Dracula Untold

I have said this a million times on this site, so you are already aware of the fact that I love all things vampires. This means that I will see almost anything that doesn't involve the evil blood suckers sparkling like diamonds in the daylight. And I'm especially drawn to the films that have horrible slow covers of actual fresh songs in the previews. Speaking of, why is this such a trend now? I have heard terrible versions of Nirvana's Something in the Way and Tears for Fears' Everybody Wants to Rule the World in multiple trailers and I'm ashamed to admit that they're surprisingly effective on me! Seeing Dracula with his hair flowing in the wind with an acoustic version of Black Hole Sun blaring in the background had me pumping my fist with excitement! Sadly though, the only time I was pumping my fist during this movie was when I was shouting angrily at the screen like Beetle Bailey! "Why you!!!!"

Dracula is a short story about Vlad the Impaler, a fierce war hero who is played by The Fast and the Furious' Luke Evans. Vlad grew up in a time when the Turks were in control of most of the known world and they were notorious for ruling with an iron fist. They would routinely take the young boys of their conquered lands and brutally train them to become ruthless killers in their massive army. And during the process of their training some kids would die while others would become these cold hearted monsters. Vlad was unfortunately one of these children and he turned out to the most skilled of them all. As he grew into a man he was able to escape this lifestyle and he eventually grew into a family man who ruled his kingdom in peace.

That is until the Turks somehow lost a thousand of their men to something mysterious in the mountains. So in order to replenish what had they lost, the king of the Turks decides to come for Vlad's kingdom and his young. Knowing that his army is no match for the Turks', Vlad reaches out to the dark force in the mountains for help. And as it turns out that dark force just happened to be the one and only Dracula. Dracula decides to help Vlad by giving him a 3 day trial; during these 3 days Vlad will have all of the powers and strength of Dracula but he will also have his thirst for human blood. If he gives in to that thirst, he will then take over the curse of being Dracula for eternity. So it's up to Vlad to defeat his enemy and not give in to the thirst so that he can remain human and enjoy life with his family.

I wont lie, that's actually a pretty badass premise. The problem however lies not in the story but in the director's awful use of CGI. I was expecting to see Dracula running around biting people's heads off and ripping limbs to and fro. But no, instead you just see him turn into these bat looking creatures that just simply fly through people. And apparently the force of the bats hitting the enemy is enough to kill them. Pretty weak if I must say so myself. When one man takes on 1000 soldiers, there should be blood and Ice Cube playing in the background. Bow Down fools!!! It sucks they failed miserably on this because the entire movie depends on the freshness of these battle scenes and sadly none of them are even close to being fresh. So his extremely hot wife at least gets naked right? No! It's a stupid PG-13 vampire movie.

There were two unintentionally cool moments in the movie; one belonging to Vlad's random Igor/Gollum and the other going to the random hot wenches that he decides to turn into vampires because every Dracula needs hot wenches. That latter needs no further explanation but his Igor just pops up out of nowhere and immediately submits to him. He sounds just like Igor does and for whatever reason he worships him and offers him blood. He does however have a rather fresh and key moment later on in the movie.

In the end this movie is totally forgettable but I wouldn't be surprised if it came on USA a year from now and I watched it hung over simply to laugh at it. This movie is really WEAK!!!