Justice League

Even though I grew up in the country, I thankfully came from a family that didn’t completely resort to the typical country ways. We by no means lived lavishly but we also never settled for knock off brands items either. While some of my friends would come home with Plaza Strawberry soda, I was always treated to the real deal in Big Red. And when kids would show up rocking Jordans that didn’t actually have the Jordan symbol on it anywhere, I’d break out my British Knights and Reebok pumps just so I could get schooled on the court while looking good in the process. Now don’t get me wrong, country parents would spent money on the things they thought were important, things like John Deere tractors and ostrich boots, but in order to afford these things, they’d skimp on nonessentials like food and drink. And you could always tell who was covering their Chief Boyardee with Hans Ketchup simply by how it looked (picture me giving my friend the side eye while saying "Yo dawg, there’s no I in Chef."). And it’s because I grew up in this environment that I am able to easily spot the real deal from the fake stuff when I see it.

Well as much as I like the DC movies and what they try and do with them, I hate to say that Justice League falls into the Chief Boyardee category. Due to the fact that Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies made billions of dollars and were critically acclaimed, he was able to do whatever he wanted with them, which meant there was still some level of creativity being brought to superhero movies at the time. And thankfully this freedom was also extended to the Batman vs Superman movie he produced, which explains why that was such a good film. But by the time that movie rolled out, all of Hollywood had been brain washed Get Out style to believe that the mind numbing nonsense that Marvel had been rolling out was the only way to go, so anything that deviated from that formula had to be trash; at least in the eyes of critics. So they labeled Batman vs Superman dark and joyless, prompting the DC world to succumb to the pressures of fitting in and adapting to the ways of the Dark Side (Marvel).

Now I know that The Avengers’ writer/director Joss Whedon had already been working with Justice League’s director Zach Snyder in some small capacity before his tragic exit but once Snyder left, you could totally feel Whedon’s footprints all over this film. Once Snyder was gone, the producers could get away with injecting as much cheesy humor and recycled action scenes as their hearts desired; and boy did they ever take advantage of their opportunity.

The plot is completely forgettable as there’s some scrub with horns on his head called Steppenwolf who returns to Earth to collect three random boxes that he will use to regain his power to reign chaos and destruction upon anyone who gets in his way. But in order to do so, he must fight the Amazonian women (Wonder Woman’s old crew) and the people of Atlantis (Aquaman’s crew) to get them. As usual, the fight scenes with the Amazons are cool but they only last for about 5 minutes. And the fight scenes in the underwater city of Atlantis were also about 5 minutes long but they were in no way cool. Now I thought going in that there would be no way to keep Aquaman from being lame, and for the most part I was right; but I do give Jason Momoa a ton of credit for trying his best. Women will love him because he’s in incredible shape and shows his chest off every opportunity he gets; and guys will love him because he will forever be known as the dude who took Daenerys Targaryen’s cherry. Actually, that makes me hate him, so no, Aquaman was not cool in any way! "That’s my pie!!!"

But Aquaman and Atlantis weren’t the major issues I had with this film; the problem lies in its lack of heart. Sure they tried injecting some lame touchy moments between Superman, Lois Lane, and his mom once he returned from the dead but it was totally forced and felt out of place. And every time the film would try and be serious in any way, the Flash would crack some barely funny joke to remind us that they were just like Marvel. It felt like I was watching the NFL on CBS and hearing Greg Gumbel drop words like propers and pimp in an attempt to remind people that he’s indeed Black and hip. No you’re not homie, no you’re not (see what I did there?).

Now the movie wasn’t all bad, as the action scenes with The Flash were actually fun and had high quality CGI in them, even though they were completely ripped off from the X-Men films and their scenes with Quicksilver. And for the first time maybe ever, Superman was a badass. The second he was revived, he came out of the grave wrecking shop! I actually found myself rooting for him; something that hasn’t happened since he had to save Richard Pryor in Superman III.

All in all, I did like this film but barely. I’d say it’s worth a watch if you’re bored or if you’re deciding between this or Bad Moms 2: No One Gets Naked. By the way, how is that possible? You can’t have a rated R movie called Bad Moms and no one gets naked in it!!! Anyway, I give Justice League a rating of kind of WEAK.