The Substance

I get asked all the time, by people who don’t know me that is, why I’m still single. And to me, the answer is rather simple, I regularly offend women with what I consider to be my witty but slightly crude sense of humor. Wherever I see a line, I always feel the need to cross it. Now, luckily, I’m always able to get back on their good side with a smile and a funny rap lyric but any desire to have sex with me has completely flown out the window at that point. And it’s in that moment that I instantly become one of those starving kids from Africa you see in those sad infomercials. Except I’m not starving for food, I’m starving for…well you get the picture. Cue Sally Struthers and the sad music.

So, the only time of the year my humor kind of lands is on Halloween. For years I went as R. Kelly and walked around with a camcorder that said “I want to pee on you” on the side of it. And as you would expect, every girl who saw it either laughed out loud or was unbelievably disgusted by it. But what was strange is that every girl who acted disgusted quickly became curious as to whether or not I would actually pee on them and started hitting on me. It was always a bit concerning to me to say the least as I would always have to remind them that it was just a costume and nothing more. Sadly however, they’d always walk away disappointed, and the sad African music would immediately start playing again. But in spite of my missed opportunities for a peeing adventure, I’d call those experiences a tremendous success. So, how does one follow that up, you ask?

Well, of course I had to take it up a notch this year, so this past Halloween I decided to go as Diddy. I once did Diddy (um…not “did” Diddy, please don’t bring me up on charges, I mean dressed up as Diddy) years ago and even convinced a friend of mine to go as J-Lo. This is back when they were dating and had gotten themselves into trouble because someone from his car allegedly shot a patron as they were leaving a nightclub. Everyone loved our costume and said we were cute because apparently you can shoot another Black dude and no one cares. But enslave just a few girls who you promised to make famous, and everyone loses their minds! And no, I’m not talking about Hugh Hefner.

Well, this year as Diddy, I walked around with bottles of baby oil in my hands because…well, you know. And once again, 95 percent of the people who saw it thought it was hilarious. The other 5 percent included one dude who thought I was just walking around with baby oil because I’m a freak (understandable) and a former Lillith Fair attendee who simply thought I was reprehensible. But even she came back 5 minutes later and said she thought it was funny. But, unfortunately, unlike R. Kelly and the possibility of peeing foreplay, there was no sexual interest from anyone on that dark and lonely night.

So, what this tells me is that I have to step up my game to the maximum level next year and go as Cosby. If the only way I can get women to be interested in me is to dress up and look like monsters, I may as well go straight to the kingpin level. The only issue is I would have to keep putting roofies in their drinks to remind them that I’m Cosby; it would be like my cheap version of Severance. Whenever they start to doubt my freshness, hand them another pudding pop flavored latte and boom; we’re back in business. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. There is ZERO chance of me ever doing this! You see, I saw the line and ran right over that bitch! But there’s clearly something there when it comes to bad boys and women’s desire to bang them. So, I just have to find a happy medium between R. Kelly and Cosby; that’s all.

But the point is, I feel as though I have to dress myself up and look like a monster to be found attractive by the opposite sex and this kind of sums up the plot to The Substance in a nutshell. The film starts off by showing you an up close and personal shot of a young starlet getting her star installed on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And as it slowly timelapses, it shows you how fewer and fewer people notice the star as decades pass and more generations come into the world. It starts to fade and deteriorate and is basically forgotten as people go on with their lives.

And that’s when it switches its focus to Elisabeth (Demi Moore); the living, breathing version of the star just described. She was once the hottest thing in Hollywood as everyone loved her and she had the most popular fitness show on the air. But, as she approaches the graveyard age of 50, her show’s producer (Dennis Quaid) decides that it’s time to move on. Her time has passed, and the world needs someone who is younger and hotter.  

Elisabeth is devasted by this and gets in a major car wreck due to her being distracted. While in the hospital, she meets someone who introduces her to something called the Substance and they claim that it changed their lives. She immediately dismisses it but once she realizes that her fame is gone and there’s no one there to adore her, she decides to give it a shot.

The Substance is some revolutionary drug that allows you to spawn a younger, better version of yourself; but the catch is, you have to alternate every 7 days without fail between the younger and the normal version of yourself. And at first everything is great! Elizabeth’s spawn is, Sue (Margaret Qualley) the younger, better version of Elisabeth. Sue shows up to the audition to replace Elisabeth and absolutely nails it. She’s immediately offered the job and becomes an instant success.

The problem is, Sue enjoys the life that comes with being young, hot, and famous and she decides to start taking longer than the 7 days prescribed. It starts off with a few hours here and there and eventually it turns into weeks and months. The entire time completely ignoring the warning from the drug’s administrator letting her know there are consequences for going beyond the 7 days. Well, things get weird after the initial violation of the rules and they get unbelievably wild as the violations get worse. I’ll let you discover what happens on your own but just know that I am absolutely shocked that this film was nominated for Best Picture. Not because it’s not worthy of it but because it is definitely not for everyone!

I am a movie nerd, so I was loving every second of this film. And, for the most part, everyone else in the theater was loving the first 2 acts as well. But when you’re introduced to the monster at the end (not a Cosby monster mind you) that’s when things get bat shit crazy and bloody! It took all I had to keep from standing up and cheering. This is easily the craziest thing I’ve seen in the theater since Adrian Brody’s Splice in 2009. But that movie kind of sucked. Similar spawning ideas, I was entertained by it but it had nothing on The Substance.

I almost avoided seeing this film altogether because everything I read made it sound gimmicky. But what was supposedly a gimmick; the director’s up close and personal focus on sounds, faces, and goo actually enhanced the film versus taking away from it. First off, Demi Moore at age 62 is still stunning and she was great in this film. The entire time you’re thinking to yourself, “Dude! Take your money and go live it up somewhere in Africa. Black men will be all over you! “But she was too obsessed with the public’s perception of her.

But to be fair, the younger, better version of her in Sue was borderline perfect! Margeret Qualley is stunning and she plays the young up and comer beauty to a tee. Now, I know you may be thinking to yourself that it really cant be that hard to play someone beautiful but she does bring a certain nuance to the role that drives home the point of the film.

Elisabeth covering herself in makeup due to her insecurities made her look like a monster at one point in the film, and Sue’s obsession with holding on to fame turned her into a monster of her own as she took more and more time away from her original self. It really is fascinating as you can honestly see yourself in both characters. If you’re being honest with yourself, that is.

I think everyone should have been nominated for an Oscar as this was definitely the best film I saw in 2024 outside of Civil War. I give this movie a rating of TIGHT but I’m definitely going to need one of those Cosby lattes before watching it again.