Jupiter Ascending

I think it was right around the time Larry Wachowski decided to become Lana Wachowski that the careers and creativity of the Wachowski brothers started to take a tumble. The day he began wearing makeup and started looking like Buffalo Bill's older transsexual brother from Silence of the Lambs, their movies all of a sudden had the worst makeup imaginable for their main characters. For whatever reason they thought that Tom Hanks dressed up as a Russian Walter White in Cloud Atlas would be this huge badass moment for them in their movie instead of seeing what everyone else saw, which was the most unintentionally funny character we've seen on screen in a decade. And I even think they made him Oriental at one point in the movie using only wigs and clothing they picked up at a local Goodwill Halloween store.  Did someone randomly put Lana in charge of makeup or did they spend all of the money they made from the Matrix on his sex change?

Either way, Atlas wouldn't have been that bad of a movie if the viewer didn't spend half of it laughing at how ridiculous the people looked on screen. Well the same thing can be said about Jupiter...sort of.

This story is about a Russian immigrant named Jupiter(Mila Kunis) who was born on the seas of the Atlantic because her mother was escaping the country after a horrible incident occurred. They take on a new life in America where they spend their days cleaning the homes of filthy rich people for only pennies on the dollar. But one day, a half man, half wolf bounty hunter sets out to get to Jupiter before his rival bounty hunters do. The race is on to get to her because she is the reincarnation of the mother of the Abrasax clan and she holds the key to controlling Earth. Whoever has control of Earth can harvest it to turn a huge profit and also prolong their life.

There is a cheesy score that's played over incoherent chase sequences, goofy looking characters that include lizard people and rat assistants, and rocket fueled air skating that would have been cool if this was the year 1984. A third of the way through the movie the actors realize that they are in one of the worst movies ever made and they simply stop caring. I think they tried to have fun with it and even attempted to make it an action comedy similar to what we saw in The Fifth Element but the problem was there was no Bruce Willis there to say and do fresh things to make that happen.

Instead you were left with terrible lines and even worse acting. I hope this performance keeps Eddie Redmayne from winning the Oscar for Theory of Everything similar to the way Norbit hurt Eddie Murphy the year he had a chance to win for Dreamgirls.

Maybe my idiot friend was right, if I wasn't a jaded adult I might have liked this movie because when I told this 17 year old that I saw Jupiter last night his reply was "No way!!! I can't wait to see it!" So maybe all I need to do is become an emotionally disturbed teenager to enjoy Wachowski movies these days. Or maybe I just need to be more like my idiot friend who said "Yes the movie sucked balls but it was enjoyable ball sucking!"

So there it is, if you enjoy ball sucking, hit this movie up. But if you are a normal adult, avoid it at all costs as this movie is WACK!