Assassin's Creed

When we were children, we all had that one video game that we played nonstop that latched onto our hearts and wouldn’t let go. It didn’t matter if better action games were developed or if they came out with 20 different variations of something similar, we’d either stay true to the original or we’d buy the 800th edition of our one true love (see Madden Football) to show our loyalty. Some of us even took it to the next level and acted out scenarios from said game in real life with our friends. You could always find us leaping over couches while wearing camouflage bandanas and wielding plastic automatic weapons, while impersonating our favorite character from Contra. Or you could find us in the middle of the street making unnecessary spin moves to emulate our favorite football players from Techmo Bowl. Heck, I’ve even known a girl or two who went out and acted out Star Wars or Zelda in their backyards; so this clearly isn’t limited to nerdy boys.

Well, I’m more than certain that if we had the money to do so, some of us would continue to act out these video game fantasies and write it off as being eccentric, simply because they’re still a part of us today. This is the only logical reason why Michael Fassbender, one of Hollywood’s most talented actors, would not only star in but produce a movie about the video game Assassin’s Creed. At first, I thought it was because he really liked the band Creed (see similar poses from the Higher video and the movie’s main promotional poster) but as I thought about it more, I realized that I’d totally make an animated movie about the video game Frogger if given the opportunity. It would have a similar theme to the movie Groundhog Day and I’d make Seth Rogen be the frog just so he could get run over by a truck every other scene. Ok, so clearly I’m not fond of the Rogen and this cartoon could possibly cause permanent psychological damage to children everywhere, but at least I’d give them hope that they too could one day grow up and achieve their lifelong dreams. (As a side note, my true dream was to make a Transformers or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie but Michael Bay has already ruined that for me).

So I figure why not go out and support the Fassbender’s nerdy production. I’ve never played Assasin’s Creed but let’s be real, video games, especially those that involve assassins, aren’t that deep to begin with. Let me guess; it’s either some dude who wears a cloak and jumps around in the shadows looking for trouble or it’s a quirky loner that looks like John Cusack who goes back home for a high school reunion, just so he can hook up with a homely looking girl that has big boobs. Well as it turned out, I was right; everyone in this film has their own designer cloak.

The Creed, as they like to call themselves, are solely responsible for protecting this one random apple from the Tree of Life that has managed to stay fresh for all of these centuries. And we all know that the second Adam and Eve took a bite out of it, it was essentially the genesis for all of mankind’s sins. Well there are some who exist in this video game world that believe that whoever has possession of this apple has control over all of humanity’s free will. And they want to use it to control man’s thoughts to supposedly end all of the violence in this world. But having mind control over Debo can be a dangerous thing if placed in the wrong hands.

Fassbender is apparently a long time descendant of the last Creed member to have actually had possession of the apple. And this brilliant scientist (Marion Cottilard) has developed a machine that allows you to tap into bloodline and memories of that person’s lineage. But along the way, there seems to be a weird psychological and physical connection that takes place between the subject’s predecessors and themselves. After Fassbender is forced into being a part of this experiment, he picks up the ways of his fellow Creed members rather quickly and eventually sets off on a mission to protect humanity.

Now there are a ton of major plot holes in the story as you would expect, but for the most part this film actually works. I’m not saying that it’s great or even good for that matter, but I will say that I was entertained. The action scenes help you overlook the fact that the story doesn’t make any sense. The second you see Fassbender base jumping from rooftop to rooftop, you immediately forget the fact that there are a ton of assassins who are voluntarily allowing themselves to be held captive for no apparent reason. Or the fact that Cottilard is apparently a bad guy that doesn’t realize she’s a bad guy, even though she clearly is. And I wont even get into the fact that I didn’t realize it was actually Cottilard in this film until the credits started rolling; I thought it just some low budget version of her. Go figure.

Oh well, if you’re bored and looking for some mindless entertainment, go check this film out. I give the band Creed a rating of WACK but give this film Creed a rating of kind of WEAK.