Office Christmas Party

The last time I had an opportunity to attend a work Christmas party, it was one that I threw myself in my tiny little apartment amongst the trees in north Austin. The big corporation I worked for at the time was too cheap to throw one, so it was up to me to rally the troops and spread a little holiday cheer. Everything started out great with nice little t-shirts and gift exchanges but it quickly took a turn for the worse as we wound up playing drinking games, violating at least 20 different HR regulations with a dangerous game of Twister, and of course ending the night with an odd viewing of the Paris Hilton sex tape! Needless to say, that was the last one I was allowed to throw for a while.

Well after all this time, you’d think that I’d know how to act when it comes to attending corporate work events. My plan was to simply show up, have a drink or two, and politely bounce out so I could get rowdy around people who couldn’t fire me. Heck, I even went to see Office Christmas Party this past Thursday night just to remind myself of what not to do. Perhaps I should have taken better notes.

I’m not sure what happened but all I do know is that the second I started seeing coworkers hooking up, a trigger went off in my head and I immediately turned up to a ten! Next thing I know, I’m channeling my inner Kid Cudi and doing shots while looking for any young pretty thing to make out with at the bar. Seriously, Betty White could’ve walked up to me at that point and it would’ve been on! And I know she’s not young but my standards dropped pretty quickly.

I should’ve known it was time to go home after someone asked me where the girl I made out with went and I had no clue what they were talking about, but nope, I decided to keep the party going. Apparently this make-out session happened 15 minutes earlier and I had already forgotten about it! It was official, I had gone from Kid Cudi to Rick James. "Why you bringing up old shit?" Sadly the night ended with me being denied entry into one of the shadiest bars there is in Austin. I won’t call it by name but you should just know that I have seen people leave their disgusting restrooms after doing drugs and having sex on multiple occasions. Yet, they somehow took one look at me and said "Nope, you are way too messed up to be in here." Monday morning should be interesting.

Well what happened to me on Friday evening was the perfect description of what took place in Office Christmas Party. The only thing that’s missing is a branch manager (T.J. Miller) trying to throw an all-out rager in an attempt to save his employees’ jobs from his evil sister. She is threatening to close the branch unless they somehow bring in the ungettable client in Walter Davis (Courtney B. Vance). Davis is big on company culture and will only work with a company that doesn’t reflect the behaviors of evil corporations today. Which is ironic considering the company he was originally looking at going with. Again, I won’t say their name here for fear that they have hacked my computer and will leak videos of me masturbating to Scarlett Johansson on the internet. But just know that it’s an awful company to work for in real life. Well as you can imagine, the party gets way out of control and somehow Miller’s life is in danger. Will his work family put aside their differences and come together in time to save him?

I went in with fairly low expectations for this film as I would’ve been happy had they simply supplied me with a boob shot or two, but I could tell early on that this wasn’t going to be just another Seth Rogen crapfest. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the greatest comedy ever made but it certainly did make me laugh out loud on multiple occasions. Whether it was the Uber driver going off for 5 minutes about how lame the name Carol was or Miller saying he gains 15 pounds every year so he doesn’t have to go out and buy a winter coat, there were plenty of moments in this film that made paying $11 worthwhile. I hate reviews or previews that give away too much of the story or tells all of the jokes, so I won’t do that here, but just know that by the time they broke out the eggnog luge, I was nearly on the floor in laughter. I give this film a rating of FRESH!