Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

It admittedly took me forever to write a review for this film, simply for the fact that I didn’t really know how I could come up with a convincing argument of why you should love Tom Cruise the way that I do. I can’t quite figure out why I see all of his movies as he is clearly a freak who sucks the blood of the young. I mean seriously, the guy hasn’t aged since he had sex with Rebecca De Mornay on that train in Risky Business. And have you seen her lately?!? She looks like Angela Lansbury from Murder She Wrote! Lansbury, believe it or not, is still alive today at age 91 and yet she still somehow manages to look younger than De Mornay does. I don’t know what that poor girl was thinking but please; I am not fooled by all of that plastic surgery and makeup. If you took a pin to one of those cheeks of hers, her face would deflate faster than Tom Brady’s balls do just before he enters Giselle for the night. Hey, what can I say? That’s just the way he likes them.

Ok, yes that was a bit crass and yes if you’re keeping score at home, I’d still totally hit De Mornay if given the chance. But none of this explains my love the little white giant of Hollywood that is Tom Cruise. Do I loyally follow him because he’s such a short freak who believes in a sea god and taints every beautiful woman he has sex with for PR purposes? Or am I simply enamored with someone who has more issues than I do? Who knows! All I do know is that I was there opening night for the sequel to Jack Reacher that no one was asking for.

Now the first Reacher was actually a decent film; complete with good actors, an interesting plot, and enough Rosamund Pike to keep my eyes glued to the screen. But this new one just felt like one of Tom Brady’s…I’m kidding. It just wasn’t good on any level. When my idiot friend’s first reaction was to say "That totally reminded me of Kevin Costner’s 3 Days to Kill", that’s immediate grounds for a full refund.

The story starts off with Cruise unconvincingly showing interest in the military officer Colonel Turner, played by the beautiful Cobie Smulders. And after they exchange a few pleasantries over the phone, they eventually agree to meet in person for a date. But when Cruise shows up to her office, he finds out that she has been arrested for treason. Now he, being the all knowing and all seeing (more on this later) Jack Reacher, immediately knows that everyone involved is lying to him, so he sets out on a mission to free Turner and clear her name before the bad guys get to her in prison and kill her.

The rest of the story really isn’t all that interesting as there’s a metrosexual hitman who chases Cruise around for 120 minutes, a few lame double crosses that seem unnecessary, and a few scenes where Cruise has the ability to see into both the future and the past. Yes, you read that correctly. For whatever reason, Cruise can look at a room and instantly tell what happened in it a few hours earlier. And he also has the ability to see down twisting hallways and clairvoyantly know who’s waiting for him and what moves they’ll try and make to stop him. And if that wasn’t enough, the writers for some strange reason, chose to put a paternity case on the Cruise. So for 80% of the film, he’s looking after this kid who thinks he’s his father. Doesn’t she know that he’s secretly gay?

Now if any of this was done well, it still could’ve been a fairly entertaining film. But when you hire a has-been director like Edward Zwick, all you’re stuck with is a Starz Original quality film. Zwick hasn’t made a good film in almost 20 years, yet he still somehow gets regular work. It’s similar to this acquaintance of mine who hasn’t been in shape since college yet he’s still somehow able to pull chicks almost every weekend. What have I done wrong in my life?!?!

Oh well, as I sit here and contemplate my gym membership, I suggest that you avoid this boring film at all costs as I give it a rating of WEAK.