Star Wars: The Last Jedi

As I watched for the first time this week what most would consider to be American classics in Robert Deniro’s Raging Bull and Beyonce’s Lemonade, I wondered to myself, "Would I even like the original Star Wars movies if I was just seeing them for the first time as an adult?" I mean, characters like Han Solo, R2D2, Yoda, and of course Billy Dee Williams (who cares what his character’s name was) will always stand the test of time. But looking back, it took a while for me to like Luke because he was kind of a whiny little bitch in A New Hope. And along those some lines, furry giants like Chewbacca and furry midgets like the Ewoks might have been a little disturbing at first but I would have eventually come around on them as well. But we all know that the first time Darth Vader graced the screen with his cool voice and evil death grip, I would’ve instantly been sold. Sure there’s a ton of cheesiness in these films but there’s a reason why The Godfather is the greatest American trilogy alive and Star Wars is the world’s greatest trilogy; everyone can find something they love and identify with in these films.

Maybe this is why I can’t fully get on board with the last two installments of The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. Rogue One is probably the third best of any of the Star Wars movies because unlike TFA, it actually added something to the franchise while giving a nod to its predecessors, instead of just copying A New Hope’s storyline word for word. The Last Jedi did add quite a bit, most of which I liked, but the flaws in this film are so glaring that they overshadow any good that came out of it.

Now this review is mainly for those who have already seen the film so I won’t spend much time giving you a synopsis of the plot; but for those who haven’t, here’s basically what you’re getting yourself into. The First Order is on the attack after finding out the whereabouts of The Resistance; and for the most part they have them cornered and on the verge of destruction. That is until hot shot Poe Dameron somehow outsmarts them and destroys all of their big guns to help buy The Resistance some time; or so he thinks. The First Order has found a way to track their enemy through light speed, which basically means it’s impossible to escape them. So now The Resistance must find a way to stave them off long enough to regroup and reestablish a potent army.

Everything up until this point I am ok with. I am even ok, for the most part, with the 45 minute subplot that involved Finn and the socially awkward tech/engineer Rose sneaking off to a random planet with the hopes of finding the master code breaker. They need his help to break into and disable The First Order’s revolutionary tracking device to help keep The Resistance alive. Now the problem I do have is not only the fact that this subplot is 45 minutes long but that it shows that we as a society are still stuck in the 1960’s. Forget for a moment that their little adventure wound up being completely pointless, what I’m more concerned with is that it showed that Disney has no spine.

They didn’t back down when the internet lost its collective mind over the fact that there was a Black Stormtrooper but they did cave in when people started complaining that said Black trooper and the movie’s white female lead in Rey were falling for each other. Did they not realize that people in Alabama just got the internet like a year and a half ago? Of course they’re going to troll the message boards! What else are they going to do in between Alabama football games? So what does Disney do after spending the entire first film setting up Rey and Fin? They force another love interest on him because Black and Asian is cool but not Black and White. If only Michael Jackson was alive to see this! I mean, really??? It’s ok for a giant fat lizard like Jabba the Hut to have Leia as a sex slave but a Black guy, well that’s taking it a little too far! Although my buddy did have an awesome take on this when he said "Please! Fin is just happy to get the attention of any girl. Janitors in the First Order get no play!" See, I think he’s wrong, I think Captain Phasma was so sexually frustrated that she would’ve pulled Matt Lauer, locked the door, and made him do a little late night cleaning; if you know what I mean. Now before you start complaining, yes, I totally realize that they could be setting up a love triangle that will work itself out in the third but even if they do, was it really worth almost ruining the second film to force this storyline? The answer is no.

But outside of this, there were bigger issues. I know I said that Luke was kind of a little bitch in A New Hope but you would think that after saving the galaxy and having a universe of groupies at his disposal, he’d put that behind him and finally turn into the man. Even after failing at his attempt to set up a Jedi school, he still had an entire planet to himself that came with his own little minions and fresh milk from the teat of some weird looking animal. Well instead we get more whining about how religious leaders who are in political control allow their hubris to get the best of them and ultimately fail. Thanks for your religious and political views writer/director Rian Johnson but this is a Star Wars film, stick to light sabers and gender confused robots like C-3PO. Luke tried to be cool at the end but instead he went out like a little scrub after Yoda talked shit to him and he used too much of the force. I guess if you use too much of the force, you just disintegrate? At least Obi Wan went out like a straight G! Oh well, that was yet another 25-30 minutes of wasted screen time. Make Luke fresh! At least give the dude one cool light saber scene before he goes away. Instead, they for some reason decide to keep Leia alive by turning her into Superwoman. She’s the only human alive who can fly through space without a spacesuit after being blown up in an explosion. I cannot express how hokey this scene was.

I have a few more issues like Kylo continuing to be a little shouting brat who sucks at using the Force but I’ll stop there. There were some cool parts like the weird connection that existed between Kylo Ren and Rey. The fact that they were able to communicate via the force was a cool little wrinkle and a welcomed addition to the franchise. Also the scene where Rey and Kylo take out Snoke was by far the coolest thing I’ve seen since Spaceballs the Flamethrower! And from a visual standpoint, this film is breathtaking. Every scene on the salt planet was cool with the red residue and the salt jackals or whatever they were. And the weird birdlike animals that befriended Chewbacca were adorable; something that every kid will love. So all wasn’t lost in this film, especially when you consider the fact that there will be a generation of kids who will grow up wanting to be the next Rey or Fin; it’s just too bad they won’t think that a relationship between the two of them is a realistic possibility.

This film probably requires multiple viewings but it’s going to be quite some time before I invest 2 and a half hours again. If only they had that one badass moment that everyone could take away from it like Empire did. "Luke, I am your father!" was something that made up for quite a few issues in that film but sadly, that moment never materialized in Last Jedi and that is why I rate this film as WEAK!