Speaking of, why didn't the black vampires change colors or get more light skinned after they turned? It makes it almost impossible to determine whether ethnic people are the undead or not! Oh well, same principle applies for them; if you're too light, you're getting jacked up too! Watch out Halle Berry! Anyway, the point is, you can see why I was so pumped to see Expendables 3; it's the return of Snipes! For some reason he refuses to cut off his mini fro and he keeps on wearing those stupid shell necklaces but come on, he's still Nino freaking Brown! He can't help be cool every time he steps out of bed in the morning.
So now that you're properly prepped, sit your $5 ass down and read my review before I make change!
This Expendables starts off with a daring attempt to break Snipes out of captivity while he's being held prisoner on a train. Within the first two minutes of the movie people are being blasted with machine guns from a helicopter and what I believed to be a .50 caliber gun is broken out in response to it. This is easily the best action scene of the movie because in one scene it totally captures the weirdness and aloofness of Snipes. Rather than immediately leave the train and thank everyone from rescuing him, he, without a word just says screw it and decides to kill everyone that was holding him captive on the train with his awesome Snipes fighting skills! He then caps everything off by ramming the train into the prison just before jumping from the speeding train onto the helicopter! Now that's how you make your return to big time Hollywood! I was cheering like a school girl! This is exactly what I paid for!
Stallone decides to get the crew back together to track down an arms dealer who turns out to be his former partner Stonebanks (Mel Gibson).They started the Expendables together but Stonebanks got greedy and went into business for himself. He was believed to be already dead at the hands of Stallone but we all know that the Gibson is far too crafty for that. Once he notices that Stallone and his crew is following him, he critically injures Caesar (Terry Crews) and escapes with ease. This causes Stallone to question whether time has passed him and his crew by and he decides, for their safety, to retire his old crew and to find a new younger crop to go after Stonebanks with.
The newbies sucked for the most part; they were just a bunch of young kids trying to act tough with no stripes on the wall. I'm sorry but you have to kill Apollo Creed in the ring (Lundgren), take out a white terrorist who has a mane while saying something fresh like "Gotta Go, Gotta Go" (Snipes), or call a real life cop 'Sugar tits'(Gibson) for me to respect you.
And speaking of Mel, he wore the bad role just a little too comfortably for me. It took a while but he finally broke out of his serene and almost docile state once he was captured and gave his evil monologue! A bit of Martin Riggs came back to life in that scene!
Anyway, I can see why Stallone decided to use younger action stars in parts of this movie; they had to use the shaky action cam quite a bit to cover up the fact that the old men can't really fight or do stunts anymore. But he should realize that we don't care, we just want to see our old favorites talking trash and we got just that with Harrison Ford replacing Bruce Willis and Arnold making yet another appearance.
I will give the younger kids this, there was one cool scene where they help take out an entire army and one of them did their best Vin Diesel XXX impression using a motorcycle. They should've thrown in Asia Argento for no apparent reason to boot.
I loved this stupid movie but I realize that it's not for everyone. It's really for the hard core action junkies out there, but since everyone should be a hard core action junkie, I'm giving it a rating of FRESH!
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