50 Shades of Grey

The first time I ever heard anything about this ridiculous book was a few years ago when I was on a date with this beautiful girl at a rather expensive restaurant. She kept rambling on and on about all of  the absurd things that went on in the story and I acted as if I actually cared because she was hot, had a huge rack, and I desperately wanted to get laid that night; I didn't have the heart to tell her that it sounded like a lame version of the Mickey Rourke/Kim Basinger movie that came out in the 80's. Heck, they even gave James Spader and old face killer Maggie Gyllenhaal their own version in the early 2000's with Secretary.

But I seriously doubt it would have mattered if I mentioned these movies to her because all she cared about was this fantasy of hooking up with an eccentric rich man who apparently did nothing but sit around in his office all day and think of freaky things to do to women; similar to Lewis in Revenge of the Nerds. Well looking back it was actually a good thing that we were at an expensive restaurant and that I showed a little more patience than I normally do because later on that night I found myself reenacting some of the scenes from the book with her. Bam!

I guess the point is, if you have to suffer through this movie this weekend fellas, there could be some pretty money rewards in it for you.

For those of you who don't know, 50 Shades is about this self made reticent billionaire named Christian Grey (Dornan) who has a thing for sexually deviant behavior. You never see him in public with women because his "tastes are quite singular" (eye roll). But one day his world is turned upside down when the young, shy, beautiful and virgin Anastasia Steele walks in his office to interview him for her school's newspaper. I should mention that her school is a college because I don't want you to think that this is a sequel to Hard Candy or anything, although it would've have been a far more interesting film had it actually been.

Anyway, the second Anna puts his stiff pen with his name on it up to her lips (that's not a euphemism btw) , he is immediately consumed with lust and apparently drops everything in his life to pursue her. Who knew that billionaires had that much time on their hands?

So the rest of the film is the two of them playing this cat and mouse game where he tries to get her to sign some contract to do all the freaky things he wants her to do and she tries to convince him that they can actually have a normal relationship.

He introduces her to his weird red room of pleasure and pain and she uses her amazing body to actually hold my attention for 125 minutes. That's a long time to see an Irishmen try his best Hayden Christensen (Star Wars) impersonation; I'm sure that he's perfectly fine in foreign films but boy he's as wooden as it gets in American films. And yes that reference to wood was on purpose.

I knew things were a bit off when I saw that Danny Elfman of all people did the score for this soft core porn; a porn made specifically for teens, sorority girls, and delusional moms who pop way too many Xanax in the morning. The sex scenes aren't even that erotic or kinky; you see more hard core stuff on HBO's Girls or Game of Thrones. If women really want to see men get mid-evil on that ass then that's the show they should watch! Ok, poor joke but you get my point.

For whatever reason they tried to turn one of the final scenes into 12 Years a Slave when it reality all it was, was a typical Saturday night in Colin Farrell's house. 50 Shades is nothing but Pretty Woman on steroids.

I rate this movie as really WEAK and would suggest that you avoid it at all costs but I know that anyone who is in a relationship of any kind will be forced to see it. That is unless you're dating my friend who gave me this reply when asked if she planned to see it "Well since I don't drive to Starbucks in my Porsche Cayenne wearing Lulu Lemon on my way to drop off my two kids at school before going to Pilates...I'm going to say no!"

Clearly she's my wife in another life.