Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

I am well aware of the fact that the older you get the more pathetic you look to women if you continue to show signs of having the now dreaded Peter Pan Syndrome. At a certain point they want a man who can provide them with some stability and doesn’t need more than one Viagra pill to get himself hard in the morning. And I totally get this, as rubbing one out before heading off to work would be a total pain in the ass if I had to reach over and find my pill box first. It’s hard enough for me to find my glasses and toothbrush before 8am, let alone having to hunt and peck for some little blue pill before getting my mind right for the day. But hey, I can’t help if I’m a 75 year old scrub who still rides a Huffy with training wheels and wears a backpack with my lunch in it everywhere I go! Some things in life are just too hard to let go of.

And I know that I’m not alone in my thinking because look at how many scrubs ran out to see the new sort of Harry Potter this weekend. You can’t tell me that cramming into a crowded movie theater on a Friday night to see a bunch on introverted wizards perform magic is the definition of adulting. I even know some teenagers that looked at me with the side eye and said "Fuck that shit!" when I asked them if they were going to see Fantastic Beasts this weekend. So please, the next time you see me attempting to breast feed at a bar, first think about calling the cops, and second, cut me some slack as I am clearly not the only one who has an issue with getting older.

Point and case, I had to shuffle my way through a host of scrubs just to sit next to my idiot friend for a late night showing of Beasts this past Thursday night. And even though I like to think of myself as an outsider in this oddly proud nerd group, I went into this experience with cautious excitement because J.K Rowling was finally giving us a wizard film that didn’t involve prepubescent teens riding around on brooms. This was supposed to have adults who have actually seen breasts before engaging in magical battles. Well thankfully Ms. Rowling delivered.

Beasts is the story of the Rain Man esque Newt (Eddie Redmayne) and his decision to bring a suitcase full of fantastic looking beasts to New York City with him. The town is on high alert as it is as there seems to be some rogue spirit on the loose that’s wreaking havoc in the streets of Manhattan. And the wizard police, led by head investigator Graves (the woefully underused Colin Farrell), seems to think that it’s one of these soon to be extinct beasts that’s causing all of trouble; so they are desperately doing everything in their power to track it down before they are exposed to the humans and an all-out war breaks out. Well once word gets out that Newt has brought his briefcase full of game (that’s both an E-40 and a hunting reference in case you missed it) to the city, he becomes public enemy number one. And the only question that remains is, will Newt get his mischievous beasts to safety in time or will they cause so much of a commotion that they both find themselves sentenced to an early death?

The story itself is just an ok one as it feels all too familiar when compared to its predecessors. But what makes this film stand out are the beasts that are so prominently advertised in the movie’s title. The CGI is top notch as it brings these amazing creatures to life and you are introduced to a whole new world in this hidden universe. I for one didn’t see it in IMAX but what I saw in 2D had me awe struck at times, so do yourself a favor and pay the extra money to get the full experience in. And it certainly helped that all of the beasts were funny, in particular the two that had a penchant for expensive jewelry and shiny coins. And no, it’s not like the racist Transformers where they speak Ebonics and play rap music everywhere they go; it’s actually good natured fun.

And it’s because this film is so fun that I believe it is easily the best of the Harry Potter series. I give this movie a rating of pretty FRESH and I suggest that you pop in.