First of all, I would like to start off by saying that you
have my boss to thank for my latest manic episode. Why is this, you ask? Well it’s
because she just recently had her first child and all throughout the entire pregnancy,
she acted like a total dude about it. Don’t get me wrong, she was excited that
she was having a baby and all but she was not a fan of the being pregnant piece
of it. She missed being able to drink, run, and basically do any of the things
that normal human beings do, such as walking around the house without having an
eight-pound kangaroo in your pouch. So, by the time she finally had the baby,
she felt this overwhelming sense of relief but then one day out of the blue she
told me “you know what Kelly? Once you actually have the baby, it totally
changes everything”.
Well wouldn’t you know it, that very night I had a horrible
nightmare that my girlfriend and I had a baby! First of all, neither of us want
to have a baby AT ALL, so the mere fact that I’m even typing this is making me nervous
and nauseous. But when the baby came out, I felt like a complete jerk because I
didn’t feel any different about having a child, I was just like “meh”. I mean,
the baby looked like me and all, which is good, but she just had a really big
head and simply laid there while doing nothing. That is until it was my turn to
take care of her and she started talking! And I don’t mean goo goo ga ga talk,
I mean she spoke fluent English with a little Spanish mixed in for some flavor!
I of course started freaking out! And the worst part was she still wasn’t potty
trained, so she continued to poop on herself just to be a jerk. So here I am
with this snarky alien baby and I don’t know what to do. It was at the point
that she started critiquing my Spotify Top 10 Artists of 2019 list that I woke
up yelling in a cold sweat!
Why did I just waste 372 words telling you this? Well first
of all, that’s what this blog is, a funny waste of time, but these words also serve
as a forewarning! Don’t let professional schemers like Hollywood execs, comic book
nerds, or even friendly strippers trick you into something you know is going to
be terrible with their seducing words and/or dances. After watching The Last
Jedi, I knew there was no way The Rise of Skywalker would be any good. Last
Jedi had everything going for it; a fairly decent The Force Awakens and an
excellent Rogue One to proceed it and it also had the uber talented Rian
Johnson writing and directing it. And what wound up happening? We got zombie
princesses flying through space, a new character that fans somehow hated more
than Jar Jar Binks, and Morton Downey Jr being reincarnated as Luke Skywalker
(dated reference but you get the point).
So, if that movie failed, there’s no way J.J. Abrams of all
people could save the franchise. But there I was, staying up late on a school
night hoping like hell that this wouldn’t be the new Game of Thrones. Well I’m
sorry to say it kids but I was served a shit sandwich; one that was a lot
stinkier than the one my imaginary baby gave me in my dreams. I’d say to watch
out for spoilers but this movie is already rotten to the core, so there’s no
spoiling going on here.
First of all, nothing in the movie makes any sense;
characters die and miraculously come back, people are saved in the most ridiculous
of ways, and jedi masters apparently can’t recognize jedi mind tricks. The last
example of just a few of my many complaints is a bit nerdy but still, if I’m
seeing a movie at midnight, I get to be nerdy dammit! Remember when Avatar first
came out and it was the first time 3-D was done right? Everyone was losing
their minds over it! But now that we’ve been overexposed to 3-D, you look back
and realize that movie is almost unwatchable because the story was lame and the
acting in it makes Keanu Reeves seem like Robert DeNiro.
Well it’s the same with CGI, when we were first exposed to
CGI, plots weren’t really necessary because you were just amazed by what you
were experiencing visually. But now that it’s been around for some time, you
can’t get away with having a thin plot and hope that giving the audience 2 hours
of mindless and pointless CGI battles will work. Keep in mind that this is an
action junkie who just typed those words. After about an hour into this nonsense,
I was already looking down at my watch to see how much time was left. 98% of
what happened in the movies that preceded it meant absolutely nothing in this
film. All of the relationships that were formed were for the most part
discarded, love interests mysteriously went away, and love her or hate her, poor
Rose was relegated to one liners and about 5 minutes of screen time.
Now Skywalker wasn’t all bad; there was some unintentional
freshness in it. The fact that an 82-year-old Billy Dee Williams was just
hanging out at an alien Mardi-Gras hoping to see some boobs was kind of tight.
The Emperor looking like an electro DJ at a rave at the end while destroying
spaceships was entertaining. And the little weird underground doctor that worked
on C-3PO was genuinely funny but 20 minutes of freshness does not make up for
the other 2 hours of lameness I had to sit through.
I thought about changing the rating of Wack to Trash but it’s
hard for me to call someone’s art trash and honestly this movie isn’t quite
that bad, so I’ll just give a rating of really, really WEAK! Go watch Queen and
Slim instead and wear condoms. Be safe out there kids!
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