and an angry cop jumps
out of the passenger seat. He runs towards me and unsnaps the button to the holder
that’s holding his gun so that he can draw it on me! I have no idea what’s going
on but I immediately throw my hands in the air and ask what the hell is happening.
He’s very aggressive, gets right in my face and asks me what the hell I’m doing.
I brown out at this point due to my fear and have no clue what transpires for
the most part after that but I will tell you that I still look like Urkel at
this point. I’m just a little older but there’s nothing remotely frightening
about me. I’m simply walking home just like the dozens of white people had done
prior to me as they walked back to the newly built condo that fully represented
the gentrification that was taking place on that side of town.
The only thing I remember was telling him that I was walking
home and asking him to take a long hard look at how I was dressed; how could I
be up to anything. He said, while never taking his hand off his gun, that the
area had a lot of break-ins recently and he was ensuring that I wasn’t trying
to steal a car. Well what’s funny is that none of my white friends who had also
gone out that night had a run in with these cops; apparently, I was the only
one who was pulled over. I don’t think I can overemphasize what it feels like
to have a cop ready to draw his deadly weapon on you while he screams in your
face but believe me when I say it’s traumatizing; especially when you consider
all of the experiences your family and friends have shared with you before this.
I didn’t go into specifics about what was shared with me until now for a reason
because I wanted you to think about what was running through my mind as this
happened. In this moment, I was thinking of all the beatings, the raping, and
the killings that I had been warned about and it was when I had this cop
intimidating me that I thought I was going to be another statistic.
Eventually the cop let me go without an apology but as I
walked home, I realized that ever since college I had been literally and audibly
gasping every time I saw a cop. I had suppressed these reactions and my general
fear of the police because I wanted to maintain the illusion of safety in my
sanctuary; Austin couldn’t be like this, not the place with the Frank Erwin
Center and 6th street. But it was true! And to this day, I audibly
gasp in fear when I see a cop. I always think at that moment, is this the time
where CNN will run a story about me? Will I be one of the thousands of stories
that don’t make the news? Will my mom have to cry over loss of a son that’s
done absolutely nothing wrong? Clearly, they don’t see any difference between
someone with a criminal record and someone who has a college education; we all look
the same to them. This is a feeling no one should have to live with every day.
No one should live in fear of the people who were hired to protect them.
So now finally George Floyd. We of course all remember what
happened to the innocent teen who was simply walking home with a soda and a bag
of Skittles (Trayvon Martin) and was shot dead by a racist white man. We all
remember Eric Garner being understandably upset after being stopped for the 30th
time by cops on the street and subsequently being suffocated to death over some
loose cigarettes. We remember the 12-year-old kid (Tamir Rice) who was playing
by himself in a park with a cap gun being gunned down by a policeman because he
was seen as a threat. We all remember Sandra Bland driving home from work committing
“suicide” in prison after being arrested for an illegal lane change. We all
remember Ahmaud Arbery being murdered by racists in Georgia for having the
audacity to jog in their neighborhood. We of course remember Breonna Taylor
being shot and killed in her own bed because her boyfriend fit the description
of someone they already had in custody. We all remember George Floyd being
gruesomely killed in the middle of the street in broad daylight by a cop for 8
minutes and 46 seconds over the possibility that he may have used a fake $20
bill. Not many of us know of Fred Hampton being set up and killed by the FBI in
his own bed for trying to unify black, brown, and white people to help edify
the lower income and disenfranchised communities.
And after each one of these incidents, Black people were
enraged and sometimes even marched for justice. But it wasn’t until we had been
forced to stay at home for months at a time due to Coronavirus that a true movement
was seemingly underway. It wasn’t until millions of people were unemployed,
depressed, angry, and forced to look at the horror of the George Floyd murder that
people of all races, backgrounds, and socio-economic status started to get off
the couch and protest in anger! We saw buildings burn, highways get blocked off,
and stores being looted. It seemed like real change was happening! I even saw white
people form a wall in front of Black people to keep them from being tear gassed!
Could this finally be it? Could this finally be the moment where we see the government get called out for using the clause in the 13th Amendment to keep slavery
legal? Could I finally feel safe walking out of my apartment again? People had
to keep this going until they saw change! They had to be tired of seeing what I
was seeing, Black people repeatedly dying at the hands of the cops! They had to
finally be tired of white people coming up with excuses as to why these cops
killed so many Blacks, tired of seeing the unbelievable discrepancy in Black
people being pulled over and arrested. The country had to finally see that
systemic racism didn’t end when Obama was elected.
Well as it turned out, I should have paid attention to my
Black friends and family when they all looked at me with the side eye as I said
these things to them. I was so excited and so passionate over the fact that
change was going to come like Sam Cooke had promised! I had seen White, Asian, and Hispanic people
at these marches. People were posting constantly about racism and how they could
get better. People were buying books online and were donating to and joining organizations
like Black Lives Matter! NASCAR and even the NFL were changing their tone! But
all the while my Black friends were telling me, just wait; we’ve seen this movie
before and we know how it ends. Well three weeks into the movement, after George
Floyd’s final funeral, after a few lame press conferences where empty promises
were being made, it seems like everything has returned to “normal”. There’s
less coverage of the actual protests and what the people really want, social
media posts are returning to their normal mundane bullshit, and the return of
sports is just around the corner.
I’ve gone downtown to the Austin Police Department and the
State Capitol and there are fewer and fewer people gathered there each day. People
have their Facebook and Instagram posts of them attending marches, they’ve
ordered their book from a black owned store, and they’ve told their black
friend that they’re an ally so now they feel good about themselves. But at the
end of the day, police departments and city councils will delay the official
votes on the changes they've proposed, the police unions will reject them and things
will stay the same. And even in the cities where the proposed changes pass, the
cops and the culture all still remain in place, so they of course won’t take
the changes seriously and will continue to do what they’ve been trained to do. They
will focus on criminalization and approaching every person who doesn’t look
like them as the enemy. White people won’t notice this because their lives won’t
change but me and my fellow Black friends will certainly notice. We’ll continue
to live in fear each and every time we see a cop.
I will forever remember the day that I walked home from a night
of what I thought would be more protests. To this point, I had pleaded with
cops to stop killing us and shouted the chants that everyone else had chanted, “No
Justice, No Peace”, “Black Lives Matter”, “What’s His Name? George Floyd!” And
with each chant, I had several cops look at me as if they wanted to jump and
beat me right then and there. Well the night I was walking home by myself with my
protest sign, the streets were empty because people had lost interest in the protest
and most of the bars and restaurants were closed due to Covid-19. So, it was just
me, my protest sign, and the random cops on bikes and motorized vehicles who
were passing by me. These cops had been working 12 hour shifts and were clearly
on edge after two plus weeks of people yelling at them; there was nothing to
keep them from unleashing their frustration on me. It was in this moment that I once again feared walking the streets of my sanctuary city! And sadly, ever since
that day, that feeling has never left me. I honestly don’t feel as though there’s
any place in America where I can feel safe. No significant changes have been
made and my Black friends who were suspect were right all along; this is the
worst version of Groundhog Day that has ever existed!