Hercules

I constantly wear this rather flashy Muse t-shirt where the letters on it are so big on it that you could probably see it from an airplane; similar to way you can see people's swimming pools as you're starting to land. I wear this in part to be annoying and also because I think it's fresh! Sadly though, it does lead to some pretty strange conversations. I remember being at a pub where I was watching Germany's latest attempt to revive the Third Reich through soccer (no that joke will never get old) and this old German lady came up to talk to me about my shirt. I guess she was trying to prove that she was still in the know or maybe she was just trying to make sure that I wasn't there to rob the place; I mean a Black guy watching soccer in America is a cause for suspicion. Anyway, she asked me what my favorite song of theirs was and I told her it was Plug in Baby. She gave me this puzzled look and thought that I was being snarky by mentioning what she assumed was a B side of theirs because all she really knew of their music was their last two albums; both of which happen to be trash! Ok, trash may be a bit harsh but they're certainly not their best work.

The point of this is, I see Brett Ratner as the giant Muse t-shirt of Hollywood. He makes these intentionally over the top and mind numbing movies because he knows that it will attract an unbelievable amount of simpletons to the theater; which in turn allows him to make more movies and throw more coke parties at his house! And sadly, I also think that this is annoying yet fresh! Similar to Muse's last two albums, his movies aren't complete trash but he can do so much better if he actually tried. But no, he'd rather play it safe and appeal to the masses; and this is the reason why I almost passed on seeing his version of Hercules. But I've always been a fan of Greek Mythology, so I decided to sit through the Ratman's best attempt to bring this legend to the big screen. I mean, I did like Money Talks and the first two Rush Hour movies, so I was hoping he'd surprise me again.

Well after seeing Hercules, I have decided that it is virtually impossible for the Ratman to make a good movie. You could tell that he actually tried with this one and it was full of nothing but cliché's and stolen scenes, even down to the dialogue, from other movies. More on this later. But first let me tell you about the plot of this epic failure.

We all know about the 12 challenges Hercules had to overcome to escape the wrath of Zeus' angry wife Hera. All of his life, she tried to destroy him because he was a constant reminder of Zeus' infidelity with a mortal. But this half man, half god's strength enabled him to survive every attack that was thrown his way, and in the process he was able to create this legend among the humans because his conquests included the defeat of the Nemean lion, the Erymanthian Boar, and the nine headed Hydra; just to name a few. Now presumably he had done all of this on his own but in actuality he had the help of his five friends; which include a prophet, a storyteller, a beautiful archer, a mute and animalistic warrior, and a noble and skilled fighter with a British accent. One day they are approached by a princess who pleads for their help in saving her and her father's kingdom of Thrace from a new evil warlord who apparently is a Centaur (half man, half horse) and has the ability to cast spells on his opponents. He threatens to take over and destroy their entire land. Hercules, being a mercenary for hire at this point, since he was disgraced in his homeland for reasons you'll learn later, decides to take on one more challenge before he retires with his riches and team on the coast.

On the surface that doesn't sound half bad, but that's where the creativity comes to an abrupt end. After getting the general outline of the story down, Ratner and his writers decide that they are going to directly rip scenes and ideas from every action movie they have seen over the past two decades. They stole the theme from The Chronicles of Riddick (this is basically Riddick in ancient Greece) and they also took every action scene from the movies Braveheart and Troy. We've seen ancient armies form "The Wall" about a thousand times, yet they approach it like it's a new concept and spend 30 minutes talking about it. They then decide that they need at least two training montages, both of which would've been fresh had they played Ice Cube's 'Rhymes Like Weight' or Kanye's Stronger over them, but they didn't, so they weren't.

I mean, they even stole the exchange between Mel Gibson and his crazy prophet where Melly asks if they'll make it out of a battle and his prophet replies "The almighty tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're fucked. ...". Just terrible. Also, Ratner breaks out every cliché known to man. There's the mute that you just know will speak at the end, the wimpy kid that will step up and do something heroic at the end, and of course the friend who deserts them but returns just in the nick of time to save the day. Ratner has done too much coke and has basically become the fat cop in Hot Fuzz. Maybe they should have just made this Riddick in Greece, at least that would have been entertaining.

I will give them this, watching the Rock beat people with a club and throwing a horse in the air was fresh but that's about it. I rate this trash as WEAK and suggest that you avoid it!